AIBU - house renovation has broken us

[TwinkleToesForever]

I feel a bit ridiculous. Long story short, we were planning a kitchen extension. Problems with the house has led to us spending way over budget and doing a far more extensive project (about 30% over budget so far but more to come I expect) DP and I have been broken by the disruption it’s bought to our lives. Both have busy, demanding jobs, WFH . 3 kids 10-14. Demanding Puppy. Car has recently been stolen too. Completely overwhelmed with all the decisions and constant banging and the dust, oh the dust. They brought the steel through the house today and took the staircase with it. The builders say they will make good but it’s just shock of it all. Everyone we speak to minimises and “oh it will be lovely once it’s done” etc. I realise this is a total FWP but my god, I am a broken woman. AIBU Am I a total wimp and or is this renovation business actually stressful? DP and I full of regret that we started the bloody thing. And also the area since the car was nicked. Please tell me we’ve done the right thing and it will be ok.

Found my tribe. We bought a derelict shell in 2004, lived in two grotty touring caravans connected with a rat infested shed. Two winters in the caravan, stupidly had a baby 11 months in. Home birth in the caravan.

I can't believe we did it now, I should have some sort of debrief thinking about it. I think it was easier with small child and baby then it would be with older children. You have to just power on through, not play 'whos the most stressed' and keep a sense of humour during the really dark times.

No one, no matter how much money they have will enjoy your home in the way you will after all your emotional investment, stay positive!

it was like this for our extension. 10 years on we have a lovely house and massive kitchen. We all cook in it and can socialise with the kids and their friends.

@MaskingForIt

I found decorating my bedroom stressful, there’s no way I could handle a reno like yours! YANBU

Yup similar here.

I’ve paid someone to decorate a few rooms in our house. 4 days and I was so glad they were gone. Chaos isn’t over (need carpets and radiators) but I don’t think I’d survive an extension.

You poor thing. I sympathise

Best friend had to totally renovate her house due to two burst pipes, house had to be gutted, looks fabulous now but warned me when me and dh were building our house it would make us or break us. Nearly broke us more than once but once it is all finished I promise you it will be worth it.

@DdraigGoch

I went 12 months with no downstairs heating while getting my living room replastered with lime.

@DrFoxtrot

I've just realised you said what you love 🙈 but those are the things I'd hate! I'm not sure how I could embrace it all.

I don't know. I am not sure how some people thrive on it, and others loathe it. I suppose one thing that might make a difference is that I am monumentally untidy and un-houseproud. I also welcome all comers, waifs and strays, teenagers' friends, etc, etc, so the builders just have to muck in with everyone else.

You also have to accept that there is no holding back the dust. You can seal things off and wrap crockery in newspaper all you like, but the dust will still find a way in. Six months later, though, things won't be dusty as the dust will somehow have absorbed itself into the things.

Very occasionally, I think it would be nice for everything to be done (especially at the moment, as we are, let's say, between bathrooms). But then I'd feel the pressure to have a tidyish house, as I'd have no excuse not to.

I do think you have to be of a particular mindset not to mind it all. You also have to be pretty strong stomached. I have just bought some flushable bottom wipes for one of my builders, as I noticed he was using ordinary wet wipes, and I don't want those down the loo any more than I want them in the bathroom bin.

@godmum56 😂

In the last twelve months we gutted and re-did the bathroom and the same for the kitchen a few months later. We have a toddler and I work from home. It was a lot of stress each time - I moved out to my mums with the toddler for about 3-4 weeks for each project and my partner supervised most of it, but he has a business to run too. It was a real tough time and I felt like I didn’t have a home - an unsettling feeling. The bathroom ran quite a bit over budget. I was fed up of having to make decisions about flooring and handles and all that stuff. It was hard - but it had an end point! And I really really am glad we did it because now the house is a joy to be in. Do whatever you can to make life easier for yourself and to protect your mental health as best you can.

Oh and I hired cleaners after - i couldn’t face tackling the dust!

It will be ok, renos are awful when you have to live in. We had to as well except for two weeks when it wasn't habitable and we had to stay with friends. Our cat died in the middle of our work, it cost 100k more than we had budgeted, it was honestly the most stressful thing I've ever done. But once it's finished it is lovely and you have a lovely new space. Hang in there.

@RosesAndHellebores

1. You have to anticipate they will take twice as long and cost twice as much as promised.

1. You have to move out. Builders work faster if not working round you and it is less stressful and cost neutral.

I have done three. It sucks but is also thrilling when you sell and read the rewards

How on earth is moving out cost neutral? Mind you, living in London is a whole different ball game to the rest of the country?

@TwinkleToesForever

If it’s £5 k a mont for an Air BNB you’d be cheaper to rent a furnished property for 2 months and then give notice.

Move out now with your 3 kids and leave Dh at home with the dog to supervise the work.

I really should not have opened this thread. I am finalising plans now. I now want to cancel everything but we can't stay as it is either! Oh, Lord, @TwinkleToesForever you'll be consoling me whilst putting the final sparkle to yours. Stay strong, I'll need you!

I imagine OP's extension work is finished by now.

Think of it like child birth when you may think “never again” but forget it all a few months later when baby two is underway.

Was surprised to see this thread come to life again! Quick update on our side. Things went from bad to worse. In dispute with the Project management company, things have been built in the wrong places and to the wrong heights and outside of planning permission. Unfortunately DH has had a breakdown which has been a huge blow (and tbh I’m not far behind him). We won’t be finished til March/April Trying to dig deep and stay strong but it’s been the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Lessons I’ve learnt: 1. be absolutely meticulous in selecting a PM team and builders- look at reviews, don’t just go off 1 recommendation ( I’ve since dug up a whole bunch of negative reviews on mumsnet - wish I’d seen those before!) 2. You can’t do this and work long hours - someone needs to be around and holding others to account. 3. Move out if you can ( but don’t disappear- see point 2) 4. Don’t employ a company that acts as an intermediary between you and the contractor and delivers no value other than sending spreadsheets every week.

Oh OP I’m so glad you came back and so sorry to hear of your husband’s breakdown. Great advice there too, even if leaned the hard way.
I hope things soon change for the better.

Thanks Newhouse xxx lots of lessons learnt for sure!

OP we had a house renovation from hell too, which we are almost at the end of two years later (DP still spending all spare hours on top of his very demanding job, outside labouring, whatever the weather) and the saddest thing is that I'm really unhappy with the house, regret the move and feel we've messed up our children's lives. I sleep badly and wake up at night thinking about what could have been had we made different choices.

I am so sorry llambingtime. I relate to everything you’ve written. Try not to be too hard on yourself- you went into it with the best of intentions I’m sure. And I bet you’re a great parent too . Forgive yourself, I’ve tried hard to do that. Good luck

Oh God i am so sorry OP and others going through this trauma. And it IS trauma. This is your shelter. Really hope you get finished with your sanity intact.

Yes we did kitchen with new pup it was awful and that was only few weeks don't underestimate the impact on day to day life

Totally get you sand yes very stressful on you and your relationship but will be very much worth it. Ours started at the beginning of lockdown, he ran off with £100k of our money (money we had paid for materials /kitchen deposited/ boiler and rads etc and the money it cost us to rectify his shit work that building control wouldn't sign off - yes recommended and yes we saw a nearly finished product yes you can polish a turd to show people how it gleams!) Anyway all our savings gone no roof water pouring in daughter and son sharing bed and bedroom for over 1 year police and trading standards doing nothing despite a contract. Had to ask my dad for help he came out of retirement used to own his own building company so got in touch with loads of trades he knows turned the job round after 8mths living in a broken shell in 13 weeks lending us the money to be paid back over 10 years we were lucky and the stress it put us through including with me also wfh ft and homeschooling as the teachers only sent whiterose and twinkle sheets no on line lessons and suffering depression due to chronic pain. But now I have the house finished DH gifted us new furniture to finish rooms and I live it and this Christmas 🎄 I'm celebrating in my beautiful home just how I envisioned it would be not crying as I worried that we would loose our home come remortgage as it was worthless thanks to the cockwomble builder with no morals

So yes take a deep breath know that it will be what you want it to be because the stress though shit is worth it

I put yabu because what else did you expect? Of course its horrible, extensions suck if you're living on the building site. You have no working kitchen I'd imagine, dust everywhere, and you're working from home during it. Did you expect it to be a picnic and done in a couple of days? And budgets are more like guidelines, rarely do you stick to them.

You'll have a massive house by the end of it, and it will be worth a lot more. Just think of that.