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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being unfair by saying it's up to me?

130 replies

inyu · 10/09/2021 00:33

DS is 13, he went back to school on Monday.

DP has told me he wants to take DS out tomorrow as a treat for him going back to school ok (he normally refuses), he's told DS he doesn't have to go to school tomorrow but it's up to me, so if I say he does it makes me look like the bad guy!

DP will be working at the weekend so they can't do anything then, but they could next weekend!

How would you feel about this? AIBU to think this is unfair for DP to do and now I have to say yes?

OP posts:
Anycrispsleft · 10/09/2021 05:24

No wonder your DS refuses school if that's his dad's attitude!

You're not being the bad guy. Honestly usually I try not to have these sorts of conversations in front of the kids but this time I would say to your son he has to go in and I would try to explain why I thought taking the day off was a bad idea - that every day he misses makes it harder when he has to go back in and catch up. And I would be honest in not being impressed with your DH. I think sometimes with older kids, if you're just honest about it, they appreciate being treated like an equal. The boy must know himself, how hard it is going in again when the whole class is ahead of you.

daytripper28 · 10/09/2021 05:33

Your dear partner is a dick. HTH.

OurMamInHavianas · 10/09/2021 05:34

Your DP sounds a bit thick or is trying to sabotage his son’s education.
Is your DP an underachiever who doesn’t want his son to do better than him? Or does DP have no friends, and needs DS for company, or doesn’t want him to be at school regularly in order to make friends?

Your poor DS. You need to be the parent here.

daytripper28 · 10/09/2021 05:34

And why can't he take him out after school?

FlamesEmbersAshes · 10/09/2021 05:37

Your partner is being a dick.

And as for rewarding a child for going to school with a day off school….wtf?

Cattitudes · 10/09/2021 05:43

I would suggest modifying it to he picks him up after school (at a decent distance) and they do something fun for a few hours then a meal out/ takeaway.

Pollypudding · 10/09/2021 05:43

You DP has shown some very poor judgement in this situation. Both in thinking this an appropriate reward and in telling your DS before discussing the idea with you.
Please don’t compound his error with agreeing. I hope you are able to have a good conversation with DS and he does not see you as the bad guy YANBU

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2021 05:46

That’s an unbelievable dickhead move. He’s rewarding a school refuser with a day off school , making not going in a treat,making it a good thing in his sons head? Wtf does that?

He has to carry through now or he’s going to make the situation a lot worse, but bloody hell, there are so many rewards he could have given him it’s mind boggling he chose a day off school as the reward.

MyOtherProfile · 10/09/2021 05:53

Is there a specific reason why your Ds needs a reward for going back to school? Has he been a school refuser until now? MH issues maybe?

If not, he doesn't really need a big treat just for going back. An ice-cream at a cafe after school would be more appropriate.

Billybagpuss · 10/09/2021 05:56

Absolutely gobsmacked he’d put you in that position and it is like rewarding an alcoholic with a drink. It says it’s ok to miss school and it’s really not.

BorderlineHappy · 10/09/2021 06:03

Is it just me that reads it like he doesn't actually want to bring him anywhere nice
It's a gesture he knows he won't have to go through with as the op will say no.

I'd say yes to spite him.

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2021 06:06

Does your partner often try to make you the bad guy with your son? It’s very manipulative behaviour

shouldistop · 10/09/2021 06:20

So your dp thinks school is optional, no wonder your ds doesn't usually want to go. Is dp usually this dim?

DancesWithTortoises · 10/09/2021 06:23

What a prick.

Ibizan · 10/09/2021 06:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceAbsolum · 10/09/2021 06:28

Insane. Is he well?

Lanique · 10/09/2021 06:29

Good god. Surely the reward should come at the end of the week, on the Friday evening, or the weekend, for a whole week of attendance? Or is that too much effort for dp? A cinema trip perhaps, or bowling? Op can you turn this around at all and offer something for after today that he enjoys, a shopping trip perhaps? Unfortunately your dick head dp has put you in a ridiculous position here.

CircleofWillis · 10/09/2021 06:31

Tell your DP that he should tell your son he has changed plans and they are going out after school instead. Nothing to do with you at all. As others have said, he is a complete idiot for suggesting bunking off school as a reward for - not bunking off school.
(BTW I know school refusal is not just 'bunking off')

JustJustWhy · 10/09/2021 06:33

As someone who both works with and has lived with a school refuser there is absolutely no logic whatsoever in this plan. The hardest thing is to get them over the threshold. The psychology behind rewarding this massive achievement (and if he's anything like school refusers I know it will have taken a lot of emotional effort on the part of your son to go in) is by...removing him from school is a cruel head-game.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 10/09/2021 06:34

I'd quite merrily be the bad guy here as it's a ridiculous idea with very mixed messages. Maybe you should suggest your DP bunks off work at the weekend to do it instead so they realise how stupid a request it is.

ejhhhhh · 10/09/2021 06:43

I think if you're trying to get your DS to go to school, presumably that's because you both think going to school is important. Having a day off for "treat" isn't a very good idea, it sends mixed messages. If your DH wants to treat him, surely he can come up with something better? Or wait until a weekend when he is off or half-term? And it is bang out of order to make you the bad guy, he's not a child, he's a parent responsible for decisions too. I think your DH needs to explain that on reflection it isn't a great idea, but that's it's a decision he's made, and leave you out of it.

SMabbutt · 10/09/2021 06:44

Tell your DS he's made such a great start to the school year getting himself to school all week will be something to be proud of. It's not really a good idea to spoil his 100% attendance and undo his efforts his efforts at this point for the sake of one day but you do want to reward his achievement
So you will take him out somewhere nice on Saturday with a friend if he wants - more fun having a mate along - and his dad will take home for a takeaway or something after school today.

Hopefully this emphasises the importance of commitment and you are still the good guy.

lannistunut · 10/09/2021 06:47

Oh dear, your partner has been unreasonable here, he has to talk with you first and he can;t use you as a scapegoat.

Feel a bit sorry for your DS, as this is confusing and unsettling for him.

freshFortunes · 10/09/2021 06:50

Your DP is a fucking idiot. That's like rewarding a heroin addict for being clean for 5 days by giving them heroin. Can he not see how fucking stupid that is? He can be rewarded on Saturday. And to say it is up to you is a total dick move too.

DontBeAHaterDear · 10/09/2021 06:50

Your partner is so many kinds of stupid. Or he’s incredibly manipulative by making you the bad guy if you do the sane, sensible thing and point out this special treat can wait until an actual weekend in the not too distant future, as well as manipulating your child into not taking his attendance seriously and by extension, his education. It’s the sort of tactic my ex would use and he is a nasty and vindictive shit head. Your partner might just be a fucking idiot though.

What’s your partner usually like? Is he usually a dickhead? Is this the first time he’s ever had an idea like this?