I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

[SuperbLyrebird]

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

I turned 29 on the day my mum turned 70. It's not weird at all.

I’m just pointing out that settling down in your 20s/early 30s doesn’t equal a rushed decision and imminent familial breakdown

That wasn’t what the particular ‘Mr Perfect/find a new man after 45’ post was about though.

I can only speak from my own experience. I'm 32 and I was born when my mum was 43.

There were a few issues relating to her age when I was growing up, but most of them boiled down to the fact that she's not a particularly warm, open or empathetic woman, and we're not close now.

The main issue was that, when I was a hormonal teen (nothing dreadful, just sometimes emotional), she was going through the menopause. I felt that her hormonal and emotional changes were prioritised above mine and that any hormonal outbursts I had were simply not allowed or acceptable, whereas hers were 'fine'. There is also the scientific position that women can sometimes lose their loving, more selfless sides after menopause, and I feel that this was true in her case, as she seemed totally disinterested in me from my early teens (not using this as yet another stick to beat menopausal women with, it's just my experience/what I have read!)

I'm now very close to my mother in law, who is 57, and I think perhaps my mother realises that this may be down to the fact that she has far more energy, and is much more open and friendly. My parents has extremely austere 1950s childhoods and I think they're often restricted by social conventions that only really exist in their heads now. An example of this was my wedding; they were a bit shocked at some of our non-traditional choices, which again just seems to accentuate the age difference between us.

I'm now trying to conceive myself and have to mentally fight back the feeling that I have left it too late myself. The main worry I have in addition is that my parents are now int heir mid 70s, are slowing down, starting to have little memory lapses. My brother lives 300 miles from them and doesn't drive; I'm 100 miles from them and do drive. I worry that I'll have to deal with small children AND increasingly vulnerable and frail parents (as many people do have to do) and that I'll lose them before I'm 40, just as I'd lost 3 grandparents by the age of 3, and all of them by 10.

None of this is meant as criticism, it's just my take on it.

If I reach 70 my eldest will be 48. But the reason I had mine young was because I aren't in the best of health. If you are, it wouldnt be a problem

*traumatisednoodle

Those years between 25-35 (25-30 even more so) are your best chance to have heathly pregnancies and children with the lowest risk of complications and disability. If living life/travelling/ finding Mr Perfect/career progression is more important to you then fine. But you are trading one set of risks for another.

You can travel/ progress in your career or find a new man between after 45, you can't get those peak fertile years backm

Oh.My.God.

You’re seriously suggesting that a woman should have kids with a man she will probably break up from just because he’s around during her “peak fertile years”. Cos children do benefit so much from a family breakup don’t they?*

Is there data that settling down after 35, makes it less likely the relationship will last ?
IME men in their late 40's are just as likely to be useless as men in their 30's.

All these choices are valid, but not risk free.

Is there data that settling down after 35, makes it less likely the relationship will last ?
IME men in their late 40's are just as likely to be useless as men in their 30's.

What are you talking about? Your suggestion was that woman should not bother with “finding Mr Perfect” and just have a baby with whichever bloke is around at the time she is most fertile. The likelihood of the relationship breaking up is not related to age, it’s related to her having a baby with someone who is not right for her.

Yes, if she wants to have a baby then she may still end up having to settle with someone who is not right in her forties, but the point is that it is ridiculous to suggest that it’s unfair on any children to have them in your forties just because you didn’t find the right man in your twenties or thirties. I’d say that happy parents and a stable family are a bigger advantage than younger but unhappy parents.

@SirChenjins

I’m just pointing out that settling down in your 20s/early 30s doesn’t equal a rushed decision and imminent familial breakdown

That wasn’t what the particular ‘Mr Perfect/find a new man after 45’ post was about though.

Exactly!

25-35 is a fairly wide window, hardly any random bloke....

I reckon if I had had kids with 3/4 of my boyfriends I had aged 18+ it would have been ok.

I am just suggesting not letting perfect be the enemy of good.

@traumatisednoodle

25-35 is a fairly wide window, hardly any random bloke....

But the fictional woman in your highly critical scenario was still looking for “Mr Perfect”. So it follows that whoever she is with in the “fertile window” is not right for her. You even said that she should plan to find a new man after 45!

@traumatisednoodle

I reckon if I had had kids with 3/4 of my boyfriends I had aged 18+ it would have been ok.

I am just suggesting not letting perfect be the enemy of good.

Are you divorced now, or split up from your kids’ father?

I presume you must be as you speak with such authority about how that is an acceptable risk to take when building a family.

Your post was quite clear @traumatisednoodle - If living life/travelling/ finding Mr Perfect/career progression is more important to you then fine. But you are trading one set of risks for another....You can travel/ progress in your career or find a new man between after 45, you can't get those peak fertile years back.

So basically, find any bloke that would be 'ok', have kids with him in your twenties and thirties, and then find a new man after 45 if it doesn't work out. Otherwise, you're just trading risks.

Good grief.

I just said it was possible to find a new relationship after 45. Perhaps better than missing your fertile window completely.

@SirChenjins

Your post was quite clear *@traumatisednoodle* - If living life/travelling/ finding Mr Perfect/career progression is more important to you then fine. But you are trading one set of risks for another....You can travel/ progress in your career or find a new man between after 45, you can't get those peak fertile years back.

So basically, find any bloke that would be 'ok', have kids with him in your twenties and thirties, and then find a new man after 45 if it doesn't work out. Otherwise, you're just trading risks.

Good grief.

Yes that’s exactly what she said

My eldest will be 48 when I’m 70. Youngest will be 37.

We may as well go back to arranged marriages of the only thing that matters is having kids when you are at your most fertile. The woman gets all her happiness from the kids, who cares if her relationship is shit?

@traumatisednoodle

I just said it was possible to find a new relationship after 45. Perhaps better than missing your fertile window completely.

Words fail me - and that doesn't happen often.

Do you have any idea how that sounds?

@traumatisednoodle

I just said it was possible to find a new relationship after 45. Perhaps better than missing your fertile window completely.

Ah but hold on. This thread is not about missing out on having kids at all. It’s about choosing not to be a parent in your forties. You say that women have a duty to their children not to do the latter.

That is a completely different decision to deciding when you need to settle if you want to have kids at all.

@HaveringWavering

We may as well go back to arranged marriages of the only thing that matters is having kids when you are at your most fertile. The woman gets all her happiness from the kids, who cares if her relationship is shit?

You’re spot on. Having children while the bloom is on the rose, and being a dutiful fertile life to an arse of a husband who you rushed into marrying, is the only thing that matters. And that’s exactly the point we’ve been making.

🙄

Your post was quite clear@traumatisednoodle- If living life/travelling/ finding Mr Perfect/career progression is more important to you then fine. But you are trading one set of risks for another....You can travel/ progress in your career or find a new man between after 45, you can't get those peak fertile years back.

So basically, find any bloke that would be 'ok', have kids with him in your twenties and thirties, and then find a new man after 45 if it doesn't work out. Otherwise, you're just trading risks

This is real life and was freely accepted for 1,000s of years (read Jane Autsin) Women are seduced by the fairy tale myth, it's "four wedding and a funeral syndrome" isn't it ?

The romantic relationship must be primary, everytging else must fit round it.

Good grief aren't we more liberated than that ?

Sorry @Realyorkshiretea I don’t get the sarcasm and eye roll. Explain?

@traumatisednoodle

Your post was quite clear@traumatisednoodle- If living life/travelling/ finding Mr Perfect/career progression is more important to you then fine. But you are trading one set of risks for another....You can travel/ progress in your career or find a new man between after 45, you can't get those peak fertile years back.

So basically, find any bloke that would be 'ok', have kids with him in your twenties and thirties, and then find a new man after 45 if it doesn't work out. Otherwise, you're just trading risks

This is real life and was freely accepted for 1,000s of years (read Jane Autsin) Women are seduced by the fairy tale myth, it's "four wedding and a funeral syndrome" isn't it ?

The romantic relationship must be primary, everytging else must fit round it.

Good grief aren't we more liberated than that ?

You know full well that there is a huge difference between chasing a romantic ideal and choosing a partner that you have a reasonable chance of staying with for the whole of your children’s childhoods. Stop trying to devalue women who respect themselves enough to want to find durable partnerships instead of just popping out kids.

I feel really sorry for the children and potential grandchildren of older parents because it is very unlikely that they will be around to fulfil that role.

It's hard losing your parents at any age , but you don't expect to lose them when you're in your 30s/40s, which is much more likely with older parents.

Tbh, I think it is really selfish of people to have children once they are in their 40s+, but that is my opinion and why I had all mine by 30.

Your posts are becoming increasingly bizarre @traumatisednoodle

So - because women have been finding an 'ok' bloke for 1000s of years to reproduce with (and not progressing their careers) it's still a perfectly fine approach in 2021 - and we really shouldn't expect more?

Exactly what is your definition of liberation?