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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 3yo in park whilst going to the loo?

737 replies

DoormatBob · 11/09/2021 21:55

Not sure if this is an AIBU or more WWYD but was at a rural touristy attraction. When we arrived both DD (3, nearly 4) and me needed the loo. DD went then refused to wait for me and ran out to the play area (toilets were within the play area but not staffed/ticketed).

I told her to wait but she said no and was off, told me she was going on the slides as she legged it away! We've been there before so she knows where she's going.

I had to go to the loo and therefore she played in the park for 2 minutes unsupervised.

AIBU
YES - i should have got her back and made her stay with me.
NO - she is OK for 2 mins, she knows where I am.

What would others do? She is very independent and confident but it's just the safety aspect.

OP posts:
EmeraldRaine · 12/09/2021 06:11

Well your kid already failed to do as she was told and wait for you, what makes you think she would stay in the play area?

I think you'd have to be pretty lax to let your pre schooler go play by herself with no parent with even half an eye on her.

BlackTee40 · 12/09/2021 06:15

@DoormatBob

Honestly not a troll, reverse or anything else. Posted as I obviously didn't feel comfortable with what happened and its playing on my mind a bit.

Not trying to justify anything but honestly had no concerns she would go off anywhere else, there is one gate in/out, toilets by the gate she was heading to the opposite end. A long way from any road (set within a country park).

She was over excited, we had just arrived and she doesn't always appreciate other people have to do things too.

I am not an authoritive speaker and I see that with her reactions to me sometimes. I have a senior position at work but sometimes say things in meetings and no one hears. Would never be a manager.

You need to woman up then. What's she going to be like as a teenager if she's walking all over you now, at 3?!
Gorl · 12/09/2021 06:18

There isn’t a parent in the world who hasn’t had a moment where they think ‘that wasn’t the best way to handle that’.

Nothing bad happened, your daughter is totally fine, you won’t do this again. It’s all ok. Every parent learns as they go.

Some people on this thread are being unreasonably harsh.

custardbear · 12/09/2021 06:31

Yes you should have got her back- 3 year old minds don't work like an adults mi d, and asPP ha w said, there are opportunists out there, that wasn't caring for your daughter's welfare sufficiently

RantyAunty · 12/09/2021 06:31

Take your child in the cubicle with you. That's what you do.
Bring a leash with you too in case the cubicle isn't large enough for you both.

Toodlydoo · 12/09/2021 06:37

Too young. If something had happened she wouldn’t have been able to help herself in any way. I would have physically carried her into the loo if need be.

Lonelylooloo · 12/09/2021 06:39

For future reference.

Adult sits on the loo to pee, foot against the back of the cubicle door to hold it firmly closed and block escapes. Expect they’ll try to climb on/swing on your leg Grin but it’s the best way.

The killers are those stupid cubicles with massive gaps under the doors, it’s like whoever designed those had quite literally never had to take a toddler to the loo with them Angry

Underamour · 12/09/2021 06:44

I still worry about the moments my kids were unattended years later- they are all healthy. So I understand that in the moment you feel you need the toilet, however in future I would just try to keep her with me. Better safe than sorry

CircleofWillis · 12/09/2021 06:45

Have you discussed this with your child's mother (if she is around)? In addition to this, how does she feel about you leaving your 3 year old in the car when you pop into the shop for 1/2 items?

I suspect your wife (husband? / partner? / ex?) knows nothing about any of this. Otherwise I am pretty sure they would have not have left you in any doubt about what you should have done.

KatherineJaneway · 12/09/2021 06:46

@WorraLiberty

She would've been straight back out the park gates before her bum touched the slide if she did that to me.

'Independence' and 'confidence' don't come into it. She's 3 years old for goodness sake.

Agree
pureofmind · 12/09/2021 06:49

I wouldn't even let my 6 nearly 7 year old
Do this. Jus takes one second for
A peodophile to snatch a child! Think yourself extremely lucky and please don't do it again

onelittlefrog · 12/09/2021 07:04

You know if your child refuses something, you can tell them they have to do it.

You're the parent.

I can't believe you let her do that.

HeronLanyon · 12/09/2021 07:07

Just not great. If I saw a child of that age alone in a park for a second I would drop what ever I was doing to keep close eye and within around 5 seconds if no adult appeared I’d be on the phone to the police keeping eagle eye on the child and ready to intervene if roads nearby etc. That’s how bad this was.
Op sounds as if you and your child would benefit from some assertiveness/parenting training. As others have said you have many years before you can reasonably say ‘well that’s her decision, I’ll step back’. You need an authoritative voice and your child needs to hear it and know there will be follow through consequences if they try to ignore it. Parenting skills don’t come naturally to everyone. You need far better assessment of risk and role and how to manage both.
No doubt any help you get will help you at work also.
Posting and getting good advice on mumsnet is a good start but I’d say you need a lot more help with this from your posts. No shame. Not everyone is great at parenting - important thing is you’ve recognised it now you need to do something about it. Pronto.
Good luck.

Brokensunflower · 12/09/2021 07:09

The bigger issue is she needs to learn to do what she's told!

EarringsandLipstick · 12/09/2021 07:12

@Generalpost

There's no way I would ever do that when I'm out both my 5 and 6 year old come in the cubical with Me.
Well that's insane. A 5 & a 6 yo can and should be able to wait outside the cubicle for you.
strawberrydonuts · 12/09/2021 07:12

*With hindsight yes but as a 37yo male physically restraining feels awful when the act of leaving the cubicle wasn't itself immediately dangerous.

Again not a justification but I wouldn't risk a tantrum in the men's toilets, they aren't nice. I should've made it perfectly clear before going in but I didn't expect what she did. She isn't often like that*

Just be thankful nothing bad happened, and just please change your behaviour next time and don't be so wet.

If she tantrums, she tantrums. That's what kids do. You need to be a bit stronger with her - she is the child and you are the parent. You know what's safe and she does not.

You don't have to restrain her, you just keep the door closed, tell her very directly that she has to stay with you and if she runs off you will be going straight home (and follow through with that). If you really struggle then as others have said, a leash at that age is fine to keep her with you in the toilets.

You do need to be a bit firmer - it's about keeping her safe, but on another note if you're letting her run rings around you now imagine what she'll be like in a few years!

SunonmyFace · 12/09/2021 07:15

Ultimately you know this wasn’t right so you have come on here for support. FairPlay OP. Have you actually thought through the parenting dynamic, not meant to be a. Silly question. You are in charge. Have a look at approaches and use one, for example team-cartwright.com/ask-tell-good-decisions/
In this circumstance, for me, it would have bee down to their level for a face to face chat and either a 3 minute enforced sit on a bench ( yes possibly with restraint) or a trip back to the car, not necessarily to leave but as part of the consequence and a slightly easier location for the time out. Time out would allow a reset, quick recap on listening to Mum/ Dad to stay safe, and back to the park.
Lots of parents have their own challenges, can’t run after the child, all the more reason to have clear boundaries, it is all about keeping them safe. Keep it simple and be consistent. good luck OP.

PS, a few people have said “get a grip, imagine when they are 13,” I find thinking of this scenario, really gives me strength when in a tricky parent situation :)

HarebrightCedarmoon · 12/09/2021 07:16

Yes, she should be in the cubicle, but in reality no harm was done and next time the OP will have her in with her.

I'm finding some of the responses here bordering on hysteria though, and far more worrying than the OP. Also a load of grown adults having a good old pile-on - over 300 posts worth, is rather unedifying.

knittingaddict · 12/09/2021 07:16

For context I brought up my children in the 80's and 90's and often find modern parenting a bit OTT.

There is absolutely no way I would have left a 3 year old in those circumstances. I had my heart in my mouth just reading it.

Also a 3 year old running off, not listening and not doing as they were told? Not happening. I know some children are more willful than others, but no way would I let that happen. It's a slippery slope and too dangerous to contemplate.

(I'm on my phone and haven't read the whole post. While writing it's crossed my mind that this may be a reverse. If it is I will be very cross. Very cross indeed.)

BustopherPonsonbyJones · 12/09/2021 07:18

You’ve had a sinking heart feeling where you know you’ve made the wrong decision. I’m sure you won’t do it again after reading the comments on here and nothing happened, so It’s not the end of the world. I’m also very relaxed about this kind of thing but even if the child is sensible, I wouldn’t try it again before they’re in Year 2.

Definitely work on boundaries. She should not be telling you what to do - it will cause massive issues when she is school and lots of grief for you (even ignoring safety considerations). Take her home immediately to show her she is not in charge. Carry her, kicking and screaming, if you have to do so.

JustLyra · 12/09/2021 07:18

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Yes, she should be in the cubicle, but in reality no harm was done and next time the OP will have her in with her.

I'm finding some of the responses here bordering on hysteria though, and far more worrying than the OP. Also a load of grown adults having a good old pile-on - over 300 posts worth, is rather unedifying.

I find the lack of comprehension in some of the replies quite bizarre.

The OP had the child in the cubicle with him this time…

Motherofalittledragon · 12/09/2021 07:19

Yes YABU, and your DD shouldn't be pleasing herself what she does.

EarringsandLipstick · 12/09/2021 07:20

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Yes, she should be in the cubicle, but in reality no harm was done and next time the OP will have her in with her.

I'm finding some of the responses here bordering on hysteria though, and far more worrying than the OP. Also a load of grown adults having a good old pile-on - over 300 posts worth, is rather unedifying.

Exactly. I'm not 100% convinced of OP's motivations in posting here, I have to say. But the level of hyperbole & drama, as well as some odious comments about OP, is unacceptable & frankly ridiculous.
ToddlerLockdown · 12/09/2021 07:25

I would have locked her in the toilet with me. If she escaped before I could do this, I would’ve gone after her and got her before I went. Only needs a second for something to go wrong. 5 minutes of toddler tantrum is worth it if it protects them

Lottie2017 · 12/09/2021 07:26

Gosh, no no no. A child can potentially be snatched even when their parent is within the playground, let alone leaving the area for three minutes. A child can panic, wander off, get lost. I am amazed that anyone would do this with a three year old.

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