Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 19 20

Original poster

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:

londonrach · 11/09/2021 07:08

One holiday...if your teenage children want to go I don't see the problem. You sound jealous.

Darbs76 · 11/09/2021 07:09

Also complaining you had to pay him for the house. Surely that’s completely normal, you now own the house, sure he paid in to the mortgage too. Jealousy and bitterness is blasting through and you’re not putting the interests of your child first.

Sirzy · 11/09/2021 07:10

The children are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go.

It’s during school holidays so there is no reason to stop it from your POV.

Let them go and have fun if they want to.

Oceanbliss · 11/09/2021 07:17

Scottishskifun
...it still doesn't sound like it would be good enough for the OP because she doesn't want to let her ex take them abroad or have the holiday full stop!

@Scottishskifun I’d have to look back at all her posts but in the Op I don’t think she said that.

I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks In the Op MrsBede has not said that he can’t take them abroad she seems to have an issue with it being the whole 2 weeks, for a number of reasons. If they have an arrangement that they have half of the holidays each, then that is fair enough. I would say the same if it were the other way around too. What if a single dad said their ex wants to take the kids for the whole 2 weeks holiday overseas and he missed out on having them for his week? Would he cop this kind response?

The kind of vitriol directed at her, the nasty assumptions are not justified at all. It’s the kind of stuck up, nasty, misogynistic garbage that single mums have been copping for decades and it’s time it bloody stopped.

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 07:17

I agree with you. However, I don’t think the “men deserve the final say without having to take responsibility for the repercussions of their decisions” brigade will agree. And the “women have less value and should put up and shut up” brigade would disagree with you too. If you disagree or complain or get angry as a woman it must be because you’re bitter

@Oceanbliss you are just making things up.

Plenty of us deal with very similar men, to the ops ex. It's got nothing to do with men getting the final say or women having to put and shut up

I am in a similar position, with regards to my kids dad. I still think op is unreasonable .
Its not about 'what the man says' ots about the kids.

And I say this as someone whose ex and kids were in Italy in March 2020.
Ops kids aren't babies. I think a week should be fine, but op won't have that either.

Its got fuck all to do with the sex of the parents.

Sirzy · 11/09/2021 07:19

The OP has said a couple of times that a week in this country would be fine so it does seem that going abroad is part of her issue.

megletthesecond · 11/09/2021 07:19

Yanbu.
I agree with you. He can forget his Disney dad tricks. One week away would be enough.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 11/09/2021 07:21

It’s a shame you are not able to put the kids first OP

It’s all about you

drpet49 · 11/09/2021 07:21

** YABU. Your bitterness doesn’t belong here; you need to do what’s best for the children.

If they want to go, they go.**

^This. Get over it

Twinkie01 · 11/09/2021 07:21

Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die!!

Bayleaf25 · 11/09/2021 07:22

@NotMyselfWithoutCoffee
I don’t think 2 weeks is too long for kids (depending on where they are going/what they are doing). Depends on whether they actually want to go or not (not sure whether op has made their minds up for them).

Hopefully no isolation for under 18s from Italy in any case - unless they actually get COVID themselves (and to be honest they could get it just as easily in school here anyway 🤷‍♀️).

I think if the kids want to go there isn’t too much of a problem.

OverTheRubicon · 11/09/2021 07:23

@Winter121

I honestly can’t believe all these posters would want their children travelling without them in a pandemic for 2 weeks (the full school holidays) and risk isolation, after already losing out on their education. Especially as one child doesn’t want to go. The Nrp should be taking them a week as a good compromise and the op should be encouraging this one week holiday to both children if possible.

But they would be with a parent.
Even in the unlikely event the lists change, the children are teens, not in an exam year, and worst case can learn from home. Exposure itself doesn't lead to isolation any more
The child doesn't want to go because of isolation risk. It looks virtually guaranteed, given the OP's other posts, that she's using fear and guilt to push this.
Is op unaware that many other parents work full time, even with very young children, and rely on 4 weeks of leave plus public holidays and weekends to 'reconnect'?
He's their dad. Not a great one, by the sound of it, but he does a fair bit of care and does want to take them away on what sounds like a one off special trip. Parental bitterness shouldn't get in the way

ViceLikeBlip · 11/09/2021 07:23

So he expects you to do all the boring, stressful day-to-day admin and care for the kids, he dips in and out of this as suits him, and then he wants the kids to himself for the whole 2 week half term? I would absolutely not be OK with that.

They're lucky to have two weeks holiday- going abroad with him for one week would be a perfectly good compromise.

I don't know airline rules these days- if he's absolutely determined to have a two week holiday himself, would he be able to put the kids on a flight after one week, and you could meet them the other side?

Ps I also find it really sad how many mums on here literally can't get their head around someone being upset about missing out on quality downtime with their own kids.

toobusytothink · 11/09/2021 07:24

Wow you sound very jealous! You didn’t say ds doesn’t want to go … you said he doesn’t want to go IF he has to isolate on return. Not rtft but where is he proposing on taking them? In any event, I’m not sure you can prevent him? My understanding is that if it’s less than a month you can’t stop him. The holidays he has taken in the past with his mates is irrelevant. Don’t you want your kids to have a nice holiday? I love it when my ex takes my 2 away. He spoils them and they have an awesome time

Oh9autumn · 11/09/2021 07:25

Sounds delightful coparenting with you, why did you let the eldest read the text when you did? I’d imagine your reaction was the same as on here.
You honestly sound peeved about the divorce still and the fact you owe him £ still and he’s got an inheritance.

Sirzy · 11/09/2021 07:27

You can know you would be upset at missing out on the time with the children while at the same time realise it’s nice for them to get the chance to travel and spend time with the other parent. It’s about what is best for the children and sometimes you have to put your own feelings to one side.

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 07:27

In the Op MrsBede has not said that he can’t take them abroad she seems to have an issue with it being the whole 2 weeks, for a number of reasons. If they have an arrangement that they have half of the holidays each, then that is fair enough

Later she says she will only consider a week, in this country.

And actually, as someone with a dick head ex, I don't think changing the arrangement from time to time is a big deal. As the kids get older the OP may find the kids change that themselves.

Oriunda · 11/09/2021 07:28

If it’s Italy, then there is no quarantine involved. Compromise and say 10 days, to give your school-minded son a bit of time at home before he goes back.

October is a great time to visit. Weather is usually great. You say there’s nothing there, but most places will have culture of some sort (art, architecture), not be too far from the beach or lake/mountains, plus there’s the food! Italy is also much, much safer than here in terms of Covid. Masks are still the rule indoors, and only vaccinated people are allowed inside indoor restaurants and venues etc. Kids >12 either need to be vaccinated or have a Covid test no more than 48 hours beforehand.

Sirzy · 11/09/2021 07:28

Anyway as they need to passports renewing surely the first step to test his seriousness is to get together any documents he will need to renew them and pass them to him this weekend so he can get it done in time.

OverTheRubicon · 11/09/2021 07:29

Why would it be your fallout in the - very unlikely - event they had to isolate? He would be also, so they could be with him, or given their ages, they could be at home.

Given you are both his parents, why do you get to decide that you won't renew your son's passport until travel is 'risk free'?

I do have an ex who leaves things to me and is flaky, and do know how it grinds you down. But my own experience with my parents has also taught me how it feels when your mother may not say anything horrible, but drips with anger towards your father (mine, like your ex, was an adequate but uninvolved father but a very poor partner) - it's not healthy for the child nor for their future relationships.

You do have to learn to let go a bit, they're teens and he's a parent too.

Porcupineintherough · 11/09/2021 07:30

Yes YABU

Iwonder08 · 11/09/2021 07:30

Typical unreasonable difficult ex

Crunchymum · 11/09/2021 07:32

I actually agree with you @MrsBede and I'm surprised you've got such a pasting.

Lots of MN'ers on this thread have obviously never had to deal with a useless, uninvolved, irresponsible parent. Your Ex gets to do the holiday and and you are left to pick up the pieces (of which they may be none - the kids may well go and have a good time and not have any issues with quarantine / missing school). You are also left with all the day to day drudge work, it's hard to not feel slightly bitter.

In the interests of fairness I'd offer a week but he has to get the passport and if DS1 still doesn't want to go, he shouldn't be forced.

Oceanbliss · 11/09/2021 07:33

ViceLikeBlip

They're lucky to have two weeks holiday- going abroad with him for one week would be a perfectly good compromise.

Ps I also find it really sad how many mums on here literally can't get their head around someone being upset about missing out on quality downtime with their own kids.

This. And I also feel sad at how many mums have stuck the knife in too.

Bananarama21 · 11/09/2021 07:33

Your dc are reacting to you own behaviour. You don't come across very well for a teacher, you completely refuse to see this as something positive to take from the situation.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 19 20