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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS2 just punched DS1

104 replies

StColumbofNavron · 11/09/2021 11:27

Posting here for traffic really.

DC1 - 15
DC2 - 13
DC3 - 11

All 3 DC playing a computer game together, it degenerated, I intervened and told them to quit the game and so their own things before it escalated. DC2 punched DC1 in the back as he walked out of the room.

I’ve been in and had serious words and said I will be back shortly as went to check on DS1 who is fuming. DC2 is due to go out and meet his friends today which on any other day after this behaviour I would say he cannot go, however I am out this afternoon until early evening (can’t be changed) and that would mean leaving them both together in the house which I don’t want to do and it’s not up to DC1 to deal with DC2’s stroppiness at being grounded.

I do feel he needs a consequence but what?

  • he isn’t gaming that much himself these days so I can’t take anything away
  • pocket money has already been given for this month and taking any away next month the moment will have passed
  • he is refusing to apologise and it won’t be sincere anyway and DC1 doesn’t want his apology
OP posts:
CharityDingle · 11/09/2021 14:12

I would be checking if there was winding up going on, on the part of the older sibling, before rushing into rewarding him.

Some people are experts at it. Not saying that was the case, of course.

I think I would make it clear that it's not acceptable to punch, and take things from there.

FrippEnos · 11/09/2021 14:18

PlanDeRaccordement

According to you I would be the abuser in my sibling relationship and my older sibling the victim.

Many years down the line my elder sibling has had official warnings at work for the continual winding up of colleagues (its just a joke banter etc.) was the abuser in their marriage and I am nc with them.

This type of behaviour needs to be put firmly in context.

Whitefire · 11/09/2021 14:22

So by the OP's own observation the two are them were at loggerheads, dc1 is 'fuming' (seems to be a reaction to more than a punch) and probably until the punch was giving the verbals too. Yet dc1 according to Mumsnet should be given money to go to the cinema and get a takeaway.

Let them resolve it themselves.

DahliaMacNamara · 11/09/2021 14:22

Assuming there's no history of bullying or unprovoked violence, I couldn't get worked up about a bit of argy-bargy between teenage siblings of either sex. Not saying you should let it go without comment, but overdoing the punishment only risks stoking further resentment.

Pippapet · 11/09/2021 14:24

It sounds shocking at first read... but then a PP mentioned she used to fight her sister at that age and I remembered I did too, we really went for it on occasion. My parents didn't really step in, we were left to sort it out ourselves. The rest of the time we got on well enough though, and as adults now we couldn't be closer and I love her to pieces.

I do think that it shouldn't be overlooked though to stop it becoming the norm rather than an exception, however, I'm not sure about punishment. It's more talking about self control and how lashing out physically without thinking and on impulse could have really serious consequences. Also about respect for family members. Punishing alone doesn't really tackle the emotional side of things. Perhaps his punishment should be to sit down together, talk through what happened in detail (for as long as it takes), take responsibility for actions and apologise genuinely.

user1493494961 · 11/09/2021 14:26

Seemingly a lot of drama about very little.

takingmytimeonmyride · 11/09/2021 14:32

I love that meme. Grin

I have 5 boys and they do a lot of arguing. Hmm sometimes a thump or a kick gets out and I just tell them to stop bloody fighting, and get away from each other, don't talk to each other, don't look at each other. They can be quite annoying. But then I remember fighting my brother as a kid, we'd have some right scraps. Blush

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/09/2021 14:35

@FrippEnos

PlanDeRaccordement

According to you I would be the abuser in my sibling relationship and my older sibling the victim.

Many years down the line my elder sibling has had official warnings at work for the continual winding up of colleagues (its just a joke banter etc.) was the abuser in their marriage and I am nc with them.

This type of behaviour needs to be put firmly in context.

Not according to me, but according to plain fact. If you are hitting a sibling, you are committing sibling abuse.

As for your sibling growing up to become abusive themselves, yes it is very common for child victims of domestic abuse to grow up and become abusers themselves.

So, because your parents allowed the sibling abuse, they’ve raised two abusers. That is why we had zero tolerance for it when raising our DCs.

Recessed · 11/09/2021 14:37

I'd come down hard on him personally. I know it's common for siblings to physically fight but I don't think it should be normalised at all. It's the only thing I came down on like a ton of bricks with my DC, as I decided when they were babies I wouldn't tolerate it and couldn't live in a violent house as I grew up in one of those and it was brutal at times the fights us siblings would have. It shouldn't have been allowed. I especially hate the "boys will be boys" attitude to it I hear from parents of boys when the same little shits were punching other kids with abandon from toddlerhood onwards. It comes down to shit parenting IMO.

If he's still refusing to apologise I'd come down doubly hard.

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 11/09/2021 14:43

When my DC were in primary school, I got two phone calls one day...

The first was to say that DS had hit a child on the school bus - they couldn't say which child - and that he would be spoken to about it.

The second was to say that DD has been hit by a child on the school bus, she was OK, but the child concerned would be spoken to...

You can imagine...

Recessed · 11/09/2021 14:45

ChocolateDeficitDisorder

GrinGrinGrin that's taking student confidentiality a tad too seriously!

slashlover · 11/09/2021 14:46

get away from each other, don't talk to each other, don't look at each other. They can be quite annoying. But then I remember fighting my brother as a kid, we'd have some right scraps.

Ohhh...the don't talk to each other, don't look at each other brought back some memories! Being made to sit on separate chairs, still making faces at each other behind our parents backs and eventually making up and getting annoyed at our parents because it wasn't a big deal and why were they still going on about it?

takingmytimeonmyride · 11/09/2021 15:25

Ooh, I remembered me and my brother used to wind my mum up by pretending to be fighting. So we'd be shouting at each other "get off me" "ow, stop hitting me" and my mum would rush in to tell us to behave and we'd be sitting at opposite sides of the room reading a book quietly. Grin kids are just horrible.

VorpalSword · 11/09/2021 16:00
  • Not according to me, but according to plain fact. If you are hitting a sibling, you are committing sibling abuse.

As for your sibling growing up to become abusive themselves, yes it is very common for child victims of domestic abuse to grow up and become abusers themselves.

So, because your parents allowed the sibling abuse, they’ve raised two abusers. That is why we had zero tolerance for it when raising our DCs.*

But the person in this case said earlier they were the victim of sibling abuse - not physical but verbal and emotional. Being a teenager, under developed pre-frontal cortex and all that, and also being unable to move away she would lash out in retaliation.

The question of ‘Who started it’ shouldn’t only consider the physical but also verbal abuse.

Stircraazy · 11/09/2021 16:04

If the three can't be trusted to play together without fighting, then surely the aggressor (DS2) in this case, won't be allowed to be included in the play the next time.

Isn't that enough?

Yes.

Whitefire · 11/09/2021 16:49

plan that reply to fripp was completely unnecessary, you have absolutely no idea of what happened yet you have branded her an abuser and accused her parents of raising two abusers.

FrippEnos · 11/09/2021 17:28

PlanDeRaccordement

Unfortunately you are ignoring that my sibling was abusing me in order to get a reaction.

But it must be wonderful to live in such a black and white world.

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/09/2021 17:33

I’m not ignoring anything. It’s not your fault but your parents fault that they allowed you two to abuse each other. I’m not surprised you are NC with your sibling or that he has gone on to abuse partners as an adult after being raised in such dysfunctional environment.

@whitefire I’m not accusing anyone, the poster confessed to hitting her sibling. No accusation necessary when there is a free confession made.

And I do think you both and others are simply trying to minimise and normalise this type of domestic violence. Please read this before getting all offended. Sibling abuse is a type of domestic abuse and in my opinion no less serious than the other forms of domestic abuse.

criminal-justice.iresearchnet.com/crime/domestic-violence/sibling-abuse/

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/09/2021 17:36

I agree with letting him go today, as it suits everyone and also rewards his good behaviour in the week.

I like the idea of an extra chore as punishment as it is win win for you!

SirChenjins · 11/09/2021 18:21

@ChocolateDeficitDisorder

When my DC were in primary school, I got two phone calls one day...

The first was to say that DS had hit a child on the school bus - they couldn't say which child - and that he would be spoken to about it.

The second was to say that DD has been hit by a child on the school bus, she was OK, but the child concerned would be spoken to...

You can imagine...

Love it Grin
Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 18:30

I am not seeing why this is a big deal. And people talking about the oldest as though they need comforting in the way a 5 year old would be.

And talking of sibling abuse.

Sounds fairly straight forward. Teen siblings had an argument. Probably wrong on all sides. One, and early teen took it too far.

An apology and something like not letting ds2 play the next time, should be enough.

Why this thread has turned to 'sibling abuse' debate, is really odd.

Cheeseplantboots · 11/09/2021 18:40

Tell your son to apologise and move on. Jeez me and met sister used to take chunks out of each other!

FrippEnos · 11/09/2021 19:19

PlanDeRaccordement

I am not offended, nor am I minimising abuse.

I just believe that you are wrong.

There is (IMO) a hole in your argument.

Also from what you are posting any woman (anybody) that has defended themselves against a partner must therefore be abusive.

This must be your PoV or you are on a wind up.

Darbs76 · 11/09/2021 19:25

Take his phone

Whatinthelord · 11/09/2021 19:28

I worry less about the exact punishment and more about working out what to do to prevent it happening again or an escalation.

Can5 your DC 1 go out instead. Maybe give him some money to catch a film with a mate? So your DC 2 has to stay in.

Maybe tell him there has to be an apology but give him some time to calm and get space first.