To ask you to teach me how to be a responsible adult / parent

[Secretagent0077]

Name change for this…

Not sure where to start here….

I’m 36 years old and have come to the realisation that I have no fecking clue how to actually be an adult…..

DH & I have been together for 10 years, have always lived a pretty “relaxed” lifestyle.

We have no debts, both have good jobs.
We pay all of our bills but that’s about as far as our financial responsibilities stretch.

After bills are paid, we have always been big spenders.

We had our first DC 19 months ago.

I went back to work part time, DC goes to nursery.

I’m like a headless chicken…

I do nursery drop off DH does pick up.

DH leaves earlier than me to get to work so he isn’t part of our morning routine.
I leave the house most days a sweaty, stressed mess.

I just cannot find a balance of being able to have a coffee, get myself showered, get DC ready and actually leave the house on time.

I don’t seem to have the time to keep on top of general house work.

I get two days off during the week and they’re
spent at toddler classes with DC or we make plans with our mum/baby friends.

On the days I do stay in I do things with DC and during nap time I just feel too knackered to clean, so I spend the hour (sometimes two) drinking tea and on my phone (or I often read)

When it comes to the weekend I hate staying in,
so I’m always keen to get us all out of the house which again means there’s no time for housework.

Come Sunday night there’s 3/4 loads of washing to be done!
Obviously DC’s is prioritised so mine is usually drying on a Monday morning and I put my clothes on seconds before leaving the house for work.

My car is staring to become a mess, and i can’t actually remember the last time my clothes were in the drawers / wardrobe.

I’ve started to live on takeaways (DC eats a meal at nursery 3 nights) and we have never fed DC takeaway even when we eat them.

I don’t get home from work until 6pm, I get an hour with DC before the bedtime routine starts and then I just don’t feel like cooking.

I have my shopping delivered twice a week and most of the time I end up cancelling the delivery because I haven’t been able to sit and plan my meals so don’t know what to order.

I end up calling to the supermarket each day instead.

I have no clue how other people adult or be a parent and make it look so bloody easy.

I’m proper failing… 😩

Bed earlier

Try the organised mum method for house work. Even if you have a cleaner it’ll help massively.

Accept that you may not a wind down every evening when your little one is so young. Or try and swap bedtimes so you get breaks some days.

Drop the expectations of chill time for TV every night. You don't need hours of it. An hour is enough.
Put your phone away when you get home and don't get it out until all the jobs are done.
Meal plan at the weekend or in the evening. Write a 3 week rotation and live by it. Batch cook where you can too. Make 3-4 times the recipe and freeze.

In the kindest way, plenty of couples both work FT and still get this shit done.
Plan out your time in the non work days and include chores. Set washing to finish in the morning so you can hang out before work or toddler groups.

I haven’t read all of the thread, but I think lists may help you.

For example - meals during the week. Make a menu for the week, and a list of the ingredients you need, and do one big weekly shop. As you are so busy and stressed at the moment, make some of those meals as easy as possible - buy a pie, so you just have to cook potatoes and vegetables to go with it, or get pizza, or microwave curry. Have a stock of things in the freezer that are easy to cook - battered fish fillets and chips - that sort of thing. If you make something like bolognese, make extra and freeze it, for a night when you are too busy. I know I’m suggesting processed food, but it won’t be any worse for you than takeaways, and it will be cheaper.

Make a list of what you need to have do before you leave the house in the morning, and the things you have to have with you. Time the things you need to do, and make a schedule. Put things ready the night before.

With regards to tidying/cleaning - could you and your Dh take some time off work, and blitz the house - declutter, tidy and clean, so that you are starting with a clean slate - I suspect that the house has got out of hand, and doing the ordinary cleaning is nigh impossible because of everything else that would have to be done before you could do anything - that’s why setting aside some time for a blitz might be the best idea.

Once you’re on top of the house, you can make a list of jobs - daily, weekly, monthly, and divide them up with your Dh.

Op can you give some ideas as to your schedule?
Up @ 6.30 as DH leaves so you need to get you and baby up, washed, dressed and fed. What time do you need to leave?

Set timer on washing machine and do a load overnight every other day.

Could you look at a food delivery service where you just cook the box basically? Even if you just do it the 4 days you don't work.

Whomever isn't putting baby to bed tidies up.

You're going to have to set some weekend time aside to both do housework

I promise I am not doing the MN armchair diagnosis thing here but when I needed to learn how to manage my time efficiently I learnt a lot from the strategies that are suggested to adults managing ADHD (and I have no reason to believe that I have this condition - it’s just useful stuff). They will help you to break tasks down to make them feel less overwhelming.

In the kindest possible way, OP, you need to start looking at all the time you do have. It sounds like you have a child who sleeps, what, 10-11 hours, and still naps? What on earth are you doing for four hours every night from 8pm until midnight?

You are adultung. Its not a great mystery. Just because you arent a stepford wife doesnt mean your not a functioning adult. Your dc's life sounds great.

Tips
Put washload in in the morning before you go to toddler class. (5 mins) Get it out when you get back 12noon, 1pm 3pm, 4pm,? (5 mins) and put it in tumble dryer. If youre just popping back, itll be fine damp in tumble dryer for few hours and turm machine on when your back for afternoon evening. Get washing out as it finishes and fold straight away.

Surely your back home by 4pm, even if out all day. Unless at friends house?
Cook dinner between 4pm and 9pm at some time. Only needs to take 30mins. I always ate as a family, toddler included at about 6pm.
Do you feel the need to constantly hold and entertain your toddler. No baby bouncer? Door bouncer? Play pen?
Hoover in morning before toddler class. Or at 4pm Toddlers love a hoover.

Try
6am (crikey) to 9.30am relax / play.bit of housework. Fill dishwasher, hoover, washload, shower, breakfast...pay bills etc
10 to 12 toddler class
Lunch at home or out.
Out with friends
4pm to 7pm Play / bits of housework / baby dinner.
7pm Baby bedtime / cook dinner.
Evening. Some bits of housework / admin / work prep

You need to overhaul your routine. Washing machine and dishwasher on before you go out - use the dead time.
Try a meal delivery service - hello fresh or Gousto to take pressure off meal planning and shopping but get away from takeaways.
Yes to going to bed earlier. If there’s something on tv there’s always catch up but try reading or listening to a podcast in bed to decompress. The shower thing sounds high maintenance - you may need to readjust how you do this.
But on the other hand you are spending time interacting with your DC, they are fed well and cared for which is the most important thing so you have your priorities in order, it’s just about finding hacks that work for you.

I feel like all these suggestions are great for mums working full time but OP you have four days off every week! It makes more sense to figure out a better way to organise your time on those days.

You asked how to adult, I would say being an adult means sometimes you have to stay home and clean, laundry, meal plan, instead of socialising.

I'd suggest devoting one of those days to all the boring stuff and enjoying your other days off.

First - how you are coping is very normal for masses of first time parents. Don;t be too hard on yourself - you have a new full time job raising DC 24/7 on top of everything else. And imo, getting out and about at weekends is way more fun for the family than staying in and doing housework. It's what we always did. Our house is not the tidiest but we have had loads and loads of fun with DC every week over the years and as a result are very close to them.

I found small routines work best. Top tip - soon as you wake up get dressed, brush your hair and if you need/want a bit of make up. This takes 5 mins max. You can take 5 mins for yourself! Then put a small washload on a short-ish cycle when you come downstairs. Get DC ready, make breakfast. Empty dishwasher while they have breakfast so you can restack it as soon as they are done. Wipe down surfaces, then stick the washload in the dryer before you leave the house.

Everything else, do in 5 minute bursts. 5 minute room tidy - whizz around and hang up coats and bags, pair shoes, chuck out junk mail and clutter.
Or, while kettle is boiling or pasta is cooking do a quick mop or vaccuum of the main areas through the living space. 5 mins max, then stop. Pick a single jonb to do in 5 mins a few times a day.

When DC are in bed at night, as soon as you say goodnight, get into the shower. Make that a routine. That's the separation between your childcare day and your adult time off.

If you can't get to sleep any earlier why not use an hour between you in the evenings to get the house straight while the dc is in bed?

I was like you pre baby with the hair etc - now I just look a bit shit sometimes for work 😂😂 my hair is just quickly dried - no time for a straighter - if doesn’t look amazing 🤷‍♀️

I just bring make up with me to work and put it on there if I can be bothered

I also have my breakfast & coffee at work at my desk

You need to batch cook and take away the stress of cooking

Stick a wash on in the morning before you leave - hang it when you get home! It only takes a few mins

We got a robot hoover - it comes on before we wake up and keeps the place ticking over 😂

We get a cleaner once a month to give the place a deep clean! (I’d have her more if I could afford it but I can’t 🤷‍♀️)

At weekends sometimes my husband and I do a quick spruce up - we literally make a list of things - then we set a 15 minute timer and run around and do as many tasks as possible !! Then we get on with our weekend

[quote Secretagent0077]@speakout

Does OH do a fair share of housework?

Yes, to be fair to him, he does.

There have been times where he will work
from home, he will then help her DC ready and will also do some washing on his lunch hour etc…[/quote]
What time is he back from work? Can he meal plan and cook while you put DC to bed?

Our routine is
morning: DP makes coffee and unloads dishwasher, makes DC breakfast
I get DC dressed, do her hair, teeth, then get in the shower, like you I can't leave without a shower but I don't bother with make up. While I'm there I try to give sink and shelf a quick wipe over with bathroom wipes (sorry planet) and give the loo a quick bleach. One of us will shove a load of laundry on.

One of us (usually DP at the moment as I have to leave earlier!) does school run

Work - during lunch hour we tick jobs off the admin list, e.g. meal plan / online shop / ordering basics for DC if she needs new socks or something / getting appointments in electronic calendar / making sure we have card and present for pending birthday party etc.

Evening - I'm back earlier so I supervise homework and make DC dinner. Then I make our dinner while DP does bath and bedtime.

Eat while watching some TV or chatting, then I have a bedtime checklist: DD uniform ready, DD book bag ready, washing unloaded and hung up, kitchen clean and dishwasher on.

We have a cleaner once a week.

Saturday morning the shopping arrives and this hour is meant to be when we also put laundry away in wardrobes, beds are stripped, and surfaces tidied.

@Gladioli23

What's your timetable like for the day? Awake at 6, up at 6:30. What time do you leave for nursery? Start work, finish? Then we can help you plan when you'll fit things into your day.

Something like this-

6am - DS wakes. He asks for milk so he will come into my bed. He will feed and snooze again until around 6.30 / 6.45am

We get out of bed, I make DS breakfast.
Whilst he is eating I will make my lunch for the day.
Once he’s eaten, I then get him dressed.

Once he’s dressed he will sit in his cot whilst I get myself showered and ready.

We need to leave the house at 7.40am

I drop him at nursery at 8am. There’s usually a queue at nursery so it around 8.15 when I get away. I get to work for 8.45am.

I start work at 9am and I finish at 5pm.

I get home for 5.45pm.

We bath DS at 6.45pm. Brush teeth, story and then milk by 7.30pm.

He falls asleep on me and I put him into his cot by 8pm (sometimes later depending on how long it takes him to fall asleep)

I then go and make myself some tea (or order a takeaway )
Wash the pots from breakfast.
I will get myself a quick shower and into my pjs and by this time it’s normally 9/9.30pm.

I spend the rest of the night sat down watching tv or reading or catching up on messages.

Me too!!! I do get a wash on every morning only for that I wouldn’t keep up. It’s so hard!!! Honestly I don’t know how people have a job show homes and kids and look groomed all at once as I am failing miserably at it 😂😂😂

They outsource almost everything.
Child pickup, drop off, laundry, gardeners, cleaners, shopping and cooking.

Some will do some bits themselves and it looks like they did everything.

It's worth it if you can afford it but Instagram life is not real.

On work day.
Between 6.45am and 7.40am put a laundry wash on (3 mins). Do you have a dishwasher? Load dishes or quickly wash up. (3 mins)

Between 5.45pm and 6.45pm Feed DC? Tidy kitchen, put wet washing in tumble dryer. Hoover? Admin? Play alongside all this, talking to DC as you do it.

Do anything else after 8pm. Get DH involved. Try for no screens until house is straightened? Spend less time on screens - tv / laptop / phone.

Re dinner - Cook after 8pm or eat at 6.30 with DC and bath at 7pm.
Or one of you, bath DC at 7pm, one cook dinner and alternate this.
Or - I wouldnt lose the falling asleep on you. Sweet and you wont get that time back. Can DH cook every evening if your doing this? Dinner on table that he made, just after DC in bed. Will DC fall asleep on Dad? So you could take turns.

Do more on 4 non working days. Batch cook and microwave it hot, on work nights. (5 mins)

Do jobs as you go along so put the washing on before you leave the house and spend that 2 minutes sorting out the breakfast things before leaving. Don’t leave your bedroom without shaking out the bedding and opening the window and taking down any items that need to go down.

When you get home you can quickly hang or tumble the washing and lay out/prep the ingredients for a quick dinner. Google quick dinners with low washing up for ideas. Then do your baby bits and when you finish you’re ready to put dinner on. Quicker, cheaper and much more nutritious than a take away.

Spend money saved on additional help.

Deal with all admin very regularly otherwise you forget.

Lay out clothes etc the night before and only have simple breakfasts on working days.

Honestly I’m quite lazy but very organised and it’s not a bad combination 🤣

You just need a better routine all round.

• In the morning: cuddle in bed with milk, then tv on for the toddler whilst you shower and get ready. Get toddler ready and have a coffee once this is done. Ideally have a load of washing that is ready to hang/dry by putting it on a timer wash the evening before.
• On your two days off a week dedicate 45 minutes to keeping up with housework, I'd do this in the morning before heading out. This should cover basic cleaning and I would outsource hoovering/mopping/bed changing to your husband.
• Evening: One person spends time cooking and tidying/cleaning. The other spends time with your DC. Keep meals simple with less than 20 minutes prep and have plenty of shortcuts to hand.

We bath DS at 6.45pm. Brush teeth, story and then milk by 7.30pm.

He falls asleep on me and I put him into his cot by 8pm (sometimes later depending on how long it takes him to fall asleep)

I then go and make myself some tea (or order a takeaway confused)
Wash the pots from breakfast.
I will get myself a quick shower and into my pjs and by this time it’s normally 9/9.30pm.

What's your DH doing while you get DS to sleep?

I think your DH needs to go down after DS's bath, wash the pots from breakfast and start dinner. For extra points he can make you a cup of tea / stiff gin when he hears you creep out of DS's room, and you can finish cooking and eat together soon after that.

DS1 is 5.5. DS2 is 15 months.

Mornings here - up at 6 (me) get breakfast things ready and have a cup of tea (boys awake anytime between 6-6:30) Throw in a wash , empty dishwasher from night before, prep slow cooker if required.

Breakfast for all (DH comes down, grabs coffee and leaves) kids dressed.

I get in the shower at 7 - Ds2 just crawls about upstairs on the landing/bathroom while I shower, DS1 usually watching Bluey in our bedroom.

I get dressed and dried and we leave the house at 8:10.

Finish work at 5, pick kids up and home by 5:40.

DH gets home about 4:45 - in this time will have hung out the wash from the morning, hoovered round, started prepping the sides for dinner (meal plan on chalkboard in utility)

Start dinner as soon as I'm home, we all eat together around 6/6:15.

DS2 straight into a 15 min play, then bath and story for bed - he's asleep by 7:30.
DS1 then goes to bed at 7:30, story and asleep by 8.

We do a quick whizz of all of the remaining mess, put away laundry etc. We sit down together at 8:45 for an hour to catch up on each other, TV shows.

In bed by 10 and usually asleep by 10:30 weeknights.

Meal plan and shopping done 9am Saturday morning.
Other general cleaning stuff is Sunday afternoons around 4pmish, it seems to be a quieter time where the boys are chilled and we can run about like loons sorting the house out.

We both work 5 days a week and this is every day.

That sounds like a perfectly normal schedule for a workday.

What do you do on your two days off? That's when you can catch up on everything.

I don't see the point of waking up earlier or losing evening downtime on the days when you work when you have four other days a week when you can take care of everything.

I don't understand why you don't get all the admin/household/prep stuff done in your 2 days off? That more time than most people have. It seems like you just need to be organized much better. Make a list and start there. Meal prep and doing housework during the 2 days off, will help you alot.

What are you making for breakfast that leaves so much washing up!

Rota your meals! Have the same things on repeat alternating every other week. Eg. Monday week 1: fajita night, week 2: carbonara night, Tuesday week 1: lasagne, week 2: curry etc. etc.

At least that way you don't have to put any thought into meal planning as it's the same shop you'd need to do every other week. Dull but saves so much time and head space.

Could keep one night a week free to be a bit more creative with your cooking/takeaway night

Also try to pick things you can make in batches for the freezer so when you're out of time/can't be arsed to cook you can just defrost

@Confused102

I don't understand why you don't get all the admin/household/prep stuff done in your 2 days off? That more time than most people have. It seems like you just need to be organized much better. Make a list and start there. Meal prep and doing housework during the 2 days off, will help you alot.

@Confused102

I take DC to a class on both of my days off. That’s takes up the morning, we get back, have lunch and he goes down for a nap.

I often put a wash on when he’s having a nap or I will tidy the kitchen.

Naps vary from 1-2 hours. When he’s awake I can’t clean. Unless I ignore him and shove him in his cot, which isn’t fair.