To ask you to teach me how to be a responsible adult / parent

[Secretagent0077]

Name change for this…

Not sure where to start here….

I’m 36 years old and have come to the realisation that I have no fecking clue how to actually be an adult…..

DH & I have been together for 10 years, have always lived a pretty “relaxed” lifestyle.

We have no debts, both have good jobs.
We pay all of our bills but that’s about as far as our financial responsibilities stretch.

After bills are paid, we have always been big spenders.

We had our first DC 19 months ago.

I went back to work part time, DC goes to nursery.

I’m like a headless chicken…

I do nursery drop off DH does pick up.

DH leaves earlier than me to get to work so he isn’t part of our morning routine.
I leave the house most days a sweaty, stressed mess.

I just cannot find a balance of being able to have a coffee, get myself showered, get DC ready and actually leave the house on time.

I don’t seem to have the time to keep on top of general house work.

I get two days off during the week and they’re
spent at toddler classes with DC or we make plans with our mum/baby friends.

On the days I do stay in I do things with DC and during nap time I just feel too knackered to clean, so I spend the hour (sometimes two) drinking tea and on my phone (or I often read)

When it comes to the weekend I hate staying in,
so I’m always keen to get us all out of the house which again means there’s no time for housework.

Come Sunday night there’s 3/4 loads of washing to be done!
Obviously DC’s is prioritised so mine is usually drying on a Monday morning and I put my clothes on seconds before leaving the house for work.

My car is staring to become a mess, and i can’t actually remember the last time my clothes were in the drawers / wardrobe.

I’ve started to live on takeaways (DC eats a meal at nursery 3 nights) and we have never fed DC takeaway even when we eat them.

I don’t get home from work until 6pm, I get an hour with DC before the bedtime routine starts and then I just don’t feel like cooking.

I have my shopping delivered twice a week and most of the time I end up cancelling the delivery because I haven’t been able to sit and plan my meals so don’t know what to order.

I end up calling to the supermarket each day instead.

I have no clue how other people adult or be a parent and make it look so bloody easy.

I’m proper failing… 😩

You shower before dh leaves in the morning while he watches dc
Do a wash every day just a small one if needs be to keep things ticking over
Look at Fresha etc for cooking will be cheaper than takeaways
Take the car to the car washes at a supermarket they are reasonable and won’t take long and you have a clean car again
If a job takes less than 5minutes do it there and then also this will sound patronising but the more you do the easier it gets. So you might need a weekend at home where you and dh blitz the house and start a fresh or book a days leave while dc are at nursery to do it together it’ll be easier to manage then

Housework wont get done if you are rarely in the house.
Does OH do a fair share of housework?

Family time is great, but not at the expense of a messy disfunctional home.
When my kids were young Saturdays was a time to catch up on housework, so the shopping, taking it in turns to watch the kids.
Do laundry as you go- it takes seconds to shove a load in the machine.
Get up earlier in the morning so you have meore time.

You shower before dh leaves in the morning while he watches dc

@NotYourCupOfTea

DH leaves the house at 6.30am DC wakes at 6am.

I’d have to get up so early for DH to be able to help whilst I get ready. I’m just not in bed early enough. I know I need to start going earlier don’t I.

@speakout

Does OH do a fair share of housework?

Yes, to be fair to him, he does.

There have been times where he will work
from home, he will then help her DC ready and will also do some washing on his lunch hour etc…

If you are up at 6 then surely you can shower in the half an hour window before dh goes to work?

@NotYourCupOfTea

I’m up but not out of bed. Dc wakes and usually asks for milk so he comes into bed with me and will feed for a while before we actually get up.

I think I need to start going to bed earlier so I can get up earlier.

@Secretagent0077

*You shower before dh leaves in the morning while he watches dc*

@NotYourCupOfTea

DH leaves the house at 6.30am DC wakes at 6am.

I’d have to get up so early for DH to be able to help whilst I get ready. I’m just not in bed early enough. I know I need to start going earlier don’t I.

Why can't your husband watch your son for the five minutes it takes for you to shower? While one of you puts the baby to bed, the other one starts dinner/tidies up/wipes surfaces/brushes up/empties dishwasher, etc. It just needs to be part of your routine. I find it unusual that you feel you don't have time to put the clothes in the wash/drier, that takes hardly any time at all and is much easier to do it through the week than have four loads to get washed and dried on a Sunday. Hating staying in on a weekend is leading to a messy home and that would stress me out too much so I'd have to send my husband out with the baby and blitz everything so it's easy to keep on top of going forward.

What time do you get up and what time do you go to bed?

@Waspsarearseholes

Why can't your husband watch your son for the five minutes it takes for you to shower?

He has to get ready himself and it’s not just 5 minutes to shower, I then need dry / straighten my hair and apply (minimal) make up.

I think I need to start going to bed earlier so I can get up earlier.

This is really important.

@MoiraRose4

Usually awake(ish) 6am and we get up at 6.30am

I usually go to bed at 11.30pm - 12am.

Try the organised mum method (Google TOMM).

Your post is basically a description of me and my life.

I’ve had to do a couple of things to get on top of life lately. Firstly, I reduced my hours at work to only 12 hours a week (2 evenings), I kept DC going to child minders one and a half days a week because he loves it and I use that time to catch up on things. That still wasn’t enough in terms of keeping on top of the house etc because like you, I am out almost everyday and when I am home with DC, we are playing and spending time together and I seem to find it hard to prioritise tidying enough to keep things under control. This week we have just signed up with a cleaning agency and we are waiting to be matched up to somebody in our area to come and clean 4 hours a week.

My husband and I have also agreed that each of us will be responsible for cooking 3 days a week which we have written down on the calendar and who ever is cooking is responsible for choosing that meal. We are going to attempt to then do weekly shop, which I also end up cancelling regularly and instead go to the shop everyday.

I honestly do not k ow how people have their shit together enough to get all of this done!

Have a shower at night. Get stuff ready in the evening for the next day, clothes etc. Choose a room to clean a bit each day. You only need to do 30/40 mins, if you’re doing it regularly it will make a difference. Put a load of washing on each morning.
I never really clean at weekends, but try to get the house looking reasonable on a Friday, so that I don’t feel like it needs anything.

I then need dry / straighten my hair

Could you wash your hair in the evening, have a shower in the morning wearing a shower cap, then you only need to straighten it in the morning, not wash and dry.

Shower at night, DC watches 15 mins of iPad/TV while you do make up and get dressed in the morning. Both downstairs for breakfast by 7am, unload the dishwasher while DC eats. Get DH to stick a wash on before he leaves and it will be ready for you to hang out on the airer or outside when you come downstairs. Some days also stick something in the slow cooker for dinner.

Evenings in at 6pm if you don’t have to feed DC those days get something in the oven for you and DH (what time does he get in?) Then you have around an hour to spend with DC, bath, stories, bed. Whoever isn’t doing bedtime finishes off dinner, you both clean up the kitchen and fill the dishwasher, have a quick tidy round and you should be ready to collapse on the sofa by 8.30/9pm.

We have a similar life set up, I'm in bed by 9.30-10.
I'd throw money at the problem and hire a cleaner and inc a few wash loads in what you pay them for

Sunday nights you meal plan and do your shopping order, take this in turns with DH while the other one puts some washing away or tidies up.

@Eve81

I honestly do not k ow how people have their shit together enough to get all of this done!

Maybe someone will come alone and tell us…. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I empathise! I think some people are naturally organised, or learnt it young and others of us didn't .

I think you need to accept that you'll need to decide some regular time to cleaning, meal planning etc. Perhaps a slot each evening, and a half day each weekend.

My advice is to try to make it as pleasant as possible! Sounds silly but I'm way more likely to do it that way. I do an evening clear up before bed, and have an alarm set to remind me. That is my time to listen to a podcast or music while I work. I've come to mostly quite enjoy it. And I like seeing the house all ship shape before I go to bed, and coming down in the morning to a clean kitchen.

The housekeeping board on here has some good threads.

I think your answer is at least partly in going to bed so late. I’m in bed by 10pm 90% of the time so that I can be up by 6am and have enough energy to do what needs to be done. I just couldn’t get by if I was only in bed for midnight.

@speakout

I then need dry / straighten my hair

Could you wash your hair in the evening, have a shower in the morning wearing a shower cap, then you only need to straighten it in the morning, not wash and dry.

@speakout

Oohhh how I wish I could.

I envy people that can do this. I have to wash my hair every day.
I must be a really sweaty sleeper because my hair is so frizzy and greasy on a morning 😩

I’ve tried dry shampoo but I hate the feeling of not having fresh hair.

I’ve honestly tried but I’d rather go to work with zero make up on that greasy unwashed hair.

So. With the best intentions. This just sounds like a lot of excuses, you're not failing, you're just not allowing yourself time to do things.
I wake up an hour earlier than my daughter to get ready for work and to tidy up before she gets up..
Meal prep the night before and cook simple things in the week like tray bakes, stir fries, pasta, slow cooker meals.
As annoying as it is, I do washing every evening. After I put my daughter down I shower, put a wash on, whilst the wash is on I put dinner on, make packed lunches and tidy up..
You have to multi tasks a lot of what you've said is "I don't like, I hate, I don't want" well unfortunately, you have to flip those around and start thinking.. "I have to"

@MoiraRose4

I’m in bed by 10pm 90% of the time

So when do you get time to watch TV or wind down?

@Pebbledashery

* a lot of what you've said is "I don't like, I hate, I don't want" well unfortunately, you have to flip those around and start thinking.. "I have to*

You’re so right!!!!