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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a 37 year old man going out with a 21 year old is a red flag

104 replies

StartingAgain33 · 10/09/2021 12:52

I've been on a date with someone I really like, on first impression. He's 46, I'm 37.

Made the mistake of googling him and his ex girlfriend's blog came up top - at first I thought she was just an old flatmate, as the post I saw was about him moving him with her. Then realised it was an ex girlfriend. She was 21, and he was 37. I didn't read all the entries as didn't want to know lots of detail but I do know they were together 2.5 years, that he moved in with her and that she didn't ask his age for ages as she didn't want to 'ruin things' (why he didnt just tell her I dont know).

Obviously this was a long time ago, and I don't want to judge him unfairly, but I just feel a bit weird about the situation. Is it always dodgy with this kind of age gap?

To be fair to him, she pursued him on a night out, looked quite a bit older and was extremely attractive / released quite a popular song at the time, and he is very into his music which I think they would have bonded over a lot. If I was him I would have found it hard to say no!

But I would worry about the emotional maturity of a man who is able to do this, and I don't feel able to directly ask. Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

YABU - Not a dealbreaker
YANBY - Dealbreaker

OP posts:

JustGiveMeGin · 10/09/2021 16:20

@Naunet surely you can see it is possible to share similar values without having been born in the same year?
I've seen an awful lot of threads about this recently and almost always the pearl clutchers jump to the conclusion of grooming etc. I've also seen a lot of posts from women in abusive relationships with men their own age.
It doesn't matter to me how the OP feels about it, she can either get past it or she can't, at the end of the day the GF was 21 at the time so I would like to think she was more than aware of her own mind and able to consent. Either that or we now start policing the acceptable number of years older a woman's partner may be for her because we couldn't possibly decide for ourselves.

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 10/09/2021 17:27

Thanks everyone, this is interesting fodder for thought. Still mixed on how I feel about it but glad that it isn't a blanket no. As people say, it's down to the individuals and I don't know enough about him yet to make a judgement. I'll see if it comes up naturally and go from there... there was no unhealthy power dynamic whatsoever career-wise, apart from her being more successful than him! It's just his strong interest is all. From the blog I read it did seem like two kindred spirits rather than something creepy, and perhaps they just outgrew eachother.

Very happy to hear so many success stories of age gaps also. I think it's quite easy to get pulled into the narrative that it's always dodgy because of the amount of abuse of power there is in the stories we hear through the media. But I can definitely see that sometimes people just really get on and age is not that relevant.

I do have a friend that at 32 met a 55 year old and they're married with a kid and very happy. He is her soulmate. It was just the fact that this woman I posted about was so very young that had me feeling weird, but let's see.

OP posts:

LaBellina · 10/09/2021 17:31

If it were a dealbreaker would depend on how old she was when they met first.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/09/2021 17:43

@Nancydrawn

Half your age plus seven. Works most times.

Also, when you're near 40, it's best to date people whose frontal cortex has fully developed.

This is such nonsense. why do people believe this? If you apply this equation to older women we'd all be dating men 25 years younger. Hello cougars :)

JinglingHellsBells · 10/09/2021 17:46

@StartingAgain33 you can't generalise.

Some women of 21 are very mature and some men of 37 are still growing up.

Runforthehillocks · 10/09/2021 17:54

You can't generalise really. I knew a couple who got together when one was 20 and the other 38. The 20 year old was very much the one who had the 38 year old in their thrall. The 38 year old ended up with their heart broken and very little money left with which to carve a life when it all ended a few years later.

Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 17:54

You read my mind @JinglingHellsBells. I’d be with a guy younger than my son!

Wtfdoipick · 10/09/2021 17:57

Half the age plus 7 would mean I can date anyone between 34 and 90. With that much of an age range why am I still single.

From your description it does sound like she was the driving force i think it would be worth keeping an open mind, carry on seeing him but be watchful

SW1amp · 10/09/2021 18:00

I went out with a 40yo when I was 21

I had my eyes wide open going into it, knew he wasn’t my soul mate but had fun while it lasted (just shy of 2 years)

We went our separate ways and both had ‘age appropriate’ relationships afterwards

But he wanted to be a cliche after his divorce, and I enjoyed having great holidays and great sex with someone who didn’t play games or prioritise getting blind drunk with mates over a girlfriend

Doomscrolling · 10/09/2021 18:02

I’d certainly find it very off putting. Our brains haven’t finished developing until around 25, for heavens sake. At 21 she’s still a young person in flux.

Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 18:04

@Doomscrolling

I’d certainly find it very off putting. Our brains haven’t finished developing until around 25, for heavens sake. At 21 she’s still a young person in flux.

I was a mother at 21. This 25 nonsense really pisses me off.

littlejalapeno · 10/09/2021 18:17

Have you talked to any 21 year olds lately? Even the mature ones as worlds away from a 37 yo in terms of life stages and even cultural touch points. It’s not just a red flag but a whole string of red bunting to me

hellcatspangle · 10/09/2021 18:21

Time to look up popular songs of 2012 released by 21 year old female singers

Glad I'm not the only one 😂

RampantIvy · 10/09/2021 18:25

As the parent of a 21 year old DD, yes, I would think it was weird.

Soupsseason · 10/09/2021 18:31

2 adults were in a relationship, I don't see the problem.

RampantIvy · 10/09/2021 19:52

2 adults were in a relationship, I don't see the problem.

I think you are missing the point. A 21 year old and a 37 year old will be at completely different stages in life.

Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 20:23

@RampantIvy

2 adults were in a relationship, I don't see the problem.

I think you are missing the point. A 21 year old and a 37 year old will be at completely different stages in life.

So what? People the same age can be at completely different life stages too.

tillytown · 10/09/2021 20:28

There was a thread last month(?) where the OP was angry that her very early 20s year old son was dating a nearly 40 year old woman, and people were disgusted that a women of that age would want to be with someone young enough to be her son. I have no idea why those same people are now ok with the age difference when it's the female who is a lot younger than the male, there are some very odd people on this website.

momiamarichman · 10/09/2021 20:33

I met my boyfriend four years ago now when I was 18- he was 35. We're still together at 22 and 38, healthy relationship too (thank god!). Lived together for 3 of the 4 years.

It can work- and doesn't have to be sleazy! My partner is a normal guy, certainly not well off or a sugar daddy

NiceGerbil · 10/09/2021 20:37

I wouldn't see this as an automatic issue no. Unless I suspected he was a bit of a creep in which case I wouldn't go out with him.

Reading her blog was a bit creepy on your part though tbh!

Nothing in there to suggest anything was dodgy so there you go.

RustyBear · 10/09/2021 20:43

Nothing 'ick' about it at all. My mum was 22 when she married my dad, he was 38; they had met just over a year earlier. People told her she would be left a relatively young widow, but they were happily married for 51 years, and it was my mum who died first at just 73, my dad was the one left on his own for 13 years and died aged 102.
And from the other side, my nephew has been happily married for 10 years to a woman 16 years older who he met on a gaming forum. Their marriage has outlasted that of several of their friends who disapproved of the age gap.

Futurecatmum2 · 10/09/2021 20:46

"You're from the seventies but I'm a nineties chick"

I thought this was a reference to the song she released

The age gap thing is creepy but if the guy was otherwise wonderful it probably wouldn’t be a dealbreaker… definitely not great though. At 39, the thought of dating a 21 year-old now is utterly fucking grim!

cataline · 10/09/2021 20:49

I was 21 when I met my DH who was 36 at the time.

We've been together for 20 years now and the age gap has never been an issue.

carolinesbaby · 10/09/2021 21:09

@JustGiveMeGin

I was 20 and my now husband 36 when we met, still together 17 years later.....am I giving you the ick OP? Hate these threads, not every man is out to groom every young woman he meets. If the age gap bothers you move on and find someone who's relationship history you approve of.

This.

Bobsyer · 10/09/2021 21:35

I would be a deal breaker for me tbh.

When I was 21 it wouldn’t have been. But it would be now.

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