Page 3 | Is my DN being rude?

Kitfish · 2021-09-12T18:08:43+00:00

I posted back in April about my niece's wedding. [[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4216145-Is-my-DN-being-rude]] As she was having a small wedding I was not invited. I wanted to show my love and support so I sent a cheque for £200, which was cashed. I my original post, I asked whether MN thought my niece was being rude by not acknowledging my gift within a week. I was told I was being unreasonable as she would thank me AFTER the wedding. Anyway, it's now September (5 months later). Since the wedding, we've spoken by phone when she said thanks but haven't received a thank you note or card. So, is my DN being rude or do people just not write thank you notes any more?

MaskingForIt · 12/09/2021 20:23

I’m in the “rude” camp, but family all send thank you notes. I have received them from my young nieces and nephews, and the younger cousins. I send thank you notes to aunts, uncles and grandparents. I’ve even sent thank you notes to my parents after going to stay there and being watered and fed over Christmas.

It is not compulsory, but politeness and manners is what greases the wheels of society.

OP, at least you know not to send anything when they start popping out children! Or that if you do, it will be a verbal thanks at best.

Kite22 · 12/09/2021 20:24

She is rude.
Odd that people are saying "people" don't send thank you notes anymore.
I have had thank you notes from the last two weddings I attended / gave a gift to the couple, and I recently got an individual note for a gift a small group of us got for a couple who had a small (COVID) wedding and also the last two baby gifts I gave.

It is easier and cheaper now than ever, to get a picture of the wedding or the baby or whatever printed with a thank you and a little space to personalise it. Now, you know your family / your guests and you might think some don't want a thank you note, which is fine but I would suggest that an Aunt who wasn't invited, who still kindly posted a cheque to the couple, is definitely a person that should have been written to. In my opinion, before the cheque was cashed.

MiddleParking · 12/09/2021 20:32

I did send thank you cards after my wedding but I think it’s really quite unpleasant to complain (several times) about someone not sending one when they’ve thanked you verbally. Especially when she had a small wedding to which you weren’t invited - maybe if she’d had the headspace for the admin that comes with a big traditional wedding she’d have chosen to have one. It’s very kind to give someone a generous gift, but you undo the kindness somewhat by complaining that their gratitude isn’t in the medium you’d prefer.

ittakes2 · 12/09/2021 20:41

She thanked you which would have been enough for me I think a written card and post is a waste of resources. Your gift was generous and I think you want her to acknowledge that with a bit more bells and whistles. I think if you have this expectation you should not be so generous next time as you might be disappointed again.

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 20:45

Some of these replies are mad and I can’t get my head round how much hard work you are op. She thanked you in person and you think you should get a thank you card to? Why not ask her to kiss your feet and then hire a plane to fly a banner round the neighbour hood too.

Knittingupastorm · 12/09/2021 20:46

I find preferring a written card to a verbal thank you very strange. Why is a card better? She won’t write anything in it she’s not said to you already, it’s just a waste of paper.
Not thanking you at all would be unreasonable.

GoWalkabout · 12/09/2021 20:47

I stand by 'its as rude to expect or demand a thank you as it is not to send one'!

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 20:48

@Knittingupastorm

I find preferring a written card to a verbal thank you very strange. Why is a card better? She won’t write anything in it she’s not said to you already, it’s just a waste of paper. Not thanking you at all would be unreasonable.

Me too. It’s so odd. People are actually posting that someone taking the time to thank them in person is irrelevant they need a card. It’s mind boggling.

DeletedByAccident · 12/09/2021 20:50

@Kite22

She is rude. Odd that people are saying "people" don't send thank you notes anymore. I have had thank you notes from the last two weddings I attended / gave a gift to the couple, and I recently got an individual note for a gift a small group of us got for a couple who had a small (COVID) wedding and also the last two baby gifts I gave.

It is easier and cheaper now than ever, to get a picture of the wedding or the baby or whatever printed with a thank you and a little space to personalise it. Now, you know your family / your guests and you might think some don't want a thank you note, which is fine but I would suggest that an Aunt who wasn't invited, who still kindly posted a cheque to the couple, is definitely a person that should have been written to. In my opinion, before the cheque was cashed.

We didn’t get a thank you -or acknowledgment even!- for 3 wedding gifts (a gift, a cheque & gift voucher) Had a thank you text for another wedding gift (cheque) A thank you card and photo for one baby gift No acknowledgement for one baby gift.

So 2 thanks out of 6 & one of those was a text. I’m old school. I send thank you cards for everything & make DC send cards each Christmas & birthday but we seem to be in a minority.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 12/09/2021 20:53

Why waste paper when she’s verbally acknowledge your gift.

catsandhens · 12/09/2021 20:58

for people I dont see often I would write a thank you note. For family I would thank them verbally over the phone or in person. I would never expect a thank you note off a family member, thats much more impersonal than a verbal thank you, you seem to want to take offence?

Hattie765 · 12/09/2021 21:00

Very rude!

alexdgr8 · 12/09/2021 21:01

i think it is a class thing.
i was not brought up to send written thanks as a matter of course.
my parents were very mannerly.
but not middle class.
other classes don't do so much writing.
thanks are made in person, or via another person.

icedcoffees · 12/09/2021 21:05

I don't think I've ever once received a thank you card from anyone except my grandma or maybe friends when I was about six.

Certainly I've never received one in the last 10-15 years! I didn't even realise they were still a "thing" until I read about people getting upset about them on MN.

Aren't we meant to be saving the planet anyway, not wasting precious resources on pointless cards and envelopes?

Goodgollymiss · 12/09/2021 21:06

Do you want the card to say "thank you for your very generous cash gift" or would you prefer she state the exact amount of 200 pounds so when your showing of said thank you card people will know how special and thoughtful you are?

SmileyClare · 12/09/2021 21:07

Why did she leave it so long to thank you? I would find that rude, not acknowledging she had received it for a couple of weeks?

It's not "mind boggling" to prefer a card. To me it's the same as preferring to receive a birthday card rather than a verbal Happy Birthday. It's taken a bit more thought and effort.

I definitely would have appreciated a thank you straight away. I don't think I would cash a gift cheque before thanking the sender in some way.

To be fair to Op, she's had a moan on here but obviously hasn't fallen out with her niece or anything.

Goodgollymiss · 12/09/2021 21:11

Its been 5 months though.. i thought couples got anywhere up to a year to send out their thank yous?

whatthejiggeries · 12/09/2021 21:11

Honestly only people over sixty expect handwritten thank yous. She has thanked you on the call

Blossomtoes · 12/09/2021 21:13

@Goodgollymiss

Its been 5 months though.. i thought couples got anywhere up to a year to send out their thank yous?

Mine were all sent within three weeks. Who wants a chore like that hanging over their head for a year? The sooner it’s done, the sooner you can forget about it.

Keeva2017 · 12/09/2021 21:15

Agee with @Bluntness100

You sound incredibly hard work and determined to pick fault with your niece. I don’t write thank you notes or cards. It’s not a norm for me. You really need to get over yourself and stop looking for snubs.

MsMMarple · 12/09/2021 21:18

With my friends and family it always seems to be a one sided expectation. I'm terrible at writing thank you cards, it takes me ages and I have often received nagging comments from DM, MIL, aunts about not having sent a note yet. But none of them have ever sent me a thank you note for any gift I've given them. They came to my wedding, but I've been to their big birthday parties and wedding anniversaries and never received thanks for substantial gifts. Why is it so very one sided?

From my perspective as a rude younger person a huge number of people sent us wedding gifts despite not being invited (eg parents of DH's school friends) and despite the wedding invitation saying no gifts and us really not wanting any. It was an overwhelming task to get back to everyone when I also had to finish organising the wedding (many gifts arrived 2/3 weeks early), go on honeymoon, go back to work and catch up on the work I'd missed and just continue with regular life admin. I also had to adjust to being married and deal with family enquiries about photo albums. Funnily enough none of this extra work ever landed on DH. It's still happening now. We've been married ages, I'm keeping my name, his and my family still insist on sending me cheques addressed to my (unused) married name for eg birthdays and then phoning me twice a week to ask why I haven't put it in the bank yet. It's a real pain and I would much rather they didn't send a gift than sent one with a bucket of guilt.

Inthemuckheap · 12/09/2021 21:19

Yes she's rude. Funnily enough in your original post, the majority were saying she'd open it after the wedding and then write thank you cards.
In this post, people are saying that a verbal thank you is sufficient.

Manners makyth man.

BoredZelda · 12/09/2021 21:22

Cards are for when you don’t see the person in person. She thanked you, what would a card add, were you going to frame it and put it on the mantelpiece?

Cocomarine · 12/09/2021 21:29

I don’t think it’s rude as you’ve been thanked verbally.
Even if you do think thank you notes are preferable, why on Earth are you asking this FIVE MONTHS later?!!!

HalzTangz · 12/09/2021 21:32

If she said thank you on the phone why does she need to send a card as well.