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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DN being rude?

116 replies

Kitfish · 12/09/2021 19:08

I posted back in April about my niece's wedding.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4216145-Is-my-DN-being-rude

As she was having a small wedding I was not invited. I wanted to show my love and support so I sent a cheque for £200, which was cashed. I my original post, I asked whether MN thought my niece was being rude by not acknowledging my gift within a week. I was told I was being unreasonable as she would thank me AFTER the wedding. Anyway, it's now September (5 months later). Since the wedding, we've spoken by phone when she said thanks but haven't received a thank you note or card.

So, is my DN being rude or do people just not write thank you notes any more?

OP posts:
LaetitiaASD · 12/09/2021 19:47

@AperolWhore

I always send a handwritten thank you note for every gift, it’s common courtesy. I think your DN is extremely rude.
And that's why it's best to not do things that might involve getting a gift - life is too short to waste writing thank you cards!
stripedbananas · 12/09/2021 19:48

But she has thanked you in person so why on earth would she write a card saying the same thing.

Bizarre and very old fashioned to expect a card after a verbal thank you.

Notaroadrunner · 12/09/2021 19:48

She has thanked you on the phone therefore no need to send a card.

winterchills · 12/09/2021 19:49

I agree very rude! Especially as it was such a large amount of money and you didn't even go to the wedding!

Slippy78 · 12/09/2021 19:50

She has already thanked you. What difference would a card make?

fairytwinkletastic · 12/09/2021 19:50

@Justcallmebebes

Extremely rude especially as you weren't invited but went to the trouble of sending a substantial gift. Very bad form on your niece and her DH's part
I agree. I think wedding gifts are different to every day ones and thats a large present especially as you werent invited! Even an email / social media message would be good or a phone call. Ungrateful. Nothing to do with generation. My kids 20 and below will snap, text, messenger or call their thanks.
Blossomtoes · 12/09/2021 19:51

I’m with you @Kitfish. It’s really sad that rudeness is now considered the norm. Someone mentioned the cost of postage - £200 buys a lot of stamps.

Confused102 · 12/09/2021 19:54

I don't know anyone who sends a card anymore. What would a card do, that her actually saying thank you didn't? Yabvu.

saraclara · 12/09/2021 19:54

While I agree that she's said thank you, I think that any couple that can send out save the date cards and invitations, could also sort themselves out to send a thank you card. Certainly my daughter and her friends all did that.

Boobieboobieboobie · 12/09/2021 19:55

Fgs she has thanked you

Dontbeme · 12/09/2021 19:56

As she was having a small wedding I was not invited

Are you sure that was the reason you were not invited? Maybe she can sense you just don't like her much?

Blossomtoes · 12/09/2021 20:01

@Dontbeme

As she was having a small wedding I was not invited

Are you sure that was the reason you were not invited? Maybe she can sense you just don't like her much?

You don’t send people you don’t like £200 cheques.
Gorl · 12/09/2021 20:06

Very rude, she definitely should have written.

QuillBill · 12/09/2021 20:06

Out of ten, how much do you dislike and disapprove of your niece?

Because it sounds like ten out of ten.

It oozes from your every word.

You don't like her. Distance yourself from her.

icedcoffees · 12/09/2021 20:07

She said thank you! Why on earth does she need to send you a card on top?

You're being ridiculous.

Kuachui · 12/09/2021 20:09

I don't ever send cards, not for occasions and not for thank yous. Personally find them a waste of time and money when I could just call

Kuachui · 12/09/2021 20:09

But at the same time I would have thanked you the same day I cashed it

Cuddlyrottweiler · 12/09/2021 20:11

So you spoke on the phone and she said thankyou, do you want a transcript of that same conversation? She said thank you, job done. I don't get the idea of thank you cards. We sent thank you cards to people who gave us gifts but that we didn't get chance to thank any other way.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 12/09/2021 20:12

I would have texted a thank you when I received it though.

StrawberryJamSandwiches · 12/09/2021 20:14

Cancel the cheque Grin sorry, couldn't resist! She has said thank you, so I think YABU. I feel you really shouldn't have sent that amount if you were going to feel a type of way about it tbh...

Antinerak · 12/09/2021 20:15

Notes are out, texts are in. I don't think I've ever sent or received a thank you note or card. I'd prefer a call from someone to say thanks, not just a card saying the same thing.

You clearly don't like her, why bother sending that money if you'll only mean the kindness behind it if she thanks you 5000 times? Weird

ElJardinDeLosSuenos · 12/09/2021 20:18

@Blossomtoes

I’m with you *@Kitfish*. It’s really sad that rudeness is now considered the norm. Someone mentioned the cost of postage - £200 buys a lot of stamps.
But she hasn’t been rude - she has thanked the OP. ‘Norms’ evolve and change - just because you consider written thank you notes the norm, or it may have been the norm previously, it doesn’t mean it’s still the norm for everyone now; many posters (including me) consider a verbal thank you perfectly acceptable; in fact, I’d rather have a verbal than a written one. I also disagree with those saying “especially for x amount”. I am grateful for every gift given with love, regardless of the amount, and I give gifts to express my love and regard, not to receive the status of a suitably grovelling thank you; there isn’t some sliding scale whereby those who can afford to give a larger gift somehow deserve a different level of thank you to someone who can afford to give a smaller gift.
GoogleWhacked · 12/09/2021 20:20

Where I live traditionally you have a year to send thank you cards following a wedding.
Anyway, she said thank you so YABU.

HonoreDeBallsache · 12/09/2021 20:20

She's rude, OP.

SmileyClare · 12/09/2021 20:20

I think she should have thanked you as soon as she received (and cashed) the cheque. Her method of thanking you doesn't matter so much as the length of time she took to pick up the phone and say Thank you.

Did she phone specifically to thank you or did you ring her?