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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being unfair by saying it's up to me?

130 replies

inyu · 10/09/2021 00:33

DS is 13, he went back to school on Monday.

DP has told me he wants to take DS out tomorrow as a treat for him going back to school ok (he normally refuses), he's told DS he doesn't have to go to school tomorrow but it's up to me, so if I say he does it makes me look like the bad guy!

DP will be working at the weekend so they can't do anything then, but they could next weekend!

How would you feel about this? AIBU to think this is unfair for DP to do and now I have to say yes?

OP posts:
LadyCatStark · 10/09/2021 07:52

So he wants to reward your DS for going to school by not sending him to school?? What kind of message will this send to DS?!

takehomepay · 10/09/2021 07:53

Is he thick? He sounds thick.

Di11y · 10/09/2021 07:56

The idea of taking him out is bonkers. If DH has the day off can't he take him to do something nice after school? E.g cinema or milkshake or something?

sonsmum · 10/09/2021 08:05

with a father who places value on a day off school so casually and who plays one parents off against another and has no apparent thought of any consequence of these actions, I think your son needs all the help he can get in life, so send to school!!!! Absences equate to lack of learning, and should be kept to a minimum. This absence (and accompanying poor paternal attitude to learning) will damage your son's chances in life.

EmeraldShamrock · 10/09/2021 08:16

You're pee'ing against the wind with this guy in terms of parenting.

RedToothBrush · 10/09/2021 08:19

Is your DP your sons partner and does he have parental responsibility?

If not he should be butting out completely and not making such promises because its you who has the responsibility to send your son to school.

Telling him stuff like this puts you at risk of fines and says that school doesn't really matter and can be negotiable.

It is complusory and non negotiable.

You should not be giving rewards for doing what he should be doing anyway. It only rewards the bad behaviour.

Tal45 · 10/09/2021 08:20

Tell your DP that he's a dick to think taking DS out of school to celebrate him going back ok is in any way a clever idea. Tell DP that he needs to sort this mess out and tell DS that there's been a change of plan and he's got an absolutely AMAZING day planned for him for next weekend instead (making sure he has already planned, booked and paid for something amazing for them to do).

Lalliella · 10/09/2021 08:22

Your DP is a twat. Is he DS’s dad? He shouldn’t be giving DS the message that school isn’t important and that he can be rewarded for going to school by missing school. I wouldn’t normally say this but why don’t your trump DP’s treat with an even bigger treat at the weekend for going to school today?

HollowTalk · 10/09/2021 08:25

I think your partner should receive a really heavy fine from school for this.

BoredZelda · 10/09/2021 08:39

You shouldn’t have been put in that situation, it should have been a discussion.

But, it is also clear that people on here actually have no idea about what “school refusal” is and how best to deal with it.

Jumpingintosummer · 10/09/2021 08:39

I’m assuming it’s too late but for what it’s worth your partner just played a dick move.

Cinema, bowling, go karting, shopping centre, restaurants etc all open after school. A day off for a school refuser is a slippery slope.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 10/09/2021 08:41

Has he offered something that he knows you'll say no to meaning he gets to be the fun one without actually having to do anything?

Tbh I'd say yes, sounds great.
You'll be able to tell right away if he actually meant what he said
And one day makes fuck all difference with the last nearly 2 years.

SpeakingFranglais · 10/09/2021 08:48

I would be very angry, you DP is an idiot.

Ducksurprise · 10/09/2021 08:53

It's worse actually than just one day, if he misses today it more likely to cause anxiety for Monday (what have I missed, what have my friends been doing, what will the teachers say etc)

So agree partner is a dick.

Ella one of mine goes back today for first day, two went yesterday.

Rollmopsrule · 10/09/2021 08:56

No way! Rewarding him for going back to school by taking him out of school? Doesn't make sense and they've been out of school too much lately. I'd say no without a shared of guilt.

silverbubbles · 10/09/2021 09:03

He went back to school on monday and is having friday off as a treat???????????

OMFG

vdbfamily · 10/09/2021 09:13

kids finish school at 3 ISH. Is that not plenty time to go for a treat with dad. Cinema, bowling, meal... what was he planning. It is nice for a dad to think of rewarding soon with a great but not missing school for it!

knittingaddict · 10/09/2021 09:19

So your son is a school refuser (have I got that right?) and your partner's idea of a reward for going to school is to take him out of school for a day? Absolutely bonkers and that's before the stuff about him being Disney dad and you being the bad guy.

knittingaddict · 10/09/2021 09:21

How can this be real?

BFCfairy · 10/09/2021 09:31

OMG this is out of order. What's that teaching DS?

Id say no and explain to DS why and be clear I loved him but it was a firm NO.

Cant get my head around it's framed as a treat and school been in a week!! I could probably support a mental health/rest day after loads of exams or something.

DP is thick.. agree with other poster summed it up well.

It would wind me up I was in a relationship with him if he thought this is a good idea.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/09/2021 09:34

That's like rewarding a child for brushing their teeth, by letting them eat sweets before bed and not brush. Why would you do that?

Such a fucking stupid thing to do. (I mean, such a mixed, confusing message, setting up missing school as the ultimate aspiration. but honestly, fucking stupid).

He should have checked with you before offering it to your DS. Obviously.

I think I would have to say no and say DP was just getting carried away because he was so impressed and keen to show that and to reward DS. Then come up with a more suitable reward - can you book a day out he'd like for a weekend day when your DP is available, in the near future? Or a dinner out one evening?

iseeu · 10/09/2021 09:35

I wouldn't say yes. I would say it was a bonkers idea and explain why.

A treat planned for a future weekend or halfterm s a nice idea though as long, as he remembers and follows through.

RantyAunty · 10/09/2021 09:36

Of course you don't have to say yes.
You do what is best for your DS and that means he goes to school.

Your DP can take Saturday off for a jolly since showing up and doing your job isn't that important to DP.

Have you thought your DP is part of the reason for school refusal.

5lilducks · 10/09/2021 09:41

Oh dear, he hasn't thought that one through has he? As a reward for going into school he's willing to let your ds miss school for a day for a jolly. YANBU , tell him that in future he must run things by you first , before he makes stupid suggestions like this to your ds. He's going to have to be the bad guy when he says he has changed his mind and they can't go as planned and that they will have to go next weekend when he is off.

bigbaggyeyes · 10/09/2021 09:42

WTF, he wants to take dc out of school as a reward for going to school. Does he not realise how ridiculous that sounds.

Personally I'd say no, he can take dc out on the weekend for a treat. No wonder you have issues getting dc to school if their Dad is happy to pull him out at a moments notice, then how are your dc expected to realise how important it is.

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