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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
Walkingalot · 11/09/2021 10:43

Getyourarseofffthequattro - yeah I know that. Confused. I'm coming from the angle of the kids being away from home for 2 weeks and would there be enough to keep them amused. They are still children and sometimes the parent knows them best.
I doubt, given the short notice and during a pandemic, that a court would rule against OP, even if the ex wanted to go down this route.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 11/09/2021 10:45

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

That's literally what you just said. Shouldn't be able to go because he's not taken them before.
Literally what I said was: "If her ex were a responsible parent who regularly saw his children according to agreed timings, and had already taken them away on holiday looking after them successfully, then sure, the OP would be being unreasonable." I did not mention money, and only mentioned taking them abroad in the context of a pandemic.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 11/09/2021 10:45

@Walkingalot

Getyourarseofffthequattro - yeah I know that. Confused. I'm coming from the angle of the kids being away from home for 2 weeks and would there be enough to keep them amused. They are still children and sometimes the parent knows them best. I doubt, given the short notice and during a pandemic, that a court would rule against OP, even if the ex wanted to go down this route.
The parent? They are both parents.

I disagree. I think a court would rule against op because there is no reason for them not to go. Courts only rule against stuff like this for really good reasons. Personal opinion on travelling in a pandemic will not come into it. He's not proposing anything unsafe.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 11/09/2021 10:47

You literally said had already taken them in holiday and looked after them successfully.

He hasn't done that previously because he's only just got this money.

So you're basically saying he can't go because he's not gone before. Does that mean he can never go?

icedcoffees · 11/09/2021 10:52

Will DS have any holiday homework to do? That is also a Factor.

He can do his homework abroad, surely?

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 11/09/2021 10:54

@Getyourarseofffthequattro - it reads to me as if he is an irresponsible parent and I wouldn't trust him to take my children abroad, particularly during a pandemic, and particularly if he has frequently let them down when it was his allocated time to parent them. It is his parenting that I take issue with, not his finances.

CutePanda · 11/09/2021 10:55

[quote Walkingalot]@MrsBede - 2 weeks is a long time to be away from home. I know my DS12 would struggle with that and also, given that's it's not a holiday resort, what would there be to do? Do the kids understand that?
I'd say no to 2 weeks in normal circumstances unless it was a 'holiday of a lifetime' opportunity. But during Covid and all the consequences and uncertainty, just no.[/quote]
This is their father not a stranger!! I think OP is bitter that her ex now has money to spend on his DC. OP should let their DC go on holiday. It’s only 2 weeks. It seems like her eldest DS is worried about upsetting OP.

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 10:59

They are still children and sometimes the parent knows them best.
These children have two parents. They're not being sent off with some random they barely know.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 11/09/2021 10:59

[quote Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver]@Getyourarseofffthequattro - it reads to me as if he is an irresponsible parent and I wouldn't trust him to take my children abroad, particularly during a pandemic, and particularly if he has frequently let them down when it was his allocated time to parent them. It is his parenting that I take issue with, not his finances.[/quote]
It wouldn't be up to you, unfortunately. No matter what you thought of him. Unless he's actually a danger to his children you'd be unlikely to be able to stop it.

stayathomer · 11/09/2021 11:01

OP I'm sorry but this is the most pointless thread. You are arguing with everyone who is telling you that the children's dad is not being unreasonable to take his kids on holiday. The fact that you started by saying he asked (where most people on mn are in the awful position where they are told) says a lot. Of course he wants to go somewhere he knows and likes and actually it's as likely he's making up for the past. I don't know the man and I'm sure he's been a shit, because you're so bitter, but people deserve to get excited and plan something with their kids and go to town on planning it (2 weeks not 1)

mushroom3 · 11/09/2021 11:03

If it's an amber list country, as they are under 18 they won't need to self-isolate.

sloutside · 11/09/2021 11:03

Why can't there be a compromise here?
DS1 doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to risk missing school if he has to isolate on return.
Why can't they go for one week? Talk to the children and ask them if that would be a solution.
Then present it as an idea to ex. If he's not willing to compromise on that and come back after a week then they don't go.

I'd just let them go for the 2 weeks if it was me but as I'm not you and don't know any of the background and the details of your concerns/experiences with ex in the past then I'm not in a position to judge.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 11/09/2021 11:17

I think you need to deal with your resentment over the money he has just inherited. Can you go back through official channels and increase CM? Because there is a lot of anger underlying your posts and tbh him offering to take them away doesn't merit this much anger (on here or in RL).
You have a pattern with your ex and you are very much stuck in that dynamic. It means you're leaving no space at all for him to grow or change. Yy he might always be a selfish arse but, sometimes, people do grow up. You're determined he can't ever change and as long as you think that, he'll perform down to your expectations.
The practicalities of lack of passport and self-isolating on return, are valid.
The whining about it won't be fun? Really, grow up. Lots of DCs go to places that aren't signposted for kids. It's important for them to travel, to get out of the tourist traps and the 'family resorts' and to spend time with their DF. Your complaints about the location make you sound petty af.

Nc123 · 11/09/2021 11:19

I’ve voted YANBU because of possibly needing to isolate after and miss school - especially as a firebreak lockdown is being rumoured for around October half term.

If he was to change his plans and holiday in the UK I would vote YABU.

Your post reads as disproportionately angry and resentful of your ex - and I get it, he does sound like a twat. What I will say is that you seem more inclined to thwart his plans because he’s an arse rather than because of the kids. My mum felt much the same about my dad throughout my entire teenage years and it made my life extremely difficult. As you don’t have to live with your ex any more, try and dial down the rage if you can (I think my mum should have had counselling) or it will be hard for your children.

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 11:23

@mushroom3

If it's an amber list country, as they are under 18 they won't need to self-isolate.
Well it's Italy, apparently, so op is just being a complete dog in the manger. Possible isolating isn't even an issue 🤦‍♀️
PepeSilviaDoesNotExist · 11/09/2021 11:24

This thread is making me think of my parents.

My dad was flakey and fun and showed up every so often to whisk us away on holiday at half terms for 2 weeks. He favoured my sister as they both enjoyed football, rugby, cricket, golf etc. So he always was taking her away to do these things and leaving me and my other sibling out.

Much like you OP my mum was bitter about money as she paid him out a small fortune and had to get court ordered maintenance. I definitely picked up on the resentment even if my mum thought she was hiding it. Even now when we are adults my mum doesn’t hide her annoyance, when dad does nice things with us, as well as she thinks she does.

My mum hated us going away and missing out on school holidays but she always encouraged us to go. Looking back I appreciate this, as I know it will have hurt her but she put herself last.

Covid puts a new spin on it and 2 weeks in a place that isn’t suitable for teens would put me off sending them. If he was taking them somewhere they would all enjoy I couldn’t see an issue with them going.

If they do go let him sort passports etc. You shouldn’t be inconvenienced.

Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 11:30

@choli

For those saying the DCs would really love the trip, have they actually read the OPs posts? It's not a sight seeing holiday I suspect seeing their dad for 2 weeks trumps the sightseeing.
The place the ex is planning to take his children is not attractive to the op. It may be to the children, they could have a really good time with their dad and his friends.

However the op is more upset about things other than this proposed holiday - and it shows.

Loudestcat14 · 11/09/2021 11:30

@MrsBede

Why on earth would I be thrilled when he is taking the easy option as usual? He's never taken them before because he's gone just after the school holidays rather than saving/sacrificing/ working a 'proper' job so he could afford to take them. Now he finally wants to because money has dropped in his lap, but it's still the holiday that best suits him. Him taking ds2 alone for two weeks would be a fucking disaster. Though actually ds2 hasn't got a valid passport so that's highly unlikely to happen anyway.
You sound really bitter and jealous and nasty. If he's inherited money, presumably it's as the result of someone dying. It's hardly 'dropped in his lap'. What a foul comment to make.
GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 11:32

Covid puts a new spin on it and 2 weeks in a place that isn’t suitable for teens
Where can he actually be going that isn't "suitable" for teens, though?

cakewench · 11/09/2021 11:34

I'm going to start by saying every other aspect of life with (and without) him sounds rage inducing so I do deeply empathise there.

Unfortunately, when you present the situation in isolation ('XP has come into money and now wants to take our teenagers on holiday overseas for 2 weeks') it really doesn't sound unreasonable. He might be a rage inducing asshat but that proposal isn't insane or out of the norm; they're his children as well, and especially if they were keen to go, it sounds as if it would be a nice trip. Going by how it sounds he is with finances, maybe it's not a bad thing that he spend some of what he's got right now on them, because he won't have it for long.

I do get that you'd miss them if they were gone for 2 weeks but you've said yourself, it never happens, it's unlikely to happen again, so this one trip is unlikely to hurt in that regard. I'd personally book in a few activities for myself while they were gone, but I appreciate if that's not your thing.

Now I've said all that, I'd 100% leave him to sort out the passports for them if they're going anywhere. No need for you to be out of pocket and doing admin for his trip.

Re: covid and possibly having to isolate: I'd take that chance, myself. Tbh the government might not even be doing that anymore by October; they've already abandoned the traffic light system aside from red countries.

TL;DR I'd let the children go if they wanted to, and I'm sorry your ex is an asshat Flowers

liveforsummer · 11/09/2021 11:36

Covid puts a new spin on it and 2 weeks in a place that isn’t suitable for teens

It's Italy. Teenagers live there and enjoy themselves. There will be things to do! What is unsuitable about it? Not like he's proposing to take them to a war zone or a red light district 🙄

Embracelife · 11/09/2021 11:39

The 14cyear old can gave his own conversation with his dad. You really don't need to be involved ..if he says he will go say sure
Tge 12 year old is also old enough to choose and surely has his own phone?
They should be now making their arrangements with dad.
Step back.
I get it s annoying and frustrating but dad taking his dc to Italy for the half term is not something to fight. In zmy case if tge passport does not come through in time it s a moot point. Suggest dad doesthe passport renewal.
If they go and it s boring they will make their decision for next time
14 year old can say he needs time built in for school work. If no WiFi dad will have to drive him to a coffee shop with WiFi.
They will have to deal with dad their whole life...talk about key phrases like "I need..." they can use .

Embracelife · 11/09/2021 11:42

Any travel is worthwhile experience for teens. Even if they just go to some Italian village and wander to local cafe and picking up some basic Italian to buy bread

Annoyedanddissapointed · 11/09/2021 11:47

*It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends

Doesn’t sound like much of a holiday then.*

Non "touristy" places have often crapload to do... Holidays don't have to be dianeyland or all inclusive in Benidorm

icedcoffees · 11/09/2021 11:47

Covid puts a new spin on it and 2 weeks in a place that isn’t suitable for teens would put me off sending them. If he was taking them somewhere they would all enjoy I couldn’t see an issue with them going.

Why isn't Italy suitable for teens? It's not like he's taking them off to Iraq for a fortnight!

They also won't know if they'll enjoy it or not until they get there! I had loads of holidays in Tuscany growing up and I absolutely loved it. It's not at all unsuitable as a holiday destination.