Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 37 year old man going out with a 21 year old is a red flag

104 replies

StartingAgain33 · 10/09/2021 12:52

I've been on a date with someone I really like, on first impression. He's 46, I'm 37.

Made the mistake of googling him and his ex girlfriend's blog came up top - at first I thought she was just an old flatmate, as the post I saw was about him moving him with her. Then realised it was an ex girlfriend. She was 21, and he was 37. I didn't read all the entries as didn't want to know lots of detail but I do know they were together 2.5 years, that he moved in with her and that she didn't ask his age for ages as she didn't want to 'ruin things' (why he didnt just tell her I dont know).

Obviously this was a long time ago, and I don't want to judge him unfairly, but I just feel a bit weird about the situation. Is it always dodgy with this kind of age gap?

To be fair to him, she pursued him on a night out, looked quite a bit older and was extremely attractive / released quite a popular song at the time, and he is very into his music which I think they would have bonded over a lot. If I was him I would have found it hard to say no!

But I would worry about the emotional maturity of a man who is able to do this, and I don't feel able to directly ask. Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

YABU - Not a dealbreaker
YANBY - Dealbreaker

OP posts:
MoChridhe · 10/09/2021 21:38

You do you

RampantIvy · 10/09/2021 21:41

@Bobsyer

I would be a deal breaker for me tbh.

When I was 21 it wouldn’t have been. But it would be now.

I'm inclined to agree. I'm 62 my DH would be 78. No thank you.
toconclude · 10/09/2021 22:12

@Boobieboobieboobie

Yeah its gross. Not sure I could over look it. Was she 21 when the met?
Thanks so much for your judgement that my now 36 year long marriage is"gross". Grow up
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 10/09/2021 22:26

@RampantIvy

2 adults were in a relationship, I don't see the problem.

I think you are missing the point. A 21 year old and a 37 year old will be at completely different stages in life.

Not necessarily. When I met OH, I wanted stability. A long term,safe,loving relationship, a home, a kid at some point. I was more than ready to settle down. Due to his age he wanted the exact same things. It worked. It still does.
VanGoSunflowers · 10/09/2021 22:32

I do not see an issue with this at all. Judge the man based on the man and follow your gut instinct. If any of his behaviours throw up red flags then walk away. Until then, you’re good.

VanGoSunflowers · 10/09/2021 22:33

Thanks so much for your judgement that my now 36 year long marriage is"gross"

Some people are so small minded. Of course your marriage is not gross Smile

ddl1 · 10/09/2021 22:37

She was 21: an adult. Unless he was in some way in a position of power over her (e.g. an employer), I see nothing wrong with it in itself.

ddl1 · 10/09/2021 22:44

A 21 year old and a 37 year old will be at completely different stages in life.

Not necessarily - or at least not necessarily more than two people of the same age. I hate the idea that people's personality, aims in life and interests are always defined by their age. It's not that different from national and cultural stereotyping.

If people are seriously thinking of having children together, age effects on fertility are a genuine factor for consideration. But it is NOT the case that all young adults are outgoing and lively and want to socialize all the time, while all older men (and 37 isn't that old anyway) are either materialists looking for trophy wives, or just want to stay at home with a woman to bring them their slippers.

RAFHercules · 10/09/2021 22:54

DH and I were 20 and 30 when we met.
Everyone assumed we were the same age and still do. He is my soul mate and I resent the insinuation that he is in any way a controlling creep.

DillonPanthersTexas · 10/09/2021 22:55

I love how on these threads the people who dated or married much older men always proclaim how terribly mature they were at 19 or whatever. They are not exactly in a position of objectivity.

ILikeYourHair · 10/09/2021 22:56

YANBU

Big, fat, bright red flag!!

ILikeYourHair · 10/09/2021 22:57

The fact that he’s still dating so much younger is also highly problematic.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/09/2021 23:02

I think it is a red flag.

I am not much over 37 and I can't even imagine having a romantic and sexual relationship with a 21 year old. The power differential would be too great. It is creepy that he is OK with it.

thepeopleversuswork · 10/09/2021 23:07

It would make me suspect he was a bit immature and shallow tbh.

RampantIvy · 10/09/2021 23:10

@DillonPanthersTexas

I love how on these threads the people who dated or married much older men always proclaim how terribly mature they were at 19 or whatever. They are not exactly in a position of objectivity.
I think happily married people with large age differences are in the minority. I know my 21 year old DD would just not be interested in anyone 16 years older than her. She is still at university and likes to be with her student friends.
Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 23:44

I know my 21 year old DD would just not be interested in anyone 16 years older than her

Do you? I imagine my 20 year old friend’s parents would have said the same thing. She was busy having an affair with a lecturer of 43, she seemed to find him pretty interesting.

Cryalot2 · 10/09/2021 23:50

Age is just a number. If you are happy who cares .

Mayorquimby2 · 10/09/2021 23:50

Oh he's a wrong un make no mistake

Same for the threads with older women asking if it's ok and the cheerleaders come out with "you're an adult, he's an adult. Have some fun" wrong uns

JustBrowwsing · 10/09/2021 23:56

I went out with a 22 year old when I was 26 and really noticed the difference.

There’s no right or wrong but a similar age to you now and for what’s it’s worth would feel weird about this and extremely fucking weird about going out with a 21 year old.

Shelddd · 11/09/2021 00:04

To say it's gross or wrong is just incorrect. It's neither of those things. Youth is desirable, it's hilarious how we dance around it and hide from it.

But should you date someone who has a history of dating people much younger than you (or far larger age gap rather)... I would be reluctant personally.. not because it's gross or inappropriate but simply because their interest will probably fade so they aren't someone I'd risk a long term relationship on.

Nancydrawn · 11/09/2021 01:06

@JinglingHellsBells, I think I wasn't clear.

The phrase is to say that half your age plus seven is a minimum age for a partner to be -- not that one must date someone that age! (So, for a 26 year old, 20. A 30 year old, 22. For a 45 year old, 30ish. Etc.)

I've never subscribed to it personally--I've always dated around my own age (+/- 3 years). But I certainly wasn't advocating half age plus seven as a mandatory gap!

Recessed · 11/09/2021 01:19

It would put me off a bit for sure. I would question his character/ possibly think him very shallow. It would wholly depend on his personality now though. Any other red flags? I would be on the lookout for sexism/women as trophies type comments. How domesticated he is, how much he buys into gender stereotypes etc. I would write him off straight away if you otherwise like him but I would definitely keep a close eye.

Recessed · 11/09/2021 01:20

I wouldn't* write him off

HarebrightCedarmoon · 11/09/2021 03:51

@tillytown

There was a thread last month(?) where the OP was angry that her very early 20s year old son was dating a nearly 40 year old woman, and people were disgusted that a women of that age would want to be with someone young enough to be her son. I have no idea why those same people are now ok with the age difference when it's the female who is a lot younger than the male, there are some very odd people on this website.
Different people? This site has a huge poster base, it's not a panel of ten people commenting on every issue.
Chunkymenrock · 11/09/2021 04:10

Agree the "rule" is the biggest load of tripe going. It always sounds like something a 14 year old came up with in their bedroom. When I was 25, I had an incredible relationship with a man in his 50s and it was the most respectful and caring relationship I ever had. Judging what two adults choose to do is sanctimonious crap.