To ask why you finished a friendship?

[hahahayoumustbejoking]

Seems a lot of friendships going to the wall on MN. Got me thinking of ones I've ended.

1. When I was 19 and poor I showed an older and well off friend at college a bag in a shop I adored. Said I was saving up for it and even though it would take another few months I had my heart set on it. She turned up with it at college on the Monday, breezily swinging it on her arm. Never the same after that.

1. Had a niche holiday planned with a friend who then changed her mind and we cancelled and the whole thing fizzled out. Found out later she'd gone with others to the same venue instead.

1. Saw friend coming on to my then boyfriend (now DH). He was oblivious but I'd seen her do this to others. Desperate to be the most sexually attractive person to every man. Just thought 'can't be arsed with this anymore".

Anyone else got examples worth sharing?

I have one currently who I might just let fade away and it's really making me very sad. She's been a genuinely good friend to me in the past, as I have to her ,but over the last few years she's just not been the same. I long felt she was struggling and have tried to be supportive etc. But I'm increasingly thinking it's actually something to do with her DH and that for some reason, after 20 years, he's taken against me (and/or my DH). As a result, she makes little to no effort, we're always at the bottom of the list etc. Of course, that is entirely her right, but it's reaching the point where for my own mental health I think I just have to let it disappear.

I’m going through the process of finishing one now helped, in part, by a MN thread a few weeks ago that made me realise that these people weren’t really good friends to me.

I was in a friendship group of 4, and two of the others were thick as thieves. Then they had a huge fight and vowed to never speak again. The remaining two have ghosted me. It’s like they both need to have a close/clingy best friend and didn’t need me as a good but slightly removed friend. Once when we were out one accidentally let slip that they’d had the other round for dinner.

A needy friend who I used to invite on group nights out so she could meet others. A few times she made a scene, accused some really nice people of being nasty to her and brought conflict between me and some genuinely nice people.
Another who, since childhood had tried to ridicule or harm me in some way. (She was troubled at home). I havent got time for this anymore and am much happier.
I do think some friendships have a finite timeline and we should value the good times but then move on when each others lives/values change. Social media seems to draw out friendships and turn some of them sour in the end.

I ended a friendship when I reliezed she was using me for money and it went on going up her nose.

Other than that I just let things slide and distance myself especially if they are the gossipy type. Can't stand it.

I have a chronic illness and got COVID. Everyone was bricking it - me, husband, my consultants (who actually seemed the group most convinced I was going to die, har). And this one “friend” kept sending me utter Facebook shite about how if I just juiced certain vegetables or whatever, I’d be fine. So I asked her to cool it on sending me these (unhelpful, totally unscientific) videos, and she would NOT stop - 10 fecking videos a day about the best fecking banana to beat COVID. She even sent me an article about someone with my SPECIFIC condition who died with COVID - I can only imagine what she was thinking?!? I just gave up and blocked her. I was pretty ill, and I just couldn’t be arsed. And reader, I did not touch a banana.

@PopsicleHustler

Another ridiculous one.

There are two mums I stand with on the school playground.
Both are Muslim like me. However I am white and they are both Pakistani. We all met around the same time and they both talk very good english with me, very fluent and so on, so it's not like they struggle. But then they stop talking english and start talking urdu. At first, I was like ok, but they would be saying my name and then saying words in their language and then laughing. In the end I took a step back. I really didn't like it because we would all stand together and then they would start talking a different language. And I would just stand there feeling odd. And then the last day of school one of them asked me can she take some pictures of my children on her phone and send them back to Pakistan. I told her no, I dont think so I dont want my children's photos passed to strangers. She got in a huff and stormed off. I dont know if I was being precious about not wanting my children's photos sent to strangers in Pakistan. But it was just odd, how I said no sorry and she flounced off, furious. I have been acting like she doesnt exist in the last few days since the kids have started school again and I have to see her outside my dd class.

Just wanted to ask what people thought about that, would you be happy to stand with your group of mum friends at the school playground and they speak perfectly good english to you but then start speaking in another language and use your name and laughing. And then the picture thing ? Am I unreasonable here?

Your description of these people in your posts shows them to be truly awful. But as much as they are ghastly people for the dreadful way they treated you, you tolerated wayyyyy more than any person with healthy boundaries and self esteem would. I'm only mentioning this as you don't seem to recognise you are expecting far too little respect (asking here if you are being unreasonable) and I think users recognise this as a useful vulnerability and you are going to be open to this kind of mistreatment again unless you can un-doormat and draw a line much earlier. I hope you can get some help (would counselling be a good idea?) to get to a point where anyone trying on this kind of dis-respectful behaviour is given no time attention or, as seems to be your way, any more secondy-millionth chances.

I've never actively finished one, as in said to the other person "I don't want to see you any more."

I've stopped chasing someone who temporarily dumped/ghosted me but would then meet me only if I suggested it. She was quite needy and dramatic and in the end I just thought "why am I so desperate to revive this friendship when she just guilt trips me nearly every time I see her?" So I'm not sure who technically ended it, but I wanted it to end.

Friend and her closer group tried to set me up years ago when I was overweight with a bloke I wasn’t interested in and tried to make me fe guilty when I rejected him! Also treated me badly when I took her out on a day trip

I love the MN friendship threads because personally I think friendships are more difficult than relationships- you know you have to finish a relationship no matter how hard but with friendships it’s much more unusual to actually ‘finish’ iyswim which can lead to the ‘grey area’ of them contacting you to ask what’s wrong and not being able to accept boundaries etc - friendships much more tricky to negotiate etc

Currently drifting away from 30 year best-friendship because said 'friend' blanked me when my Dad died. Bought flowers to my house when she knew I wasn't there, boo-hoo'd to DH about being a sh*t friend but told everyone else how she was 'there for me' when she was anything but. Suddenly dawned on me that our friendship had been based on nursing her dramas. Feel very strangely unaffected that she's not been in my life for a year.

One the friendship has always been volatile, she was the type you had to walk on eggshells around as she was always easily upset, and very self centred. I'd forgiven her so often, though I'm fairly certain she always saw it as her doing the forgiving. Eg. She once wrote me a letter telling me I'd betrayed her because she had an important show on that I told her I couldn't make, but she knew I'd actually been at my dad's house and could have come to see her. I'd gone to my dad's house to drop my baby off so that I could go support DH at his grandmother's funeral.

It all came to a head though when she had an affair that she expected me to keep secret for her.

I occasionally regretted losing that friendship, until a few years ago completely out of the blue her and her new partner decided to get into an argument with me online (I didn't realise she'd been hate following me on twitter), and the partner said something that suggested they'd possibly been spreading rumours started by an abusive ex of mine. The tweets suggesting it were rapidly deleted, so I think they knew they were in the wrong.

Neediness and flakiness from one friend burnt me out eventually, she was unreliable, demanding, and not really appreciative or reciprocally generous. I felt stomped on after years of being nice to what I realise now was a narcissist flake.
Another friend was just too critical of everyone and superficial, I felt sure if she was like that about everyone while talking to me, she’d be like that behind my back, too.

So, lack of trust, really. Once the trust has gone the friendship dies.

I also have backed away from two friends who have a tendency toward aggressive attitudes, like they have too much of an edge for me, I can’t cope with it. That is my fragility showing.

Had a 'friend' 10 years ago who expected me to drop everything at the last minute to meet up with them (was mature student and XBF was going through bad time and needed me) and would get pissed off if I couldn't. Also was trying to start their own business and expected me to help with canvassing, for free. Ringing up constantly so I had to have phone switched off (at that time it was Illegal to black numbers). Final straw was ringing me up asking me to donate money for the business (despite having just brought a 3d tv and going abroad a lot). Told them no and just ghosted them. I know ghosting isn't nice but neither was she. So selfish and was always cheating on her husband. Occasionally Bump into her. Still same selfish bore.

Another friendship killer for me is reading my messages on WhatsApp and Facebook messenger but still not responding. Disrespectful in itself but I can forgive it on its on. Really hate it when people ignore me but still forward spam to my email, tag me in things I'm not directly involved in, forwarding stupid videos to my messenger and badgering me to like their businesses on FB. VERY DISRESPECTFUL. I just delete them.

@drpet49 exactly and when I said to them I don't understand urdu, they said sorry we cant break our habit and continue talking and laughing
And I just sort of just shuffle off to the side.

My husband is actually from a different country (Nigeria) and he speaks to his family in English in front of me. He said it would be rude otherwise, because then I can understand and join in the conversation. I actually understand majority of it now so I wouldn't mind either way but he says it's a respect and courtesy thing.

I dont speak to the one who asked to take pictures of the children and then stormed off because I said no. But the other one spoke to me yesterday asking if i had a good summer holiday break.

She just bored me to tears and expected me to arrange everything. We'd go to a show or concert and she'd spend the whole time talking through it so I just stopped contact. Another friend was late for everything. Always over an hour late so we'd miss films, restaurant bookings etc I was a wuss and didn't tell her to her face but wrote her a letter (this was before the era of texting) telling her that the friendship was over.

I use the term "friendship" very loosely here.

A friend I used to have:

Constantly gaslighted me (very overused term but was told it happened to me by a psychologist)

Would criticise and put me down at every opportunity.

Put my life at risk by deliberately speeding and swerving across the road laughing while she did it. She ended up losing control of the car and luckily we only ended up in a small ditch with no damage. I was shaking and angry at her and she laughed at me and told me to get over it and called me a loser.

Would tell me I'm fat and that she was telling me for my own good because I needed to know (like I'm not aware of what I look like!) when I told her the comments were inappropriate she told me that I'm always so sensitive and if I didn't stop being so sensitive I'd be a loser my whole life. I pointed out to her that she wasn't so perfect either and she got angry with me and told me that I'm always so insensitive and I needed to learn how to treat people with more sensitivity - despite telling me 5 minutes earlier that I'm always too sensitive.

She had issues with everyone in her life. Every job she had there would be an issue with someone, according to her they were all useless and she always had to show them what to do including her bosses because she new more than they did.

When she would message me if I didn't reply pretty much straight away she would send constant abusive texts one after the other.

If I made plans with other people she would tell me they weren't my real friends and that only she was and I shouldn't have too much fun with them because it wouldn't last. Other times she would get angry with me because I had gone out with other people and not her and this meant I was a very bad friend who only thought about myself.

Every conversation was about herself and if I tried to change the topic and tell her about something that had happened to me she'd cut me off after a couple of minutes and say 'yeah that's great, anyway back to me'.

She would get angry if I disagreed with her about anything no matter what the topic. She once got angry with me and screamed at me for half an hour telling me I was wrong and stupid and I didn't know what I was talking about. My crime? I didn't like a movie that she did. Yes seriously. Unfortunately I couldn't walk away as we were in her car driving.

When I was going through really really bad depression and other things (which turned out to be psychosis and mania) she told me I was a loser and to get over it. When I told her I needed space she constantly called and messaged me over and over again saying just get over it and come out. The more I ignored her the more abusive she got.

I kept ignoring her hoping she'd give up and go away. The messages continued for several weeks/months (memory is hazy) but I never responded to them. Final message from her was telling me that I was nothing but a pathetic loser and that I was the most selfish self-centred person she had ever met and that she was ending the friendship because she couldn't have someone who was mentally ill like me in her life.

This is only a very short list of all the things she did. But I'm so happy to have her out of my life and never again will I let her or anyone with similar behaviour into my life again.

I used to meet once a year with two friends from our uni days. We messaged once a month. But since I had kids, it kind of faded away, no card or acknowledgement. One had a baby, I sent her a gift. We met a couple more times (always for a meal and drinks) before I let them down on the last day of meeting up. I couldn't face meeting up with them anymore. It wasn't local to me, we all had nothing to talk about. I'd listen to them moan and groan and thought how I wished I was back at home. Realised that our friendship was based on uni life and that we have nothing in common. Best to let it die.

My partner of ten years was diagnosed with an acute and rapid onset cancer which has a very high mortality rate. We didn’t know if my partner would die - it was very serious. Rang to tell a girl who was a mutual close friend of both of ours, and when I had finished telling her about it, she then proceeded to spend 40 minutes telling me how difficult it was for her that she’d recently moved jobs and didn’t get on with her new boss. She lived ten minutes by bus from the hospital (where my partner was for the next ten months). I worked three minutes’ walk from her office and lived ten minutes’ walk away. She never so much as emailed me or contacted me the whole time my partner was in hospital, or visited, or did anything. When my partner was finally released from hospital after ten months of chemo and near-death ICU survival, she emailed suggesting we go out for drinks to celebrate her (new) new job

Good grief. So glad you ditched this emotional vampire. Good riddance.

Friend had an incredibly badly behaved child, which wasn't the issue in itself but that she wouldn't take any responsibility or act on it at all, and in several situations let me take charge and do the parenting which I had to for hers and my kids' safety. Really pissed me off.

Another one I was friends with for years but she was very, very selfish and dramatic - eg she'd stand me up without explanation, or be an hour late, but if I was 5 minutes late she'd storm off. I fell out with her badly but we reconciled - I did love her, she was funny and clever. But finally she got this new bloke who I just couldn't hit it off with and that tipped me over the edge, I just couldn't be doing with dealing with her, and I think having new bloke, she just spent more time with him and friendship died a death.

Emotional drainage.

Her boyfriend has always made it clear he has no interest in marriage or babies, both of which she wants. Instead of moving on and finding someone else, she stayed and become an emotional drain on our friendship constantly going on about it. Took a passing interest in what was going on in my life before every conversation going back to the same repeated issue.

She's still with him. I feel sorry for her, but no regrets about stepping away.

I had a friend that I would jokingly refer to as "my misogynistic friend", until one day I realised it wasn't a joke and I was utterly sick of his bullshit.

When I’ve realised the friendship was unbalanced. I was just there for support. Seems to be a pattern for me.

Had an affair with my husband then claimed I was paranoid

Seeing as he's still with her now I don't think I was paranoid some how.

Long term friend since school. Always been a bit unreliable and flakey but good company.
DH and I supported her through various issues including the breakdown in her marriage. She then decided to emigrate and we helped with that.
She then met someone abroad and had a wedding there. Was furious I wouldn’t take a long haul flight at 8 months pregnant, all I needed to do was ‘not tell the airline’, I was massive and wouldn’t do it anyway.
Married someone who didn’t want her child but destroyed his relationship with his dad so he could be a replacement.
Rang and tells me and new husband are visiting and wanting to stay with us for a week. We redecorated, took leave from work, planned lots of visits places. Never showed up, ignored all her messages. Rang me on the last day she was in the country to pop by on the way to visit someone, not one mention of the previous week. Wasn’t happy when I told her I was in work (we went back in when they failed to materialise) and went ‘your off this week aren’t you?’. Never apologised.

Sent me an email a year later basically suggesting we could pay for her holiday accommodation as ‘we could afford it’.

I have an awkward one, where shes probably on here writing that I'm a CF!
An old friend and her boyfriend invited DH and I out for dinner. I said no, we'd just gotten back into the country and we had no money. They insisted, I said thank you and that we'd treat them back when we had the cash. We went for cocktails, to a nice restaurant and a few bars.
The boyfriend groped at me everytime she turned her back. He made loud inappropriate jokes and irritated the family sitting next to us in the restaurant. He hid fish in the restaurant displays "as a joke"
I've ever felt so awkward and uncomfortable, I couldn't face another night out with them and they wouldn't accept cash so I still technically owe them.