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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
sofakingcool · 11/09/2021 09:06

So what's the usual arrangement with regards to school holidays? Are they normally shared?
If you asked to have the entire time, would he agree?
It has to work both ways in my opinion. My ex has never had half holidays etc, but used to be difficult about us doing anything that meant a change to his EOW arrangement (fair enough), but for that reason I never felt it was reasonable for him to expect to DS for an entire holiday (so taking away my time with him too). Why should our holidays be restricted, but his not?

I agree with you with regards to the concern about the children having to isolate potentially when they get back, that could have a big impact on their education - esp your yr 10. For that reason I would def be discouraging being away for the whole holiday

YourFinestPantaloons · 11/09/2021 09:07

@LalalalalalaLand123

What comes across loud and clear is that this is not about a two-week holiday to Italy - there are a lot of issues, bitterness, anger, baggage, etc on your part underlying your response here. You cant make all that go away - but i really think you need to put them to one side and think of what's best for kids right now. What that is, is not for me to say, but youve got to stop letting your personal feelings towards this man determine your assessment of his involvement with the children that you both share.
I agree with this.

And I get it, OP. I have a useless flake of a Disney Dad exH and it drives me potty when the kids come back and talk about how amazing daddy is because they went to a theme park etc. whereas I am too busy actually parenting and ensuring they attend their activities/sports matches/parties and do their homework/catch up with family and family etc, spending my money feeding them, clothing them, buying the latest hockey stick etc to be pissing about in theme parks constantly. I do get it. But this is a holiday - there's no reason on their behalf not to send them. They would have a great time and sadly being a RP means sucking up the unfairness sometimes

gonnabeok · 11/09/2021 09:08

OP, all these posters saying they don't see a problem with it, I disagree. The children have 2 parents, you are entitled to see them for the half of the holidays too. If they don't want to go, Dont make them just like these posters won't want to be forced to go on holiday if they didn't want to either - the children have a voice and are old enough to use it.

There are risks going outside the UK. Offer him a week in the UK- no risks- if the children still want to go that is.

BridesmaidHelp · 11/09/2021 09:10

I honestly don’t think MN is a place now where you can ask questions about RL. Too many trolls

MrsMiddleMother · 11/09/2021 09:10

I would suggest a week only but more importantly, do the kids want to go? That's really all that matters.

CutePanda · 11/09/2021 09:11

YABU!! Let the DC go on holiday - it’s the half term! You have the DC most of the time so let them have some fun. Your DS is probably saying no because he gets the feeling you don’t want him to go and he feels bad. You sound incredibly bitter and your DC are worried about upsetting you. Let them go!

YourFinestPantaloons · 11/09/2021 09:12

@MrsMiddleMother

I would suggest a week only but more importantly, do the kids want to go? That's really all that matters.
At 12 and 14 I'd be making decision about things like holidays for my kids. Why do people think it's fine to let kids make the final decision on things like these? If I never made my kids do things they didn't want to they wouldn't be in school
Sirzy · 11/09/2021 09:14

Going to school is compulsory. Going on holiday isn’t.

In this case their is an easy alternative. If one child wants to go they can and the other can stay at home. If both want to go they can. If neither want to go they can both stay home.

Let both children talk to their father about the plan and then they can decide if they want to go or not.

icedcoffees · 11/09/2021 09:15

At 12 and 14 I'd be making decision about things like holidays for my kids. Why do people think it's fine to let kids make the final decision on things like these? If I never made my kids do things they didn't want to they wouldn't be in school

Deciding whether to go on holiday with their dad to Italy is hardly comparable to deciding whether to go to school Hmm

Soontobe60 · 11/09/2021 09:16

@MrsBede

Why on earth would I be thrilled when he is taking the easy option as usual? He's never taken them before because he's gone just after the school holidays rather than saving/sacrificing/ working a 'proper' job so he could afford to take them. Now he finally wants to because money has dropped in his lap, but it's still the holiday that best suits him. Him taking ds2 alone for two weeks would be a fucking disaster. Though actually ds2 hasn't got a valid passport so that's highly unlikely to happen anyway.
You sound jealous that he’s come into money, bitter that he can afford to take them away for 2 weeks and quite clearly angry that your children’s father wants to do something nice with his children. It’s not a good look I’m afraid. I can imagine that if that’s how you come across on here, you may also come across in a similar way to your boys. Unless there’s a legal reason as to why he isn’t allowed to have his children for 2 weeks, then you’re not ‘allowing’ him to do something that he’s already legally ‘allowed’ to do! The only thing he needs you to agree to is to take them out of the country - just as you’d need his permission to take them out of the country should you wish to.
Pinkyxx · 11/09/2021 09:18

I sincerely understand how you feel and agree with you.

It's soul destroying co-parenting with a waste of space who demands equal ''rights'' yet wants none of the responsibility.. someone who can't be bothered to make time for their children unless someone else clears the path and makes it easy / effort free for them. Someone who regularly upsets their children, and has made no effort to prioritize them. Someone who won't provide financially leaving that burden to the the other parent. All the while working full time... and dealing with communicating with what at times feels like a stroppy teenager (aka man child). while Father's have 'equal' rights they sure as shit don't have to take equal responsibility. Parenting isn't just the ''fun'' bits. Its' important you have time in the holidays to reconnect, it's the children's right to have that time with you. It is your business if they go, at the end of the day if they do have to isolate / miss school (and none of us can predict what rules may exist in the future) then you can be sure you'll be dealing with it.

A week is reasonable, if the DC want to go and they won't have to isolate. If they don't want to go then end of discussion, they don't go. They're old enough to choose so when you've calmed chat it through with them and see what they say. Sounds like one has already said no...

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 11/09/2021 09:18

@gonnabeok

OP, all these posters saying they don't see a problem with it, I disagree. The children have 2 parents, you are entitled to see them for the half of the holidays too. If they don't want to go, Dont make them just like these posters won't want to be forced to go on holiday if they didn't want to either - the children have a voice and are old enough to use it.

There are risks going outside the UK. Offer him a week in the UK- no risks- if the children still want to go that is.

It's not up to op to "offer" him anything unfortunately. He is equally their parent and has the same responsibility towards the children that she does.
endofthelinefinally · 11/09/2021 09:24

I have just returned from a "green" country.
It was an awful lot of admin to organise. 2 different travel insurance policies (needed separate covid cover), 5 pcr tests in total, passenger locator online forms, government website forms for destination country. Vaccination certificate.
I had to load 3 apps onto my phone, save everything online, and print out everything on paper.
I had to wear a mask at all times from arriving in the airport, on the plane, until I left the destination airport.
Doing all the admin was quite time consuming and it has to be absolutely correct.
I dont know if the requirements for Italy are similar, but he should look into it all now.

liveforsummer · 11/09/2021 09:25

Having been just where you are, it is an expensive fight - we ended up not going down that route as it would have been a waste of my money. A court would see no reason why the DC's can't go abroad with their DF, unless there are major safeguarding reasons.

This is realistic advice. My ex is only ordered 1/3 of the holidays but is allowed a 2 week stretch even if it overlaps the other parents normal contact (as am I) for holidays abroad once a year. My lawyer told me this was fairly standard.

endofthelinefinally · 11/09/2021 09:26

This wasn't Europe btw, so maybe Italy doesn't need all that.

Original poster
MrsBede · 11/09/2021 09:27

Yes, problem with saying i=he will have to sort this and that is that if he doesn't I will have to and there'll be nothing at all I can do about that. I can't make him do anything. And while I am a bit narked about the money, I can afford a two week holiday. I wouldn't do it in half-term though as it would prevent him from seeing them at all.

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 09:29

I think the same. There are things children and adults have to do but there are other things they can, or not, do depending on what they want. I certainly think the op's children are old enough to decide whether or not to go away with their dad at half term. A change is as good as a rest, so it is said. If they do go, the op can also please herself about what she does during that time.

At the moment it seems that one doesn't want to go because of the possibility of quarantine on return, the other may not want to go without his brother, therefore the situation may not arise.

Italy is currently on the amber list and here are the guidelines:
www.gov.uk/guidance/red-amber-and-green-list-rules-for-entering-england#amber-list-rules

JSL52 · 11/09/2021 09:30

@pangolina

I think if the kids want to go they should be allowed to go.
One of them doesn't.
CassandraTrotter · 11/09/2021 09:30

@MrsBede

Yes, problem with saying i=he will have to sort this and that is that if he doesn't I will have to and there'll be nothing at all I can do about that. I can't make him do anything. And while I am a bit narked about the money, I can afford a two week holiday. I wouldn't do it in half-term though as it would prevent him from seeing them at all.
If he doesnt do it, they dont go.

I dont see how that would come down to you?

YourFinestPantaloons · 11/09/2021 09:32

@icedcoffees

At 12 and 14 I'd be making decision about things like holidays for my kids. Why do people think it's fine to let kids make the final decision on things like these? If I never made my kids do things they didn't want to they wouldn't be in school

Deciding whether to go on holiday with their dad to Italy is hardly comparable to deciding whether to go to school Hmm

The point is it's completely bizarre to let a child unilaterally decide everything. Taking one DC and not the other? Utter madness!
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 11/09/2021 09:32

Why do you have to sort anything op? You don't. You're coming across and being excited for him to "fail" so you can martyr yourself and step on and save the day and probably ensure your kids know how shit dad is and how great you are. None of which is necessary at all.

Blossomtoes · 11/09/2021 09:34

@NotMyselfWithoutCoffee

2 weeks is too long for kids. Also what if they have to isolate for 10 days on return?
I bet two weeks hasn’t been too long when OP’s taken them on holiday. Just let them go, ffs.
Kiduknot · 11/09/2021 09:38

I think your feelings shouldn’t matter in this instance. They are old enough to make their own choices and you should support their choices.
Ds doesn’t want to go so don’t make him. If the other one does, the support that too.

liveforsummer · 11/09/2021 09:38

@MrsBede

Yes, problem with saying i=he will have to sort this and that is that if he doesn't I will have to and there'll be nothing at all I can do about that. I can't make him do anything. And while I am a bit narked about the money, I can afford a two week holiday. I wouldn't do it in half-term though as it would prevent him from seeing them at all.
Why do you think you'll have to sort? I certainly wouldn't be 'sorting' anything for my ex to take dc abroad (his girlfriend would do that or they'd just not go which surely is what you want anyway)
Sirzy · 11/09/2021 09:39

You make it clear to the children that if they want to go you will make sure their dad has everything he needs to sort passports etc.

You make it clear to him that it’s over to him to sort everything.

Then it’s surely win win for you. You either get the passport renewed and a couple of weeks to chill or you get them at home with you and the upper hand that you didn’t try to block it.