I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

[SuperbLyrebird]

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

I'm 41 and the youngest child. My father had me at 40 and my mother was 34. When I was at school I was by far the child with the oldest parents and got teased a lot. I remember when my dad was 50 and I was 10 and I got made fun of so much for having a grandad as a dad. It didn't help that my dad lost his hair and went grey in his 30's!
Fast forward and my mum is 75 and my dad 80. My dad hasn't really aged much and mum looks great too. They are obviously showing their age but my dad can still kick a football around with my boys no problem at all. They are both out and about all the time
My in laws are over 10 years younger and my father in law in particular sits on the sofa all day and rarely goes out and has lots of health problems
As it goes one of the main bullies has children at the same school as my children and she is actually an older mum herself. She's 42 and her youngest is a baby. And despite her parents being much younger than mine, she lost her father 20 odd years ago and her mum is in really bad health too

Keeping yourself fit and healthy, well that didn’t stop my DM getting Alzheimer’s in her 60’s.
I'm sorry for your poor DM.
Nothing is guaranteed my DM didn't keep herself fit or healthy she suffered years of pain bone issues catching covid and dying at 69.
All you can do is hope for the best on top of being healthy.

[quote Bargebill19]@ManifestDestinee
You actually dismissed my experience in your reply.
So according to you, if someone asks me what I think of older parents, I’m supposed to nod meekly and say “go ahead dear it’s a brilliant idea”?
No sorry, I won’t kowtow to that kind of enslavement of thought. I will say I don’t think it’s a good idea and exactly why, if asked. If that judging - then damn right I judge.[/quote]
Why on Earth would you judge?

Why is it ok to judge the effects on children of having teenage parents, but not older ones? We’ve had mentions of children being neglected and going to prison if their parents are teenagers, but if you point out older parents are more likely to die before younger ones, that’s ‘judgey’ can anyone explain?

Take each day as it comes OP, don't be worrying about things decades away

good advice.

Why are so many on MN obsessed with people becoming carers? We won't be caring for DH's divorced parents. They live a few hours away and, should the time come, we'll support them from afar in downsizing or moving into assisted living. They can use their pensions/equity to pay for cleaners or carers and taxis to appointments.

We also don't expect DD to be our carer. We hope she'll always have a loving interest in us because that's what families do.

If its any consolation I know a couple who are TTC, she's 43 but he's 59 (and not particularly healthy)...
Desperately unfair on the potential child but there we go.
As PP have said, people in their 20s die too

I was 37 when DC1 born. Not old by todays standards but DH was 46.
He's now 71 and DC are 23 and 25.
It does feel as though they have an old person for a parent. Neither is likely to have children any time soon.
On the other hand DH is as fit as a flea and I, at 63, have a catalogue of health problems. Not self inflicted as someone suggested. I have always lived a healthy lifestyle but cancer and auto immune disease didn't seem to know that.

There are many threads on MN along the lines of "am I too old at 40, 45 etc." The replies saying no, go for it, always come from other people of similar age with babies or small children and seldom from much older people.
My only regret about having children is that I didn't do it 5 years earlier.

@Realyorkshiretea

Why is it ok to judge the effects on children of having teenage parents, but not older ones? We’ve had mentions of children being neglected and going to prison if their parents are teenagers, but if you point out older parents are more likely to die before younger ones, that’s ‘judgey’ can anyone explain?

Where did anyone say it was ok? They haven’t. The postering question (correctly) pointed out that the stats and research show children of teenage parents tend to experience higher levels of poverty, do less well academically etc etc as a counterweight to the claim that older parents will use their children as unpaid carers - that’s all.

We are older parents and I’m dying to know what I’m being judged on.

My gran had my dad at 40 and thankfully she lived until shw was 98,my dad was 58.

@MintyGreenDream

My gran had my dad at 40 and thankfully she lived until shw was 98,my dad was 58.

Same with my great-gran. After having my great grand aunt at 45 she even made a will (and a breastfeeding will) for her care because in India, at the time, you were lucky to survive childbirth if you were over 45. She ended up living beyond 100 and actually became a great-gran through her youngest child. She was active right up until her death.

In contrast one of my grandmothers lived until 85 (she also had a child at 40) with serious autoimmune problems. And another was unusually fit and healthy (not even bp at 69) but ended up falling off a horse and cart while travelling Asia and breaking her skull.

Where did anyone say it was ok? They haven’t. The postering question (correctly) pointed out that the stats and research show children of teenage parents tend to experience higher levels of poverty, do less well academically etc etc as a counterweight to the claim that older parents will use their children as unpaid carers - that’s all. We are older parents and I’m dying to know what I’m being judged on.

Absolutely and I don’t dispute those facts. Yet when you bring up the stats about older parents being more likely to have premature children, children with birth defects, or less likely to live as long as younger parents, everyone brings up anecdotes of their 159 year old gran that’s fit as a fiddle, and calling you ‘judgey’

I know you’re using the 159 gran as an example of how ridiculous it is to claim anyone has a parent that old, but really - why would anyone judge another parent for being older? It’s been pointed out that while it’s more likely - of course - that people are more likely to have chronic conditions in later years, but why not say obese or overweight parents, or parents who smoke, or drink to excess, or never exercise? They're are more likely to have chronic conditions well before 70, or have problems during pregnancy and require higher levels of intervention. If you’re desperate to judge, that is.

So, remind me (as older parents), what are you judgey folk judging us on?

I only knew all of my grandparents to age 15. They had my parents young and my parents had me young. My mum died aged 48. I’ve past that age now so that’s a bonus.

So, remind me (as older parents), what are you judgey folk judging us on?

Quite often on these threads it's a case of 'I had older parents and it was awful so therefore I judge all older parents'. It is sad of course if anyone feels they had a bad childhood or their life has been negatively impacted by their parents - but more often than not it's because of the parenting rather than the age. 'My parents were old and we were never allowed friends round and they were really strict and we never went out' is one I see quite often (not on this thread) but surely that's just poor parenting nothing to do with age? As is the pp talking about having to financially support her older parents - DH and I are absolutely determined that won't ever need to happen and have planned accordingly so its hardly an automatic result of being an older parent.

I had an older parent and I am one. In both cases, it was and is still fine. It was hard losing my mum in my early 30s, I feel a bit jealous sometimes of friends who still have their mums around, it hurts that she never met dd. And do you know what? I've had a lovely life regardless and I wouldn't have swapped my mum for the world not even if it meant being older when I lost her. I hate the thought of leaving DD and her grieving for me but its going to happen one day - it's not necessarily easy at whatever age it happens and I hope that she will feel about me the way I did about my mum. FWIW my FIL recently lost his own mum, FIL is mid 70s and is bereft, he and my MIL have also spent what should have been their golden retirement years caring for her and its really taken a toll.

Oh and another FWIW - I cared for my mum through her illness and I gave up quite a lot to do so. It was the right thing to do and I don't resent it nor has it ruined my life. I hope DD is never in that position and I absolutely won't be expecting her to care for me if so, but that's true whether I had her at 16 or at 46.

@SirChenjins

I know you’re using the 159 gran as an example of how ridiculous it is to claim anyone has a parent that old, but really - why would anyone judge another parent for being older? It’s been pointed out that while it’s more likely - of course - that people are more likely to have chronic conditions in later years, but why not say obese or overweight parents, or parents who smoke, or drink to excess, or never exercise? They're are more likely to have chronic conditions well before 70, or have problems during pregnancy and require higher levels of intervention. If you’re desperate to judge, that is.

So, remind me (as older parents), what are you judgey folk judging us on?

Because that’s the topic of the thread, so we are discussing the general subject?

I get perplexed when people claim most 70 year olds are fit and healthy. I dont know any who are. Literally none.

I'm from a middle class background in an affluent market town. No one in my immediate circle/ family has reached 70. All my friends in their 30s/40s have lost one or both parents already.

I had no awareness of this when I was younger. I certainly would have had my dc earlier than my 30s if I'd known.

It's all swings and roundabouts and ever situation is different. Mil was very young and finished having kids at 21. Begged us to make her a grandmother then fucked off and emergrated to the other side of the world never to see them.at 56.

Fil also young fit healthy lived half a mile away and never saw his grandkids. My dad died at 65.

You could be a involved parent at 75, dead at 50, fit healthy and absent at 65.

One person will not have the outcome of the next person like every single situation in this life. You can die when your kids are any age. Death isnt exclusive to the old, I'll or infirm. It's not fussy but I do appreciate age and death are linked obvs. But being a younger parent is no guarantee of presence in your adult childs life for anyone. In fact some people like my family actively avoid it

The topic was about whether other parents who had their children in their forties feel sad. It’s then gone down a multitude of different paths as happens and we now have some posters (who haven’t had their DC in their forties) judging other older parents because their children are going to become their unpaid carers etc.. If that’s the yardstick to judge parents by I wonder why we’re not discussing all parents who are unhealthy/ill/etc - why just older parents?

@SirChenjins

The topic was about whether other parents who had their children in their forties feel sad. It’s then gone down a multitude of different paths as happens and we now have some posters (who haven’t had their DC in their forties) judging other older parents because their children are going to become their unpaid carers etc.. If that’s the yardstick to judge parents by I wonder why we’re not discussing all parents who are unhealthy/ill/etc - why just older parents?

Yes and we now have some people who haven’t had children in their teens, ‘judging’ teen mums for being negligent. I mean why not discuss all parents who are negligent, not just younger ones?

No, we had a poster responding to the stats about older parents with stats about young parents.

@SuperbLyrebird

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

I have the exact same age gap with my son, tried for years for a baby but it just didn't happen till later. My mum died at 59, it makes me sad we will probably not get as long together as I'd have liked but at least we have now xx

@SirChenjins

No, we had a poster responding to the stats about older parents with stats about young parents.

My point is that people on a thread about being an older parent are affronted by the stats about being an older parent, saying ‘we are not all statistics’ etc, but are quite happy to trot out the ones about teen mums. I’m pointing out the lack of consistency - you can’t be offended by stats that apply to you, and then counter that by doing it to someone else.

@SuperbLyrebird

Take each day as it comes OP, don't be worrying about things decades away

good advice.

Why are so many on MN obsessed with people becoming carers? We won't be caring for DH's divorced parents. They live a few hours away and, should the time come, we'll support them from afar in downsizing or moving into assisted living. They can use their pensions/equity to pay for cleaners or carers and taxis to appointments.

We also don't expect DD to be our carer. We hope she'll always have a loving interest in us because that's what families do.

I think if you plan & save for your care, appreciate it will be expensive & are willing to go into a care home if necessary, theoretically it won’t have an impact.

But a lot of elderly people have a change of heart when actually confronted with this, insist on staying in their (commonly unsuitable) home, and implore their children to help them out rather than letting strangers in to do it. Which is sort of understandable as they feel very vulnerable.

I am both am older mother (kids at 39 and 40) AND the child and grandchild of older parents. I didn't know either of my grandad as they were in their 80s when I was born. My mum was the oldest mum in the class, and older than one of my classmates gran.

It doesn't matter. My parents didn't have any caring responsibilities for their parents, and now that I am nearly 50 and my parents in their late 80s, they are both very fit for their age and no loss of mental faculties unlike many of my former classmates parents.
You don't know how health and circumstances will work out.

Literally no-one has said they are affronted by the stats which show that older parents are more likely to die before their children are middle aged than younger parents - but they have (rightly so) challenged those posters ‘shuddering’ ‘feeling sad for what their children could lose’ creating a generation of ‘unpaid carers’ when they ‘have a choice to become older parents’ - because those aren’t stats. If the same things were said about teenage parents, or parents of any age who are ill or disabled then those posters would (rightly) be challenged too.