To ask you to teach me how to be a responsible adult / parent

[Secretagent0077]

Name change for this…

Not sure where to start here….

I’m 36 years old and have come to the realisation that I have no fecking clue how to actually be an adult…..

DH & I have been together for 10 years, have always lived a pretty “relaxed” lifestyle.

We have no debts, both have good jobs.
We pay all of our bills but that’s about as far as our financial responsibilities stretch.

After bills are paid, we have always been big spenders.

We had our first DC 19 months ago.

I went back to work part time, DC goes to nursery.

I’m like a headless chicken…

I do nursery drop off DH does pick up.

DH leaves earlier than me to get to work so he isn’t part of our morning routine.
I leave the house most days a sweaty, stressed mess.

I just cannot find a balance of being able to have a coffee, get myself showered, get DC ready and actually leave the house on time.

I don’t seem to have the time to keep on top of general house work.

I get two days off during the week and they’re
spent at toddler classes with DC or we make plans with our mum/baby friends.

On the days I do stay in I do things with DC and during nap time I just feel too knackered to clean, so I spend the hour (sometimes two) drinking tea and on my phone (or I often read)

When it comes to the weekend I hate staying in,
so I’m always keen to get us all out of the house which again means there’s no time for housework.

Come Sunday night there’s 3/4 loads of washing to be done!
Obviously DC’s is prioritised so mine is usually drying on a Monday morning and I put my clothes on seconds before leaving the house for work.

My car is staring to become a mess, and i can’t actually remember the last time my clothes were in the drawers / wardrobe.

I’ve started to live on takeaways (DC eats a meal at nursery 3 nights) and we have never fed DC takeaway even when we eat them.

I don’t get home from work until 6pm, I get an hour with DC before the bedtime routine starts and then I just don’t feel like cooking.

I have my shopping delivered twice a week and most of the time I end up cancelling the delivery because I haven’t been able to sit and plan my meals so don’t know what to order.

I end up calling to the supermarket each day instead.

I have no clue how other people adult or be a parent and make it look so bloody easy.

I’m proper failing… 😩

Can you not set him up with a couple of toys in the middle of the room and do a bit of cleaning around him? Mine loved doing stuff like sitting in a laundry basket

Well there's your issue, you need to figure out how to get stuff done while he's awake. There's a huge middle ground between giving him undivided attention and ignoring him in his cot!

If you have 3-4 hours a week while he's napping and then squeeze in some more time while he's awake, you should be able to keep much more on top of things.

It only takes about 15 minutes to meal plan for the week and arrange an online shop (once you get the hang of it), you can do that on the weekend when your DH is home.

Get hair permanently straightened? Theres japanese hair straightening? When I used to straighten my hair drying and straightening took minimum 20 minutes with short hair.

It takes 3 mins to put a wash on, not a 1-2 hour nap!

Honestly you sound really time inefficient. Why do you shower twice per day too?

I’d cut down on the tea and phone time while DC is napping. I mean have a quick cup of tea but then get on with it. You might be tired but get to bed earlier!

Also if you have 1-2 hours to chill between 9.30pm and your bedtime, you definitely have time to do online shopping. Put something light on the Tv and shop while you sit on the sofa.

Lastly, as your child gets a bit older they will do tasks with you. Mine loved hanging up laundry when they were little. And mopping too! Now, not so much!

I would also suggest taking one weekend day coming up and devoting a few hours to getting everything organised, this will save you loads of time going forward so it's worth it

Do a meal plan and online shop, then every week after this you can just tweak rather than starting from scratch

Write out what actually needs to be done in the house every week and do a rough schedule, eg Thursday nap time is tidying the living room and kitchen, Friday nap time is the bedrooms and toilet. That way you don't get overwhelmed every week by what needs to be done, you just get in the habit of doing it.

Work out with DH what tasks he can take charge of and which ones you will do, eg during the week maybe you cook and he does the washing up

(sorry posted early)

I know it sounds deathly boring getting organised like this but it will save you so much time and stress, honestly it's worth it. Treat it like a work project -- eliminate everything that doesn't absolutely need to be done, figure out who will do what, and when is the best time to do each step.

Omg this is my life.

Out of interest do you have ADHD?

When he’s awake I can’t clean. Unless I ignore him and shove him in his cot, which isn’t fair.

At 19 months he can play for short periods or follow you around with his own cloth and pretend to help you. You don’t have to be ‘on’ and entertaining him every minute that he’s awake.

Not RTFT but skimmed through all of OP posts.

For housework use the organised mum method, work out when it is going to fit into your schedule (you my hands to adapt it to your work routine) and then ring fence this time. Make sure you do you level 1 jobs every day including the one load of washing per day.

Get an amazon Alexa device and programme reminders for key points in your morning routine in order to keep you on track, when you need to do you daily cleaning and as a reminder to go to bed in time.

Switch your phone to flight mode as soon as you go to bed if you are prone to looking at it in bed and then being tired the next day.

If your child is in nursery several days a week don't feel too much pressure to do toddler groups, be very selective and arrange social events around you rather than your toddler who will be happy to tag along (assuming your friends are happy for this).

Try hello fresh or gusto as it is super quick to order and will be cheaper than take away and you don't have to think too hard.

But most importantly it will get easier when your child is more independent and then even easier when preschool starts.

With all due respect you just need to get on with it. I mean your baby goes down at 6/7 and then you don’t get to bed til midnight. That’s hours for chores/having fun/cooking dinner if you’re really intent on not doing anything whilst he’s awake. The honest answer when I’m working is I just don’t sit down in the week, I’m exceptionally organised, fit in a social life, exercising and a tidy home, you just need to get on with it!

You need to plan your mornings better. The days my child goes to nursery we have to leave at 8:15, I get up at 06:50, get showered and ready, wake DC up at 07:30, have breakfast together and leave.

Housework - you need to share this responsibility with your partner, either do it as you go or do a big clean on a weekend.

Can you get your partner to take child out for a morning on a weekend to sort your wardrobes out?

I do my weekly shop on a Friday, make a list of your meals for the week so you don't buy more than what you need.

Sounds like you and your partner need to share your responsibilities. Just because you work PT doesn't mean you have to take on all the chores. It's his house too.

envy people that can do this. I have to wash my hair every day.I must be a really sweaty sleeper because my hair is so frizzy and greasy on a morning

That's why I don't dry my hair if I shower at night. Towel on pillow dry overnight. It keeps you cool to.

6.45am
We get out of bed, I make DS breakfast.
Whilst he is eating I will make my lunch for the day.
Once he’s eaten, I then get him dressed.
Once he’s dressed he will sit in his cot whilst I get myself showered and ready.
We need to leave the house at 7.40am
I drop him at nursery at 8am. There’s usually a queue at nursery so it around 8.15 when I get away. I get to work for 8.45am.
I start work at 9am and I finish at 5pm.
I get home for 5.45pm.
We bath DS at 6.45pm. Brush teeth, story and then milk by 7.30pm.
He falls asleep on me and I put him into his cot by 8pm (sometimes later depending on how long it takes him to fall asleep)
I then go and make myself some tea (or order a takeaway confused)
Wash the pots from breakfast.
I will get myself a quick shower and into my pjs and by this time it’s normally 9/9.30pm.
I spend the rest of the night sat down watching tv or reading or catching up on messages

If you want more morning time, make your lunch once he's in bed.
If you make lunch in the evening, the time in the morning making lunch can be you chucking diced raw meat and chopped veg in the slow cooker and switch on low for the day.... everyone including DC eats this then in the evening.
Set an alarm on your phone for 9.30/10pm and that's your bedtime end of. You should get an hour of hill time at least, you don't need three!!!
You just have to set aside time each day for some of the weekly chores. It's important you teach your DC the necessity of keeping a clean tidy house, health and safety!!! Less chance of bugs, illnesses, trip hazards etc..DC has to understand you can't play all the time.

ask hairdresser for good easy maintenance cut.

6-6.30 snuggled up in bed while dc has milk sounds lovely but realistically on busy mornings do you have time.
Get up at 5.45 and go in the shower. When dvd wakes up dh can give him milk and take him downstairs for snuggles. You get dressed and ready.
Downstairs for 6.30 for dh leaving.
Breakfast together and clear away as soon as finished.
Make lunch the night before. The time spent normally making lunch can be spent in getting something out the freezer for tea to defrost/ chucking food in a slow cooker.
Upstairs get dc dressed, make beds and leave.

When home. One person does bath the other does a quick tidy up downstairs and sticks the tea on. One person does bedtime the other cleans the bathroom. After you’ve finished eating both clean the kitchen do the dishes and stick a load of washing on.
Make packed lunches, set out clothes for you and dc the next day.
Hour relaxing together/watching tv
Hang washing up before bed
Bed at 10/10.30

What about a sling? I carried mine around with me as I cleaned, tidied etc (obviously used child friendly products)

It can't tags two of you to put DS to bed. Why isn't your husband making tea at that point or why can't you all eat together before DS goes to bed?

@Redwinestillfine

What about a sling? I carried mine around with me as I cleaned, tidied etc (obviously used child friendly products)

When they were 19 months?

Hadn't spotted you both do bath/bed.... Why?

Have you always had time management/organisation problems? Or just now baby is here?

Not being rude but most people working 3 days and with a supportive DH don't live like this.

We get out of bed, I make DS breakfast.
Whilst he is eating I will make my lunch for the day. can you make this the night before? You could put on a laid of washing or wipe down a few sides instead.

I get home for 5.45pm. We bath DS at 6.45pm. Brush teeth, story and then milk by 7.30pm.OK so I assume that hour is play time. What is DH doing?

He falls asleep on me and I put him into his cot by 8pm (sometimes later depending on how long it takes him to fall asleep) what is DH doing?

I then go and make myself some tea (or order a takeaway has DH eaten?

Wash the pots from breakfast. DH could do this whilst you're playing with baby

I will get myself a quick shower and into my pjs and by this time it’s normally 9/9.30pm. if you're having a shower first thing do you need a shower every night as well?

When he’s awake I can’t clean. Unless I ignore him and shove him in his cot, which isn’t fair. at 19 months he should be able to play by himself whilst you Potter around and do stuff unless there's additional needs you've not mentioned.

I used a Bondolino sling, you can use them up until 3 years (I used until 2 and a bit). Best slings ever

There's no reason why you can't shower in the morning with your toddler playing nearby. They don't have to have constant supervision as long you have toddler proofed your home ! (Obvious danger out of the way and stair gate on). They amuse themselves while you get ready. People do this more than one child ! Do a load of washing every morning before work. It keeps on top of it and saves too much at the weekend

@Redwinestillfine

I used a Bondolino sling, you can use them up until 3 years (I used until 2 and a bit). Best slings ever

Yes, I know you can sling toddlers and preschoolers (I regularly back carry my 3.5 yo in a woven wrap on long walks as he has a condition which makes him tire easily). I was querying the necessity to sling a 19 month old to clean. Excepting times when they are ill and assuming no additional needs it shouldn’t be necessary to sling a 19mo to do jobs around the house. They can play happily for short periods.

When you have kids, job etc, you don't get to always do what you WANT to do. Sometimes you do what you HAVE to.

I'll take it point by point.

I just cannot find a balance of being able to have a coffee, get myself showered, get DC ready and actually leave the house on time.
Get up earlier.

I get two days off during the week and they’re spent at toddler classes with DC or we make plans with our mum/baby friends.

Sounds lovely. Change how you socialise. Have a mum and baby friend for coffee at your home & cook while you chat. Do slightly fewer classes to fit in laundry time etc at home.

during nap time I just feel too knackered to clean, so I spend the hour (sometimes two) drinking tea and on my phone (or I often read)

You are making a choice here. Fack about on your phone, or tidy up/clean. When you have kids by default you lose some most of your time for yourself. If you try to retain it, the time you spend doing stuff for/with your children eats into other taske like cleaning or cooking or your job.