AIBU moving away from DP’s DD

[Dinodoodle]

DP has been offered a new job which is an excellent opportunity for him, it’s a really good career move as well as paying an enormous amount more. The problem is that it’s based 300 miles away from DP’s DD. She’s 5, her parents split 3.5 years ago and DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. We have no other children and it’s very unlikely that we ever will.

We currently have DSD 1 night in the week and every other weekend, there’s also ad hoc other nights here and there when her mum has plans. DP and I have discussed how things could work if we were to move and so far the plan would be that he would travel back at least every 4 weeks (he’ll try and arrange it for every 3 though) and have her at his parents thur-mon. They both have bedrooms at theirs and DSD is very used to spending time there. Then she would come to us for the school holidays.

There is no doubt that taking the job will give DP the chance to provide more for his DD. He pays his ex well already (which he absolutely should) but this does mean that we are struggling to move forward with our lives. We private rent and are stuck in a tiny 1 bed flat, I sleep on the sofa when DSD stays and she sleeps in bed with DP. That obviously can’t go on for much longer. Moving will give us all more space, a proper garden, more money for activities, more money we can save for her, in future we’ll be able to buy a house that will eventually go to her and we can give her mum more for her day to day care.

If it comes to it I’m excited to go, I’ve always been a bit nomadic and enjoy adventure.

DP’s ex is going to go spare if/when he brings it up and I understand she has a right to be consulted and pissed off but are we being ridiculous to consider it? She has twice moved over an hour away for new relationships (that ended a short while after) and DP has just had to accept it and put in the extra effort to collect/drop off DD for access. It’s always him putting in the effort because ex doesn’t drive. She is an oddly controlling woman and kicks up a fuss over things that don’t even matter, so heaven knows how she’ll react to this. Example: she’s pregnant and we asked her the due date because we wanted to book a holiday and obviously don’t want to book in the weeks surrounding the birth as we expect to be needed to have DSD while she recovers/bonds in peace etc. Would she tell us? No. Cue incoming barrage about how it’s not our business and she doesn’t need our help etc etc. We’ve guessed and booked anyway but that’ll rear it’s head again.

Nothing is set, he is also in talks for a job much closer but we are genuinely torn. I’d hate to think we’re putting money over time with DSD but this is the real world and if you want things you have to go and get them.

I don’t know why everyone is slamming @Rach888 for telling her positive experience.

@Hattie765

Sounds to me like you've both carefully weighed up the pros and cons and are being very sensible about it all. Your DSD is lucky to have you both. As long as she gets regular, sustained periods of quality time with her dad she'll be fine, go for it and good luck xx

Once a month isn't regular and sustained though is it

I try incredibly hard with his daughter, I’ve been in her life for half of it and I love her. I spend my money and time on her, we play, I cuddle her when she cries and I enforce boundaries when she’s playing up. I have gone out of my way to make her feel welcome and happy in our house because it is her home too. We have a really good relationship that I have to carefully navigate by knowing I’m not her mum but that I also need to help care for and protect her. It’s hard.

If you move 300 miles away and he goes to stay with her at his parents every month, when are you going to see her and retain this relationship with her? I think you're unrealistic to think you'll have the same relationship in the three or four weeks a year that you'll see her (her mum will also want holiday time with her).

@Suzi888 thank you, it’s madness isn’t it haha, I am only speaking from experience. Meanwhile everyone judges and chastises strangers on the internet. What a lovely bunch!

No-win situation : you'll have regrets which every way you go. However your living arrangements are unsustainable, what happens when she grows up or you want kids of your own ?. Personally I'd look at the actual prospects in finding something nearer before chucking the whole idea. Not an easy decision but it's your future too. Depends if your happy on the sofa ?.

[quote Rach888]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken yes I do and I don’t think I could leave her. But I am not the OP. I am still with my child’s father. I don’t need to take a higher paying job. Our circumstances are completely different. What an irrelevant question haha. Why have you taken such a dislike to anybody else’s opinion on this matter?[/quote]
It’s not irrelevant. It’s incredibly relevant.
Only a parent who sees their child as an option, like a hobby, would be ok moving this far from such a small child.
I’ve taken a dislike to your opinion because it’s based in pure misogyny.

I have gone out of my way to make her feel welcome and happy in our house because it is her home too.

How happy and welcome do you think she would feel in a home she only visits every 2-3 months?

Why does your DP have the option to move 300 miles from his child - what would happen if her mum decided she wanted to do similar?

The distance from his daughter is a huge negative especially when she's so young. It's a big change and some of the plans you've described seem a little unstable.

I'm mentally thinking of the trip between Birmingham and Glasgow, which I used to make stupidly frequently in a LDR (no children involved, fortunately!) It's roughly 300 mi and takes about five hours with moderate traffic (and the traffic on a holiday weekend may not be moderate!), six by rail and about seven and a half by coach. Going back one week out of three or four may sound easier on paper than it would be in real life as he probably doesn't have a good feel of the culture at his new job and as he's new they might be less flexible with him than an existing job would be.

Is he going to take time off work to be at his parents' Th-Mon? Or will the new job let him work remotely those days? What happens if he has to change jobs again, or gets a new boss or internal move and things aren't as fIexible? Depending on the type of work and the environment, he may find himself having to cancel because there's a meeting he's required to attend or he needs to be in the office for some reason.

And even if not - is he prepared for the added time, effort and cost of the 300 mi trip every 3 weeks? If his daughter comes to you on school holidays, will he need to go and pick her up and then take her home at the end of the trip? It will be some time before she'll be able to travel alone, and even then she may not wish to.

And then there's the question of the grandparents; it's a pretty big responsibility for them and while maybe fine as a stopgap, this could continue for another 13+ years. Their circumstances may change; they may want to relocate themselves or have particular financial or health issues. It's a lot to ask of them to commit to staying put and being able to host in this way, although they may feel comfortable with it now. They may also have reservations and not feel able to bring them up.

Will he be able to delay accepting the far away job until he gets an offer (or not) for the local one? Sometimes these decisions take longer than expected. I'd say if he has to find a new job and this is genuinely the only one available right now, he'd have to take it and make it work. But perhaps use it as a stepping stone with the view to finding a better job near his daughter in a few years rather than deciding to settle far away.

Nothing is ideal, once you split up, for the kids. Dad sacrificing the job of a lifetime on the off-chance that his ex will never move? That could lead to a lot of bitterness in a year's time if her new partner moves with his work.

Some people send their children to boarding school from a young age and only see them on holidays. There are adults who grew up that way and feel like they had a good childhood. I still wouldn’t choose to only see my children once a month.

@Suzi888

I don’t know why everyone is slamming *@Rach888* for telling her positive experience.

It's only positive because her mother did a lot of enabling to make it so.

Yes he could put the effort it to make it work, and his DD may be fine, as has been the case for some PP. But it wasn't for me, and it could be a red flag. The OP has only been in a relationship with him for 8 months, maybe he is really a selfish arseholes and this behaviour is a snapshot of that? My mum always said she didn't realise he was horrible until she married and lived with him, despite knowing he'd already abandoned his children from his first marriage (he moved away from them and hardny say them, just as he did with us). Maybe if my mum had seen that as the indicator of character that it was, she'd have saved herself years of pain and a messy divorce? Leaving your kids it's always going mean the guy's a wrongun, but it can.

Sorry, that was a bit garbled, but you get the jist!

When you have kids sometimes you have to make sacrifices and that often includes in your career until they're a bit older.

My dad moved 300 miles away when I was in my twenties. It's a 5 hr drive, we hardly see each other, covid didn't help and i resent the fact he didn't want to stay close enough to be a part of mine and my kids lives. So I dread to think how a 5 yo growing up would feel about it.

I think the decision is up to DP, I'd stay out of it if I were OP.

But here's no way it's remotely realistic for his DD to travel 300 miles EOW. That's a 6-7 hour drive just for her, let alone 2 round trips for DP. So to provide continuity, DP will have to be willing/able to take off work early and EOW travel 600 miles (round trip) himself and, unless he has family to put him up, pay for a hotel for 2-3 nights in order to see his DD. And OP will have to deal with either being without him during that period or travel with him. That's going to get old real fast and is going to be pretty pricy. And if DP wants to change access to having DD for school holidays instead, he's going to face a fight (sounds like) with his ex. Now you're talking money for a court battle.

OP needs to factor all these extra expenses to the increase in wages for DP.

You sound like you are trying to justify this to yourself. I'm sorry but this is plain wrong. Father's in children's lives are just as important as mother's. Can you imagine the comments on here/in RL if her mum was moving so far away?

He will just have to find a better paid job closer to home. She's 5, it's too far.

I'm sorry if this sounds brutal but I don't think he should even be considering it.

There's barely a mother in the land who would even consider taking a job that means they'd only see their children once a month.

I could never be attracted to a man who did this. Justify it all you like but It's the height of selfish. If he's smart/hardworking he'll find another way of earning more money. I think it's appalling personally but as so many useless men do it, I'm sure he'll convince himself it's perfectly fine.

If he does this he'd have to be prepared for his relationship with his daughter to change massively.

I know someone who is a four hour journey away from his son after allowing his ex to move back to her hometown when she was struggling massively with a family situation.

They have a super agreeable co-parenting relationship. The ex allows him to stay in her house every month (she goes to her Mum), she also facilitates Facetime most days and she gives him the pick of the school holidays so he always can get the time off.

Even with that level of working together it's difficult. He doesn't have that day-to-day hands on relationship with his daughter and he is always torn between regretting agreeing and knowing it was the right thing at that time.

@Clymene

Look for another job. You can't move 300 miles away from a 5 year old. I'm sorry his child is such a burden and impacting on his career. Most normal people wouldn't even apply for a job that far from their child.

100% this. So what if he earns more money. Do you think her childhood will be better by spending more time with her parent or having a fairly absent parent but lots more toys and clothes. Also long term how is visiting at his parents going to work. Do you expect them to house him and her for the next 13 years? Let’s say they sell or die where and when would he see his DD. All seems very selfish to me and very convenient how you told yourself it’s even better for her as dad will have more money. If I was the ex I would go ballistic too - basically she will have to do 85% of the parenting going forward.

If he only has his DD one night a week and no other responsibilities he has ample time to progress his career in another direction - there's really no excuse here.

I wouldn’t move this far away. 300miles is too far. I’d keep looking for a better paid job closer to home. Money is important but so is time. There is always a balance to be had, but this is too extreme a swing.

NRTFT but you are SO out of order to encourage this.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken you are coming across very close minded. And what a sweeping statement to make about parents who move away from their children. My opinion is based on my actual life and experiences so I am more than entitled to it. My mother is a feminist and a very strong woman who has raised me to be the same - to say I am basing my argument on misogyny is so far removed from the truth it’s quite laughable. But you MUST be correct as you know me so well and cannot take ANY other opinions on board. I’m going out now so unfortunately cannot waste my time further on this.

P.s: not all fathers / men are evil ;)

This is just terrible timing I'm afraid. For her dad to move so far away at the same time as she's displaced by a new baby, is about as bad as it gets for a five year old.

You think you have lovely plans for how he will spend time with her, but those plans depend on cooperation from her mum, and I would bet anything that she punishes you both for this decision, and makes contact as difficult as possible.

Could he not take the job but fly there on a Monday, lodge and fly back on a Friday, at least for a few years until the child is more at an age to travel 300 miles EOW. I think it's unfair to cut her visits to one weekend a month, and unfair to expect to have her for every school holiday