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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being unfair by saying it's up to me?

130 replies

inyu · 10/09/2021 00:33

DS is 13, he went back to school on Monday.

DP has told me he wants to take DS out tomorrow as a treat for him going back to school ok (he normally refuses), he's told DS he doesn't have to go to school tomorrow but it's up to me, so if I say he does it makes me look like the bad guy!

DP will be working at the weekend so they can't do anything then, but they could next weekend!

How would you feel about this? AIBU to think this is unfair for DP to do and now I have to say yes?

OP posts:
Heifer · 10/09/2021 09:51

Is your DP normally such a dickhead?

How on earth is it a good idea to reward your DS for going to school by taking him out of school?! Next time your DS doesn't fancy it, you won't have a leg to stand on.

Also very mean of your DP to put you in that position. Things like this should always be discussed with both parents before being mentioned to your DS, you could have then knocked it right on the head at that point.

Say no, rubbish idea, don't let DS decide, you are the parent (the 1 sensible 1).

Original poster
inyu · 10/09/2021 09:53

DS’ School refusal is mainly down to anxiety, he has been doing well this week so I was planning to reward him tomorrow.

This morning DS was refusing to go, probably due to DP! But he eventually did go. If he had the treat today (don't know what it was, but I'm sure they can do it another weekend!) I don't think he would've gone on Monday.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/09/2021 09:55

He’s totally out of order!

Also, taking a child out of school as a reward for going to school makes no sense.

mafted · 10/09/2021 10:14

taking a child out of school as a reward for going to school makes no sense.

It was a standard thing when I was at school. The pupils who had poor attendance were put on a programme and if they turned up on time for so many weeks they got a trip to a theme park. While us chumps who turned up every day got bugger all Hmm

In the case of the OP rewarding is probably a good idea but maybe need to be thought through more.

DontBeAHaterDear · 10/09/2021 10:59

@inyu

DS’ School refusal is mainly down to anxiety, he has been doing well this week so I was planning to reward him tomorrow.

This morning DS was refusing to go, probably due to DP! But he eventually did go. If he had the treat today (don't know what it was, but I'm sure they can do it another weekend!) I don't think he would've gone on Monday.

I’m glad your son went in today- massive sympathies to you- I had similar issues with my daughter last school year and I can honestly say the best course of action is to keep on keeping on- no breaks from routine, if it’s school day and he’s not very unwell he goes in. If you give in to him and he senses weakness it’s back to square one.

I hope he keeps on going and it gets easier for him and for you and he gets to have his treat, but yes it can wait for a non school day!

EmeraldShamrock · 10/09/2021 14:43

OP I'd have a long look at your partner's behaviour towards your child he is enabling him.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves Ah ha, love the username brings back great memories of annoying older siblings.

CorianderBee · 10/09/2021 19:31

So he's rewarding school attendance with non attendance? That's fucking stupid and cruel to make you be the bad guy.

Murdoch1949 · 11/09/2021 17:58

Keeping a child off school for anything other than illness or a family emergency is a total no no. Allowing someone who has been a school refuser to take a day off is ludicrous. Will you lie to the school, as this is an unauthorised absence? What message does it send your son, days off are ok? This makes it hard for the school, which will be trying to encourage excellent attendance. You need to be supporting the school not allowing days off for spurious reasons. Is this your and your partner's attitude to work, do you take day's off for no good reason? This is a slippery slope you're on.

nanagerry · 11/09/2021 18:20

Personally I think your partner is setting a bad example by allowing your son to stay off school and I would have to tell him so. School is not optional and the sooner your son gets used to that concept the better.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 11/09/2021 18:27

@inyu

DS’ School refusal is mainly down to anxiety, he has been doing well this week so I was planning to reward him tomorrow.

This morning DS was refusing to go, probably due to DP! But he eventually did go. If he had the treat today (don't know what it was, but I'm sure they can do it another weekend!) I don't think he would've gone on Monday.

He wants to reward your child for going to school by letting him miss school????

That is really strange parenting!

Bard6817 · 11/09/2021 18:41

It’s up to your DP…. and if he takes him out of school, it’s all on him.

Personally think the whole thing is a bit warped, and whilst the going out sentiment is nice, the rest of its bonkers.

Jeannie88 · 11/09/2021 18:46

First week back and encouraging him to take a day off school? That's just ridiculous, very poor example to set so you're being unreasonable at all! I mean, really, what is he thinking? X

Madamum18 · 11/09/2021 18:56

Taking a day off the day after he has gone back is ridiculous. And putting it on you is ridiculous too!

Fifipopopo · 11/09/2021 19:08

School finishes at half three FGS! Why can't he pick him up and do something then?

BoredZelda · 11/09/2021 19:15

Keeping a child off school for anything other than illness or a family emergency is a total no no.

Another one who doesn’t understand what school refusal is.

mumofthemonsters808 · 11/09/2021 19:16

This is why we constantly get letters from school preaching the importance of attendance, there are still parents who think they can opt in and out, when it suits.Your Son had just had 6 weeks off and his learning has already taken a hammering due to COVID.If your Partner worked for months on the oil rigs or returned home once a year from Australia,, your boy should still go to school.Does your partner think attendance is optional in the workplace?, you need to nip this in the bud now or else your boy will be in for a very rude awakening,.

ellyeth · 11/09/2021 19:23

He only started back on Monday! I understand that it is supposed to be a reward for going to school but that reward should wait until there is a free weekend. I would prefer to be "the bad guy" than to collude with this silly idea but your partner really needs to run things like this past you before voicing them to your son.

Kent01 · 11/09/2021 19:25

The first week of school is extremely important because it sets the expectation of students and staff of behaviour, work ethic, friendships and routine.
Why an earth would any parent want to disrupt this?
If I was this boys form tutor and I knew he had a fun day off it would colour my opinion of him and his parents. I’d think they thought school and education were not important. I’d be miffed that I’d have to explain all the work he missed for no good reason. How could I praise him for the effort he made to attend?
I’m a teacher who has responsibility for students who have poor attendance and have to put in place strategies to help them . Having a fun day off gives the wrong message to the student and the school .

notanotherjacketpotato · 11/09/2021 19:53

I'm glad he went to school. It may only seem like one day to your DP but with the problems your ds has been having there are bound to be days where he genuinely doesn't feel up to going. It seems absolutely bonkers to take him out of school on a day he could have gone in.

And a ridiculous reward! Reward him tomorrow when he's done a week!

Happyher · 11/09/2021 20:04

We’ll done for sticking to your guns. Who did DP think was going to ring the school and lie about his absence? Not a good example to set a child.

Angrywife · 11/09/2021 20:47

@MsPavlichenko

It’s ludicrous, and about control , suggesting you decide. It is not about rewarding your DC although it does remind me of an alcoholic friend who “rewarded “ themselves for not drinking at an event/ occasion by binge drinking afterwards.

Look online at the Freedom Programme, and think about what you want for you and your Dc going forward.

Wow!!! That's one heck of a leap.
Mollymoostoo · 11/09/2021 21:14

You do know it is leagl requirement to attend school and you could end up with a criminal record for him not attending right?
I used to be an Education Welfare Officer and prosecuted parents under the Education Act. You need to make it clear that you do not agree with this and explain to DP that as you have PR, you will be held responsible and could end up in court with a fine as a minimum.

Mollymoostoo · 11/09/2021 21:16

@BoredZelda

Keeping a child off school for anything other than illness or a family emergency is a total no no.

Another one who doesn’t understand what school refusal is.

This isnt about school refusal, it is about OP's partner allowing their son a day off as a reward. This is not acceptable and could lead to legal action being taken against them.
Beline4u · 11/09/2021 22:47

Hang on, your DP is unwilling to take a day off at the weekend to spend with your son BUR wants your son to take a day off school to suit his schedule? What an idiotic suggestion!! Then leave you to be the "bad guy"..

Sorry... but seriously.. is he normally this selfish?

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 11/09/2021 23:05

Your son has to go to school, it's the law - simple as that.

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