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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 3yo in park whilst going to the loo?

737 replies

DoormatBob · 11/09/2021 21:55

Not sure if this is an AIBU or more WWYD but was at a rural touristy attraction. When we arrived both DD (3, nearly 4) and me needed the loo. DD went then refused to wait for me and ran out to the play area (toilets were within the play area but not staffed/ticketed).

I told her to wait but she said no and was off, told me she was going on the slides as she legged it away! We've been there before so she knows where she's going.

I had to go to the loo and therefore she played in the park for 2 minutes unsupervised.

AIBU
YES - i should have got her back and made her stay with me.
NO - she is OK for 2 mins, she knows where I am.

What would others do? She is very independent and confident but it's just the safety aspect.

OP posts:
HarrisMcCoo · 12/09/2021 09:52

I couldn't not have done this with any of mine as they were flight risks at that age. That's not even including the more sinister risks of leaving a three year old unattended in a public place...

NovemberRain2 · 12/09/2021 09:52

@WorraLiberty

By straight back out the park gates, I mean I would've taken her straight home for her disobedience.
This
HarrisMcCoo · 12/09/2021 09:52

I could not have*

Macncheeseballs · 12/09/2021 09:52

God some really sanctimonious responses on here, how many people really have full control over a 3 year old?

Mayhemmumma · 12/09/2021 09:53

Don't beat yourself up, we all do things where we think hmmm shouldn't have done that.

You'll always think of this thread now every time she tries to escape the cubicle! I recall sitting on loo, whilst holding onto door and lock to prevent my own escape artist doing the same.

Nocutenamesleft · 12/09/2021 09:53

She’s a child. She would t of got to dictate to me. She would of had to wait in the toilets with me. End of. It only takes a second.

HarrisMcCoo · 12/09/2021 09:53

One of mine was that bad at 3yo he still had to have reins on.

Macncheeseballs · 12/09/2021 09:53

And I've never taken a kid home for disobedience in my life, and yet they all seem to have grown in to lovely rounded individuals

HarrisMcCoo · 12/09/2021 09:55

I often have to have a vice like grip on their forearm so I can pee in the cubicle to prevent them escaping out. You do what you have to even if they are kicking and screaming 🤷

metellaestinatrio · 12/09/2021 09:56

Ok, I think we can all agree OP was totally U. As others have said, my three year old would be in the cubicle with me and if she bolted I would get up and grab her. If it’s not possible to fit us both in with the door closed, I leave the door open and just wee quickly.

However, I’m curious - to all those saying they would never let their 5/6/7 year old out of their sight, do you have more than one child? I can’t always watch my 5 year old like a hawk in the playground because I am occupied with his younger siblings. I trust him not to leave the playground and check in with him regularly but the younger two need watching more closely and it’s impossible to keep them all together all the time. How do people manage this situation?

Nocutenamesleft · 12/09/2021 09:57

I put my parent voice on and say

Dont you dare! Mummy only needs a wee. I have DI. So I’ve got an issue. But my kids wouldn’t of gone if I’d used my parent voice as such.

However. We all make mistakes. No harm done this time. So relax a bit. Don’t let it happen again.

Hugs.

Northernlurker · 12/09/2021 09:57

'how many people really have full control over a 3 year old?'

That's what's required of their parent. That's the point.

SarahBop · 12/09/2021 09:57

I told her to wait but she said no and was off, told me she was going on the slides as she legged it away!

THIS is the bit that caught me. Toddlers are buggers...but they will grow into even bigger buggers if they do as they please with zero guidance.

In this instance, and I'm gonna presume you were like mid-pee and she literally bolted before you had chance to stop her....I would've [after finishing peeing Grin marched out of that toilet, caught up with the little madam and had a VERY stern chat about how is absolutely not to ignore what you say/or to run away, made her sit with you in a time-out [miss some park fun as a consequence for not listening to you] OR even left the park altogether as a punishment.

I know it is HORRIBLE when they tantrum/kick off etc...but you really have to grow a thick-skin as a parent, don't think or assume what others are thinking when they look....you have to nip this kind of behaviour in the bud or she will be an absolute brat over time.

JustSayingItHowItIs · 12/09/2021 09:58

Absolutely not.

I'd have held my son on my lap if he even attempted to run off. By not saying what she has done wrong to her just enables this behaviour.

Comedycook · 12/09/2021 09:59

to all those saying they would never let their 5/6/7 year old out of their sight, do you have more than one child? I can’t always watch my 5 year old like a hawk in the playground because I am occupied with his younger siblings

I have two DC with a two year age gap. I can honestly say my DC were never out of my sight in parks and playgrounds when they were little. It made my time there stressful but my anxiety would not allow me to not know where they were at all times

babybythesea · 12/09/2021 10:00

For me, the bigger issue is that she needs to learn to do as she’s told in instances like this, without exception.
There are times when children can have more of a say and debate with you, or get away with something you’ve asked them not to do - this isn’t one of them. Staying with you when out and about like this is essential.

It’s about your reaction to it. If she carried on playing with no consequences, then she’ll do it again next time. I think I’d be tempted, if a similar scenario occurs again (and it will) to say “If you run off, we are going straight home. Do you understand me?” And be prepared to carry it through.

When she’s at school they will rely on her understanding that ‘stay here’ means just that. You can’t have one adult for each child and even in a group of say, 3 children to one adult, if one child runs off, what does the adult do with the other two children while they chase the one? She is the same age as the children in the nursery I work with, and they absolutely can stay where they are asked so although she’s little it’s not an outrageous demand on her. We take our children out and about - they are little and won’t always get it right but obeying a direct command to stand still is pretty basic. It needs to be enforced now, at home, so that she’s not the child who gets to school thinking she doesn’t need to do what she’s told because it hasn’t mattered before.

Nocutenamesleft · 12/09/2021 10:00

@metellaestinatrio

Ok, I think we can all agree OP was totally U. As others have said, my three year old would be in the cubicle with me and if she bolted I would get up and grab her. If it’s not possible to fit us both in with the door closed, I leave the door open and just wee quickly.

However, I’m curious - to all those saying they would never let their 5/6/7 year old out of their sight, do you have more than one child? I can’t always watch my 5 year old like a hawk in the playground because I am occupied with his younger siblings. I trust him not to leave the playground and check in with him regularly but the younger two need watching more closely and it’s impossible to keep them all together all the time. How do people manage this situation?

My friend is a child psychiatrist. She says we should allow children above the age of 7. To manage risk. It creates the correct neuro pathways which means that accessing risk is good for them.

In a park I think it’s fine to let the older child not in your sight 24/7 to help you get sibling. It helps them learn how to access risk. Which they do really need for this development. Some study I think in Israel( though don’t quote me) found that risk assessment at a young age (and oxytocin at birth) stops depression in teenagers. Though it got a bit complex for me to understand.

I’ve got two different aged children.

mistermagpie · 12/09/2021 10:02

@metellaestinatrio

Ok, I think we can all agree OP was totally U. As others have said, my three year old would be in the cubicle with me and if she bolted I would get up and grab her. If it’s not possible to fit us both in with the door closed, I leave the door open and just wee quickly.

However, I’m curious - to all those saying they would never let their 5/6/7 year old out of their sight, do you have more than one child? I can’t always watch my 5 year old like a hawk in the playground because I am occupied with his younger siblings. I trust him not to leave the playground and check in with him regularly but the younger two need watching more closely and it’s impossible to keep them all together all the time. How do people manage this situation?

I have three children too so I know how hard it can be, but yes I do have my eyes on them all when we are out at the park. Eldest is (just) 6 so he might be further away than the 1 year old, but I would make sure I can still see him.
ablutiions · 12/09/2021 10:08

Well OP my kids are a lot older than yours , and as a person with bowel issues I know you can't always jump up from the loo in pursuit so you were in a difficult position, and the deed is done, BUT

You say you aren't authoritative and your DD senses this. You really need to get a grip on this for safety's sake. For example after this incident, immediately you come out of the loo, go and get her. Pick her up, take her out of the play park and explain in a very scary voice that what she has just done is dangerous, not acceptable and NEVER to be repeated. If I say 'stay here' you stay here. Every time. If you don't then we go home. Understood? Then take her home.

I also learned 2 really good techniques I pass onto all parents

  1. tell them what you want them to do, rather than what you don't: eg. 'Don't hit your brother with that spade' turns into 'PUT THAT SPADE DOWN'

  2. when they want independence outside:instead of saying 'stay where I can see you', say 'STAY WHERE YOU CAN SEE ME'.

Oh, and ask once, nicely, then tell strongly, then enforce (by action or promised sanction). Repeat requests just undermine your authority. Seriously the little buggers will run rings round you otherwise Grin

babybythesea · 12/09/2021 10:08

@Macncheeseballs

God some really sanctimonious responses on here, how many people really have full control over a 3 year old?
Would you expect a nursery to be able to look after her? She’s old enough to go on little trips with a nursery class. Would it be acceptable for them to let her run off away from them? They’ve got more than one to look after. What happens if they all run off? After all, who has full control of a three year old?
EishetChayil · 12/09/2021 10:09

I'm sorry to swear, but are you fucking joking?

Anything could have happened to her.

Terrible parenting. I really hope this is a troll.

opalescent · 12/09/2021 10:11

I wouldn't dream of it, and I am pretty relaxed.

Comedycook · 12/09/2021 10:12

My DC had a tendency to try to unlock the cubicle door while I was still on the loo...so I'd have one hand on the door at all times!

TartanJumper · 12/09/2021 10:13

@Macncheeseballs

The likelihood of anyone snatching a child in the time it takes you to go to the toilet is statistically very low
I agree in principle, but it's not impossible and not a risk many people would take.
tellittomyhead · 12/09/2021 10:14

I'm a pretty laid back mum but no I would have went and got her

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