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Original poster

DS2 just punched DS1

104 replies

StColumbofNavron · 11/09/2021 11:27

Posting here for traffic really.

DC1 - 15
DC2 - 13
DC3 - 11

All 3 DC playing a computer game together, it degenerated, I intervened and told them to quit the game and so their own things before it escalated. DC2 punched DC1 in the back as he walked out of the room.

I’ve been in and had serious words and said I will be back shortly as went to check on DS1 who is fuming. DC2 is due to go out and meet his friends today which on any other day after this behaviour I would say he cannot go, however I am out this afternoon until early evening (can’t be changed) and that would mean leaving them both together in the house which I don’t want to do and it’s not up to DC1 to deal with DC2’s stroppiness at being grounded.

I do feel he needs a consequence but what?

  • he isn’t gaming that much himself these days so I can’t take anything away
  • pocket money has already been given for this month and taking any away next month the moment will have passed
  • he is refusing to apologise and it won’t be sincere anyway and DC1 doesn’t want his apology
OP posts:
Dntevenknowit · 11/09/2021 12:07

Totally agree regarding parents intervening leading to greater resentment. They’re teenagers they’ll work it out on their own.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 11/09/2021 12:10

My two have done similar at times. I just went ballistic at them, shouted at dc1 that he was never, ever to touch anyone violently again, made him apologise. They get on fine and it doesn’t happen anymore.

CrossUniStudent · 11/09/2021 12:12

@Marni83

Surely this type of thing has happened before between two brothers of those ages?
Why do people normalise this behaviour?
PlanDeRaccordement · 11/09/2021 12:12

@Marni83

* As well as that he should be required to write a letter of apology to his brother.*

You don’t have teen boys do you?! Grin

I did. They are now early 20s. We did not accept physical violence or leave children to “work it out amongst themselves” because that leads to sibling domestic abuse. There is no excuse for punching a sibling.
adeleh · 11/09/2021 12:12

@Wandafishcake

When I and my sister fought as teens, any intervention from parents only made the resentment fester. The one who punched did the wrong thing, of course, but he may have been driven to it by older sibling. Older teens have better regulation, quite easy to wind up a younger sibling to the point where they lash out and then get into trouble.

I think I’d have stern words with all of them and then leave them to sort out their squabbles.

I agree with this. My sister used to wind up my brother to breaking point, so he’d get into trouble. I bet DS15 is not blameless.
ANameChangeAgain · 11/09/2021 12:12

My ds and I were like this - one would aggravate the other etc. We were clever enough though not to do it in front of our parents. My teens are the same, we call it poking the tiger.
If its a one off restrict gaming if that was the trigger, have a chat and then let it go. An apology to his older brother is better after everyone has cooled down. I wouldn't be making a drama or changing plans over it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/09/2021 12:14

The one who punched did the wrong thing, of course, but he may have been driven to it by older sibling. Older teens have better regulation, quite easy to wind up a younger sibling to the point where they lash out and then get into trouble.

Nice piece of victim blaming there. Do you say that to women after their partner has punched them? That women being less violent than men have better regulation and so can easily wind up men?

HugeAckmansWife · 11/09/2021 12:14

In that scenario I'd be giving ds2 extra chores while you're out, or tomorrow but leave it at that. Frustration borne from a game and a passing blow between brothers.. I absolutely 100% dislike violence but I think there is a distinction between sibling squabbles and properly squaring up.

Branleuse · 11/09/2021 12:17

id not let him play the game anymore. That would be the most natural consequence, or lose his phone. When you punish a child its better not to make it a punishment for you too

Benjispruce5 · 11/09/2021 12:18

This sounds like a normal sibling spat. Serious words to be had with DC2 and told that you expect him to apologise to his brother this weekend. End.

Mantlemoose · 11/09/2021 12:20

@PlanDeRaccordement

The one who punched did the wrong thing, of course, but he may have been driven to it by older sibling. Older teens have better regulation, quite easy to wind up a younger sibling to the point where they lash out and then get into trouble.

Nice piece of victim blaming there. Do you say that to women after their partner has punched them? That women being less violent than men have better regulation and so can easily wind up men?

They are in no way comparable and shame on you for attempting to do so.

It's two adolescents who aren't quite old enough to deal with their emotions sometimes. I used to nip my sister which was probably sorer than a whack in the back because she was an arsehole that wound me up as the little sister. Haven't nipped anyone for oh 40 years or so now.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 11/09/2021 12:20

@PlanDeRaccordement

The one who punched did the wrong thing, of course, but he may have been driven to it by older sibling. Older teens have better regulation, quite easy to wind up a younger sibling to the point where they lash out and then get into trouble.

Nice piece of victim blaming there. Do you say that to women after their partner has punched them? That women being less violent than men have better regulation and so can easily wind up men?

🤣 OMG do you have teenage siblings?! It's a world away from DV. Older ones know exactly which buttons to press and perfect a look of pure innocence when the younger one lashes out.

OP, speak to the younger one about impulse control. It's hard at that age especially when they're in a situation that's already degenerated. I'd still be offering up a good bollocking and a warning about sanctions if he does it again, but I honestly don't think it needs more than that.

SukonthaM · 11/09/2021 12:20

@DayDate

One punch as he walked past?

I'd make a fuss of DS1 "to make him feel better" and make DS2 apologise.

I don't think there's any more drama than that needed, it will just build resentment between the boys. No doubt in DS2's mind his brother deserved it and maybe he didnif she started whatever caused the gaming ban.

My DC are adults now BTW and didn't turn out to be thugs.

This. I feel like I’m going wrong somewhere with my kids reading these replies. I break up at least 3 fights a day 🙄
GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 12:22

I feel like I’m going wrong somewhere with my kids reading these replies. I break up at least 3 fights a day 🙄
Something certainly is going wrong.

icedcoffees · 11/09/2021 12:23

It's not ideal, but with kids of that age, I wouldn't intervene too much I don't think.

DS2 should have a consequence in place for his behaviour but I don't think he needs to be grounded. I would take the game with you when you go out (or even the console itself so they can't fight over it while you're gone) and then I would maybe ban DS2 from it for a while.

I think that's the most natural consequence - if you fight over the console, you don't get to play on the console.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 11/09/2021 12:25

If you drag this out it will turn in to some kind of feud. I'd do the telling off with a warning if it happens again then x y z
Me and my brother fought like cat and dog but we are best of friends now .
Unless there is some massive back story just let this one go

notacooldad · 11/09/2021 12:25

Totally agree regarding parents intervening leading to greater resentment. They’re teenagers they’ll work it out on their own
Absolutely this.

Branleuse · 11/09/2021 12:27

13 year old boys are commonly and frequently arseholes tbh, especially when playing video games.
It is important to tackle it but not overreact either to occasional incidents

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 11/09/2021 12:30

I think there's a lot of posters commenting who didn't grow up with siblings and/or don't really understand the dynamic between their own DCs. It's not the same as the relationship between male and female partners. It's not the same as the dynamic between friends.

Apologies are non-negotiables in our house and then you have to do something to 'make it better' but I agree with the posters saying overt parental involvement without knowing the facts usually makes these situations worse.

DS2 has to go out because you can't change your plans. Tonight, he can apologise. Then an extra chore or loss of a phone or whatever electronic he does use.

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/09/2021 12:35

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

I think there's a lot of posters commenting who didn't grow up with siblings and/or don't really understand the dynamic between their own DCs. It's not the same as the relationship between male and female partners. It's not the same as the dynamic between friends.

Apologies are non-negotiables in our house and then you have to do something to 'make it better' but I agree with the posters saying overt parental involvement without knowing the facts usually makes these situations worse.

DS2 has to go out because you can't change your plans. Tonight, he can apologise. Then an extra chore or loss of a phone or whatever electronic he does use.

It’s not the same as between partners, but sibling abuse is a real type of domestic abuse and should be treated seriously. I am the eldest of 7, so I have lots of sibling experience. There is no excuse for physical violence between ANY family members. It’s not excusable if they’re sibling/sibling and yet inexcusable if partner/partner or parent/child.
Bollindger · 11/09/2021 12:37

Could you text DC2 and ask why the punch?
I always thought DC2 picked on DC1.
Now years later it came out just how nasty DC1 had been to DC2.
At one point DC2 bit DC1, it turned out DC2 had been under a blanket and couldn't breath and DC1 wouldn't get off DC2.
Also all the nasty things stopped happening when DC1 went to uni.
Always give the child a chance to tell you why, and via text is easier for them. It could have been a comment from DC1 that set the sibling off.

DayDate · 11/09/2021 12:42

If you're seriously worried about sibling abuse (which from the evidence here there's no reason why you should) you should be just as concerned about the emotional "teasing" that lead to the "attack".

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 11/09/2021 12:44

If the three can't be trusted to play together without fighting, then surely the aggressor (DS2) in this case, won't be allowed to be included in the play the next time.

Isn't that enough?

Strawbsaturno · 11/09/2021 12:45

Was this game FIFA? If so it’s well known for causing outbursts and frustration and ‘rages’. Personally I hate how it makes my DS’.
My DS’ now 17 & 16 regularly got banned from playing it for short periods as I couldn’t put up with the outbursts caused by it.
Punching …. I would say how hard, and with how much force? A proper full on punch i would go ballistic at the time at DS2 and be sitting them bityh down, apologies, lecture from me etc etc, a bit of a smack as he walked out a lesser telling off / warning and a chore to make up for it.

Bollindger · 11/09/2021 12:48

People don't punch for no reason,
If they were happy playing and then the punch, something happened,
there will be a reason, even if it's not a good one,