a post on the community page about my 2 year old.

[youngandbroken]

Namechanged because this is outing. I saw a Facebook post on the local community page about a woman mistreating a toddler and something about it just screamed at me that it was my toddler. I don't know exactly what made me ask because some details in the post were wrong but I messaged the poster for more information and I was right. She had pictures of the person (family member) who looking after my child. I've spoken to the person who wrote it and I just feel sick. I knew my child cried alot and didn't really like this person but my child is very shy in general and hasn't had alot of chance to socialise over the last couple of years for obvious reasons so I did just assume it was something they would grow out of but now my head is spinning and everything feels very surreal. I know it can be very frustrating having a baby crying and not being able to do much about it but they are only 2 and surely if you can't cope you just say you can't cope, not take them and then treat them so awfully that people want to report them! I feel so angry and guilty for my child. I don't think my child is an angel, just a normal 2 year old.

OK. So your partner deals with his mum. You tell him that your child is never going to her again and that you now need to work out alternative arrangements for childcare and/or your work.

Be clear that this is entirely down to her actions and is utterly non negotiable - your child's welafre comes above her hurt feelings/anger and any desire he has not to make her angry ro sad - in short he has to grow up that last bit - prioritise his mum or his partner and child?

Do you have any way of replacing that day's childcare?

Cancel contact. Forward the messages and let your partner deal with the fall out. She wouldn't see me or my child again.

@youngandbroken

It was a weekly arrangement for 1 day a week so I could go to work. That's obviously got to change now.

Can your partner rearrange his working schedule so he is off on mondays?

@MolyHolyGuacamole No, I wasn't questioning the validity of the claim. I was trying to understand if the OP understood that the level of concern from a random member of the public is quite significant. I used to be a safeguarding social worker so I was trying to gauge if the OP could grasp that level of concern was significant. She can and does.

OP I am glad you aren't going to let her look after your DC again. She clearly can't cope and that level of neglect (leaving a child to scream, in a buggy, in the sun) is not meeting their needs. You are doing the right thing.

@noshowwithoutpunch I stupidly thought it was something she would grow out of. My elder daughter loves this person and honestly if anything has been allowed to get away with murder with them, I had no reason to suspect this. I had alot of people reassuring me that it's quite common for young children to cry when being left, especially as she hasn't had a lot of socialisation and does have separation anxiety. This person is quite loud which is unusual for her I had all these reasons for not thinking something more sinister. I was obviously very, very wrong.

You don’t need to say anything other than the arrangement is cancelled. It’s not important to go over it because the situation can never arise again in the future.

@youngandbroken

It is my partners mum and I don't know if I want to talk to her, I don't know what I would even say I am so angry and upset right now.

Omg OP this made me shudder. I'm a new grandma and I just cannot ever imagine treating my GC like this ever. There are NO reasons to ever justify this.

I'm sure you will never leave them alone together again. What a horrible shock for you to find out like this. Your poor child being abused by a supposedly loving grandma.

@SafeMove oh, having reread your comment that makes sense now

OMG this breaks my heart.

Your Poor child, no child should ever be handled in that way.
Your partners needs to man up - Your child has been emotional, and physically abused in broad day light by his mother and he is minimising it? WTF? I cant bear to think what happens behind closed doors!!

You need to stop visits with her, I hate to say this id rather loose my job and rely on benefits then leave my child with a vicious human!

So sad for you Op. Don't let anyone tell you you're overreacting. You don't get any second chances with kids. If she's like that with an audience then who knows what she could potentially do.

[quote youngandbroken]@noshowwithoutpunch I stupidly thought it was something she would grow out of. My elder daughter loves this person and honestly if anything has been allowed to get away with murder with them, I had no reason to suspect this. I had alot of people reassuring me that it's quite common for young children to cry when being left, especially as she hasn't had a lot of socialisation and does have separation anxiety. This person is quite loud which is unusual for her I had all these reasons for not thinking something more sinister. I was obviously very, very wrong.[/quote]
Stop both children from seeing her! She's dangerous!

@MolyHolyGuacamole No worries! I often use circular questioning instead of direct because of training and forget that it looks a bit strange! I have never assume, never presume drilled into me so when I ask a question sometimes it looks sarcastic written down!

Don't allow her to see your kids again. Tell her that she has been seen in public abusing your child. Jesus, if she's like that in public what the hell is she like behind closed doors? No wonder your child doesn't like her. Tell your dp he's lucky you are not reporting his abusive mother to the police. He needs to cop the fuck on and prioritise his children, not his mother.

Your partner is not doing any favours by minimising this it needs to be dealt with not swept under the carpet.

She would never see my child again. I think I would have to be restrained from going anywhere near MIL because I'd probably rip her head off.

You are not stupid, there are all kinds of explanations for kids taking against someone, you clearly gave it a lot of thought - it's awful for you that the worst case scenario turned out to be the reason. My DD once took against a nursery worker for having a mole on their face and therefore being a witch - you can't just trust them at 2, you stay alert and probe, as you did.

Can you broach it in a way that sounds semi official, that you've had a report about your child being mistreated and you've been advised to stop the childcare arrangement. You don't have to say the report was on a FB group and the advice was on MN!

I might be tempted to show her the video and ask her to explain as a first step. Her response to watching the video in front of you without warning will be very telling.
Obviously all contact moving forwards will need to be supervised with both children. The younger child however should not be ‘made’ to see this woman under any circumstances.

Did your partner have bad experiences with her as a child? Does your older child spend time with her and your 2 year old? Would they be old enough to drop a few casual questions to about how things were the last time. Have either of you spoken to her yet. I am in NO way saying this is the case but I have seen some terrible accusations through around social media community groups that turned out to be not at all what they first seemed

Oh my that's heartbreaking, especially that it was bad enough for a member of the public to film it.
You obviously know she cannot be left unsupervised with your child anymore. Your partner is probably feeling ashamed that his mother would behave like that so its easier to minimise it.

Oh my goodness, how awful for you!! Can imagine you feel utterly sick with shock. Don't let that paralyse you and stop you from acting now. If it was me, I'd do the following:

1. Get in touch with the person who posted on the FB group and ask them exactly what they saw.

1. Text / message DP's mum YOURSELF saying she will not be looking after your child ever again, as you have been given information that she was seen mistreating your child in public.

DO NOT insist on your partner doing this. It will only get awkward. The childcare arrangement is between you and her.

1. Leave it there. Go NC with her and don't allow her to see you child, but leave your partner to decide where he stands.

Right now you must be very shocked and upset. You don't have to solve it all now.

But somehow you are going to reach the end goal which is alternative care for your children, and never letting them in this person's care again.

You owe her nothing. It probably feels like a hugely challenging situation if you have difficulty being assertive or if your partner is minimising, but this is the point at which nothing is more important than advocating for your children.

How the woman feels about it or reacts is not your problem so please don't let that affect how you deal with it. If she is as unkind as described, she is unlikely to be apologetic or even honest.

Your partner was probably treated poorly by her too so may have poor boundaries.

I think that after the initial childcare issue is solved, you should probably get some professional support for yourself because this is actually a very horrible situation for anyone, especially if your partner is not really onboard.

I actually wouldn't text the mother in law about the incident just yet, that is going to inflame things even more and probably make you feel worse.
Just focus on finding alternative care, even if it means one of you has to take a day off for a couple of weeks running.

All the in law needs to know is that her services are no longer required. Deal with her when you feel ready.

She can never look after your child alone ever again.
Your partner is a coward.

The person who highlighted this on FB would not have done so had it not been fairly serious, op.

Don't let your child go there again and do keep copies of what the person said and any photographs. Please be upfront with this woman. She should not be looking after her grandchild or any small child, frankly, and needs to know she's been 'caught'.

It's sad but it has happened. Give your little one lots of cuddles and reassurance.

Phew! I cannot imagine my mother in law or my mother being anything but kind to mine, I am so very sorry this has happened.

I’d do the same as if it were an adult being shouted at/physically assaulted and restrained in the hot sun in the street and phone the police. I’d want a statement from the people witnessing/filming the abuse. And your mil would not be setting foot anywhere near my child again.