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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS2 just punched DS1

104 replies

StColumbofNavron · 11/09/2021 11:27

Posting here for traffic really.

DC1 - 15
DC2 - 13
DC3 - 11

All 3 DC playing a computer game together, it degenerated, I intervened and told them to quit the game and so their own things before it escalated. DC2 punched DC1 in the back as he walked out of the room.

I’ve been in and had serious words and said I will be back shortly as went to check on DS1 who is fuming. DC2 is due to go out and meet his friends today which on any other day after this behaviour I would say he cannot go, however I am out this afternoon until early evening (can’t be changed) and that would mean leaving them both together in the house which I don’t want to do and it’s not up to DC1 to deal with DC2’s stroppiness at being grounded.

I do feel he needs a consequence but what?

  • he isn’t gaming that much himself these days so I can’t take anything away
  • pocket money has already been given for this month and taking any away next month the moment will have passed
  • he is refusing to apologise and it won’t be sincere anyway and DC1 doesn’t want his apology
OP posts:
romdowa · 11/09/2021 11:28

Can you take ds2 with you where you are going?

Marni83 · 11/09/2021 11:30

Yes bring DS2
In fact he has to stay with you the entire weekend

And no screen time entire weekend

Will be W punishment for you too I suspect though

Original poster
StColumbofNavron · 11/09/2021 11:38

He cannot come with me unfortunately otherwise that absolutely would be a solution. He isn’t really screen timing at the moment, in fact he has had a great week working really hard and choosing not to be on screens so this behaviour today is disappointing.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 11/09/2021 11:40

Is there any adult in the family he can be with?

Basically the idea is not to let him do what he wants which is meet up with his friends.

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 11:42

Isn't there another adult that can step in?

Ducksurprise · 11/09/2021 11:43

He isn't a toddler, where the punishment needs to be quick to link to the bad behaviour.

Let him go today as it's better than the alternative but he still has to have a consequence, he can have his consequence tomorrow or next week as he is old enough to remember why he is having it.

JoyOrbison · 11/09/2021 11:44

Is there a no nonsense family member or friend you can leave dc2 with? I ask as my mum was that person! She used to get calls from aunties in tears and would march in to sort them out, plus if they seemed to be pulling a sickie they would be sent to my mum if she wasn't working as they wouldn't be left with TV on so any sickness 90% of time miraculously cured itself.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 11/09/2021 11:44

Any other family members he could stay with while you're out?

5128gap · 11/09/2021 11:46

You can impose any consequences you like at a time to suit you. He is quite old enough to understand that the delayed punishment is for this behaviour its not like a toddler who would forget. Just explain you are letting him go out, not because he is not to be punished but because you are going out. His punishment will be X and will take place on Y.

Ducksurprise · 11/09/2021 11:46

@StColumbofNavron

He cannot come with me unfortunately otherwise that absolutely would be a solution. He isn’t really screen timing at the moment, in fact he has had a great week working really hard and choosing not to be on screens so this behaviour today is disappointing.
Even more reason to let him have today, today is reward for his good behaviour, but there will be consequences for his poor behaviour. It also gives you time to decide what consequence is appropriate. Mn is full of people who go 'nuclear' and want to ban everything for weeks but this doesn't work in reality for many reasons including if they have lost everything there is nothing more to lose so they may as well misbehave.
DayDate · 11/09/2021 11:50

One punch as he walked past?

I'd make a fuss of DS1 "to make him feel better" and make DS2 apologise.

I don't think there's any more drama than that needed, it will just build resentment between the boys. No doubt in DS2's mind his brother deserved it and maybe he didnif she started whatever caused the gaming ban.

My DC are adults now BTW and didn't turn out to be thugs.

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/09/2021 11:51

Given he can’t go with you, you can’t cancel and it’s time wise to leave DC1 and DC2 home alone together, then I’d let him see his friends.

But, I would set him a an extra chore to do as punishment which must be done or he loses next months pocket money. A 13yr old is quite capable of cleaning an oven or refrigerator, or helping clear out and sweep the garage, or washing all the dishes for a week.

As well as that he should be required to write a letter of apology to his brother.

5128gap · 11/09/2021 11:54

There must be something that will punish him without negatively impacting other people. Why should family members be inconvenience minding a stroppy teen, or OP have to put up with him. Is there something like a boring chore you could get him to do that would benefit someone, ideally DS1? That way he is punished and makes some reparation too.

negomi90 · 11/09/2021 11:56

Unless you can find another adult to leave him with or can take him with you and leave him in a corridor next to your appointment (he's old enough to not supervision while nearish you), then you have no choice but to let him go out. You clearly can't leave him alone with older brother. And probably shouldn't leave him with younger sibling if your eldest wants to go out instead.
Are you other 2 ok together? Are they likely to be unsettled and take out frustrations from this morning on each other this afternoon when unsupervised?

Marni83 · 11/09/2021 11:57

Surely this type of thing has happened before between two brothers of those ages?

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 11:58

@Marni83

Surely this type of thing has happened before between two brothers of those ages?
Punching each other? Not necessarily.
SeaToSki · 11/09/2021 11:58

Why did he punch him?

DS2 can take on any chores of DS 1 for the week?

Ask DS1 what the consequence should be

Ask DS 2 what the consequence should be

Give DS2 an extra job to do this week like weeding or clearing out the garage, cleaning cars inside and out…….

Marni83 · 11/09/2021 11:58

* As well as that he should be required to write a letter of apology to his brother.*

You don’t have teen boys do you?! Grin

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 11:59

@Marni83

* As well as that he should be required to write a letter of apology to his brother.*

You don’t have teen boys do you?! Grin

Well, I have teen boys. They don't punch each other.
slashlover · 11/09/2021 11:59

@DayDate

One punch as he walked past?

I'd make a fuss of DS1 "to make him feel better" and make DS2 apologise.

I don't think there's any more drama than that needed, it will just build resentment between the boys. No doubt in DS2's mind his brother deserved it and maybe he didnif she started whatever caused the gaming ban.

My DC are adults now BTW and didn't turn out to be thugs.

I agree with this this, my sister and I used to hit each other occasionally, it was mostly frustration on one persons part. We apologised, were kept apart for a few hours and were fine afterwards. Do you know how the disagreement started? My sister would deliberately wind me up until I lashed out (nobody knows how to annoy you as quickly and your sore points as much as a sibling does).

We get on brilliantly now.

SirChenjins · 11/09/2021 12:03

@DayDate

One punch as he walked past?

I'd make a fuss of DS1 "to make him feel better" and make DS2 apologise.

I don't think there's any more drama than that needed, it will just build resentment between the boys. No doubt in DS2's mind his brother deserved it and maybe he didnif she started whatever caused the gaming ban.

My DC are adults now BTW and didn't turn out to be thugs.

I’m so glad you said this - I’m pretty strict but I can’t get so worked up about one punch between brothers in this situation to the point I’d be banning weekends and involving other adults (providing they’re not knocking lumps out of each other regularly of course).

Make him apologise, tell him that he’s now on his final warning and let it go. Mine used to behave like this from time to time - they’re now well balanced, well liked adults with responsible jobs (who haven’t gone down the criminal route as a result of a flash fight with their brother/sister years ago as teenagers)

EarringsandLipstick · 11/09/2021 12:03

God the drama here!

He punched him in the back once? Give him a consequence like an extra chore, he needs to apologise at some point to his brother, and then move on.

It's not that big a deal, this is what teenage DC do.

maddening · 11/09/2021 12:05

Send him to another adult while you are out.

Wandafishcake · 11/09/2021 12:05

When I and my sister fought as teens, any intervention from parents only made the resentment fester.
The one who punched did the wrong thing, of course, but he may have been driven to it by older sibling. Older teens have better regulation, quite easy to wind up a younger sibling to the point where they lash out and then get into trouble.

I think I’d have stern words with all of them and then leave them to sort out their squabbles.

Marni83 · 11/09/2021 12:07

He punched him on the back.

I reckon most teen brothers have done similar

A punch to the face? No - that would certainly be extreme

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