What do you think this father should do? Remain or relocate?

[Thenavyblue]

If a separated father can't afford a sufficient property in his children's home city which allows him to provide good enough shared care, which of these scenarios do you think is in the children's best interests?

1. The father stays in the city and rents a room in a flat share or at a push a small self contained studio flat, has the children over for tea during the week and the odd sleep over during which the children have to sleep on a blow up bed in the common area.

2. He relocates to a cheaper part of the UK where he can afford a house and give them their own bedroom(s) and space, is able to have them for extended periods over the holidays and provide a much better environment for them. The caveat being he sees them slightly less, so for example, staying over EOW as opposed to just going for tea at his place every week.

Additional information: father is a low earner, currently living in an expensive city where property prices are sky high.

Honestly OP, the more you type the more it sounds like this objection to him having them over for tea is really just an excuse to push him to move to Swansea, or Newcastle, or wherever it is in the UK that you think you can rent a multi-bedroom house for less than £500pcm.

You just want him to move away. It is fair enough to not want to see him ever again yourself if he’s cheated on you, but stop trying to make out it’s better for the children to see him once or twice a year in a shitty house in Bradford instead of a couple of times a week in a shitty flat in Lewisham.

@Tealightsandd

Maybe it's this that gets my goat. OP as a Londoner thinks that the rest of a UK is a deserted wasteland where everything's as cheap as chips

Cos one person represents 9 million people... Talking of false stereotypes, I expect lots of people are stunned by OP's predicament...because they think everyone in London is rolling in it and has twenty second homes...

It's hardly surprising OP has her misapprehension.There's been thread after thread on here over the years with an OP and family on low salaries, unable to afford a home in London (because of the 'investment London gets') when their landlord has given notice. Every single time they're told to move out of London because 'it's much cheaper'. A lot of people realise it's still expensive in many areas,but it's not surprising when people like the OP get the wrong idea.

As for OP's dilemma. It's more than likely the decision will be taken out of the dad's hands - unless he's got a magic private landlord who will never ask him to leave. I'm actually very surprised he was able to find a landlord willing to let to him on his salary. Even if he's in the outer suburbs he's looking at very minimum £900 pcm for a 1 bed (perhaps slightly less if a one room studio). He'll seriously struggle to find even a flatshare on his salary but definitely if/when he has to leave his current 1 bed that's all he'll be able to get.

In fact OP that might be why he's so reluctant to move. He's found a landlord willing to take him. He wants to cling on in there because he probably knows we live in a society that's happy to see people homeless.

Nobody said that every Londoner thinks that (reading comprehension darling!). Just that OP as a Londoner thinks that everywhere else is cheaper. It's correct to a certain extent. 30K, the national average is 'low' in London but would allow a comfortable life with a partner earning at least 15K. Two people earning slightly below the national average would be alright, but screwed in London.

The OP however wants someone who is not only the sole earner - but a VERY LOW sole earner at that to rent an entire house with multiple bedrooms. If he was unable to earn that much in the capital city where salaries are higher he's probably going to earn even less elsewhere.

HTH.

HTH

Not really, since I already knew that
Hence the word 'misapprehension' (reading comprehension...)

Also i wanna bet that this thread will be removed for being outing

Bear in mind also that OP's idea of rental costs will be distorted by being in genuinely affordable housing (social housing).

@TractorAndHeadphones

Also i wanna bet that this thread will be removed for being outing

I personally prefer my DC's father to live close by even though he can't have them for overnights. It means he's much more flexible and a much more hands on parent. DC don't need another house - they already have a home - they need a hands on dad.

My parents were divorced and long travelling between was awful, option 1.

This wasn't in London but still relevant. A friend of DP's had to move in with his parents after splitting with his ex. The children didn't often stay overnight as it was a small house but he saw them regularly whilst living there.

Local is better.
The system is fucked up if you have such cheap rent and you don’t need to work when your kids are that old. Sitting pretty compared to him!
And yeah, cheating sucks. But my XH cheated too and I still put kids first 🤷🏻‍♀️

So you want your DC to have a parent living in London, a parent living elsewhere on a salary that doesn’t afford a decent standard of living for anyone anywhere commutable to London let alone with two kids, for you not to move, for you not to work, AND for your D.C. to see their father “slightly less”?

Yes he’s a shit for cheating. Fact.

You are coming across as entitled, living in cloud cuckoo land, seething, and impractical.

Life has no guarantees. Shit happens to everyone all the time. We have no entitlement to a smooth or easy life. We all make the best of things when shit happens. You trying to get your kids’ dad to move so far away that travel costs mean he’ll barely see them in two or three months, isn’t that. The children need a loving relationship. Not their own bedrooms.

As a child, this is how these options played out for me in real life.

Option one. First couple of years after my parents split. Have some very happy memories of this. No overnights, but over couple of nights a wel and one weekend day. He also came over to mum’s sometimes to look after me when she was out, was able to pick me up from school sometimes if she was late, could see him at short notice, that kind of thing.

Option 2. Collapsed pretty quickly. Out of sight, out of my life. Our life’s were in separate places and we detached. He was lonely in a new place and he started actively seeking a new relationship/family setting.

Very quickly option 2 became option 3. Dad moves in with new girlfriend and her kids. New girlfriend quickly insists dad has no time just with me it has to be as a new “family” so she and her kids don’t miss out on his free time. Cue bitter custody battle, even though it’s pretty obvious new girlfriend doesn’t want me to be resident with her.

Then it became option 4. Dad disappears from my life.

If he’s keen to be involved in his kid’s lives and the accommodation challenges are genuine, you will find a way to make it work if you both don’t get caught up in rules and entitlements and responsibilities. If you push him away to the middle of nowhere where he is lonely you are just increasing the chances he finds a new family to fill up that space and that loneliness.

If he’s genuinely not keen on time with his kids and the unsuitable accommodation thing is just an excuse, it’s not going to be 50/50 custody or fair share of parenting anyway. Atleast if he’s local your kids might bump into him or know they can go see him if they need to. As such he might not function as a parent, but as some kind of supportive/involved adult in their lives. More like an uncle or an older brother or a cousin. A lot better than nothing.

@Changechangychange

Honestly OP, the more you type the more it sounds like this objection to him having them over for tea is really just an excuse to push him to move to Swansea, or Newcastle, or wherever it is in the UK that you think you can rent a multi-bedroom house for less than £500pcm.

You just want him to move away. It is fair enough to not want to see him ever again yourself if he’s cheated on you, but stop trying to make out it’s better for the children to see him once or twice a year in a shitty house in Bradford instead of a couple of times a week in a shitty flat in Lewisham.

This

The bedsit. I actually don't think young kids need their own room really, they'll love the novelty of sleeping on a blow up bed and having a sleepover with their dad. Then when they're older they can come and go as they please and can stay nearby their friends at the weekend.

I think if you were both on the tenancy originally than he should have a 1 bedroom flat, he could even move out of London and rent a property further out but on the days where he has the children, they should all be able to stay in the house and you go stay in the flat! Regardless of what he did.. the children shouldn’t suffer. The HA property was originally given to you both and a bit like a mortgage you were both jointly named so he shouldn’t have had to give up.

Also I think you should get a job too and maybe contemplate all of you moving out of London if you cannot afford the lifestyle. You are a SAHM so you cannot afford London lifestyle and neither can the children’s father so you are making life difficult for the children regardless of their living circumstances.

It does very much sound like you are punishing him and that’s not fair and it’s not really teaching your children the best life lessons!

I would say 2) BUT how much of an issue would travel be? Could he maintain this long term?

Option 119
My friend actually did this for donkeys years and it worked for her DC.
You move out EOW and let him see them at your house. She used to stay with family and eventually new partners place.
The kids Dad slept on a sofa bed in the sitting room.

It doesn’t sound like your family could ever afford to live in London.

You cannot, and never could afford to be a SAHM.

I think it’s much better for your ex to live nearby. When you go back to work you will be very glad of having him there to share the load with school runs, sick days etc.

He has to increase his earnings though. He has been coasting for too long.

It's not really a case of what should happen, the hard facts are what matter. You are now seperated, he doesn't have a high paying job so can't afford CM and a two bedroom flat on his own. I know you're angry but it's no good saying everything must be as the DC want /need if it's not possible.
I'm sorry he cheated, and I don't have sympathy for him, but you need to live in the real world now

It's all well and good people asking why should he relocate but it's quite simple really isn't it? You can't live somewhere you can't afford to live

You can't either though Op save for the good fortune of a HA subsidised rent.

Surely the solution is to both move some somewhere cheaper?

It's all well and good people asking why should he relocate but it's quite simple really isn't it? You can't live somewhere you can't afford to live

If he relocates what would be the consequences regarding his job? Maybe the question should be "should he stay where he is and be able to support his children, or relocate where there is a risk he may lose his job and end up with nothing?"

Do you want him to move to a cheaper area, work full time, pay CM, travel back to collect the DC for the weekend - whilst you sit, happily in the HA house in London which was meant for both of you? Yes he cheated, but there will have to be a point where you stop kicking him.

Maybe it's this that gets my goat. OP as a Londoner thinks that the rest of a UK is a deserted wasteland where everything's as cheap as chips . And she doesn't even earn any money -had a less than stellar career record herself (of odd jobs here and there) - yet looks down on her husband's job, thinking that he could just 'get one anywhere', as it's not a 'niche career'.
Very very out of touch with reality

Yes this. I'm in Cornwall. Say the man moved down here because everyone thinks Cornwall is cheap....

There are no rental properties and certainly not for under £500 a month that's suitable for a family.
I'm not sure about the situation with retail employment but definitely lots of jobs in hospitality. Unfortunately the take home pay is likely to be less than he's earning now.
Public transport is sparse so he'd have to run a car. More expense.
Getting the kids to visit every other weekend would cost £000's on the train.
Cost of living here isn't cheaper than elsewhere. In fact our water rates are the highest in the country.

So, OP, how would that work then?

@Thenavyblue

I've taken on board your opinions so thank you for the outside perspective. I don't think people would have quite so much sympathy for him if you knew why the relationship ended or how he has blatantly put his own selfish wants and needs before that of his children but that's ok I won't derail the thread.

The whys and wherefores of the breakup are irrelevant, apart from adding context to your attitude, which comes across as a bit spiteful.

Should the children just suck up the fact that the best they'll get is tea at dad's and an occasional sleep over on a blow up bed or sofa?
This worked fine for me and my DB when my parents split up. I saw my mum at least once every week (lived with my dad), which was preferable to having to trek to another town EOW for a weekend and missing out on seeing friends etc.

It seems to me that dad is making the best of a shit situation. I don't think option 2 will make things any better overall.

It's all well and good people asking why should he relocate but it's quite simple really isn't it? You can't live somewhere you can't afford to live

Do you realise how hypocritical that sounds coming from someone in your position?

You sound like you’re feeling very hurt and angry and so you want to hurt him too by making him lose his entire life, but hopefully with time you’ll be able to see that your children having regular, convenient contact with their Dad is more important than them doing lots of travelling and having sleepovers, especially with the ages they are at. It does mean that you have to sacrifice ever having weekends to yourself, but you have to balance that with the benefits you have of living in London.