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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DN being rude?

116 replies

Kitfish · 12/09/2021 19:08

I posted back in April about my niece's wedding.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4216145-Is-my-DN-being-rude

As she was having a small wedding I was not invited. I wanted to show my love and support so I sent a cheque for £200, which was cashed. I my original post, I asked whether MN thought my niece was being rude by not acknowledging my gift within a week. I was told I was being unreasonable as she would thank me AFTER the wedding. Anyway, it's now September (5 months later). Since the wedding, we've spoken by phone when she said thanks but haven't received a thank you note or card.

So, is my DN being rude or do people just not write thank you notes any more?

OP posts:
WhatIsThisPlease · 12/09/2021 21:39

I think she's rude. A phone call is slightly better than a text I suppose. But both just seem to be lacking in effort. Writing a thank you card or letter says you've taken time out of your day to properly acknowledge and thank someone for their kindness.

Kite22 · 12/09/2021 21:40

Honestly only people over sixty expect handwritten thank yous. She has thanked you on the call

See, that's clearly just made up.
I'm not 60, and, in the circumstances described, yes, I would expect a thank you note. Not for every gift at birthdays and Christmas, but yes for these circumstances.
As I said upthread, all the recent weddings I've been to (all people in their 20s) sent thank you notes (and not just to me).

MyPatronusIsACat · 12/09/2021 21:46

@QuornStarMartini

But she said thank you on the phone. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I never send thank you notes but do send a text or thank the person over the phone or in person. Your niece has done that. Thank you notes and cards aren’t really the done thing now.

Why are you still thinking about it 5 months later?

This. ^

@Kitfish

Why on EARTH are you still dwelling on this nearly half a year later? Confused I am not normally one to dismiss peoples worries - and minimise them, as I think all worries and stresses are valid (ALMOST all!)

But this is a bit pathetic. I love a nice card, especially for Christmas or my birthday, but if I gave someone a gift and they thanked me in person, or rang or texted, or facebook messaged me to thank me, that would be fine. Why would I need a thank-you card as well? Confused

I disagree that it sounds like you dislike her, but you do sound like you're high maintenance, and hard work.

I think you need to find something else to occupy your time. And seriously, if trivial shit like this bugs you so much, stop sending gifts to people!

Ginger1982 · 12/09/2021 21:58

I wrote everyone a handwritten thank you note for engagement and wedding presents I received in 2014. Personally, I think it's a nice thing to do. I bought something off a wedding list for a friend of mine and never received so much as a vague acknowledgement. So rude.

Phineyj · 12/09/2021 22:03

£200 is worth writing a thank you note for! And cheques should really be acknowledged when they're cashed, not months later.

Knittingupastorm · 12/09/2021 22:06

To me it's the same as preferring to receive a birthday card rather than a verbal Happy Birthday. It's taken a bit more thought and effort.

To be honest I don’t particularly care about that either. I send birthday cards but only because it’s expected, I’m happy not to receive them.

Palavah · 12/09/2021 22:08

@butterry

For a formal event like a wedding where save the dates and proper invitations are sent out then I would expect a hand written thank you. Sometimes the B&G will wait for professional photos to use as a thank you card which can take a few months. If not a handwritten note I would still expect them to be polite by acknowledging thanks for exactly what you gifted.
This. And it was a substantial gift, it's not as though you just took her for coffee.
Wineandroses3 · 12/09/2021 22:10

Yes she’s a cheeky cow not even sending you at least a thank you note/card. That is a lot of money to send someone when you weren’t even invited to the wedding. She is rude and basic.

catsandhens · 12/09/2021 22:17

this is just another task, as mentioned up thread, that falls to women, another piece of pointless life admin that they are expected to pick up,. Why is it solely the nieces job to send out thank you cards, why is she the only one mentioned in the op? Why do we still have to impose higher standard and more mental load on women?

Knittingupastorm · 12/09/2021 22:26

@catsandhens

this is just another task, as mentioned up thread, that falls to women, another piece of pointless life admin that they are expected to pick up,. Why is it solely the nieces job to send out thank you cards, why is she the only one mentioned in the op? Why do we still have to impose higher standard and more mental load on women?
Well, I think the OP is unreasonable to not be happy with a thank you over the phone. But presumably the only reason she’s mentioned her niece is because it’s her niece. She’s not related to the new husband. If it was her nephew and the OP had read “why hasn’t my nephew’s new wife sent a card?!” you’d have a point.

I’m not saying that in general this isn’t something that falls to women, just that it’s a bit unfair to accuse the OP of it when we’ve no idea how she’d react if it was a nephew.

KatherineJaneway · 12/09/2021 22:31

She has thanked you Confused Does a written note mean more to you?

MissTrip82 · 12/09/2021 22:31

I think I wouldn’t bother sending gifts to someone I’m so determined to prove is rude, when I’m going to dwell on it for months.

What a waste of time and energy on your part.

Thatsplentyjack · 12/09/2021 22:32

God I can't wait until thank you cards and all other stupid pointless cards are completed ditched. What is the point in them!? It's a waste of paper, a waste of money, and a waste of time!

Astella22 · 12/09/2021 22:36

I never sent any thank you cards after my wedding as I experienced a horrendous prolonged miscarriage which I was deeply depressed after. You don’t know what goes on in people’s lives and she did thank you so I think you are looking to be offended where none was intended so I think YABU

BoredZelda · 12/09/2021 22:38

To me it's the same as preferring to receive a birthday card rather than a verbal Happy Birthday. It's taken a bit more thought and effort.

That depends entirely on circumstances. I travelled 300 mile round trip to wish my dad a happy birthday last week. I could have picked up a card whilst I was in Tesco anyway, written it, stuck a stamp on it and posted it right there. Would take 5 minutes. Or I could have gone online and sent him a physical card from one of those websites. Buying a card is hardly climbing the Himalayas. Often, taking time out to visit and wish a happy birthday is far more of an effort than sending a card.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 12/09/2021 22:44

Thank you cards are a pointless waste of tree, energy and fuel.

MrsClatterbuck · 12/09/2021 22:56

I have received cards for the last 4 weddings I attended plus one for an evening reception I attended and brought a gift. After my wedding which was in the eighties I wrote thank you letters to all those who gave gifts. Nowadays it's easier as the ones I received were pre printed cards with a photo from the wedding on one side and a thank you for the gift on the other. Would have made my task so much easier.

spotcheck · 12/09/2021 23:02

SHE SAID THANK YOU!!!
🤦🤦

I'd far rather have a genuine 'thank you' over the phone, than a strong-armed, obligatory card which will only end up in the bin

I'm old, and prefer common sense to contrived convention.

BoredZelda · 12/09/2021 23:42

Nowadays it's easier as the ones I received were pre printed cards with a photo from the wedding on one side and a thank you for the gift on the other. Would have made my task so much easier.

But isn’t it wonderful that these people took time out of their busy day to batch order 100 cards and send them out. So much better than a personal thank you over the phone. 🙄

QuornStarMartini · 13/09/2021 00:20

To the people that want a thank you note or card, what do you do with them? You read it ...and then straight in recycling? Or do you put up a card like you would a birthday card? What about if it’s just a note, do you keep it?
A call is surely better, more personal, than a note which they probably write the same thing on everyone’s.

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 13/09/2021 00:37

What do you want a card for?
It’s expensive and bad for the environment and most (if not all) of the people she sends one to will bin it anyway.
What are you going to do with it? Keep it up to show visitors to your house that you’re generous?

If someone sent me a thank you note/card I’d think it was so formal and just a generic card they had to write to everyone and id put it straight in the bin.
A phone call is much nicer

Regardless it’s been 5 months and you’re obsessing over this and have made multiple posts on it, get over it, shes said thank you.

Gazelda · 13/09/2021 00:49

I agree that the OP appears to be putting too much thought and taking too much offence at the lack of thank you card from her niece.

But I don't agree that thank you cards are always pointless. Even if a call/text/WhatsApp/whatever are made. I expect my DD to write thank you's for all gifts. It makes her think about the gift given (amongst the many she may have received and which are often unwrapped in a frenzy), it makes her think about the relative who sent it and who she might not see frequently, and it makes her think about how she could 'repay' the generosity.

For many older relatives, a hand drawn card through the post is an unexpected pleasure. It makes them smile. It's the same with postcards - seemingly pointless apart from the pleasure they give the recipient.

My DD is now 13 and has her own phone. So I expect her to phone her thanks to friends, younger generation aunties etc who wouldn't value a card so much. But it's important to me that she continues to send cards to those more traditional relatives who I know enjoy receiving her cards.

Mummasdiary2021 · 13/09/2021 08:19

People don't do cards and thank you notes these days. It's a generational thing

daisyducky · 13/09/2021 08:46

I'm late 30's and still send thank you cards for any gifts my kids get, even to their grandparents. Kids too young to write but we always do a special painting / craft on a card. My mum always acknowledges that she got it and shows the kids her with the card but my in laws never mention it. To me it is the type of person you are - I was brought up to send cards and have passed this on and my family appreciate it but my husband wasn't and that's fine. They probably think I'm odd for doing it 😂

We were invited to a wedding in July, couldn't go and send a £50 voucher. We never even got a text from the bride / groom to say thank you

BoredZelda · 13/09/2021 08:54

People don't do cards and thank you notes these days. It's a generational thing

I’m nearly in my 50s. I wouldn’t do thank you cards either. Which “generation” is it you are talking about?

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