DS2 just punched DS1

[StColumbofNavron]

Posting here for traffic really.

DC1 - 15
DC2 - 13
DC3 - 11

All 3 DC playing a computer game together, it degenerated, I intervened and told them to quit the game and so their own things before it escalated. DC2 punched DC1 in the back as he walked out of the room.

I’ve been in and had serious words and said I will be back shortly as went to check on DS1 who is fuming. DC2 is due to go out and meet his friends today which on any other day after this behaviour I would say he cannot go, however I am out this afternoon until early evening (can’t be changed) and that would mean leaving them both together in the house which I don’t want to do and it’s not up to DC1 to deal with DC2’s stroppiness at being grounded.

I do feel he needs a consequence but what?

• he isn’t gaming that much himself these days so I can’t take anything away
• pocket money has already been given for this month and taking any away next month the moment will have passed
• he is refusing to apologise and it won’t be sincere anyway and DC1 doesn’t want his apology

It probably depends on the family dynamic. I am one of eight and have five of my own.

There has always been a bit of fighting but there is no resentment as adults.

Some people, especially on mn, seem to hold the view that physical violence is never excusable and I'm not entirely sure why. The most upsetting incidents that stay with me 30 years later are verbal or injustices. Obviously, I wouldn't hold that view if my sister had stabbed me I'm sure, but outside of extreme violence and outright abuse, siblings punching each other one afternoon or my mum smacking my arse has not traumatised me.

This punching episode would not be a massive deal in my house. Mine aren't fighting all the time but I would insist on an apology but thats it. I think your immediate reaction and general disappointment is enough.

@HugeAckmansWife

In that scenario I'd be giving ds2 extra chores while you're out, or tomorrow but leave it at that. Frustration borne from a game and a passing blow between brothers.. I absolutely 100% dislike violence but I think there is a distinction between sibling squabbles and properly squaring up.

I agree with this.

Crikey, my siblings and I used to scrap all the time! We love each other very much, would do anything for each other despite the odd thump. Mid teens years are very very hard. I’d be more surprised at those who say their children who are teens and close in age have never fought each other.
Now if he had punched a friend in the same way, that would be a serious issue.

Only on mumsnet would you get these types of responses.

In the real world, siblings may often disagree and occasionally there may be a smack or a shove. Life goes on and nobody dies.
He knows it was wrong, he doesn’t need to write a letter or be watched by another adult as a punishment.

My brother and I used to do things like this as kids. We're ok now if that helps

@RussianSpy101

Only on mumsnet would you get these types of responses.

In the real world, siblings may often disagree and occasionally there may be a smack or a shove. Life goes on and nobody dies.
He knows it was wrong, he doesn’t need to write a letter or be watched by another adult as a punishment.

I'm going to say that in the vast majority of classrooms, this kind of incident between teens would be competely ignored.

I'm one of four. My youngest brother always wound up the oldest until he reacted and then the oldest would get punished and the youngest would smirk and wind him up more.

Parental intervention always made things worse.

My teens were horrible to each other this week, I told them to go and do separate things in a non communal part of the house. They don't have to like each other or get along but they are not allowed to shout and swear when it affects me wfh and the neighbours in their garden etc. So its not a punishment its a consequence- if you can't play nice then you have to do something else.

I think emotions are running high with the start of a new term, at this point it feels like life will never properly go back to normal. For teenagers wondering what the future will bring is hard enough anyway, let alone when none of the adults can tell them because we are all adrift too.

I would probably give him one of DS1s chores to do and leave it at that.

Its not all that dramatic.

Crikey, my siblings and I used to scrap all the time! We love each other very much, would do anything for each other despite the odd thump. Mid teens years are very very hard. I’d be more surprised at those who say their children who are teens and close in age have never fought each other.

I remember my sister and fighting occasionally, I actually hated her sometimes BUT I would have defended her to the death against anyone else. I even backed her against my parents sometimes when I thought they'd been unfair or be the only one who could talk her down when she was upset. She could still be a horrible person sometimes.

I threw something at my sister in a fury when we were early teens and cut her head open . I remember begging her not to tell mum and apologising profusely, we sorted it out between ourselves, said it was an accident and moved on. She is my absolute best friend now, even though we had the odd push and shove as kids. I would insist on an apology, and let him go out with his mates as you haven't got an option. If he won't apologise he doesn't get his pocket money next month. He isn't a toddler, he will understand the delayed punishment. Don't worry about it too much, it's obviously not on to hit but I can't think of any of my friends from school who didn't fight with their siblings, especially as teens.

@DayDate

One punch as he walked past?

I'd make a fuss of DS1 "to make him feel better" and make DS2 apologise.

I don't think there's any more drama than that needed, it will just build resentment between the boys. No doubt in DS2's mind his brother deserved it and maybe he didnif she started whatever caused the gaming ban.

My DC are adults now BTW and didn't turn out to be thugs.

This

Unless there’s a back story OP I think it’s all a bit of an overreaction.

Reminds me of this meme, which I relate to.

It sounds as though this is probably a scenario like @Wandafishcake and @WhenISnappedAndFarted have explained. 2 siblings, who normally getting along having a spat. However, parents should treat any violence seriously and separate the siblings for a while at the very least.

A punch on the back is not great and if you don’t take a zero tolerance approach, it could be your dc1 or 2 on dc3 for example.

With my dd, I don’t really punish as she’s 13 and not too badly behaved. Confiscation for a couple of days of favourite and much coveted jacket would work for something more serious or not taking her riding.

I have sons, stepsons, grandsons…one irritated punch in passing?
They do that !
The moment has passed, ds2 will be all the better out of the way. Maybe offer ds1 money for a takeaway later or let it go, don’t escalate it.

Honestly, I'd make him apologise and let it go. If it's not a regular occurrence then I don't see the need for further punishment.

@DayDate

One punch as he walked past?

I'd make a fuss of DS1 "to make him feel better" and make DS2 apologise.

I don't think there's any more drama than that needed, it will just build resentment between the boys. No doubt in DS2's mind his brother deserved it and maybe he didnif she started whatever caused the gaming ban.

My DC are adults now BTW and didn't turn out to be thugs.

OP has already said he will not apologise.

I'd give ds1 some money to go out for the afternoon- take a friend to the cinema for example

I'm going to say that in the vast majority of classrooms, this kind of incident between teens would be competely ignored.

@5128gap

You can impose any consequences you like at a time to suit you. He is quite old enough to understand that the delayed punishment is for this behaviour its not like a toddler who would forget. Just explain you are letting him go out, not because he is not to be punished but because you are going out. His punishment will be X and will take place on Y.

This. He’s quite old enough to understand that.

I'm going to say that in the vast majority of classrooms, this kind of incident between teens would be competely ignored.
It really wouldn't be

Make him do a few of DS1 most hated chores. Forcing him to apologize will mean nothing.

One punch in the back as he walked past? Not ideal, but hardly crime if the century?

@Wandafishcake

When I and my sister fought as teens, any intervention from parents only made the resentment fester. The one who punched did the wrong thing, of course, but he may have been driven to it by older sibling. Older teens have better regulation, quite easy to wind up a younger sibling to the point where they lash out and then get into trouble.

I think I’d have stern words with all of them and then leave them to sort out their squabbles.

This

do your children have chores? I'd make the consequence that DS2 has to do something for DS1 so take on one of his jobs to give DS1 more free time or hand over some of his allowance etc.
but.... well its the ragin hormones age and they are close together in age so I'd also be talking in a general way to all of them about feelings and stress management.