I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

[SuperbLyrebird]

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

when I'm 70 my youngest will be 30, but my eldest will be 49. I'm already in denial about him being 35....

being a younger parent is no guarantee of presence in your adult childs life for anyone

True, but it certainly increases the odds.

I had an older parent and I am one. In both cases, it was and is still fine. It was hard losing my mum in my early 30s, I feel a bit jealous sometimes of friends who still have their mums around, it hurts that she never met dd. And do you know what? I've had a lovely life regardless and I wouldn't have swapped my mum for the world not even if it meant being older when I lost her. I hate the thought of leaving DD and her grieving for me but its going to happen one day - it's not necessarily easy at whatever age it happens and I hope that she will feel about me the way I did about my mum

What an absolutely lovely post @AliasGrape. I hope my daughter feels the same about me.

I'm 40 and my mum turned 80 the month before me. My dad was 42 when I was born and he died last year. I guess I wish they'd more time with DD but I don't think about it apart from that

FWIW my FIL recently lost his own mum, FIL is mid 70s and is bereft, he and my MIL have also spent what should have been their golden retirement years caring for her and its really taken a toll.

Yes, I am in the weird position of having no Mum of my own any more, but a MIL who, at seventy, is still caring for her own mother. Great MIL had MIL at 20. MIL is tired and fed up and I think she wishes she had got the caring over and done with when she was a bit younger, eso as FIL also needs a bit of care.
At least I know my son won’t spend his own retirement worrying about me!

I totally understand Op, you grieve for the time you feel you may lose with them. I had my first at 27, second at 29. I’ll have my very last at 35-36 my mum wasn’t old but struggles with health problems and I feel like I need her around for much longer than she may be. But don’t dwell on it Op, my dad is late 60s he’s very fit & active, still working, look after your health

My son will be 28 when I'm 70. We can't change it now! It's making me take sto k of how I've let myself go recently, and I'm addressing health issues that I've ignored. I feel I have a duty to at least try to be git and healthy.

Fit!

Willy I find your observation very odd, of course I don't dispute your experience but I would say the complete opposite- and I also live in a middle class market town. I know many, many people over 70 who are very fit and healthy and making an active contribution to the community. The vast majority of voluntary work is done by the over 70s - they are the ones driving the mini bus, cooking the lunches for the 85+ age group , going out as Street Angels at night, running toddler groups, etc etc. In my parents' wide circle of friends they all lived until their 80s ... my own DM is 88 and volunteering, going to yoga etc. Maybe I am just lucky to know very healthy people. In my own friendship group (I am early 60s) most of us have still got one parent alive.

My dad was 48 when I was born and died at aged 94, we kept him young. He was a wonderful father and grandfather. Don't stress to much about it.

But many illnesses and conditions aren't caused by people neglecting themselves. And a parent with a disability or chronic conditions can be a better parent than a gym going, salad munching one.

My mum died in her early 60s.(I was early 30s and my children were very young - DS was only 1)
I miss her and wish she had been around to see my DC grow up but I'm grateful for the time she did have with them (she was a very hands on GP). She was fearful of getting old and needing to be looked after and in some ways I'm sort of glad she didnt have to go through that.

I have one family member who had her one and only at 44. She planned to have another but it didn’t happen. Her daughter’s dad is even older and is no contact with his (tiny) family, so when her parents pass away, she will only have a handful of cousins. Her parents have been trying to ‘force’ a relationship between their daughter and her cousins I guess because they’re worried when they die she won’t have any family. But it’s caused a lot of family rows - essentially the cousins don’t want to travel to visit their much younger cousin every few weeks, they want to be working and seeing friends like most 20 somethings. There’s been a lot of upset on both sides and its caused irreversible damage really. She says her daughter worries constantly about her dying and being left alone and that anxiety has ramped up in covid times.

Maybe that’s coloured my opinion.

@YetAnotherSpartacus same as you elderly parents, both dead by the time I was 30. They didn't see me get married or have children. That hurts and I feel cheated.

Your average 40 year old woman doesn't go out the day after her birthday to get all her hair cut off, permed into a cauliflower shape and throw out her jeans and shirts in favour of mint and peach 'tops' and a straight skirt to wear with a nylon cardigan and beige anorak these days.

Mine did. I was 5 and didn't recognise her. So I found having an older Mum very difficult, as she changed into a pensioner overnight because it was what she felt was expected of her at 40. These days, I hope that doesn't happen. I certainly missed the memo.

I try my best not to think about it. I’ll be 74 when she’s 30. I feel sad that my D.C. won’t have me as long as possible, I hope the three of them will look out for each other.

My DP is 28 and his dad is 74. He's very active and you wouldn't think he was 74!
My Nan is the same age and you'd think she is much older. She has round the clock care pretty much.

I’ll be 70 when my daughter is 29. She’s a toddler sleeping in her cot right now. Weird thought. Not because I will be 70 but because she will be an adult 😁

70 isn’t that old. 80, 90 maybe. I’m 43 and my father is 82. My grandfather was 48 when my mother (his first child) was born. It’s not so much a problem of parents being old but having no grandparents which is a bit sad.

But as many others rightly pointed out, you don’t know when your time’s up. Some people die at 35, others at 95.

Would be nice to have a sibling for DD - I’d be 74 when they are 30 😝😝😝

My dad was in his 50s when we born. So much older than most parents but never felt it - he was a very fit, active, engaged dad throughout our childhoods.

70 is very different to what it used to be - at least for healthy people who take care of themselves.

[quote dustybluebell]@YetAnotherSpartacus same as you elderly parents, both dead by the time I was 30. They didn't see me get married or have children. That hurts and I feel cheated.[/quote]
My Dad died before I had children. It’s never once occurred to me feel cheated. I fell lucky, absolutely blessed, to have had such an amazing Dad. I would not have found his death easier, and if certainly would not have been easier being his carer, if I had a child when it happened.

Perhaps I have perspective from my work, which daily illustrates to me that not one of us is guaranteed a second on this earth.

As you can see, I cannot relate to people who criticise their parents for being older at all. I adored my Dad and was lucky to be his daughter.

As for the OP’s comments about ‘salad crunching’, we’ll it’s curious to be so dismissive about lifestyle choices but it’s true that you can’t prevent bad luck. However I meet many people in their 70s with varying health - I’m yet to meet a fit healthy 70 year old who hasn’t taken good care of themselves.

As for the OP’s comments about ‘salad crunching’, we’ll it’s curious to be so dismissive about lifestyle

I wasn't being dismissive, I was pointing out that you can have health issues and be a good parent. And you can be fit and healthy and a poor parent/gp. There are people who are suffering or have recovered from cancer or chronic ill health through no fault of their own but are great parents.

Would have hated to be a young mum. I’m not looking to have kids until 34-35

@MissTrip82 I too adored and also feel absolutely blessed that they were my parents and yes I also feel lucky to have had them.
I wouldn't have changed THEM in a million years, but I just wish they weren't as old as they were when they had me.
Having neither parent in adulthood I do feel cheated. I can't help the way I feel, and that's no disrespect to my parents or your feelings.

Would have hated to be a young mum. I’m not looking to have kids until 34-35

Which is all well and good until you find it doesn't happen (10-20% chance). Then you find yourself using assistive reproductive technology at 36-38 and effectively sitting on a time bomb. Waiting to TTC until mid thirties is a high risk stratagy no matter which way you cut it.

My parents adoption me in their 40s. I'm almost 36 and my dad will be 80 next year. My mum is 78 and both are sharp and able bodied.

My dad had prostate cancer 2 years ago but it was caught very early so he is all clear now. My mum has slightly high cholesterol but both eat sensibly and have a 3 year old dog that they walk every day.

I still live with them along with my husband and our baby boy whilst we save for our own place and I like that I am nearby if they need help.