Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

[MrsBede]

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

@TatianaBis

I’m not sure why all these posters are telling OP that she should send her kids abroad in a pandemic.

How many of the posters suggesting this took their kids abroad this summer?

Millions of people travelled abroad this summer!

Getting a number of covid tests, being on a plane with a number of people in close contacts, yes I'd say there is a risk of someone catching covid.I agree the risk is probably higher in school, but at least if you have to isolate at home, you know where you are going to be staying and most schools have some online offering, although I suppose this could be accessed abroad as well.

For those saying the DCs would really love the trip, have they actually read the OPs posts? It's not a sight seeing holiday, The DF is basically off to see his mates with his DSs in tow, don't think they'd miss much if they didn't go. And in my book 12 and 14 yr olds - particularly 12 yr olds - don't make big decisions on their own.

Lots of MN'ers on this thread have obviously never had to deal with a useless, uninvolved, irresponsible parent.

In this case, the ex doesn't seem to be one of those...she said that he has the kids eow Thurs-Mon and every Thurs inbetween. They're with their Dad 5 days every fortnight, or 36% of the time.

Can't you give him the two weeks and ask him to skip one of the EOWs before or after? That gives you back 4 days he owes you.

You don't get to choose where he takes his children, but surely there can be some compromise on how long?

@icedcoffees and millions of people didn't. Very few people in my circle went abroad this summer because of the risk of having to isolate abroad, the extra cost of testing and all the general faff surrounding the trip.

@Thefaceofboe

OP - AIBU?

Everyone - yes

OP - I’m not.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable, I completely understand her concerns. If her ex were a responsible parent who regularly saw his children according to agreed timings, and had already taken them away on holiday looking after them successfully, then sure, the OP would be being unreasonable. But in these particular circumstances, and travelling abroad during a pandemic? She's not being unreasonable at all.

So you think a parent should be punished for not previously having the financial means to take their children abroad @Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver? Wow.

For those saying the DCs would really love the trip, have they actually read the OPs posts? It's not a sight seeing holiday
I suspect seeing their dad for 2 weeks trumps the sightseeing.

@Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver

If the main reason why she didn’t want the children to go is because of the pandemic, then fair enough, but it’s not?

Why ask for opinions the not listen to them. at 12 and 14 it's about them not you and there dad.

TBH you clearly hate him think there would be a problem with anything

You do sound more than 'a bit narked' about the money, OP. Everything you're angry about is fair enough. But it's genuinely a good thing that your layabout ex has inherited & wants to treat his children, although so far it's in a way that suits him and not you. I'd struggle to see how an Italian travel experience with their dad wouldn't do your sons some favours, even if it wouldn't be your pick of location.

@choli I don't think there was anything stopping the DF from taking them for two weeks before though was there? I mean of course he might not have been able to afford to take them abroad, but he surely could have taken them somewhere in the UK, but chose not to.

He's hardly father of the year organising to visit his mates and bring the DCs along when they're at a reasonably self sufficient age. If he'd organised a trip they genuinely would want to go on - I mean what DP who unexpectedly comes into money wouldn't want to do something special for his DCs - then I'd be less on OPs side, but actually in current traveling circumstances it could still wait until next summer.

[quote rookiemere]@icedcoffees and millions of people didn't. Very few people in my circle went abroad this summer because of the risk of having to isolate abroad, the extra cost of testing and all the general faff surrounding the trip.[/quote]
I mean, that's fine, but it doesn't mean others didn't take that risk.

Rules around isolation for U18's have been greatly relaxed now, anyway. If their dad wants to take them and they want to go, they should be allowed - they're teenagers, not toddlers, and old enough to make that decision for themselves.

If they do need to isolate afterwards, they're old enough to stay home alone and do online schooling for 10 days.

I’d say yup sure take DS2. Then let him sort out the passports.

I would not lift a finger.

Then when he hasn’t organised a passport I’d say to DS2 his dad hadn’t sorted out the passport and you’d told him it would need to be done in September so you gave plenty of notice.

Would I he’ll cover for a lazy, useless shit father. That just leave you open to being blamed for his inadequacies.

@MrsBede - 2 weeks is a long time to be away from home. I know my DS12 would struggle with that and also, given that's it's not a holiday resort, what would there be to do? Do the kids understand that?
I'd say no to 2 weeks in normal circumstances unless it was a 'holiday of a lifetime' opportunity. But during Covid and all the consequences and uncertainty, just no.

[quote Walkingalot]@MrsBede - 2 weeks is a long time to be away from home. I know my DS12 would struggle with that and also, given that's it's not a holiday resort, what would there be to do? Do the kids understand that?
I'd say no to 2 weeks in normal circumstances unless it was a 'holiday of a lifetime' opportunity. But during Covid and all the consequences and uncertainty, just no.[/quote]
They'd be with their actual parent.

And @Walkingalot you can't just say no. You can get taken to court and 9 times out of 10 stuff like this is granted. And then you get to look forward to having to go to court every time you want to take your children abroad because your ex will likely retaliate. What a fabulous idea.

@TatianaBis

I’m not sure why all these posters are telling OP that she should send her kids abroad in a pandemic.

How many of the posters suggesting this took their kids abroad this summer?

I didn't because I couldn't afford all the tests and the isolation rules for dc meant if one person on the plane turned out to have covid everyone would have to isolate - neither is the case here.

I would reply that in principle that's fine, of course he can take them, but DS doesn't really want to go. Mention that DS2s passport needs renewing. Then let him respond.

Personally - I would give the children all the opportunities you can and he is their father.

I went on holiday with my dad after my parents broke up and for two weeks at a time. I think if I looked back and my mother had tried to stop me having these chances I would feel a little resentful.

@ScribblingPixie

You do sound more than 'a bit narked' about the money, OP. Everything you're angry about is fair enough. But it's genuinely a good thing that your layabout ex has inherited & wants to treat his children, although so far it's in a way that suits him and not you. I'd struggle to see how an Italian travel experience with their dad wouldn't do your sons some favours, even if it wouldn't be your pick of location.

According to OP elsewhere that “layabout” ex was a SAHD when the kids were little. He’s the one who took the career hit and did the tough stuff when they were little so maybe it’s not surprising that his earning capacity is limited.

I’m taking the details of this holiday with a pinch of salt. You never miss a chance to snark about him @MrsBede and I very much doubt that you don’t badmouth him to your kids.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

So you think a parent should be punished for not previously having the financial means to take their children abroad *@Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver*? Wow.

What on earth are you talking about, @Getyourarseofffthequattro?

[quote Walkingalot]@MrsBede - 2 weeks is a long time to be away from home. I know my DS12 would struggle with that and also, given that's it's not a holiday resort, what would there be to do? Do the kids understand that?
I'd say no to 2 weeks in normal circumstances unless it was a 'holiday of a lifetime' opportunity. But during Covid and all the consequences and uncertainty, just no.[/quote]
You honestly can't envisage what there would be to do outside of a commercial holiday resort in a developed EU country? Do you live in a holiday resort yourself? Are there things to do there? Would your 12 told really struggle outside of the home for 2 weeks despite being with a parent and potentially a sibling? If so that's something you'd do well to address.

That's literally what you just said. Shouldn't be able to go because he's not taken them before.

@callmeadoctor

"no I'm not being UR actually,'" ................................................................................. from the OP. Guess this thread is over then..................................

Firstly, OP, you need more info about the holiday. You say “obviously” it’s to stay with friends in Tuscany, but that sounds like an assumption. It may be something much more appealing to your boys. But the other issues might mean you should suggest it is deferred to next summer.

Secondly., point out he may not be able to get the passport renewed in time, As I believe there are significant backlogs. Agree he should be responsible for all arrangements including possible isolation.

Will DS have any holiday homework to do? That is also a Factor.