What do you think this father should do? Remain or relocate?

[Thenavyblue]

If a separated father can't afford a sufficient property in his children's home city which allows him to provide good enough shared care, which of these scenarios do you think is in the children's best interests?

1. The father stays in the city and rents a room in a flat share or at a push a small self contained studio flat, has the children over for tea during the week and the odd sleep over during which the children have to sleep on a blow up bed in the common area.

2. He relocates to a cheaper part of the UK where he can afford a house and give them their own bedroom(s) and space, is able to have them for extended periods over the holidays and provide a much better environment for them. The caveat being he sees them slightly less, so for example, staying over EOW as opposed to just going for tea at his place every week.

Additional information: father is a low earner, currently living in an expensive city where property prices are sky high.

@Porcupineintherough

So how is your child so autistic that they need you on call 24/7 going to work with long journeys to where dad lives eow? Who is going to accompany them. Who is going to pay for them?

I'm sorry your situation is so hard. And I'm sorry you are getting an unwarranted hard time on here. But I dont see how your ex moving away is going to improve your lot (unless you dont actually want him in your kids lives at all).

OP isn’t getting an unwarranted hard time - she absolutely deserves everything that’s been said. Nobody would have queried ‘why’ she didn’t work if she didn’t have unrealistic expectations of her ex and such an obvious desire to punish him. I feel sorry for you OP having such a hard lot in life. You’re understandably frustrated at being disabled and having to deal with a disabled child. But you’re taking it out on the children and using them to punish their father. And that is unacceptable. No matter what your feelings are.

Drip feed or what. What a waste of my time.

Also - if one of your kids are autistic and needs you 24/7 - how did you expect them to spend long weekends at their dad’s house …? If their dad has to work to bring in the money to pay rent for a huge several bedroom house AND pay you CMS who’s going to look after the kid?

Given your engagement - only replying to what you perceive as ‘attacking your SAHm status’ you’re not looking for any advice or constructive solution. You just want validation. Despite every poster saying that the faraway move is an unviable option.
Nothing more to do here…

You’re not a SAHP though. You have chronic health needs and you’re a carer to a child with additional needs. That’s not the same and it’s quite obvious. You’re not choosing to stay at home because it’s a life choice (which is totally valid and shouldn’t be judged) but you are unable to work.

Given your one of your child’s needs, what would suit them in terms of contact? That might change things too.
You’ve not mentioned how the children feel about current contact and their lives - any clubs or activities and social events at weekends. It’s not about him, he may well be a shit. It’s about what they would prefer. I liked having my dad around the corner. I could pop over and there was no need to stay in the same house overnight.

You’ve also not said if the option of you moving out to facilitate him staying over is workable?

@Feelingoktoday

Drip feed or what. What a waste of my time.

Drip feed and a half! While it yes OP it does change things re your SAHM status,feels a bit of a gotcha now.

Nah, it’s not a gotcha, it’s bollocks. When the replies were not validating her position, she’s suddenly disabled and a carer. Right-o. How very convenient.

@FloconDeNeige

Nah, it’s not a gotcha, it’s bollocks. When the replies were not validating her position, she’s suddenly disabled and a carer. Right-o. How very convenient.

She was never looking for advice in the first place, just a validation. It’s the poor children I feel sorry for. They did nothing to deserve these prize parents.

It’s the poor children I feel sorry for. They did nothing to deserve these prize parents.

Believe it or not I do too, but then I'm sure few people choose to have children in shit circumstances.

When we made the decision to have children we were both working full time, in a housing association property yes but not short of money given the two incomes.

I developed health problems after having children, he chose to cheat after I developed health problems as presumably I was no longer a 'good enough' partner given that intimacy dwindled as a result of both factors.

So now this is the situation we are in. He's had a stark wake up call that staying in the city on such a low income and relying on the private rental market is untenable and I'm stuck doing 95% of the childcare because there's insufficient space at his place for the children.

My suggestion that he move further afield comes from a good place not my wanting to deprive him of seeing the children, quite the opposite.

He uses his shoebox flat as the reason he doesn't have them stay more often, so the obvious answer is to upsize.

Upsizing locally isn't possible given the cost so is it really such an unreasonable suggestion for him to look at properties elsewhere?

PP's have queried why he can't come and stay in the H.A property overnight for access, that's because I have nowhere to go myself.

Also about me leaving London myself.. I would love to. But where do you suppose I find the money to do it? Given that I'm a single bum on benefits, after all.

Also about me leaving London myself.. I would love to. But where do you suppose I find the money to do it? Given that I'm a single bum on benefits, after all.

It you want to leave you could put in for a transfer. There are waiting lists of 10 years for people who need to return to London. Social housing in London is a lot easier to transfer out of than transfer into.

PP's have queried why he can't come and stay in the H.A property overnight for access, that's because I have nowhere to go myself.

You stay at his one bed flat while he stays at yours.

It you want to leave you could put in for a transfer. There are waiting lists of 10 years for people who need to return to London. Social housing in London is a lot easier to transfer out of than transfer into.

Fair point and something I will consider.

It doesn't change much about his living situation though does it?

If he's adamant he wants to stay in London but can't afford a proper base for the kids it wouldn't matter what my housing situation was like. His is the issue

You stay at his one bed flat while he stays at yours

Yeah he wouldn't go for it.

Why do they need to stay over if he’s local though? He could spend the weekend days with him. How far away is he?

@Mickarooni

Why do they need to stay over if he’s local though? He could spend the weekend days with him. How far away is he?

20 minute walk, ish.

They actively want to stay overnight with him, they just don't like the set up. Youngest especially really does need his own space.

My suggestion that he move further afield comes from a good place not my wanting to deprive him of seeing the children, quite the opposite.

He uses his shoebox flat as the reason he doesn't have them stay more often, so the obvious answer is to upsize.

Upsizing locally isn't possible given the cost so is it really such an unreasonable suggestion for him to look at properties elsewhere?

If he’s going to be a shit dad and not prioritise seeing his children then distance won’t help.

He’s not seeing them more often because he can’t be arsed.

Tell him it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have a big place.

Tell him frequent contact - several nights when he does tea in the week, seeing them every weekend for one of the days - matters more than overnights.

See what he does or says then.

Focus on frequency not the overnights.

They might actively want to stay over, but they might just have to accept that they can either accept it as it is, or not stay over.

I really don’t think you’d all be happier with him further away. Contact becomes all about the travel, and your situation sounds like adding that in as a stress would be difficult.

Alot of good points and perspectives here, thank you.

I'm prepared to accept I may be unreasonable.

I'm just fed up so it's hard to be objective I guess.

Put it this way - dads or partners of dads often post here asking if they are unreasonable to move away for a better paying job or other reasons leaving their dc behind and reducing contact as a result. They are resoundingly told they are being very unreasonable. That their presence is the most important thing!

Option 2. That's what i had growing up. My dad lived about a hour and a half train ride away and my sister and I went every other weekend and for a few weeks in the holidays. Once we were secondary school age we just got put on the train one end and collected at the other end. I continued to do similar when I was at uni. Our relationship is really good. I think it's better to have a better quality of time rather than more often but not so great because it's a shared space.

@Thenavyblue

Alot of good points and perspectives here, thank you.

I'm prepared to accept I may be unreasonable.

I'm just fed up so it's hard to be objective I guess.

Good luck to you, OP. It can't be easy, but I hope you and your ex find a solution that suits you and the children