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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my DN being rude?

116 replies

Kitfish · 12/09/2021 19:08

I posted back in April about my niece's wedding.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4216145-Is-my-DN-being-rude

As she was having a small wedding I was not invited. I wanted to show my love and support so I sent a cheque for £200, which was cashed. I my original post, I asked whether MN thought my niece was being rude by not acknowledging my gift within a week. I was told I was being unreasonable as she would thank me AFTER the wedding. Anyway, it's now September (5 months later). Since the wedding, we've spoken by phone when she said thanks but haven't received a thank you note or card.

So, is my DN being rude or do people just not write thank you notes any more?

OP posts:

KrisAkabusi · 13/09/2021 09:33

@WhatIsThisPlease

I think she's rude. A phone call is slightly better than a text I suppose. But both just seem to be lacking in effort. Writing a thank you card or letter says you've taken time out of your day to properly acknowledge and thank someone for their kindness.

So it's not enough that you be thanked, the receiver must be inconvenienced for it to count! Lunacy.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/09/2021 09:35

Soubriquet

I don’t know anyone who sends handwritten thank you cards anymore

It’s either through messenger, on the phone or thanked in person“

Our daughter does, she’s 26. Sends them on behalf of her 1 year old too.

Kite22 · 13/09/2021 15:38

People don't do cards and thank you notes these days. It's a generational thing

So, which generation are you talking about? As I have received thank you cards from all the brides and grooms I have sent wedding gifts to in the last few years and all the B&Gs have been in their 20s.

Blossomtoes · 13/09/2021 15:48

@catsandhens

this is just another task, as mentioned up thread, that falls to women, another piece of pointless life admin that they are expected to pick up,. Why is it solely the nieces job to send out thank you cards, why is she the only one mentioned in the op? Why do we still have to impose higher standard and more mental load on women?

It doesn’t matter who does it. The last wedding I went to the groom did the thank you cards for his guests, the bride did hers. Based on that, OP would expect her niece to do it, not the unrelated bride.

Blossomtoes · 13/09/2021 15:49

Unrelated groom, damn it!

Samcro · 13/09/2021 15:55

she is rude.
my dn and dn both sent cards, so its not a generational thing.
its a being rude thing,

cervixuser · 13/09/2021 15:56

In the last 5 years I've been to 8 weddings and had 8 notes or cards thanking me for the gift. Age ranges from 22 years old to 38 years old

Load3 · 13/09/2021 17:51

Urgh. Why do people give gifts and expect this bullshit in return? She actually thanked you with her actual voice over the 'phone - why is that not enough?
I don't "do" cards, of any description - bad for the environment, bad for the wallet and just more shit in the house that needs recycling.

hermioneweasley44 · 13/09/2021 17:54

I got married this year and sent out thank you cards to everyone who sent a gift including those who didn't attend the wedding. It's really not that outdated. People still send paper invites and save the dates so why not cards?

Not acknowledging such a substantial amount in a nicer way than a simple 'thanks' on the phone is pretty poor form imo.

DappledThings · 13/09/2021 17:58

It wouldn't cross my mind not to send proper thank you cards for birthdays, Christmas and my wedding. DC1 will be old enough this Christmas to write a tiny bit so will be doing so. Always get thank you cards for anything I send to my niece and nephew, my oldest friend's son, one or two of DC's classmates and from the vast majority of weddings I've ever been to.

If it is generational then then most of the people I know in their 30s and 40s (I'm 42) are still doing this.

Nogardenersworld · 13/09/2021 22:21

Getting married soon, not doing STDs not sending paper invites, hadn’t even crossed my mind until this thread that the people I thank in person and then again over a phone call or text, would be offended to not receive a piece of paper off me thanking them again.

Have been to several weddings in the last few years 25-35 year olds, all have called / txt to say thank you, no cards. What do I want a card for?! Why would I want them to spend time and money on a card for me to immediately throw it in the recycling bin?

The only people I ever send/ sent thank you notes to were people I didn’t like or didn’t really have much of a relationship with, to be polite without actually having to engage in a conversation with them, the way I would with the people I called or txt instead.

Phineyj · 14/09/2021 07:37

Every thread on this demonstrates a significant number of people who do prefer or expect a formal thank you. So you can be as modern as you like, but better hope it doesn't include a wealthy relative who may come to think more kindly of others...

I also think formal thank yous are an opportunity to send a printed pic and a lot of people do like to get those.

BoredZelda · 14/09/2021 08:59

If a wealthy relative is going to turn their back on someone because they didn’t send a piece of paper saying thanks but instead took the time to thank them in person, then I suspect the wealth relative won’t have anyone they “think kindly” off as no doubt some other archaic faux pas will be used as an excuse. I’d happily go NC with such a petty person no matter how much money they have.

I’d actually hope this is a generational thing and it will soon disappear when the dinosaurs die out. Just because it is “traditional” doesn’t mean we should keep doing it. Times move on and it is stupid to think that if the kind of tech we have now, existed back in the day when this ridiculous tradition was started they wouldn’t have said “everyone must send thank you texts”

The reason for sending the card is to let them know you got the gift and to thank them for it. A text or phone call is fine for doing that and ticks the “good manners” box.

BoredZelda · 14/09/2021 09:00

I also think formal thank yous are an opportunity to send a printed pic

This is a relatively modern phenomenon. So you’re comfortable with things moving on to be more modern after all.

CorianderAndCream · 14/09/2021 09:03

Cards and thank you notes are not environmentally friendly when she has expressed thanks over the phone. I think it's a generational difference. I'm 26 and don't know anyone my age who's sent a thank you card past childhood. I usually send a text

TeeBee · 14/09/2021 09:08

She has thanked you! You just prefer a less environmentally friendly method of thanks. Many people these days have moved on from cards for that reason.

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