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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:

rookiemere · 11/09/2021 08:34

Thanks for the update @MrsBede .

Let me predict what will happen. Your communication will have started him thinking about possible isolation and having to organise tests. He will decide it is easier to go on his own and blame you saying you vetoed the holiday.

maddening · 11/09/2021 08:34

Is the country they would go to anywhere near being red listed?

Yabu, though if it weren't for the covid issue. Covid aside if they want to go I don't see why you would stop them and if you need to defend your share of time.with them perhaps you could get to select a larger holiday chunk another time, eg Easter.

Original poster

MrsBede · 11/09/2021 08:34

unless the ex is also a teacher he will have a max of 5 weeks.

He has loads of weeks as he does fuck all and could fit what he does do around the dc but often chooses not to!

OP posts:

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 11/09/2021 08:39

I am coming across as angry and bitter on here but I'm not sure why people assume that's how I'm acting in real life

You might think you're not but I'd put money on the fact that you are. Yes you may think your ex is a dick but it's you who is essentially saying no to a holiday for your children based on selfish grounds.

callmeadoctor · 11/09/2021 08:39

"no I'm not being UR actually,'" ................................................................................. from the OP. Guess this thread is over then..................................

NashvilleQueen · 11/09/2021 08:41

Would it be easier if we all just agreed with you and have done with it? I mean nothing anyone has said is making any difference.

Your feelings towards you ex need to be secondary in this however the fact that one of the children doesn't want to go is much more of an issue and it's for your ex to talk to him about it and the three of them to reach a decision about how to spend their holiday time.

ViceLikeBlip · 11/09/2021 08:43

[quote RussianSpy101]@ViceLikeBlip but we’re supposed to be “angry” at a parent for wanting 2 weeks holiday with his kids? Double standards much?![/quote]
I don't think many people would be angry with a dad wanting to spend time with his kids. I think most people would be pissed off if he was refusing to compromise. I would also expect him to be a bit accommodating seeing as he's sprung this holiday on the OP with only a few weeks notice.

Hellotoallmyfans · 11/09/2021 08:44

He does sound horrible OP and I don't blame you for hating him but I still think you need to let it go with regards to the holiday. Let the dcs decide what they want to do and be ok with it, even if you are pretending.

I suspect when you tell him he will have to sort out everything to do with the holiday (passports, covid testing, possible quarantine etc) he will back-pedal massively anyway. It sounds like he is ok with letting them down on a regular basis anyway.

monkeysox · 11/09/2021 08:46

You would get two weeks alone. To please yourself.
Yabu. Let the kids go if they want to. Talk to them.

vivainsomnia · 11/09/2021 08:47

I can relate as my ex was very much how to describe yours. My life got much better when the kids were a but younger than yours and I told everyone they were now old enough for communication to be between them and only involve me for essential things.

This was the best decision as it took .ost of the frustration away but also taught the kids to deal with their unreliable dad and see him for who he is for themselves.

Stop communicating with him. He can contact them himself, fi do out who wants to go and who doesn't and work out the logistics with them. Stay out of it.

icedcoffees · 11/09/2021 08:50

He sounds like a crap dad but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't be allowed to take them on holiday if they want to go.

Your sons are teenagers - surely it's upto them if they want to go on holiday with their dad or not?

CMZ2018 · 11/09/2021 08:51

Stop being selfish

user1493494961 · 11/09/2021 08:51

What's the betting that in a couple of years your kids will be wanting to live with their Dad.

Hellotoallmyfans · 11/09/2021 08:52

Stop communicating with him. He can contact them himself, fi do out who wants to go and who doesn't and work out the logistics with them. Stay out of it.

Yes I agree with this too. Back off OP, you don't need to be so involved now they're older. Let him deal with them directly about when he sees them etc. If he isn't going to see them bc he has a gig, he should tell them directly. Why does it need to go through you at this stage?

It sounds like it would do you good to cut contact with this man. Your dcs will know who is the one who's there for them and who is the unreliable one. Anything holiday related he can sort himself and give them the details to pass on to you.

HambletonSquare · 11/09/2021 08:52

A court arrangement might be your only resolution if between you and their DF, you can't agree arrangements for taking children out of the country.

Having been just where you are, it is an expensive fight - we ended up not going down that route as it would have been a waste of my money. A court would see no reason why the DC's can't go abroad with their DF, unless there are major safeguarding reasons.

I would say 'pick your battles'. If you refuse to let the DC's go abroad remember their DF can refuse for you to take them abroad too. That has long lasting implications for your holidays and for the experiences that your children will have. My EXH would refuse to return their passports...

My EXH took the DC's to Disney in Florida for a two week Easter break, missing schooling to fit with flight times prior and after to deal with the jet lag.
After the holiday, he wanted to drop DC's back at home, straight from the middle of the night flight! Great - leave me with our jet lagged kids ( when I wasn't and was also at work teaching full time too).
I made him keep them and deal with the jet lag.

I really have been there and could write a book. I feel for you, it used to eat away at me. I was told by my barrister that I had to grow up and behave like an adult - and I knew that...but what I really wanted to do was stamp my feet and say back to her "but I don't want to be an adult, I don't want to share"! 😊

blissfulllife · 11/09/2021 08:54

My ex took mine away abroad a few times. I found it hard at the time as he's there booking Disneyland while avoiding maintenance or school uniforms. But that was between us and I never let my kids see my frustration. I saw it as lovely memories with their dad and the opportunity to see the world when I wasn't in a position to give them that. Honestly they lived on junk food and came home a bit scruffy, but they had the best time. And now they are adults they treasure those memories. Along with the cheap uk holiday park holidays we had where they lived on chips and crab fished till their hearts content. Don't let your bitterness ruin that for them. It's a couple of weeks. I'd be encouraging them to go. You could ask for more time with them over the Christmas break maybe.

YourFinestPantaloons · 11/09/2021 08:56

YABVU to deprive your kids of a holiday just because you're jealous

YourFinestPantaloons · 11/09/2021 08:57

I've clearly said ds1 doesn't want to go

This seems to be an unpopular stance these days but it's absolutely fine to make a decision on behalf of your children that they don't agree with, if it's not hard best/will be beneficial for them. You are their parent, not their mate

CassandraTrotter · 11/09/2021 08:58

I really dont understand the replies on here. All it tells me is so many women on here have such low standards for men when it comes to parenting that a man who does very little, pays very little and had to be taken to court for that tiny amount, routinely cancels on his children, is clearly selfish and doesn't even provide the children with clothing, is amazing for taking the children on one holiday. Im honestly sad for you all.

And why so much overuse of the word bitter? Every few posts. Bitter bitter bitter everywhere. If you cannot think for yourself at all, why bother posting?

Op has experience of the father. She knows he does not act in the best interests of the children. She knows he will not actually do any of the grunt work for the holiday and he will assume it will fall to her. Why do you people calling her bitter think that this man is behaving in the best interests of his children? Is that all that makes a good father? Someone who occasionally does something? Good parenting requires consistency.

But op, don't take on the stress of it. He is apparently amazing for taking his own children on holiday. Im sure such a capable and amazing father can actually plan and deliver all that this holiday entails. You've told him one doesn't have a passport. You've told him if there are isolation requirements he will need to facilitate it. You dont need to do anymore.

My concern would be ds2 not having a passport being used as an excuse to not take him, given how his attitude towards ds2 has been previously.

HambletonSquare · 11/09/2021 08:58

@MrsBede

Apologies, my post was long winded..in answer to your original question - 'not to allow the ex to take DC's on this holiday' - you don't get to allow or not, he is their dad and can make that decision.

It will get easier, as the DC's will be making their own decisions.

SuperstoreFan · 11/09/2021 08:58

You're coming across as very bitter OP and if you don't change it could affect the relationship with your children.

Greenmarmalade · 11/09/2021 08:59

I understand you OP. I’d also be annoyed and wouldn’t want to miss out on holiday time with them. Could you go and pick them up after a week? Go yourself and take a little break with a friend?

Sorry if repeating pp, haven’t rtft.

CassandraTrotter · 11/09/2021 09:00

@user1493494961

What's the betting that in a couple of years your kids will be wanting to live with their Dad.

From the op’s posts about how he behaves towards his children, what led you to say that gem?

HambletonSquare · 11/09/2021 09:03

don't take on the stress of it. He is apparently amazing for taking his own children on holiday. Im sure such a capable and amazing father can actually plan and deliver all that this holiday entails. You've told him one doesn't have a passport. You've told him if there are isolation requirements he will need to facilitate it. You dont need to do anymore

I didn't think my ExH or this man is amazing for the holiday, just that he is entitled to do it. I agree fully, butt out, he needs to do all of the planning, the passport, the buying of holiday clothes. He must take responsibility, not just have the nice times.

My ex never had the children Christmas Eve for instance, because even though he could and it often fell in 'his time'...it was just too much bloody hard work! He was far too selfish for that.

Tuba437 · 11/09/2021 09:05

Personally I think you are bitter and jealous about the money. That's fine if you are but don't make the kids miss out on a good time because of it.

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