AIBU moving away from DP’s DD

[Dinodoodle]

DP has been offered a new job which is an excellent opportunity for him, it’s a really good career move as well as paying an enormous amount more. The problem is that it’s based 300 miles away from DP’s DD. She’s 5, her parents split 3.5 years ago and DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. We have no other children and it’s very unlikely that we ever will.

We currently have DSD 1 night in the week and every other weekend, there’s also ad hoc other nights here and there when her mum has plans. DP and I have discussed how things could work if we were to move and so far the plan would be that he would travel back at least every 4 weeks (he’ll try and arrange it for every 3 though) and have her at his parents thur-mon. They both have bedrooms at theirs and DSD is very used to spending time there. Then she would come to us for the school holidays.

There is no doubt that taking the job will give DP the chance to provide more for his DD. He pays his ex well already (which he absolutely should) but this does mean that we are struggling to move forward with our lives. We private rent and are stuck in a tiny 1 bed flat, I sleep on the sofa when DSD stays and she sleeps in bed with DP. That obviously can’t go on for much longer. Moving will give us all more space, a proper garden, more money for activities, more money we can save for her, in future we’ll be able to buy a house that will eventually go to her and we can give her mum more for her day to day care.

If it comes to it I’m excited to go, I’ve always been a bit nomadic and enjoy adventure.

DP’s ex is going to go spare if/when he brings it up and I understand she has a right to be consulted and pissed off but are we being ridiculous to consider it? She has twice moved over an hour away for new relationships (that ended a short while after) and DP has just had to accept it and put in the extra effort to collect/drop off DD for access. It’s always him putting in the effort because ex doesn’t drive. She is an oddly controlling woman and kicks up a fuss over things that don’t even matter, so heaven knows how she’ll react to this. Example: she’s pregnant and we asked her the due date because we wanted to book a holiday and obviously don’t want to book in the weeks surrounding the birth as we expect to be needed to have DSD while she recovers/bonds in peace etc. Would she tell us? No. Cue incoming barrage about how it’s not our business and she doesn’t need our help etc etc. We’ve guessed and booked anyway but that’ll rear it’s head again.

Nothing is set, he is also in talks for a job much closer but we are genuinely torn. I’d hate to think we’re putting money over time with DSD but this is the real world and if you want things you have to go and get them.

I think if your DP has been offered such a fantastic opportunity 300 miles away, there's every chance he could seek and get an equally good opportunity not 300 miles away. So I'd suggest that instead OP.

Did he just get offered this job randomly or did he apply for it btw?

That’s amazing of you to put all that effort into maintaining their relationship. Can DSD not have the same outcome with DP putting in the same effort?

DP would never expect or allow his ex to have to do anything like that. He is prepared to do all the travelling etc and deal with any extra childcare costs. It’s not about fucking off and expecting his ex to fill the gaps, he’s never been like that and actually does a a lot of gap filling for her.

I don’t even understand how someone could consider moving that far from a child.

How could he even apply for the job?

Is there an option for him to work from home where you are now and then commute into the office a couple of days a week. So he takes the job without moving.

@PuppyMonkey

I think if your DP has been offered such a fantastic opportunity 300 miles away, there's every chance he could seek and get an equally good opportunity not 300 miles away. So I'd suggest that instead OP.

Did he just get offered this job randomly or did he apply for it btw?

He was contacted by an old colleague who wants him for it.

He is interviewing next week for somewhere closer

I can't believe he would even consider it. Very selfish, and yes, it is putting money before his dd.

@HalzTangz

Could he not take the job but fly there on a Monday, lodge and fly back on a Friday, at least for a few years until the child is more at an age to travel 300 miles EOW. I think it's unfair to cut her visits to one weekend a month, and unfair to expect to have her for every school holiday

That is another option I suppose yeah. I depends on cost as we’d still need a bigger place here on top of him paying to stay there.

It’s definitely worth a look though thanks

The only way this will work is if he flies and has a second home near the mother. Once a month or once every 3 weeks isn't parenting.
I have known parents work in a different country to their family, all women with primary school aged children, but in each case they've crammed 40 hours into 4 days. One used to bring her daughter to school on a Monday morning, fly off to Italy, then pick her up after school on a Thursday. Bloody superwoman though, I would have been exhausted. The difference is in each case they lived with their husband / father of child/ren, and used the airport for the commute.

My niece lives over 500 miles away ((her mum moved)) and tbh it's worked out fine. She's an adult now and they have a lovely, close relationship. My bro did but the effort in tho with consistent and meaningful contact. It also meant him spending Christmases with his ex for a good few years as it's unfair to take a small child across the country away from her mum at Christmas.

It worked for them. But they were adults about it and put their dd first.

Honestly?

If this was the father of my child I’d be very upset. If this was my dad I’d be very upset. 300 miles - even with more money it makes it much harder to retain that relationship.

And I bet you haven’t applied for jobs that far away because you know it would mean he follows you and that would mean he’s too far away from the child. I know I made that sacrifice when my DSS was a child.

I don’t think he should take the job unless he can remain living close to his child. Could it be worth DP working away from home in the week, maybe renting a room? Trial it for 6 months or so to see how it goes?

@sweeneytoddsrazor

I have already said this is a shitty thing to do and I would say exactly the same if it was the mum moving with a child that far from the father. However there was a recent thread where someone wanted to do exactly that and whilst some posters thought it was awful there was a lot who suggested the mum should go for it and it was up to the dad to either travel or move if he wished to continue seeing his dc on a regular basis. Interesting to once again seeing the difference MN puts on things based on which parent it is.

I saw that too

I do think if it was ex who had the opportunity to better her career and improve her and her DC’s lives then a lot more people would have a “you go girl” attitude. And dad would be a prick if he didn’t accept that and accommodate it.

I would understand the hostility more if it were me we moving for, or if we were suggesting contact twice a year, or asking mum to facilitate the contact. I never expected massive support though, I know it’s an emotive thing and impossible to fully explain things. We’re not the massive knobends some people clearly think we are though.

If it’s not feasible or will cause too much pain we won’t do it, we’re trying to find a way to live the life we want but won’t do anything that makes DSD unhappy.

300 miles is way too far away for a parent to be from their young child. It isn't just going from weekly to 3/4 weekly contact. Also: what about if the child gets ill or needs to see their dad for another reason? My dd's dad lives 200 miles from us, and it is really, really shitty of him.

@Bobsyer

Honestly?

If this was the father of my child I’d be very upset. If this was my dad I’d be very upset. 300 miles - even with more money it makes it much harder to retain that relationship.

And I bet you haven’t applied for jobs that far away because you know it would mean he follows you and that would mean he’s too far away from the child. I know I made that sacrifice when my DSS was a child.

I don’t think he should take the job unless he can remain living close to his child. Could it be worth DP working away from home in the week, maybe renting a room? Trial it for 6 months or so to see how it goes?

It’s only being considered because an old colleague of his got in touch about it. He didn’t apply or deliberately look for things that far away. My job prospects are no better or worse there than here.

Incidentally that is the arrangement that the colleague has, he left his wife and kids here, rents something there and comes back to the family home when he can. They are far more financially able to do that though.

I do think that trialling different ways of doing it is a really good idea before anything is permanently put in place though

I know I'm late to the party but...

Your DH would rather drive 1,200 miles to see his daughter for a few days a month because he will be paid more, meaning he can buy her more stuff. He's a fucking knob and I can't even imagine me or DH ever considering this.

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse

I know I'm late to the party but...

Your DH would rather drive 1,200 miles to see his daughter for a few days a month because he will be paid more, meaning he can buy her more stuff. He's a fucking knob and I can't even imagine me or DH ever considering this.

Ok. I mean she might get a new barbie or something but we were also thinking about university costs or a car, perhaps help her if/when she wants to get married or buy a house.

He needs to be very brutally honest with himself about the impact it will have.

As I said earlier a friend of mine does it because the child’s mum moved away and the big things work ok because they work together to make them work.

It’s the little things that are the killer. He couldn’t pop round when she broke her arm in a horrible fall. He couldn’t take a couple of hours off and go to a last minute prize giving event. He’s not the default when mum is ill, running late or going on a night out which means he misses out on the extra time with his DD. He doesn’t know her friends well or the likes.
And that’s with his ex really doing everything she can to facilitate everything because she knows he could have been tricky when she needed to move.

No way will this work. What about Parents evenings, every time she's in a Play at school, the Nativity at Christmas, and every other little thing, that's important to her, but not enough for you both to drive a 600 mile round trip for? You're going to miss it all.

Then when she hits the later years, she won't want to come, because she will want to see her friends at the weekend, or go shopping with pals, or cinema or whatever, and the visits will dwindle to nothing.

When my kids were in High School, we moved to a town 30 minutes away, but kept them in the same school. Very valid reasons for this, due to jobs. So I did the 60 minute school run (round trip) daily. All fine, except at the weekend when their mates were doing stuff, I had to keep going back to the original town so they didn't miss out. That was hard enough, but in your case, your DSD just won't come to see you.

My Dad is 330 miles from me. We drove down a few months ago and it took 8 hours. Sheer hell. And that's a motorway route all the way, so it's not rural or anything daft like that. One time it took 13 hours, as there'd been a crash. Generally the best run is 6 hours, and it can be anything up to 9 hours.

Sorry, but I just don't think this is in any way doable if you want your relationship with DSD to survive.

My other thought was you mention how mad her Mum will be when you reveal this plan, well, she has every right to imo. Your Partner is opting out of parenting and leaving her to it for 95% of the time. It's not fair. Imagine if your DSD announced that she was shipping out, and that you and your Partner would have to have your DSD 95% of the time!

That was meant to say : Imagine if your DSD's mother announced that she was shipping out, and that you and your Partner would have to have your DSD 95% of the time!

And yes, as a PP says, what if DSD is poorly. Everything now falls to Mum, with no back up. That's shit. I'd be perplexed and than angry in her shoes.

@Dinodoodle

No amount of money can make up for not seeing your child.

I'm sure she would rather see her dad 3 times per week down the road then once a month a 600 mile trip away.

What message does it send her?

"Sorry Daddy really wants more money and he will buy you a car when your older. Or a house if you want? You'll be fine without me."

She won't want his car or his house money when she's 18 because he couldn't be bothered to stick around and parent her.

No child wants to spend 10 hours out of the 48 they get to see there dad once a month in a car.

Also... We went on holiday recently 250 miles away... It took 12 hours there and 10 hours back. It was awful. Why put her through that just so you get a bit more money? Nasty behaviour from a parent.

A 5 year old? No way! A teen who could meet halfway, possibly.

Most parents can’t do things they want to do due to their parenting responsibilities. Your DP has to suck it up like everyone else.

It would make me think a lot less of my DP if he did this, apparently the mother is difficult but he thinks he will get custody for the whole school holidays? Not to mention the fact that school holidays are long, does he have enough holiday to cover them anyway? Are you going to resent him using every day of his leave to see his daughter?

Sounds like a great job opportunity. I feel that your DP should continue to see his daughter EOW and travel to her for the weekend. A great friend's husband lives 240 miles away and does this. Sorry but changing it to once a month might work for him but I doubt his daughter will see it that way.

Yes, of course it is unreasonable to move 300 miles away from a five year old, particularly one going through a lot of change right now, especially when this means drastically reducing the frequency of contact, which is a big issue for a child given how slowly time moves for them. Seeing her dad every 3-4 weeks for a child is like seeing someone every 2-3 months for an adult. Notwithstanding that the mother already bears the brunt of the childcare, she will now be expected to do much more. A young child might not want to be shipped off to spend the summer with her father away from her mum for days or weeks at a time either. She will most likely miss her mum and younger sibling. As she gets older she will be even less keen to uproot herself in the summer holidays and be away from her own life and friends. I just don't think that parents should be geographically remote from their children. I think that he should find a better job somewhere closer to home.