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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being unfair by saying it's up to me?

130 replies

inyu · 10/09/2021 00:33

DS is 13, he went back to school on Monday.

DP has told me he wants to take DS out tomorrow as a treat for him going back to school ok (he normally refuses), he's told DS he doesn't have to go to school tomorrow but it's up to me, so if I say he does it makes me look like the bad guy!

DP will be working at the weekend so they can't do anything then, but they could next weekend!

How would you feel about this? AIBU to think this is unfair for DP to do and now I have to say yes?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/09/2021 00:36

It's bang out of order to make you look like the bad guy

And even worse, he's sending your child mixed messages about the importance of school!

TurnTowardsTheSun · 10/09/2021 00:36

It's bad that he's put this on you.

However, missing a day of school will have negligible impact. If it helps him to want to go more, it will be worth it. So in this instance I'd agree but speak to your DP and explain the awkward situation he's put you in and not to do it again.

Imcatmum · 10/09/2021 00:36

I agree with you. He's a jerk for telling DS before letting you decide.

Imcatmum · 10/09/2021 00:37

And he's a twat for taking a young teen out of school for no bloody reason when it's been so hard to get him there. Really bad example for the kid.

MorriseysGladioli · 10/09/2021 00:38

It kind of defeats the object, I'd think.
Having a day off school as a reward for going to school.
I'd be the bad guy and say no.
Then they wouldn't say it was up to me anymore.

Plumtree391 · 10/09/2021 00:39

Your partner already told your son he will take him out tomorrow (actually, it's 'today' now), and I don't see why it is more 'up to' you than him. I suppose you could object, perhaps that is what he means.

If what he plans is something really nice and your son really wants to go, I wouldn't object to that. I'm not sure how the school will react though.

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 10/09/2021 00:42

Um, your DH wants to take the boy out of school as a way of rewarding him for….going to school??

Putting it in you is ridiculous. Ask you DS what he thinks. At 13 he should see the illogic and come up with a “reward” he prefers that doesn’t involve skipping school.

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 10/09/2021 00:43

Your DS can probably spell/type better than I can, too 🙄

MsPavlichenko · 10/09/2021 00:45

It’s ludicrous, and about control , suggesting you decide. It is not about rewarding your DC although it does remind me of an alcoholic friend who “rewarded “ themselves for not drinking at an event/ occasion by binge drinking afterwards.

Look online at the Freedom Programme, and think about what you want for you and your Dc going forward.

Mintjulia · 10/09/2021 00:48

You decide no then. Your DP is a manipulative prat and a poor parent.

How do you put up with that?

Notimeforaname · 10/09/2021 00:50

What a stupid idea

TwoLeftElbows · 10/09/2021 01:08

Wow that is literally like buying a big slice of chocolate cake for a friend who's dieting.

However he can't make it your decision. Say you think he should be in school - legal obligations and all - but if DP wants to take him out that's up to him and not your decision. You're not going to give your blessing, if he takes him out he needs to own it. And if he starts on "well mum says you should be in school so I'm not allowed to take you" you reiterate that yes of course he should be in school, you all know that, but DP is a grown adult and DS's parent and if he decides DS is not going, that's up to him.

MadinMarch · 10/09/2021 01:08

It's a ridiculous idea!
DS only went back to school on Monday. Covid has disrupted most kids eduction for the last 18 months. Why on earth would you agree to him having a day off for no good reason?
Education is so important and DS won't be able to achieve his best if he doesn't attend.

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2021 01:10

I don’t allow my partner to play the bad guy. Tell your partner this isn’t ok. Tell ds it’s up to him if he thinks it’s the right thing to do. Also tell ds about some other plan that will be fun for him that his dad will do for him that inconveniences him eg dp taking him and a friend to something fun when dp would usually do a hobby.

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2021 01:11

Sorry- my partner to make me the bad guy who has to say no.

Susannahmoody · 10/09/2021 01:16

Yeah, it's not the best tbh

enragedhedgehog · 10/09/2021 01:27

Well done to your son for going in, his dad is a twat though, why is he encouraging his child not to go to school on the rare occasion he has.

He hasn't even let his son get a full week in before encouraging him to skip it. Why can't he have taken him out on a weekend day?

TrishM80 · 10/09/2021 01:30

That's a dick move, he should have run it past you first before saying anything to your son.

NiceGerbil · 10/09/2021 01:40

How much time does he tend to not go in and how long has it been going on?

I assume the school have asked or in touch with you about him not wanting to go and having time off?

I would say your DH approach all round is not good.

Saying yeah you can have tomorrow off if you like is not really helping with the attendance issue.

Saying it's up to you is shitty.

So if he goes he gets a treat from dad and if he wants to stay off dad says fine but if mum says no then no treat...

Surely the treat should have been today and well done etc. And certainly not putting the idea of tomorrow off in his head.

ShagMeRiggins · 10/09/2021 02:04

Say no. It doesn’t matter if it makes you look like the bad guy. Being a good parent is doing what is best for your child.

I’m the mother of a school refuser and it has taken over a year to get every support available to us in place to get back to school. It’s a slippery slope. Don’t be me.

As a side note, your partner’s suggestions is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard—there are probably a dozen ways to reinforce this positive step from your son than to reward him by preventing him from doing what it was you want to reward him for. Just reading that is so confusing I can’t even imagine what’s going through your son’s head.

me4real · 10/09/2021 02:05

???

By doing this your partner would be making attending school a matter for debate rather than a thing which happens on school days unless you're really ill, making your son more likely to try and get out of going more often.

It's really daft.

And isn't it kind of illegal? Or at least, frowned upon.

Your partner saying it's up to you is playing at being your son's friend rather than dad, over an issue where your son is already struggling to do as he should.

SD1978 · 10/09/2021 02:06

That's utterly ridiculous. Because he's gone to school, he can have a day off school?!

OneMoreStitch · 10/09/2021 02:57

Let him miss a day of school as a reward for going to school...? Confused

Your partner has some very strange ideas. He's wrong to make you the bad guy. He's wrong to send mixed messages about the importance of your son's education. He's just wrong.

I don't see how giving a 13-year-old (who already doesn't like school, apparently) a day off school could possibly make him more enthusiastic about school. Reward him, fine, but do so in the evening (after homework!) or at the weekend. Not during the school-day!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2021 03:21

Doesn’t sound as if your dp is much of a critical thinker. Rewarding a child for going back to school by getting him to bunk off for a jolly. He’s just had 7 bloody weeks to take your ds for said jolly. Why didn’t this happen? It sounds most odd.

My dd is the same age and if my dh tried doing that with dd I’d think he was losing the plot. What a ridiculous thing to make you into the bad guy. Have you said this to your ds and what does he think? At 13 he is old enough to take responsibility for his learning.

BeachDrifting · 10/09/2021 03:28

I couldn’t be with a man like this. We wouldn’t be compatible. He is an absolute twat. It’s not your job to pacify or facilitate his life. Say no then tell him to pack his bags. Bizarre behaviour. Immature, weird, abnormal. How can you bear being with him.