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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

573 replies

summerisler · 09/09/2021 16:09

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

OP posts:
ambereeree · 09/09/2021 21:40

Why did you have to go and speak to him? I feel sorry for the poor man. When my dd was 1 we always bumped into an older man who always said hello son and would pinch her cheek because she reminded him off his grandson who lived in another country. I gave up telling him DD was a girl and let him have his moment.

Saoirse82 · 09/09/2021 21:42

@Comedycook

I remember feeding my newborn on a bench in a playground while my toddler played....he fell and another mum helped him. She then sort of had a moment where I could sense she was terrified she'd done the wrong thing and apologised to me profusely. So unnecessary. I thanked her for helping my child when I couldn't.
A similar thing happened to me a few weeks ago when I took my nephew to an outdoor water park, he couldn't pull himself up and a lady helped him, when she realised I was with him she apologised profusely when in fact she'd done a kind thing. It's actually really sad and I expect it's because of people like the OP and other neurotics might berate someone for helping.
DocAutumn · 09/09/2021 21:42

You've probably really upset an old man who was being friendly. Nice!

Theworldishard · 09/09/2021 21:42

@ohthatbloodycat

YABU and an absolute misery. Just thank the old man for picking up your baby's toy and leave it at that.
Agree..this is why next time this man will not pick up a toy for s child and then someone else will moan that no one cares, antisocial etc.

Seriously OP. People like babies..it is the way it is..my baby boy gets loads of fuss and I find it lovely seeing older people smiling at him and engaging with him..I've chatted with so many interesting people since having my son. You see the kindness of people.
But people like you will deter people from being kind.
Sorry but you ARE bring unreasonable.

garlictwist · 09/09/2021 21:43

The old man sounds lovely. You sound very unreasonable and cruel. He didnt do anything inappropriate. It was a kind and affectionate gesture. What harm could come from it?

Theworldishard · 09/09/2021 21:45

@summerisler

I think maybe I’m just thinking about it being unwanted. I didn’t give my permission and my DD can’t. Germs weren’t a concern - as I’ve said, though I know other mums would be bothered by that.
So what WAS the issue? Are you suggesting his behaviour was dodgy? Why? Nothing he did seems.indicitive of that. Are you.ok op??
WhatIsThisPlease · 09/09/2021 21:47

I think this is the saddest thing I've read on here for a really long time.

That poor man.

Mulhollandmagoo · 09/09/2021 21:47

I think you approaching him was completely unnecessary, and actually quite nasty! I can't imagine how he feels right now when all he was trying to do was be friendly and helpful.

I can also gather by your replies on thsi thread that you weren't polite when ylu approached him either. You need to work on your interpersonal.

I feel terribly sad for both the old man, and your baby who will benefit from interaction and kindness from strangers and you're evidently going to prevent

MeredithGreyishblue · 09/09/2021 21:47

Oh that poor man.

Seems like a thoroughly silly reaction from you.

Theworldishard · 09/09/2021 21:50

@WhatIsThisPlease

I think this is the saddest thing I've read on here for a really long time.

That poor man.

Agree. He will never dare go near a baby or toddler again. He could have just walked by and not given the toy back. Mums like the OP ruin it for the rest of us. People love babies, it brightens some people's day. You totally over reacted. If you have some past issues that need addressing regarding touch, I'd suggest you seek help, before projecting onto your child that everyone is a pervert, or whatever you are alluding to.
Mulhollandmagoo · 09/09/2021 21:50

I echo other posters also who love seeing people interact with their children! Now my daughter is a bit older and she chats back its brilliant, it can really make someones day

Lbnc2021 · 09/09/2021 21:53

Someone being nice to your baby? Fucking hell, what a prick, stone him Hmm

Pebbledashery · 09/09/2021 21:54

You're not unreasonable for feeling the way you do. Its up to you and your opinion.. But to tell him he upset you and confront him was completely unreasonable. I feel so sad he actually apologised to you. I really do.

AmyandPhilipfan · 09/09/2021 21:54

I not only let a stranger in a cafe hold my baby I actually asked her to. She’d admired my daughter earlier and when I needed to go to the loo, rather than put my sleeping baby into her pram (which always woke her straight up) I asked if she wouldn’t mind holding her for me. She was thrilled.

I used to take my three children to church most Sundays when my youngest was a baby and when we went in the church hall for refreshments afterwards someone was always waiting to whip her off me immediately and then she was passed about for 20 minutes or so while I chatted. I didn’t mind at all.

My dad loved children and children loved him. Everywhere he went he’d be making babies chuckle and toddlers laugh. He died over 10 years ago, without meeting my daughter, and no one ever told him off for interacting with their children. I suspect these days they might. I like my child to have joyful interactions with older adults that she is missing out on from my lovely dad.

saraclara · 09/09/2021 21:57

...and when the next small child wanders off and no one intervenes, people will question why others saw them but didn't do anything.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 09/09/2021 21:59

@Scarby9

I suppose it must be generational.

As a teenager and uni student it was a standing joke that I always ended up holding a baby or playing with a couple of toddlers wherever we went. In shops and cafes, on buses, in the park, on the beach -just out and about.

I once had a 2 and 4 year old I had never met before sitting with me, snuggled into a double seat, without their mum who was a few rows back, all the way from York to London on the train. We read stories, told stories, sang (quietly), coloured, walked to the next carriage and back. The mum read a magazine, drank coffee, slept and was very grateful.
I obviously wouldn't do it now, and my safeguarding alarm bells would go off instantly, but in many ways it is a shame. As the saying goes, 'It takes a village to raise a child' and I do worry for children who never interact with adults outside their close family and are sometimes brought up in fear of 'outsiders'.

Yes, in the 80s, when I went to antenatal clinic with my DM when she was pregnant with my DSis, all the women who already had a baby used to dump it on me while they went in for their appointments, even though I was (a) a complete stranger and (b) 10.

Times have changed, and not for the better. We're creating an atomised, fearful world.

Dfhugdhvdnjrs · 09/09/2021 22:01

OP you have absolutely no clue how to behave like a normal adult. I cannot believe you told him off (however politely you think you did it). What a sad and miserable thing to do. I would really think about developing some social skills. There was a time when we all lived as a community and not as fearful individuals who need to constantly protect themselves from other people. If you see this man again you should tell him you were wrong to criticise him and unreservedly apologise.

Dfhugdhvdnjrs · 09/09/2021 22:03

He was probably thinking of his own children or grandchildren, how sad.

Rubyupbeat · 09/09/2021 22:07

Poor man, hope you feel good about yourself. Believe it or not years ago this was the norm. He probably hasn't read all the over the top baby advice nowadays and was only being kind.
When mine were babies it was a tradition for folk to press a coin in the babies hand, so they would always have money. Mine never got sick from it.
People just alienate themselves nowadays, along with their children.

SezziBaybee · 09/09/2021 22:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Flipflop87 · 09/09/2021 22:12

This is really sad but I can understand your anxieties. Particularly with having baby through Covid Times. But you probably need to chill out a bit. Enjoy other people enjoying your baby!

Littlepaws18 · 09/09/2021 22:12

@WitchBaby

Poor old man. You actually approached him afterwards? Madness.
This.
Littlepaws18 · 09/09/2021 22:16

His intent came from a good place and he probably wasn't aware he was over stepping boundaries.

He felt like he was doing a good deed and you probably have made him feel so uncomfortable.

He might too have little human contact and you may have knocked his confidence.

Where I know it may feel uncomfortable- you need to gauge the reasoning behind what he was doing before you react.

Theworldishard · 09/09/2021 22:16

@Flipflop87

This is really sad but I can understand your anxieties. Particularly with having baby through Covid Times. But you probably need to chill out a bit. Enjoy other people enjoying your baby!
It's not covid related..it seems irrational
Theworldishard · 09/09/2021 22:17

@saraclara

...and when the next small child wanders off and no one intervenes, people will question why others saw them but didn't do anything.
Yep. Men won't dare go near a child for fear of being accessed of something horrific.

OP you fear 'unwanted touch' but that's a fine line. So you'll refuse medical treatment for your child, etc???