Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 37 year old man going out with a 21 year old is a red flag

104 replies

StartingAgain33 · 10/09/2021 12:52

I've been on a date with someone I really like, on first impression. He's 46, I'm 37.

Made the mistake of googling him and his ex girlfriend's blog came up top - at first I thought she was just an old flatmate, as the post I saw was about him moving him with her. Then realised it was an ex girlfriend. She was 21, and he was 37. I didn't read all the entries as didn't want to know lots of detail but I do know they were together 2.5 years, that he moved in with her and that she didn't ask his age for ages as she didn't want to 'ruin things' (why he didnt just tell her I dont know).

Obviously this was a long time ago, and I don't want to judge him unfairly, but I just feel a bit weird about the situation. Is it always dodgy with this kind of age gap?

To be fair to him, she pursued him on a night out, looked quite a bit older and was extremely attractive / released quite a popular song at the time, and he is very into his music which I think they would have bonded over a lot. If I was him I would have found it hard to say no!

But I would worry about the emotional maturity of a man who is able to do this, and I don't feel able to directly ask. Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

YABU - Not a dealbreaker
YANBY - Dealbreaker

OP posts:
UsernameNotAvailableApparently · 10/09/2021 13:43

@Lanique

"You're from the seventies but I'm a nineties chick"
Came here to guess the same person (well one of that duo anyway)! No idea if they have a blog but glad we came to the same conclusion Grin
Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 13:47

Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd met when they were 37 and 21. Still together 40 years later. Mind you, they both give me the ick.

Cocomarine · 10/09/2021 13:47

Can you explain more about the “to be fair” and her being “extremely attractive”?

I’m trying to work out the rules.

37yo man + 21yo hottie = good
37yo man + 21yo ugly = paedo

Have I got that right?

Lanique · 10/09/2021 13:48

@UsernameNotAvailableApparently Grin

billy1966 · 10/09/2021 13:51

It can give me the Ick but from what you have written, I might give him a chance.

They lived together, no children, theysplit up, no indication of drama?

Could be fine.

GoldenBlue · 10/09/2021 13:51

I would find it uncomfortable. Controlling men often prefer younger women and I would worry about that and his maturity level.

I like the half age + 7 as a good rule of thumb for appropriate age gaps.

Based on that a 37 year old would be fine going out with a 25 year old

However 29 is the upper limit for a 21 year old.

It all comes down to personal choice between consenting adults but I would be just a little worried and watch out for controlling behaviours.

Naunet · 10/09/2021 13:52

@JustGiveMeGin

I was 20 and my now husband 36 when we met, still together 17 years later.....am I giving you the ick OP? Hate these threads, not every man is out to groom every young woman he meets. If the age gap bothers you move on and find someone who's relationship history you approve of.
Most 37 year old women wouldn’t feel comfortable (or even want) to date a 22 year old - there’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner who shares similar values.
Juno231 · 10/09/2021 13:55

I would find it a big red flag tbh. What was wrong with him that women his age weren't interested? Conversely, thinking of him lusting over someone so young that SHOULD have nothing in common with him is icky too.

Bleh.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 13:56

@Cocomarine

Can you explain more about the “to be fair” and her being “extremely attractive”?

I’m trying to work out the rules.

37yo man + 21yo hottie = good
37yo man + 21yo ugly = paedo

Have I got that right?

😂😂😂😂

Maybe along the lines of... she was very attractive so he was irresistibly dragged in and so it was natural to shag her = not his fault, he's a weak fool

But she was ugly so easy to resist but he shagged her anyway = totally nasty, must be a paedo

jimmyhill · 10/09/2021 13:57

The ages don't seem right to me?

ShaneTheThird · 10/09/2021 13:58

No problem. Unless the suggestion is that a 21 year old adult is actually a child which makes no sense. They were in their 20s and 30s it's not like Anna Nicole Smith and husband.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 14:02

@Juno231

I would find it a big red flag tbh. What was wrong with him that women his age weren't interested? Conversely, thinking of him lusting over someone so young that SHOULD have nothing in common with him is icky too.

Bleh.

How do you know women of his age weren't interested? Just because he didn't choose to go out with a 37yo, doesn't mean he couldn't have if he'd wanted to.
Cocomarine · 10/09/2021 14:03

@Porridgealert it sounds very much like some elderly judge saying, “well she may have been 13, but she was asking for it, enticing you like that, naughty Lolita” 🙄

Look @StartingAgain33 I’ve the age gap was creepy or it wasn’t. It’s no less creepy though because she was attractive. That’s saying, OK - but if it was creepy, he did have a good excuse. No, if it was creepy - it was creepy, end of, no excuses.

TableFlowerss · 10/09/2021 14:06

That’s many a mans dream isn’t it, to have a young woman on his arm?

Privacy gave him a great ego boost to think she was in to him. Brownie points with his friends and all.

Very seldom do you hear of it the other way around, whereby a 38 year old woman would date a 21 year old man, but youth, particularly when it’s related to women is a desired attribute. Sad but true.

TableFlowerss · 10/09/2021 14:07

perhaps

legoriakelne · 10/09/2021 14:08

@JustGiveMeGin

I was 20 and my now husband 36 when we met, still together 17 years later.....am I giving you the ick OP? Hate these threads, not every man is out to groom every young woman he meets. If the age gap bothers you move on and find someone who's relationship history you approve of.
Given that you are still in that relationship and clearly have a vested interest in defending this scenario to make yourself feel better, I'm not sure your comments are useful. Somebody still in a relationship cannot tell us whether they have been groomed.

This is not about you as a person and it is not a comment on you as a person. If you choose to make it about you that's on you.

It is dysfunctional and toxic when significantly older men target young, still developing women with little life or relationship experience and far less power than the man.

It's not about "maturity" or the "age gap" it is about the difference in power and life experience, and the impossibility of a healthy relationship that follows.

Anybody who says "she's over the age of consent, so what" needs to raise their standards for what is acceptable behaviour.

MintyGreenDream · 10/09/2021 14:10

It's unusual but not icky imo.

LuaDipa · 10/09/2021 14:18

It’s pretty ick in my opinion. I say this as a woman who was in a relationship with a 30 something at the age of 20, but would never have considered dating a 20 year old in my 30’s as they looked like children to me.

LittleGwyneth · 10/09/2021 15:01

My question would be whether she was an exception or a rule. If all of his girlfriends have been much younger, red flag. If one of them was much younger but the others have been a variety of ages, no red flag.

Rosesareyellow · 10/09/2021 15:21

I think it depends entirely on individual couples and their dynamic. 21 year olds vary hugely in maturity. There will some people who will purposely look for a much younger partner because they are mainly going on young physical appearance or for controlling reasons or maybe because they are a bit immature for their age and haven’t made peace with the fact that they are not in their twenties anymore. But I think more often than not people do often just click and fall in love despite large age differences. Just like people can be friends despite large age differences. I have friends 10 years younger than me and more than 15 years older. I would not judge.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 10/09/2021 15:26

It really depends on the people and circumstances. There's a 15 year age gap between me and OH. I'm still the more grownup one.

gannett · 10/09/2021 15:34

Not a dealbreaker in and of itself, but I don't blame you for wanting to know more and I think it's worth having a conversation about certain things.

They were in/around the music industry, shared a specific interest and met on a night out? This is fairly commonplace in that context. Pretty standard to meet young people who are mature for their age, AND older people who have an arrested-adolescence thing going on, in that scene. I say that without judgement as I'm fairly sure I've been both of those people.

2.5 years seems about right for a relationship based on mutual attraction and a common interest that fades away because they're at different life stages. Seen a fair few of those in my time.

What I would want to know is what kind of power dynamic there was, intentionally or unintentionally, and what he learned from it all. Does he work in the industry? Could he have had any effect on her career, even indirectly (being mates with high-up people at her label, for example)? Despite her maturity was she ever in thrall to him as an older/wiser man? None of these are necessarily the case but I'd want to talk about them.

Thewiseoneincognito · 10/09/2021 15:38

Surely you googling him is a bigger red flag if there ever was one? 😳

Let me guess, you typed: XXXX net worth

Holothane · 10/09/2021 15:38

I met my ex I was 22 he was 37, married wasn’t a problem when we first got married but 10 years later hell to live with, divorced now,

Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 16:01

Just as you think MN has reached peak judgement this thread comes along. It’s a 16 year age gap and it happened nine years ago. 🤷‍♀️

Swipe left for the next trending thread