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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 37 year old man going out with a 21 year old is a red flag

104 replies

StartingAgain33 · 10/09/2021 12:52

I've been on a date with someone I really like, on first impression. He's 46, I'm 37.

Made the mistake of googling him and his ex girlfriend's blog came up top - at first I thought she was just an old flatmate, as the post I saw was about him moving him with her. Then realised it was an ex girlfriend. She was 21, and he was 37. I didn't read all the entries as didn't want to know lots of detail but I do know they were together 2.5 years, that he moved in with her and that she didn't ask his age for ages as she didn't want to 'ruin things' (why he didnt just tell her I dont know).

Obviously this was a long time ago, and I don't want to judge him unfairly, but I just feel a bit weird about the situation. Is it always dodgy with this kind of age gap?

To be fair to him, she pursued him on a night out, looked quite a bit older and was extremely attractive / released quite a popular song at the time, and he is very into his music which I think they would have bonded over a lot. If I was him I would have found it hard to say no!

But I would worry about the emotional maturity of a man who is able to do this, and I don't feel able to directly ask. Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

YABU - Not a dealbreaker
YANBY - Dealbreaker

OP posts:
thecognoscenti · 10/09/2021 12:55

Some 21 year olds are very mature. Some 37 year olds are very immature. I think I would want to know more about the individuals concerned, rather than making a snap judgment. There were 15 years between my grandparents and they had a good marriage.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 12:55

She's over the age of consent. He didn't groom or coerce her. He didn't just use her as a booty call. He's with an older woman now. I really don't see the problem.

TinselTime21 · 10/09/2021 12:56

I was 19 and my ex, ds father was 36. Lots of factors.
We had ds but I couldn't handle how his ex was she was relentless. So I took decision to separate. The flat was in my name so no worries there. We get on well still now. Both now married to others. Age was never an issue for us tho.

FireworkParrot · 10/09/2021 12:59

I don't think this would be a deal breaker for me. I'm mid 30s and the thought of dating a 21 year old does make me feel ick so I can see where you're coming from but it really depends on the personalities and the maturity of the two people in question. She was a consenting adult and it sounds like they had a longer term relationship so they obviously cared about one another. I wouldn't write it off just on the face that she was young when they got together.

Boobieboobieboobie · 10/09/2021 12:59

Yeah its gross. Not sure I could over look it. Was she 21 when the met?

Boobieboobieboobie · 10/09/2021 13:00

Gone againt the grain there!

ErickBroch · 10/09/2021 13:01

Would be a dealbreaker for me, but everyone is different.

LBirch02 · 10/09/2021 13:06

YABU

Ozanj · 10/09/2021 13:07

Deal breaker for me yes.

MrsTWH · 10/09/2021 13:11

I think while it gives me the “ick” she was 21 and a consenting adult, they met when they were adults. So it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me, but I probably would have a conversation with him about it.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/09/2021 13:14

It was almost 10 years ago OP.

I have voted you are unreasonable.

When I was 22 by boyfriend/ partner was 35. I was very mature and he'd lived a life where his contact with women had been limited for some of his teens/early 20s.

Nancydrawn · 10/09/2021 13:14

Half your age plus seven. Works most times.

Also, when you're near 40, it's best to date people whose frontal cortex has fully developed.

Lou98 · 10/09/2021 13:15

@thecognoscenti

Some 21 year olds are very mature. Some 37 year olds are very immature. I think I would want to know more about the individuals concerned, rather than making a snap judgment. There were 15 years between my grandparents and they had a good marriage.

This^

My gran met her partner when she was 51 and he was 24, everyone said it wouldn't last because of the age gap. They were together 26 years until she died earlier this year.

OP, some people wouldn't like the 9 year age gap you have and think that's too much, others think that's nothing.

Personally I think YABU, you need to judge your partner on how he is now with you, not on his past that you've read online

Nancydrawn · 10/09/2021 13:17

That said, if she 'had released quite a popular song,' it's possible she'd been operating in an adult world for 5 years and seemed closer to her mid-20s in her personality.

jimmyhill · 10/09/2021 13:23

Time to look up popular songs of 2012 released by 21 year old female singers

DogFoodPie · 10/09/2021 13:29

I wouldn't say deal breaker but it's a bit of a question mark about if he's controlling. It's easier to be controlling towards a younger person so sometimes controlling types are drawn to a younger partner. So it would make me look at him very carefully to see if he might be that type.

Lanique · 10/09/2021 13:30

"You're from the seventies but I'm a nineties chick"

drpet49 · 10/09/2021 13:30

* She's over the age of consent. He didn't groom or coerce her. He didn't just use her as a booty call. He's with an older woman now. I really don't see the problem.*

^This

Lanique · 10/09/2021 13:30

@Lanique

"You're from the seventies but I'm a nineties chick"
Sorry that was to @jimmyhill Grin
Lanique · 10/09/2021 13:32

90s bitch i mean 🤦‍♀️

CatsArePeople · 10/09/2021 13:33

age difference alone means nothing. Other circumstances at play - was he married/divorced at the time? Was she in some way vulnerable? Did he pay for sex or something like that? Otherwise - nothing wrong with two consenting adults.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2021 13:34

So she named him fully in her blog? Given the hindsight of her now being older it would depend on what she wrote. Why is she writing about him now? It's quite weird l fully name him unless he's also famous. If they're both famous I think the age thing can feel different if they're both doing the same kind of thing in the same industry

JustGiveMeGin · 10/09/2021 13:34

I was 20 and my now husband 36 when we met, still together 17 years later.....am I giving you the ick OP?
Hate these threads, not every man is out to groom every young woman he meets. If the age gap bothers you move on and find someone who's relationship history you approve of.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 10/09/2021 13:42

I went out with a 34 year old when I was 19 - we met at university as he had gone back to study a further degree. Eventually after I left university it fizzled out, but it was a lovely time and I have no regrets. It didn't seem that we were very different when we were 20s/30s. Was just thinking he'd be 60 now if we were together and that would seem very much older than me (I'm 46, DH is 50). But people do also make it work longer term.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 13:42

@MrsTWH

I think while it gives me the “ick” she was 21 and a consenting adult, they met when they were adults. So it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me, but I probably would have a conversation with him about it.
Out of interest, what would your conversation be?