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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 11/09/2021 07:56

He does sound a twat but he’s their father and that will never change so you need to change your mindset or spend the rest of your life stewing on it all.

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 11/09/2021 07:59

It's nice that he wants to splash some of the money on the kids and maybe make up for past failings, the kids might feel like they can't be too excited if you're not keen but I'm sure they'd enjoy it

RedHelenB · 11/09/2021 08:01

I would be clear that if they have to isolate it will be with him.And point out he needs to sort ds2s passport. And after that I'd let whichever children want to go, go with him.

vegas888 · 11/09/2021 08:04

@CassandraTrotter

If one wants to go, he takes one.

If the other doesn't, the other stays.

You’ve said you don’t want to lose the entire two weeks with them yet he only sees them once a week. I think if your children want to go you should allow it. It would be a lovely experience for them too.
Inertia · 11/09/2021 08:05

I can understand how you feel. It’s enormously unfair that a NRP can swan in and out of the children’s lives, dropping contact if a better offer comes along, failing to pay a penny for their upkeep, and then treat them as accessories when money and a fun opportunity land in his lap. It also unfair that you do the daily grind of parenting and he gets the glory of holidays. Covid restrictions would worry me too.

However, he’s their dad, and at that age the children should get a say if they want to go on the holiday with him. I would make it crystal clear that he needs to organise and provide everything- passports, clothes, any vaccine or testing requirements. He will also need to be responsible for any isolation required.

AuntieMarys · 11/09/2021 08:06

You sound unhinged.

RantyAunty · 11/09/2021 08:07

YABU
Let whichever one or both go and take your bitterness out of it. I would encourage them both to go. The oldest one can see if he can do the school work ahead of time so he won't be behind.

I guarantee they've overheard you moaning about him and pick up the cues from you on your thoughts about him.

Get them both sorted with their travel documents, vaccines, whatever they need to go and tell them to have a good time.

Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 08:08

@MrsBede

Why do people say things like it's a nice place when I've clearly said it's not that nice, there's not a lot there. The friend of ex's has no kids. It'll be pretty dull and ds1 will struggle without ds1 there.
Your children may not find it dull and the weather may be better there than it is here, in October.

Honestly it is up to your children.

When I first read your initial post I thought the boys might be at boarding school in which case, school holidays are precious, but they are not, you have them with you most of the time.

You are so bitter. Is your life really bad, do you never have a good time?

I hope you've calmed down by now. What your ex is suggesting is not unreasonable and, at their ages, it is really children's decision whether or not they want to go abroad with him at half term.

Cameron2012 · 11/09/2021 08:09

There are so many women on here that have absent fathers who have nothing to do with their children.
Your children’s father wants to take them in holiday.
Give your head a wobble.

Guavaf1sh · 11/09/2021 08:11

You sound like awfully hard work OP

Kapalika · 11/09/2021 08:12

I think you’ve been treated terribly on this thread.

One week is adequate.
Your ex can deal with passports.
The only thing that really sticks out is your oldest saying he doesn’t want to go. I have 2 boys the same age and I know that he says no to a lot of things! This usually based on the fact he can’t be separated from his PC!

Although his dad and I are together, it really doesn’t mean we’re happy.
Possibly he gets that you don’t particularly feel happy about this and is very loyal to you.
Or loves his PC more than a holiday.
Or he can’t be arsed.
Or all 3 things rolled into one!

This is what I would do:
1 week for both boys and your ex husband deals with expired passports. I would tell your 14 year old he has to go. It sounds like there are family there. Bite your to tongue and go with revised holiday terms. But that’s coming from a complete randomer in S Londoner x

dottiedodah · 11/09/2021 08:13

I think some of these replies are a little harsh tbh. He's not been bothered with taking them before,getting a proper job and stepping up. Now you are supposed to be thrilled that he is spending some inheritance taking them somewhere he likes going ffs! Whether you can stop him though I'm not sure .can they both go for a week maybe. He sounds like a cf to me!

whatthejiggeries · 11/09/2021 08:14

You need to address your issues OP - undoubtedly you are projecting them into your kids. I have taken my kids out of school bed half terms as have most of the people I know. I have never had to help them catch up on their a school work after. One week isn't going to make any difference. Plenty of people have been on holiday recently - it's no more risky than staying here. I'm sure you can survive without them for two weeks whilst they have an amazing holiday with the father. Maybe think about them rather than yourself!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/09/2021 08:16

@dottiedodah

I think some of these replies are a little harsh tbh. He's not been bothered with taking them before,getting a proper job and stepping up. Now you are supposed to be thrilled that he is spending some inheritance taking them somewhere he likes going ffs! Whether you can stop him though I'm not sure .can they both go for a week maybe. He sounds like a cf to me!
I don't think OP should be thrilled but it should be about what the kids want to do, not what she wants.
cjpark · 11/09/2021 08:17

Be the better parent OP. You have 11 weeks annual leave. Unless the ex is also a teacher he will have a max of 5 weeks. You have 6 weeks with the DC to 'reconnect', he has 5 as it is.
Let the DC that want to go, go. He can deal with passports, packing and telling school. You choose your 6 weeks of reconnect time and he can have the other 3.

ivykaty44 · 11/09/2021 08:17

at the age the children are they can choose whether they go away with dad

Your feelings need to be put to one side for the sake of your children, this isn't about you, but your children relationship with their father. If you want to impart your feelings onto your children then you'll have to look at your self and decide whether this will bite you on the bum form the two you love in years to come

ivykaty44 · 11/09/2021 08:18

I don't think OP should be thrilled but it should be about what the kids want to do, not what she wants

this^

vivainsomnia · 11/09/2021 08:18

OP, the days of ci trolling everything are running out. Soon, you'll have no say and your kids will start making their own decisions affecting their lives. They could already decide to move with him if that's what they wanted.

Don't be that mum. Your decision clearly cone from bitterness. I get it, I really do, but to be the best mum to your kids, you have to accept that their dad will gain from it. Yes he took the easy road to parenting whilst you got the hard deal but you don't get rewarded for this by controlling your kids to prevent him from enjoying good times with them.

Let at least the youngest one go. If they don't enjoy themselves, they can resent their dad for it and be happy to come back to you. If they do enjoy it, then be happy that they are happy.

Summersnake · 11/09/2021 08:19

At 12 and 14 it’s up to them to decide..if one wants to go and one doesn’t,that’s fine ,they are not joined at the hip .

vegas888 · 11/09/2021 08:21

@Cameron2012

There are so many women on here that have absent fathers who have nothing to do with their children. Your children’s father wants to take them in holiday. Give your head a wobble.
That’s so unbelievably true. My sons father has been absent most of his life and it’s affected my son hugely (provably seem him no more than 90 days in 17 years). My son has told me so many times how he wished he had a dad like other people do. One to take him fishing, to football, to play silly play station games with, go for a pint with etc. You’ve just had 6-7 weeks summer holiday with your children, why begrudge them the opportunity to spend some time away with their dad.
rookiemere · 11/09/2021 08:26

I think people are giving you a really hard time over this OP.

If we weren't in the current situation regarding foreign travel, it would be a different discussion, but two weeks abroad with the risk of having to isolate and miss a lot of school,with a DP who has never taken them abroad before - well I'm definitely on your side.

Also passports are taking a long time - he may not be able to to get one in time ( his issue obviously).

He'll also need to add the costs of testing before going and do all the necessary paperwork and organisation - of which there is a lot.

We're planning to go abroad in October because we had already booked it when things were looking better than they are now. I have decent travel insurance and DSs school does online teaching if we get stuck, but it's not an easy decision and many things could go wrong. Booking an unnecessary trip now seems silly - if they must go, go for the first week only so if any issues then some time before they go back to school.

ViceLikeBlip · 11/09/2021 08:28

@Inertia

I can understand how you feel. It’s enormously unfair that a NRP can swan in and out of the children’s lives, dropping contact if a better offer comes along, failing to pay a penny for their upkeep, and then treat them as accessories when money and a fun opportunity land in his lap. It also unfair that you do the daily grind of parenting and he gets the glory of holidays. Covid restrictions would worry me too.

However, he’s their dad, and at that age the children should get a say if they want to go on the holiday with him. I would make it crystal clear that he needs to organise and provide everything- passports, clothes, any vaccine or testing requirements. He will also need to be responsible for any isolation required.

This. You've put it much better than me!
Original poster
MrsBede · 11/09/2021 08:30

Well, I'm grateful for all replies. Of course I especially appreciate those who can see my Pov, and Flowers Oceanbliss for picking out all the bits I've written that most others seem to be entirely ignoring.

To clear up a few points:

Sorry for the ds1/2 confusion - ds1 doesn't want to go and has a better bond with his dad overall due to cricket. I had a thread in the summer in which posters agreed with me that ex was an utter arse for spending time with ds1 at matches and not seeing ds2 or even messaging him at all for most of the summer.

I didn't mean to imply that as a teacher I am more busy/stressed than anyone else. i needed to say it because it explains why I'm off for the holiday. However, like many jobs I'm sure, it involves me working most evenings and I do feel family life is crap during term time. I had a thread last week about this and had lovey replies and I'm embarrassed I didn't return to thank people because I was busy Blush.

Ex does not work in the entertainment industry. He does a bit of online teaching (TEFL) and does gigs for beer money. I find it disgusting that he puts that before the dc time and again. They should be with him this week from Thurs but they aren't as he texted me on Tues asking me to keep them. When I asked them on Weds if he had messaged them he hadn't and I had to say 'dad has a gig' and I could see they were disappointed. It's just fucking rude. Why not message after I'd replied and say he hoped they'd had a good week back at school and sorry he couldn't see them etc etc. But nothing. The man is selfish through and through and does nothing unless it suits him. I'm pretty certain his mum pays for the rent on this local house and he lives with his sister the rest of the time rent-free.

I am coming across as angry and bitter on here but I'm not sure why people assume that's how I'm acting in real life. I'm venting but I never speak like this about him, though as I've said, he does. Yes, I have to accept that they may have picked up on things but I have NEVER said what I feel and have never stopped them seeing him. I have been accommodating throughout and have also tried to help when ds1 went through a stage of not wanting to see ex when he was about 10 as he found him too distant. He finds them easier now they're older and contact patterns have changed a bit to suit what the children prefer, yes, which is fine. Eg they never used to go there for more than 4 days or so in the holidays but ds1 prefers longer stretches but fewer of them, which I didn't want really but obviously was more than happy to go with what ds wanted.

Sorry to be 'no I'm not being UR actually,' but it's irritating when people put things like 'it'll be lovely for them' and other stuff that simply isn't true. And, yes, I am a bit bitter about the money. He was sahp before we split so no financial contribution and he made it very clear he would not be primary carer as he said himself that was actually me, despite the fact that I worked f/t. Ds2 was five when we split and tensions were rising as ex was on about doing further study rather than returning to work, though it was his infidelity that actually broke us - it took place in our house with ds2 behind a stairgate btw. Buying him out of the house was one thing, but handing him over £10k in a few years when he's just inherited about £250k will sting massively, yes. He has still not offered to buy school shoes/coats/music lessons/upped his CM contribution. But I know that's not to do with the holiday.

The poster who advised not replying to him until I'm calm was right and that is what I always do. I replied factually last night telling him ds1 doesn't want any risk of missing school and ds2 has no passport. He can decide what to do about that and at some point over the weekend I will chat with the dc and find out what they really both want and think. I understand that me wanting to spend some time with them may not be paramount, but I highly doubt either will want to be away for the whole holiday as it leaves no downtime/time for friends. But I'll see what they say, Then I may reply again but the problem is he is likely not to reply again. But I can cross that bridge when I come to it.

OP posts:
123sunshine · 11/09/2021 08:31

You sound very controlling. It’s a lovely opportunity for your kids to go on holiday and see another country. They are not little children anymore. Don’t project your feelings on to your children. Tell them it sounds like a lovely opportunity to spend some quality time with their dad and send them with your blessing. Stop raking over the past and his failings in your eyes and let them have the opportunity to go away and bond and have a good time.

littlefireseverywhere · 11/09/2021 08:32

Ex DH sounds a prize tool. However you’re not acting rationally about this holiday, October half term isn’t likely to be busy school wise and can catch up when they return. Let EX DH sort passport, but don’t be the bad guy in this .