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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

462 replies

SuperbLyrebird · 08/09/2021 11:42

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

OP posts:
traumatisednoodle · 09/09/2021 08:05

Those years between 25-35 (25-30 even more so) are your best chance to have heathly pregnancies and children with the lowest risk of complications and disability. If living life/travelling/ finding Mr Perfect/career progression is more important to you then fine. But you are trading one set of risks for another.

You can travel/ progress in your career or find a new man between after 45, you can't get those peak fertile years backm

NCBlossom · 09/09/2021 08:41

It’s not so simple as choice. I wanted to have kids age 25 upwards but it took me years to find a husband ready to do the same. A lot of men aren’t ready and that is one of the main drawbacks. Especially for a woman in a good job. My long term partner at the time kept putting it off, and you won’t find many women wanting to pressurise a man in that way.

It’s also a lot of fairly responsible people who have been told you must be emotionally, financially ready and have a mortgage and good standard of care for a child. I know I also felt that. Again I was ready for a mortgage but partner was not and until then I felt that it wasn’t so responsible of me to just have a kid when I was living in unstable rented accommodation.

Then I did have a child when my partner was ready but he was fading about marriage - so had a child before marriage. Then he left me with less maintenance and security than if I’d been married. And I was told I was a fool not to wait until marriage before children.

Women really can’t win in these scenarios!

Men can have a child age 50 and have absolutely no criticism or comment.

Realyorkshiretea · 09/09/2021 08:56

I plan to take a career break when my daughter is an adult, and go travelling in my mid 40s Smile as a well deserved treat after years of childcare! I did do some ‘travelling’ in the form of 3-week backpacking holidays with friends, but not the 6-month or working abroad thing, so I’m very excited. Who knows maybe my daughter will join me for a while!

MossyBottom · 09/09/2021 09:46

Having neither parent in adulthood I do feel cheated.
Yes this is how I feel on behalf of my DC.
I had the trauma of coping with elderly parents / death of parents in my 60s. DC will likely get it in their 20s or 30s. Possibly just as they have a young family and could use parental support.

I get that most people don't have a choice about being older parents. But many do. Many put it off because they can and they are persuaded that it's ok to have a baby in your 40s. I just wish I hadn't put it off, there was no real reason why I did.

HaveringWavering · 09/09/2021 10:01

@traumatisednoodle

Those years between 25-35 (25-30 even more so) are your best chance to have heathly pregnancies and children with the lowest risk of complications and disability. If living life/travelling/ finding Mr Perfect/career progression is more important to you then fine. But you are trading one set of risks for another.

You can travel/ progress in your career or find a new man between after 45, you can't get those peak fertile years backm

Oh.My.God.

You’re seriously suggesting that a woman should have kids with a man she will probably break up from just because he’s around during her “peak fertile years”. Cos children do benefit so much from a family breakup don’t they?

HaveringWavering · 09/09/2021 10:04

And look at the millions of posts from women struggling on here to raise their kids because their partners are lazy assholes- you really think we should opt for that? “Why did you have children with this man?” is usually the standard reply.

HaveringWavering · 09/09/2021 10:05

The idea that a woman should not respect herself enough to find the right relationship, just so she can have children a bit younger, is archaic and abhorrent. Shame on you.

Journeyofthedragons · 09/09/2021 10:15

@HaveringWavering

And look at the millions of posts from women struggling on here to raise their kids because their partners are lazy assholes- you really think we should opt for that? “Why did you have children with this man?” is usually the standard reply.
Absolutely, but the poster and partner's age (when mentioned) are irrelevant to the problem.

Men can be lazy assholes at any age.

SirChenjins · 09/09/2021 10:23

But that post was absolutely about finding a man - any man, not necessarily Mr Perfect - to have babies with because after all, you can find a new man after 45.

Jobsharenightmare · 09/09/2021 10:28

I get you OP. My mum is alive in her 60s with her parents still alive and well with no care needs. That's a very different life than having elderly parents when you're in your 30s. I have a friend who has young children and is also caring for an elderly mother with dementia. So different to my mum's life.

Realyorkshiretea · 09/09/2021 10:29

It isn’t really about the likelihood of splitting up (in my opinion) it’s about the likelihood of finding someone that if you do, they will still be a good father & decent in paying maintenance etc

I know a lady over 40 who got pregnant after being with somebody for a month (planned) because she was terrified she was running out of time.

Quite a rare scenario hopefully, but what are the odds of that relationship lasting?

FreeBritnee · 09/09/2021 10:34

I think its great. By the time they leave i'll be ready to put my feet up and enjoy retirement and they'll get their inheritance nice and early.

SirChenjins · 09/09/2021 10:38

What’s the odds of any relationship lasting in those circumstances?

Lavendersquare · 09/09/2021 10:43

This makes me feel sad as well. I had DD at 45 a cherished baby that we thought we would never have. When I'm 70, assuming I get there, she's going be 25. This was brought home hard the other day when she asked me if I'd still be alive when she has children. 😞

Original poster
SuperbLyrebird · 09/09/2021 10:45

It's a shame that women are criticising other women for their choices, especially when there was no choice involved.

Why can't we be supportive of each other?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 09/09/2021 10:50

@Lavendersquare

This makes me feel sad as well. I had DD at 45 a cherished baby that we thought we would never have. When I'm 70, assuming I get there, she's going be 25. This was brought home hard the other day when she asked me if I'd still be alive when she has children. 😞
Well my mum had me in her twenties and died when I was a child. Yes having children younger gives you more chance of being around but it's no guarantee
rainbowandglitter · 09/09/2021 10:53

When I was 29 my mum was in her 40s, my nanny was in her 60s and my great Nan was in her 80s. I wouldn't have changed it for the world.
You have to do whatever suits your family.

Realyorkshiretea · 09/09/2021 10:53

@SirChenjins

What’s the odds of any relationship lasting in those circumstances?
Quite.

I’m just pointing out that settling down in your 20s/early 30s doesn’t equal a rushed decision and imminent familial breakdown.

People in their 40s have rushed relationships too, usually because of the threat of the biological clock.

ManifestDestinee · 09/09/2021 10:58

[quote dustybluebell]@YetAnotherSpartacus same as you elderly parents, both dead by the time I was 30. They didn't see me get married or have children. That hurts and I feel cheated.[/quote]
Both my parents were dead by the time I was 26, but they were not older parents. It can happen to anyone.

ADHDmaybe · 09/09/2021 11:01

I’m 22 and my parents are 75 and 65. It scares me a little as I don’t know how I’d care for them (I’m still studying) but I do have 3 older siblings who are between 18 and 7 years older than me so I hope it’ll be okay!

I wouldn’t think as much of it if I was a little older

Original poster
SuperbLyrebird · 09/09/2021 11:09

I've already asked but why are so many so pre-occupied with caring for their parents? What do you fear?

OP posts:
Realyorkshiretea · 09/09/2021 11:12

@SuperbLyrebird

I've already asked but why are so many so pre-occupied with caring for their parents? What do you fear?
Read the ‘elderly parents’ threads.
DoubleTweenQueen · 09/09/2021 11:13

@SuperbLyrebird I think mine will be 30 & 32 if I'm fortunate enough to reach 70 :)

Both sets of our parents died at 52, 63, 65 & 70.

It has affected our priorities now we're in our 50's, but we don't worry about how long of a healthy life we have left. Life's too unpredictable for that.
We just try to keep healthy and make the most of our lives together and count our blessings for as long as we're able.

Realyorkshiretea · 09/09/2021 11:15

For example this, only posted this morning

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/4344505-Am-I-being-awful-or-do-you-need-to-protect-yourself-a-bit

Comedycook · 09/09/2021 11:16

@SuperbLyrebird

I've already asked but why are so many so pre-occupied with caring for their parents? What do you fear?
I don't have this problem as my parents were both dead by the time I was 25...they weren't especially old, just bad luck

However I can very well understand what people fear. Some elderly people require 24 hour care...how can you work and bring up your family whilst providing that? Or you have to work out how to fund a care home...it must be a nightmare.

I'm a little relieved I won't have to deal with this to be honest. Once my DC are grown up, I'll be free of caring responsibilities whilst my friends will have to deal with their parents

It's the world's shittest silver lining, but I'll take it