a post on the community page about my 2 year old.

[youngandbroken]

Namechanged because this is outing. I saw a Facebook post on the local community page about a woman mistreating a toddler and something about it just screamed at me that it was my toddler. I don't know exactly what made me ask because some details in the post were wrong but I messaged the poster for more information and I was right. She had pictures of the person (family member) who looking after my child. I've spoken to the person who wrote it and I just feel sick. I knew my child cried alot and didn't really like this person but my child is very shy in general and hasn't had alot of chance to socialise over the last couple of years for obvious reasons so I did just assume it was something they would grow out of but now my head is spinning and everything feels very surreal. I know it can be very frustrating having a baby crying and not being able to do much about it but they are only 2 and surely if you can't cope you just say you can't cope, not take them and then treat them so awfully that people want to report them! I feel so angry and guilty for my child. I don't think my child is an angel, just a normal 2 year old.

It’s extra upsetting because a 2 year old can’t tell you what went on that day. I suspect your MiL wouldn’t have been so awful if she thought your child would go home and tell you everything.

That's horrendous. You have to tell her that you know, that she was photographed and that she will never be left with your children again.

I read a post on a local FB page this morning about an incident that sounds similar, and people had contacted Social Care!

Sounds awful OP, how could you trust your MIL again?

@youngandbroken you said that your older DC adores DC and gets away with things...

It could be a golden child (the favoured one) and scapegoat (never will be the favourite, treated differently) scenario.

It can be easy for DH to be lulled into 'but mil was never bad to older dc so this is exaggerated' but it can happen that people have favourites and treat them so accordingly and it can cause real problems between the two siblings. Children are not daft and they know when they are being treated differently from a sibling.

DH will want to minimise it all because he may think it is normal because that is what he had growing up maybe but his children who are vulnerable and their needs have to come before mil and her feelings.

Ah, having read all your posts, op, I now see there were no photographs. Sorry, for some reason I thought they were.

Therefore you have no proof it was your child with her grandmother. We naturally think of our own when we read something like this but you could be quite wrong.

As grandma where she was on that day, what she did, etc. She could have been in a completely different place at the time.

@Plumtree391

Ah, having read all your posts, op, I now see there were no photographs. Sorry, for some reason I thought they were.

Therefore you have no proof it was your child with her grandmother. We naturally think of our own when we read something like this but you could be quite wrong.

As grandma where she was on that day, what she did, etc. She could have been in a completely different place at the time.

Did you read the first post where the op said that the member of the public had taken photos of her mil?

Please don't ever leave your child unattended with her again. I once witnessed my dad hit my son when I had left them together (with my mum) for about five minutes. My sons were never alone with my parents again not even for one minute and we reduced contact generally.

I'd say to your toddler when you change arrangements: granny isn't allowed to look after you any more because she's too grumpy and you need someone kind to look after you.

Imo it's more important to reassure a child that you have standards on their behalf than to upset a family member.

How is your partner minimising it?

Is he likely to be in denial/embarrassed because it is his mum and needs a bit of time to come to terms with it?

I would let that be your first step, let your dp come to terms with it, with the expectation you are both on exactly the same page going forward.

Then together as a united front speak, first calmly, to his mum to find out her side of the story. Tell her the minimum of what you have been told and see what she says and then decide how to deal with it.

I would stay calm and tell her it is unacceptable, it is abusive to the point a stranger felt the need try to find you to protect your dd, she is not the person you thought she was and you are digusted by her actions, she will never be left alone with her dgd again and if anyone ever asks you why, you will be telling them.

Start sorting out childcare options now, or book a day off next week to give yourself time to sort it out.

That could have been the source of my confusion, Sudoko. Later on I got the impression there were no photographs.

If there are photos the op must tackle head on.

@Plumtree391, op said she’d contacted the fb poster and the time, place, and photo of the mil told her what she needed tô know

Thank god you saw this post. I agree with screenshotting the posts, hiding the posters name then giving them to your mil.

Sorry @Plumtree391, cross posted with you

@Beautiful3

For a stranger to witness that and post it on fb, it must have been really serious. No-one would do that unless it was bad, because of the repricussions. Also its easy to track down the people who posted it, so it's easy to harass the poster. I would 100 percent NOT leave your child with this person, ever again.

I have seen some really terrible false or misleading accusations posted on our local community group. We had a 'witness' that claimed to see someone torturing a cat she posted names of one of the people accused. Turned out to be a crazy ex but not before his life had been threatened multiple times and his house been targeted. The police had to step in (and also release a statement saying the allegations were false) Just last week a lady was panicking because a 'man had been seen hanging round her garden and taking photos'. She posted a photo of the poor man (does anyone recognise this man) which was shared over 100 times with lots of Chinese whispers thrown in (he had been seen swigging from a bottle of wine etc etc) Turned out to be the lady's new landlord he had told her he would be round some point in the week and she forgot! I am absolutely not saying this is the case here of course not but, just pointing out for future reference...social media especially fb community pages can be full of gossip and half truths. Some people do love to be dramatic and get attention so you gave to be ever so careful.

Has mother in law ever indicated that she doesn't want to look after your 2 year old? Maybe she can't cope if she is going through a difficult stage. Although it sounds like from the toddlers reaction to being left with her, it might be an ongoing problem.

Hi OP if I was you I would immediately ring the NSPCC helpline for advice, and obviously never leave any of your children alone with her again. DON'T let your DP minimise this, that is how abusers are enabled...imagine it was a childminder who treated his toddler like this - I doubt he would be giving them the slightest benefit of the doubt then. If this is how she treats your LO in public, I dread to think what goes on behind closed doors. Your poor baby and poor you.

I suspect he's minimising because it's his child and his mother. If his mother was seen treating a vulnerable adult like that in public, with her picture on facebook, wouldn't he be mortified? And wouldn't he be disgusted at her behaviour?
So why when it's a baby, is it ok?

You can't take any chances with this

It’s really good you have third party confirmation. This is important as your partner / mum may want to ‘babysit’ or look after in the future and you really need your partner fully on board.

Obviously she should never have your child alone again. Actually it might be worth phoning NSPCC to ask their advice. Because what about social events etc, how to approach this, how to explain to MIL and what rules to have.

If you do this right now, then you avoid having an argument in the future where ‘MIL has changed she’s okay now’ or whatever.

Horrible. Your poor child and you.

As others have said, if this person can act like this in public, it raises my concern about how she could act at home and with less inhibition and no witnesses. Your child can’t tell you in words what’s been happening but it sounds like they have been telling you in other ways.

i’d absolutely print it off and show your MIL and ask wtf she’s thinking

Also completely with those who suggest taking a firm stance against minimisation.

I had this issue with SIL - my now Ex completely minimised a couple of incidents where DS was bullied by another child in her care - and I knew this would escalate. DS very vulnerable special needs and clear safeguarding issue (but unlike you OP very difficult to prove).

Ex has never believed me as he took it as an attack on his SIL. It is very hard to get our head around but sometimes people really will defend their family over their childs welfare.

I am now branded as a controlling person by SIL and by Ex - who really could be letting DS spend time around there if they wanted - as we are separated.

But I just won’t stop saying no unsupervised access and just holding your line OP is often enough. But be prepared for the backlash which is why phoning NSPCC is a good idea, get official back up.

OP I just wanted to say how sorry I was to read this.... and your poor child.. I'm so sorry..

I would tell mil a friend saw her and dc out. Watch for her reaction..

@youngandbroken

RedHelenB but the post wasn't about a child tantruming, it was about a child being grabbed at screamed at to shut up. Those are two very different things. But for the record yes, she will be able tell her side but I don't see anything that could excuse that nor do I think someone would go to the effort of making up something like this and taking photos? For what purpose.

You said in your initial post sone details were wrong? What did the photo actually show?

I just think the only thing you can do is to ask MIL her version of events and go from there. Local fb forums can be very gossipy and exaggerated. Juat try to stay calm, it may be your MIL isn't coping with a demanding toddler and if that's the case best it's come to light sooner rather than later

I posted about something similar to this in Jan/Feb this year.

I had begun to look after my granddaughter because my daughter was returning to work.

I hadn't seen her much because of lockdown/childcare bubbles. I was effectively a stranger to her. Boris Johnson had decided from 2nd December that those with children under 1 yr could have some support - so we visited as much as possible from this date to build a relationship with our granddaughter.

To begin with I had her one day a week. The first week she was very quiet. The second week she started screaming as soon as mum went out. She was still screaming half an hour later when mum arrived at work. I rang mum and was told to take her for a walk in the pushchair - it was raining. I walked about for three hours, she had about 30 min sleep in between sobs/screams.

She started screaming again as I tried to put her in the high chair for lunch. She didn't eat any lunch. She was screaming/kicking/wrestling when I changed her nappy.

She was so upset - I rang mum and she came home early from work.

Granddaughter was upset. I was upset. Mum was upset.

My ears were still ringing when granddaughter finally stopped screaming.

It took another three weeks before we had a day without screaming. I was conscious of others thinking I was mistreating my granddaughter - when I was struggling to get her into the pushchair when her body was rigid and I was trying to get her legs under the bar and her arms into the harness.

We can still have 'episodes' of screaming when I take her out of the swing in the park and try to put her back in the pushchair. Or she doesn't want lunch at lunchtime. Or she doesn't want a nappy on/changing. Or she doesn't want to be in a shop/pushchair/car seat. It's been a difficult and fine line to follow - she's a strong willed little girl and 'going along with her wishes' could be seen as 'pandering' to every whim. But I'm desperate to keep the peace and not induce screaming as it is so upsetting for all concerned.

I did not allow this with my own children they followed my routine - but maybe they were more easy going children. They did not dictate how the day was going to pass. My granddaughter has me completely wrapped around her little finger - and I let her get away with it.

I absolutely adore her, she is funny and inquisitive and quite advanced with regards to milestones. She certainly knows how to get what she wants.

I just thought this may be another perspective for OP to consider if her child wasn't used to being left with MIL.