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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 11/09/2021 09:40

Wow. You sound very bitter and nasty tbh. How did your son know to say no before you had even spoken? Did he just see your reaction? Do you bad mouth your ex in front of them?!

Also, under 18s don’t need to isolate any more.

Abraxan · 11/09/2021 09:41

Will he be dealing with adjustment of being on holidays abroad, possible jet lag and going straight back to school?

It's Italy. It's about 2-3 hours flight with minimal to,e difference. There will be no jet lag!

Every child has the change from not being at school doing their own thing to going back to school - it's normal and not an issue, esp at those ages!

Most children who go on on holiday and then have to go straight back to school. It's really not an issue!

The potential for quarantine is a risk - this can be mitigated by keeping an eye on the 'likely to turn red' list in the gov web pages. And keeping an eye on the news.

We now know the dates of the announcements - every three weeks. And we now get 3 days notice normally - told in a Thursday and come into effect early hours of the Monday. So it's fairly easy to get back from Italy in that time.

Hundreds of children will be going on holiday abroad this October. For almost all it won't be an issue.

If Italy goes on the red list and he won't return in time then he then deals with the quarantine time. No ifs and buts, it's his choice not to return in time.

Re passport - does dad know it's about to run out; have you told him or has he asked? If he has PR I assume he can just sort it himself, though it's currently taking about 5 weeks (gov site says to allow 10 weeks currently though real time is about half that right now) so he'd need to be sorting it soon.

Abraxan · 11/09/2021 09:41

Could you ask him if he is willing to compromise - one week, the first week.

Kiduknot · 11/09/2021 09:42

But obviously he does all the organising. You leave that to him.

CatsArePeople · 11/09/2021 09:43

The one who wants - goes. The one who doesn't want stays. Seems fair enough, and actually a win-win. The younger shouldn't lose out because the older has entered the stage of "holiday with parents no longer cool".

gogohm · 11/09/2021 09:46

Sorry you come across as bitter, this has nothing to do with the kids going and everything to do with you being angry that he only does nice things with them. I would send them and spend the two weeks doing things just for you, build your own life, they will be grown soon and wanting to spend less time with you

Enko · 11/09/2021 09:49

Op ive voted yabu because I think you are about this one issue.

Having said that I read your cricket thread and I do understand this is hugely frustrating for you.

Just throw it back at him.

How will you manage ds2 not having a passport?
How will you manage if the children need to isolate? I will not be able to take time off work.
If you have this half term how do you suggest we even holidays up so I have them equally in holiday time?

All the problems are his to solve not yours.

I suspect he will change his tune once that gets started. However on the surface of it. He wants to take both away for a holiday this is not a bad thing. How he goes about it.
Bull in China shop. But I suspect you are used to that?

Hellotoallmyfans · 11/09/2021 09:49

Yes, problem with saying i=he will have to sort this and that is that if he doesn't I will have to and there'll be nothing at all I can do about that. I can't make him do anything

He can't make you do anything either though - just don't have any part in organising his time with your dcs. If he doesn't sort it he doesn't see them. You need to let go. If your worry is that if you don't organise things he just won't bother well surely that is a win for you as you'll get more time with them and he will look like a massive arse to his kids?

endofthelinefinally · 11/09/2021 09:51

My gut feeling is that he won't put the time and effort in to get everything organised. However, if he does sort it all out, it will be a pleasant surprise and he will have learned some responsibility.
You should just let him know the expiry dates of the passports and remind him to give you the insurance policy details/ telephone numbers.
Then leave him to plan and organise.

Danh22 · 11/09/2021 09:52

The OP sounds incredibly bitter and its the children that will suffer for that.

HambletonSquare · 11/09/2021 09:54

@Abraxan Will he be dealing with adjustment of being on holidays abroad, possible jet lag and going straight back to school?

I mentioned jet lag, sharing my experiences with the OP, in terms of nearly being dumped on by my EXH following a trip to Florida. It wasn't a misunderstanding about Italy but the comparison with isolation, knock on to children and OP's work after the holiday.

ittakes2 · 11/09/2021 09:55

Italy is not very far away - suggest they go for the first week and fly back themselves. If they are having a good time they can always extend it.

Lovemusic33 · 11/09/2021 09:57

Sounds like your jealous because you can’t afford to take them on holiday?

I think they are old enough to make their own choice and I would allow my dc to go with their dad (though he would never offer). I’m sure they will have an amazing time and make great memories with their dad.

CassandraTrotter · 11/09/2021 09:59

I think they are old enough to make their own choice
@Lovemusic33 One said he didnt want to go.

andweallsingalong · 11/09/2021 09:59

Lovely opportunity for your kids. In your shoes I'd be telling them they are going and that's the end of it after reassuring DS1 that it's highly unlikely he'd miss any school and if he did its fine as he could do the work at home and you/ex would make sure he got caught up.

Just thinking now if DH and DC went on holiday for the whole Oct break and I couldn't go, how would I feel. A little sad to miss out, but very excited for them and looking forward to some very rare alone time, then hearing their excited tales of their travels.

icedcoffees · 11/09/2021 10:00

@MrsBede

Yes, problem with saying i=he will have to sort this and that is that if he doesn't I will have to and there'll be nothing at all I can do about that. I can't make him do anything. And while I am a bit narked about the money, I can afford a two week holiday. I wouldn't do it in half-term though as it would prevent him from seeing them at all.
But that's your choice - you COULD take them for two weeks if you wanted to.

Don't make up random rules (for no logical reason) and expect your ex to stick to them. There's nothing wrong with two teenagers not seeing one of their parents for a fortnight. They won't implode.

My parents were together but I was at private school and had really long holidays. I often went away for two weeks with my mum at the start of summer, and two weeks with my dad at the end of summer to help brea up the time at home. It was fine and actually really good for my relationship with both of them to have space and quality time.

Those holidays are some of my best memories. Don't deprive your kids of that (if they want to go) because you're bitter.

GoingBacktoSchool123 · 11/09/2021 10:01

Where is he planning to take them. Assuming it's not a red list country kids don't have to quarantine so your son is worrying about nothing.

liveforsummer · 11/09/2021 10:04

@CassandraTrotter

I think they are old enough to make their own choice *@Lovemusic33* One said he didnt want to go.
Based on a slightly illogical fear. More likely to pick up covid on a holiday in the UK as OP is proposing then in Italy. Especially as the weather and opportunity for outdoor activities are far more likely to be good. As an under 18 a positive test is the only reason he'd need to isolate
icedcoffees · 11/09/2021 10:07

@CassandraTrotter

I think they are old enough to make their own choice *@Lovemusic33* One said he didnt want to go.
And if one doesn't want to go, he's free to stay at home.

But that doesn't mean the other son shouldn't be allowed to go if he wants.

CalamityJaneDoe · 11/09/2021 10:08

Haven’t RTFT but why will you have to give him 10k?

Thefaceofboe · 11/09/2021 10:09

OP - AIBU?

Everyone - yes

OP - I’m not.

Confused
ZenNudist · 11/09/2021 10:09

I thinkyou should be encouraging your dc to go. It will be a great experience for them. Proper time with their NRP. Meet his friends. Experience another culture. Especially at their ages you want to broaden their horizons, not narrow them to a week in the UK, which will be rubbish in October.

He's come into some money and is thinking of doing something nice for his dc. I get that your history is clouding your view but he's doing something nice here.

If one dc doesn't want to go and you can't get over your bitterness to persuade them to do it they can stay with you.

I'd take the risk of isolating for the sake of living life a little.

TatianaBis · 11/09/2021 10:11

I’m not sure why all these posters are telling OP that she should send her kids abroad in a pandemic.

How many of the posters suggesting this took their kids abroad this summer?

choli · 11/09/2021 10:12

Don’t you want your kids to have a nice holiday?
I think the answer to this is obvious.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 11/09/2021 10:12

I think that if you stand in the way of your dc’s relationship with their dad, they will resent you for it in the long run and possibly blame you for all his failings.