Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

[MrsBede]

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

Also what Crunchymum has said.

Not unreasonable, sorry, you are being a bit. It's a one off, he wants to go away abroad, and the kids are old enough that safety isn't really the issue. Your child said no according to you, so the issue is done with. Otherwise as a one off I think you are being unreasonable that he wants to treat his kids.

And it's also pretty obvious your issue is him, more than anything else........

You sound angry & bitter.
The fact that he hasn’t struggled enough for your liking is clouding your judgement. Whether he has been able to in the past is irrelevant. All this waffle about reconnecting is ridiculous. They live with you and as a teacher you get plenty of holidays. Get over it and let him reconnect for a bit instead.

I also don’t doubt that it is you trying to put your children off, with thoughts of isolating, because you don’t want them to go. Stop being selfish and let your kids decide. Encourage them rather than stropping & sowing seeds of doubt.

This makes me so sad for you DSs

Being dragged into your bitterness about past disagreements and money. It’s nothing to do with them, and by god teen boys need a father. That will become very apparent to you very very soon.

You don’t own them. However much of the parenting you perceive that you have done in your internal tally of ‘who’s best’ you still don’t have any right to dictate whether someone sees their own parent. It’s absolutely grotesque and if you were putting your dc first and not your own gripes you’d be EXCITED that they were being treated to a rare holiday with their dad.

I am a SP with plenty to moan about with my ex. btw.

You are coming across very badly OP and probably need to take a deep breath, read through all the replies, and try to see things from a perspective other than your own. Stop kidding yourself that you're fighting your kids corner, you are broadcasting your own feelings.

It is understandable that you are bitter and angry given the background but you must stop weaponising your DC in this continuous war against your ex. I'm sure you will argue that isn't what you are doing but it is and it's unfair and damaging.

I completely understand how you feel as I have been in a similar situation and I also don't think kids should miss school for anything other than illness - I have school mum friends who would disagree but that's cool, we're all entitled to different opinions.

Having said that, I think you need to push the bitterness aside and encourage your kids to go. I don't know what the self isolation rues are but can you have a reasonable conversation with your Ex to see if he'd take them for a shorter period?

I know it's hard and you'll miss them but you have to put a brave face on and let them go. Does your son have a good relationship with his Dad? I just wonder if he's refusing to go for any other reason.

There are so many of us Mum's who've lost out financially following a split and there is so much unfairness but, you have to push that aside and put your kids' first. You can FaceTime them and also take fine out for you. It's hard but you have to learn to relax into it. I do sympathise OP.

As a single parent and rp to dd with a completely feckless ex who like yours picks and chooses when he can be arsed with having dd and does zero overnights and was too busy getting pissed yesterday to even bother to ask how dd got on at the hospital. I do fully understand the reasons why you feel the way you do.

However, YABU. You get ample time the rest of the year to reconnect, as an ex teacher I do know the stresses of your job, however I work as a project manager in the private sector with far less holiday and far more stress in both my job and home life with trying to arrange childcare for the school holidays. So I think your argument about reconnecting is both insulting to your ex and other parents and honestly invalid.

You need to take the charged emotion out of the situation.

Admit they can go IF they want to but he has to

• arrange and pay to renew ds2 passport
• arrange covid test etc to allow travel
• make arrangements for childcare should isolation be required upon return

You would not be unreasonable to suggest that as it is the first time abroad with him that they only go for 1 week. Ds1 is old enough to escort ds2 back on the plane without an adult, at 15 should be double jabbed by now so provided covid tests are negative shouldn't have to isolate depending on the destination obviously

I didn't know the rules about vaccination in Italy. It does sound as if there won't be much they will be allowed to do in that case. Maybe that needs a bit more research.

You are getting a hard time OP and Imnot surprised you resent him. He sounds like a deadbeat regarding child support.

At their ages they should decide for themselves. It's what the court would look to.

@badg3r

Let the kids decide. It sounds like they won't want to go anyway. And tell him that you will do what the kids want but he will need to renew passport and pay for everything including spending money for them, any extra clothes, suitcases etc they might need, and covid tests etc including when they are back.

This. And let him try and “sell” the whole idea to the children. I bet it does not actually happen.

"Contininuous war against your ex".

He's a twat who has been a piss poor parent for ages. The OP is the one doing all the work, she deserves a week with her dc's too.

Are 12 and 14 yr olds all double jabbed now?

If DS doesn't want to go that's his choice and his father needs to respect that. But your attitude is pretty shit to be honest and very "me me me."

I agree with the majority here…you’re not reasonable. He’s their dad, he can take them on holiday to stay with friends in Italy if he likes. If it’s a crappy holiday they won’t want to go again. Either way it’s a fortnight in Italy that they wouldn’t have had otherwise. I see no reason, certainly none that you’ve offered, to put the kybosh on it.
You’re allowing your dislike and bitterness to cloud your perspective.
I hope you can make peace with it.

All your anger has nothing to do with this holiday. Let them go

The problem here isnt that he wants to take them in the school holidays - it is that you are obviously filled with bitterness and resentment at him over the circumstances of your breakup and his subsequent behaviour still.

Haven't rtft and don't know the circumstances but honestly? Holding onto anger like that will ultimately only hurt you and your dc's (depending on how much they feel this from you).

If the dcs want to go let them go. Does dc1 honestly not want to go or does he know you'll be upset?

Suck it up and send them off with a smile - as hard as it may be.

Your ex may well be a selfish arsehole who hasn't stepped up fully to the plate and that's shit but honestly what comes across in your post is how angry and pissed off you are that your ex has a) inherited some money and b) wants to take your kids on a holiday (which is perfectly reasonable)

If your ds really dont want to go, that's up to them but make sure it's for the right reasons.

You sound very bitter. What is there to be furious about. He wants to take his kids on holiday. Surely that's positive. If they want to go let them

@megletthesecond

"Contininuous war against your ex".

He's a twat who has been a piss poor parent for ages. The OP is the one doing all the work, she deserves a week with her dc's too.

From the way she's described things, every week of their lives except for this one specific two-week period is a week she has with them. And for those two weeks, she won't be doing all the work. Or any of it, really.

@ViceLikeBlip

So he expects you to do all the boring, stressful day-to-day admin and care for the kids, he dips in and out of this as suits him, and then he wants the kids to himself for the whole 2 week half term? I would absolutely not be OK with that.

They're lucky to have two weeks holiday- going abroad with him for one week would be a perfectly good compromise.

I don't know airline rules these days- if he's absolutely determined to have a two week holiday himself, would he be able to put the kids on a flight after one week, and you could meet them the other side?

Ps I also find it really sad how many mums on here literally can't get their head around someone being upset about missing out on quality downtime with their own kids.

When you're divorced you have to get used to missing out on quality down time with your kids. I am divorced. Sometimes DS goes away with his dad. We alternate Christmas every year. That's life that you have to accept when you split up.

Are 12 and 14 yr olds all double jabbed now?

No. There are no plans to vaccinate children atm.

If you’re a teacher, you get at least 13 weeks holiday a year. Why are you so angry and bitter about their dad taking them on holiday for 2 weeks.
The traffic light system is being reviewed in October 1st so if DS1 may be able to stop worrying about isolating and be able to enjoy a holiday with his dad.

You sound very bitter.

You’ve just had six weeks off with them, and prior to that you must have spent an enormous amount of time together during various lockdowns. I don’t get why you need October half term ‘to reconnect’ with two teens

Surely you could use the time to chill out and recharge your own batteries.

@ViceLikeBlip but we’re supposed to be “angry” at a parent for wanting 2 weeks holiday with his kids? Double standards much?!

Are you in England?

There’s more chance your children will catch Covid and need to isolate by going to school, or spending their holidays in their own country. You’re a teacher, you should know this.

Going to Italy is actually a safer option - they have measures, mask mandates, lower rates - I don’t see why you’d want them in the UK actually. It’s more risky than sending them to Italy.

That said, I’m also very interested in your ex’s job - it sounds like he works in the entertainment or performing arts industries in which case, you sound incredibly judgmental of his job. Do you also tell your children that he has no ‘proper’ job? Are freelance jobs not proper, would you say the same if your children chose one of those jobs?