To ask why you finished a friendship?

[hahahayoumustbejoking]

Seems a lot of friendships going to the wall on MN. Got me thinking of ones I've ended.

1. When I was 19 and poor I showed an older and well off friend at college a bag in a shop I adored. Said I was saving up for it and even though it would take another few months I had my heart set on it. She turned up with it at college on the Monday, breezily swinging it on her arm. Never the same after that.

1. Had a niche holiday planned with a friend who then changed her mind and we cancelled and the whole thing fizzled out. Found out later she'd gone with others to the same venue instead.

1. Saw friend coming on to my then boyfriend (now DH). He was oblivious but I'd seen her do this to others. Desperate to be the most sexually attractive person to every man. Just thought 'can't be arsed with this anymore".

Anyone else got examples worth sharing?

She chose to go to her boyfriends mates birthday party rather than be my birth partner even though she said she was saying earlier that day when I was labouring in the housez that she would love to be there and to keep her posted so she could join us when we got to the hospital. My husband rang her and I was literally begging for her to come. She said sorry i cant and she said she is too tired to come. I then found out she went to her boyfriends mates birthday party, she hadnt even met them. She said she's too tired and she decided to go there instead. She would also always ask to meet up and cancel on me, said sorry she cant as she has to walk the dog or now she has decided to go for coffee with her mother instead. This happened about 50 times. I was always understanding and said you have a great time with your mum as I knew she was close to her mother. But it was all the time even when I am ready to leave the house. She would cancel last minute to say she was walking the dogs instead
Or if we did meet, it would be cut short. Which was very irritating too. Because she was also the children's god mother and she was so happy to see them and then say I can only take you all to the park for 20 minutes rather than what we planned. Literally all the time. Drove me nuts .
She would also read my messages and respond 3 weeks later. I had to cut that friendship off. She knows I had another baby and didn't even say congratulations.

My friends wife said a few things about others that I didn’t like. Worst was telling me lots of her clients were scum. She told me she hated children. I mean I find them annoying but her talk and hatred felt visceral. She told my toddler DS off for being naughty, fair enough but the genuine delight in her eyes when he cried is something I found really horrible. So because I really could not stand her I just let the friendship wither as they came as a couple. It’s a shame my actual friend her DH and I had been friends since University and had ended up living in the same area by chance.

This thread has made me realise that I’ve never actually ended a friendship! The closest I came was when a friend I was house sharing with ended up owing me quite a lot of money and did a lot of lying (e.g. about her health) to try and distract from it. She then moved in with another mutual friend (who was convinced I’d been bitchy and unfair) and did exactly the same. We did survive as friends once there were no financial ties involved.

Another hideous one. My ndn bought me some baby clothes from a Facebook page that sells second hand baby stuff. She called me to say the lady is here to sell her the baby clothes, do I want to pop round to get them. I came down and recognised the lady who was selling the baby clothes and she was a girl that I knew from when I was a teenager. I passed her my Facebook and boy, do I wish I hadn't. She would be constantly messaging me and telling me, not asking me, to pop round. She was always messaging me, to come over every single day. I told her no, sorry ,my husband and I are in the middle of dinner, sorry am just about to do something, sorry I am busy. Sorry, I have the health visitor coming. She would be telling me literally every day that she wanted to come round. I would try and meet up with her frequently but when I was busy as I had 2 young children then and was also planning to back to work, she would kick off. If I went out for lunch with someone else, she would ask me who am I with. And then she said to me once that she was driving around my area, and saw me and I am a liar, i was not out at a barbecue/out food shopping/taking the kids for a walk/school run. I said, actually I was walking the children back home from the family barbecue etc. She would always ask to meet up and sometimes I would say yes, and she would always ask for money everytime, can she have a tenner, I will need a tenner, if we are meeting up she needs a tenner. She would message things like 'R need money for petrol.deisel ain't cheap,' Yes, she actually used R for the word I. That, too annoyed me. Everytime we met up, was a disaster. She would say can you lend me a tenner, I will give it to you later. If we are going to meet up, I will need a tenner. Bearing in mind, she suggested meeting for lunch, why would you charge me fuel if we are both going to the same place. Even I told her I need to go Tesco. She said R need to go too and said that she can pick me up on the way there. And then she would come to my home and ask me for a tenner for petrol. I was like but hang on, aren't you going to Tesco too and its literally 4 minutes drive. She would also leave me in her car on a hot day, with her baby and my newborn, and say I will just be a sec, I need to pop into a shop. And then be gone literally up to an hour to get a tattoo done or go to the tanning salon. So I would literally be getting out of the car, looking around for her and she would come back with arm wrapped up In clingfilm, and say do you like me new tattoo. And i am like hello the babies are really hot. She would swear like a trooper and had a different man every week. She also shoplifted frequently. We would go to town and then when we left she would pull something out of her bag and I am like hang on,I didn't see you pay for that. You should really take it back. Once we were in TK Maxx, and she was whispering to me go go go. And I was like whats going on. So I started walking quickly with her out of the shop to see she had stolen a pair of boots. I was absolutely furious. I told her thats really not good and she should take them back. I then started to step back from her and told her I was busy and couldnt meet up. She then started to get annoyed even more and said why dont you want to meet.up anymore. I had told my husband about all the money I had given her for fuel and that she constantly ditched me and the children in the car so she could go to the sun beds or to the tattoo shop. And then also that she had been shoplifting too as well as all the money I had given her. My husband told.me just stay away from her. She is trouble. She kept messaging me where are you, I told her am busy. She then messaged me has your husband told you to stay away from me. I ignored her. She then went to my neighbour and told her he beats me up and to come down to the street and fight her. It was ridiculous. We ended up phoning the police. She would tell me I am embarrassing to be seen with anyway. All her friends have apparently told her why would you hang around with a girl like her (I am a muslim, they were referring to my hijab) and that I am a show up. She kicked off big time and i blocked her number and facebook and quite happy to say it's been 7 years since I last saw her.

She lied about everything and I realised that if she was talking about everyone we knew to me, she was talking about me to them.

When I was pregnant she decided my baby couldn't possibly be my partners because the "dates didn't add up" (they did) and wouldn't let it go no matter how much I told her it was upsetting me. I'd ask her to stop and she'd literally say Ok.... But there's something you're not telling me?

Every time she saw something new of mine -house, clothes, car etc- she'd say something like Oh I didn't expect it to be nice.

Final straw was when she said she didn't like mixed race babies because they look so scruffy and it means someone slept with a black person. My daughter is black.

I am bad at confrontation so I normally just "phase people out' rather than actually officially dump them. To be fair, some of them got phased back in again - my bff and I met in college, but then had a five year period in our mid to late twenties where we rarely communicated by unspoken mutual agreement (just kept rubbing each other up the wrong way) but then our lives re-converged and we message most days and holiday together when possible, despite living in different countries.

Permanent phase outs mainly due to the friends wanting more from the friendship than I was prepared to give or just realising we didn't have much in common anymore or I felt I'd moved on/ wanted to move on from something and they were trying to drag me back in .

@vampirethriller she sounds.bloody terrible.
What a nut case. I mean, who keeps pestering their friend, is the baby really your husbands. I would have literally pushed them out the door. And as for the comment about scruffy mixed race children, she can clear off. My husband is West African and people have told me I am a traitor to my own kind for marrying someone outside my race. I really find that kind of backward thinking just pathetic.

Friend of pretty much 24 years at the time. Our fathers are childhood best friends, so I’d known her since birth really. She was like a sibling to me, always in and out of each other’s houses. We were only a few months apart in age and were in the same school class. Always thought we had each other’s back.

I came home unexpectedly early to my new house (moved in 4 months prior with my dp) and she was shagging him. They couldn’t help themselves, apparently. They tried to keep away from each other but the pull was too strong. They were so in love! He dumped her 3 weeks later after the ‘pull’ had worn off.

Never recovered from that and it still hurts, almost 20 years later! It also ruined my dads relationship with his best friend.

@DressBitch

I'm currently considering ending a friendship. She's incredibly self-absorbed but it's beginning to grate on me.

She texted me to ask how I was the other day. I mentioned I'd slipped and hurt myself. She replied but didn't acknowledge it at all. I'm bloody pregnant. If my pregnant friend fell I'd want to make sure she's okay!

It made me realise that she only asks after me so she can talk about herself. I suspect she skim reads my responses, if she reads them at all!

Basically the reason I ended a friendship too.

I was always there for her day and night. Available to listen and support.

I never felt the same but always allowed it because although I was having a rough time of it so was she and like a PP said you hold on to those really amazing times and memories.

She pulled away and I decided I wasn't always instigating contact. Then I'd get texts like "haven't heard from you in a while". I eventually started responding "same here". It then dawned on me every text of "how are you?" Always was her instigating a conversation to tell me her news. So yes, she'd ask about me but only because she had news to share. She didn't ask - just because. I also realised I actually couldn't be bothered to contact her to ask her either because I was past giving myself to someone who couldn't or wouldn't or didn't give back.

Got a text a few months back asking how I was. I just didn't want to reply. That sounds awful and I realised I'm probably a bitch for totally ghosting her but I just realised when I got the text and it felt like a chore having to reply that she'd burnt any part of the bridge that was left over the previous years.

She was also someone who would be all encompassing and want all your attention and then would make a new friend and you'd be cast aside. She say "I'm going out with friends" but if I said "yeah I have a birthday meal this evening" she'd want to know who with, where etc.

Thanks to MN I've realised as I've hit my 40's you only need people in your life who bring something to it.

All she brought was frustration towards the end.

Was friends with someone from school since we was 12 but when we got to adults she became different was never interested in anything about me unless it was to borrow money that shed never pay back. The last time she borrowed £50 and when I had asked for my money back she threatened to call the police on me for harassment so I blocked her and never spoke to her again

Only really two friendships I've consciously stepped away from. One was an old school friend who I realised only ever talked about herself and never actually asked me anything about myself...also incredibly negative. Just felt way too one sided and draining.

Second time we went away with another couple. Basically felt like we were treated like children and the female friend would tell us what we could and couldn't do. Could not believe how patronising and controlling she was...it all came to a head but they could not acknowledge that they were in the wrong at all. Realised we weren't actually respected in that friendship and knew it was over then. Have to reply every few months to text messages but thankfully we don't live close to one another so easy to keep it at a distance.

Another ridiculous one.

There are two mums I stand with on the school playground.
Both are Muslim like me. However I am white and they are both Pakistani. We all met around the same time and they both talk very good english with me, very fluent and so on, so it's not like they struggle. But then they stop talking english and start talking urdu. At first, I was like ok, but they would be saying my name and then saying words in their language and then laughing. In the end I took a step back. I really didn't like it because we would all stand together and then they would start talking a different language. And I would just stand there feeling odd. And then the last day of school one of them asked me can she take some pictures of my children on her phone and send them back to Pakistan. I told her no, I dont think so I dont want my children's photos passed to strangers. She got in a huff and stormed off. I dont know if I was being precious about not wanting my children's photos sent to strangers in Pakistan. But it was just odd, how I said no sorry and she flounced off, furious. I have been acting like she doesnt exist in the last few days since the kids have started school again and I have to see her outside my dd class.

Just wanted to ask what people thought about that, would you be happy to stand with your group of mum friends at the school playground and they speak perfectly good english to you but then start speaking in another language and use your name and laughing. And then the picture thing ? Am I unreasonable here?

One because she married a high earner and became such a ‘snob’.

One because she was totally self centred and selfish and caused me so much stress. My life is 100 times better without her.

I ended a friendship a few years back. We booked an ill advised holiday together with some of her friends, where it became hugely apparent we had even more differences than I thought, and she made some awful comments about my long term illness that I was unable to get past. Neither of us handled any of it particularly well, and I know I was made out to be the bad guy when I walked away. Even now it appears to be some kind of bone of contention - we still have mutual friends in my family so unfortunately I hear about it occasionally, and I see her around sometimes and she completely blanks me even though we both apologised for letting things get out of hand a few years back. I have no hard feelings about this, what's done is done but it is clear it was a bigger deal to her, and that's okay.

@PopsicleHustler
I think it’s pretty rude of them to change into another language you can’t understand when you’re all together and meant to be friends. They’re not your friends. Also that other woman! How did you let that go on for so long?! Be much more assertive in future

@PopsicleHustler Their behaviour sounds very dodgy. You did the right thing in putting your DCs' safety first. Just make sure they don't take pics on the sly.

More of a work colleague acquaintance than friend but we lived close by and used to socialise sometimes.
About 6 months after my second DS had died (at 4 weeks) she gave birth to her second DS. Obviously, I was pleased for her but was grieving big time and found it tough. More time passed and she knew we were struggling to conceive again. She mentioned that she didn't know whether to get rid of her baby clothes because she really wanted to have a 3rd DC but they "hasn't decided". Am assuming she'd just forgotten but there'd but several of these situations and it felt like I was being kicked when I was already down. Was awkward because we worked together but I distanced myself.

Friend and I got pregnant at the same time. We had another mutual friends hen do coming up and laughed about being the two fat birds there, the sober pregnant ones etc. But I lost my baby early in the pregnancy.

At the hen do she and I were sharing a room and all she.did was complain - not just about being pregnant but about being the ONLY pregnant one. About how she couldn't have a drink while we got ready. Moaning about being the only sober one (she wasn't!)

Then a few weeks later she called me in tears from her 20 week scan because she was having a boy and she wanted a girl. I just wanted my baby ☹️

Ridiculously, that wasn't when I dropped her as a friend. But it was the beginning of the end...!

I've never ended a friendship really, I usually just let things slide. I had a mum friend but although we got on our kids stopped being friends between primary and secondary, and their circles were very different. She lives in the same street and we are still cordial it's just that our DC are so different now and we lack things in common.

My bestie through secondary school stayed in the place we grew up, whereas I went off to uni and have moved about since. C'est la vie.

I don't have any friends outside of work (a job for 20 years). One works opposite shifts to ne and I never see him really so I try and let it slide then he pops up on WhatsApp every so often wanting something despite knowing he's not bothered for the previous three months. (We really need to sort it out) Another I try to let slide but she is just too nice and understanding and puts up with my ways despite me not deserving it.

I'm very bad at friendships, generally. Most people get on my nerves.

Thanks @groovergirl , even the teacher said I have a right to say no. It's my privacy right and my children too. I feel anyone has the right to say whether or not they want their children's pictures shared abroad and on social media.

@shoxfordian

If you're talking about the last one the shoplifting, needs a tenner, jealous fruitcake, it literally went on for about 2 months before I had to put a lid on it. She was dreadful. Think geordie shore meets only way is Essex, smothered in fake tan, tacky and cant talk properly. I was very glad to end that friendship.

As for my dear ex friend who I hoped would be my birthing partner, it's a real shame how that turned out. I really loved her. She even drove past me last year and let me cross with my 2 year old. She didn't even beep the horn or wave, she let us go and carried driving. I was secretly hoping she would pull over on a safe road, and come out and talk to us. And we could make up. But I guess her boyfriends friends are more important than me and to be honest I have given up now. That friend I knew for over 20 years. I'm 34 now :(

Can I please ask how people actually end the friendships? I'm super non-confrontational and currently drained with being pregnant etc and I know if I have "a talk" with mine I won't be able to handle the backlash.

Mine: super self absorbed, competitive (if you're doing something she has to do the same but better- her life but got ridiculous after a while), if you're too happy she'll put a pin in it, got arsey about me having other friends, obsessive, every day a message of "I've got a problem"...I wanted to be supportive but these problems ranged from annoying to downright overdramatic, unprofessional about her job- bitching in detail about those she was caring for and their families, flirting with everyone and anyone (married) and banshee screaming at her kids and husband regularly, including ruining a day out my partner had with her husband.
Oh and when I gently suggested some support with some of the above "I don't want any of that mental health shit" after I'd told her how it had helped me.

Draining AF.

Still...have to see her daily

@PopsicleHustler

Just wanted to ask what people thought about that, would you be happy to stand with your group of mum friends at the school playground and they speak perfectly good english to you but then start speaking in another language and use your name and laughing. And then the picture thing ? Am I unreasonable here?

^They are obviously talking about you. Very childish and not nice. The picture thing is not unreasonable at all, I’d question her motives- sending pictures of your children to random people????? These women aren’t your friend.

Currently pulling back from someone , they became manipulative and tried to destroy my relationship with other people , tried to take over things that were mine drags up things from the past . They are controlling and act like an emotionally abusive spouse at times , lockdown has made it easy to see these things.

My best friend from age 13 to 20. I ended it when I realised how much she hated me.