What do you think this father should do? Remain or relocate?

[Thenavyblue]

If a separated father can't afford a sufficient property in his children's home city which allows him to provide good enough shared care, which of these scenarios do you think is in the children's best interests?

1. The father stays in the city and rents a room in a flat share or at a push a small self contained studio flat, has the children over for tea during the week and the odd sleep over during which the children have to sleep on a blow up bed in the common area.

2. He relocates to a cheaper part of the UK where he can afford a house and give them their own bedroom(s) and space, is able to have them for extended periods over the holidays and provide a much better environment for them. The caveat being he sees them slightly less, so for example, staying over EOW as opposed to just going for tea at his place every week.

Additional information: father is a low earner, currently living in an expensive city where property prices are sky high.

Have you asked the children what they want?

Option 2 but he should do all the travelling and bear the costs.

In reality it is up to the Dad. I mean if it were me I'd be choosing option 2 but I'm only seeing a snapshot of the situation, not the finer details.

He's currently in London yes.

His average monthly take home is around 1,200 - 1,300 IIRC.

No chance of obtaining a flat or house with an extra bedroom locally for anything under around about the same amount of money per month so would be his entire pay check if not more.

Option 2. DH did this when he split with his ex. Even though we live quite far away, we worked out that he is only missing out on about 6 contact hours per fortnight. Plus the contact times were happening in a shared house and in car parks, miserable. Now we have our home which we own and there is plenty of space for the step kids.

I moved 30 miles away and did all travel.
Then dc moved here ft..

@Bucanarab

Have you asked the children what they want?

More and better quality time with him and their own sleeping space when they're there.

Other parents living situation is perfectly adequate for the children.
What I meant was, has a divorce been finalised or have assets been divided up fairly? It’s hard to tell without knowing the whole circumstances.

All you can do is putting in writing regularly what the DC want and ask them to tell them what they want. Perhaps instigate sleepovers every weekend?

I think option 2 would work better with younger kids and option 1 would work better with teens. And I agree with option 1 it should be dad sleeping on the blow up mattress

@NoSquirrels

Other parents living situation is perfectly adequate for the children. What I meant was, has a divorce been finalised or have assets been divided up fairly? It’s hard to tell without knowing the whole circumstances.

Sorry i misunderstood.

No divorce nessecary as wasn't married. No real assets.

Primary residence is H.A with a lifetime tenancy, so whilst not owned outright it is secure.

Father moved out of said property post split and is now in a 1 bed you couldn't swing a cat in.

Unfortunately you cannot make a non-resident parent move away from their children (or do anything) regardless of whether you consider it in the best interests of the DC or not.
The other point is that this is about the children, not what suits the parents. It might be better for the DC as they grow up to know that dad is just around the corner or within walking distance than far away. Realistically how far out of London does one have to move to get the space he needs?

My DD’s dad has a small house and two children from his second marriage. She stays over on a blow up bed in a room with her two half-sisters. I just made sure she didn’t go when she was about to do exams as she invariably came home tired. She came and went to his as she pleased and the lack of space did not bother her.

@Thenavyblue

He's currently in London yes.

His average monthly take home is around 1,200 - 1,300 IIRC.

No chance of obtaining a flat or house with an extra bedroom locally for anything under around about the same amount of money per month so would be his entire pay check if not more.

Would not he be entitled to social housing if he has underage children?

I guess my point is that I think I would have been massively overstepping to tell him to move to a cheaper area to get a bigger house and there is no way I could have got him to do that.

My friends do what @UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme suggested and it works great. The parents do get on brilliantly for exes though.

I think that option 2, while might sound better, would eventually lead to reduced contact with the children, particularly as they reach teenage years and want to spend time with friends during weekends/school holidays instead.
Option 1 might be the better short-term solution, but with the children sleeping in the father's bedroom and the father sleeping in the communal space.
This is a really difficult situation. I'm presuming you are the mother with the children resident and you obviously haven't given details of the split but I'm wondering how the father came to be so significantly disadvantaged financially compared to the mother. If there was a split shouldn't the home be sold and each get half to find suitable new homes that the children can access?

That’s really tricky. If he had 50-50 care of the DC, then would he be entitled to HA or similar?

Somehow the moving away doesn’t sit right as I think it has as many downsides as advantages but I see you think differently and perceive staying close as the easy option so I’m guessing history of putting himself first.

It’s not simple.

Would not he be entitled to social housing if he has underage children?

In an ideal world yes, however he forfeited his part in the H.A lifetime tenancy therefore fell under the 'intentionally homeless' bracket and had to source his own accommodation. The only affordable private housing he could secure is inadequate for the DC.

Now the current lack of space is cited as the reason for sparse contact, sparse being "tea at dad's" on a weekly basis and few and far between overnight stays.

If there was a split shouldn't the home be sold and each get half to find suitable new homes that the children can access?

Wasn't married and neither are home owners.

Has the father in question discussed or offered to move further away?

If not it's a moot point. If he can't afford a place they can stay and doesn't want to move away (from what MN would call his support network...) then it doesn't matter what his ex or children want.

That's not to say that it isn't a sucky situation, but I suspect the ex is right that he wouldn't see much of the children especially as they get older.

And dad makes sure he is working towards renting a more suitable place

Problem with this is if they are paying cm, it is nearly impossible to fund a small flat, pay living costs, cm, and save up for a deposit on a bigger place, that he can’t afford anyway because they take cm into account when calculating affordability.

So you get to keep the secure tenancy and your life in London, you expect him to have to give up his life in the city and you wonder why he isn't keen?

Doesn't he also need to live near his work?

How about Option 3 everyone moves - swap the HA house for somewhere in the outer burbs?

The problem with option 2 is that it can work for young kids but won't as they get older. Everything from birthday parties to sports clubs will be close to the home location. Then once they get to early teen years they'll want to see friends.

That's fine if it's a 30 minute drive, not fair on the kids if it's a long way, because it's almost guaranteed that as they get older they'll have less and less desire or ability to travel. Dad also won't be as able to pop by and see a school play, pick up a sick child or more. It fractures the relationship which is bad for kids, the dad and often the mum, who then has to take on more and more.

This is why for so many people it's not right to have one person keep the house, because most couples then don't have enough for anything near similar.

(1). My kids slept on the sofa for years at their dads until he bought a house. It was only EOW and some holidays. It was fine.