To ask you to teach me how to be a responsible adult / parent

[Secretagent0077]

Name change for this…

Not sure where to start here….

I’m 36 years old and have come to the realisation that I have no fecking clue how to actually be an adult…..

DH & I have been together for 10 years, have always lived a pretty “relaxed” lifestyle.

We have no debts, both have good jobs.
We pay all of our bills but that’s about as far as our financial responsibilities stretch.

After bills are paid, we have always been big spenders.

We had our first DC 19 months ago.

I went back to work part time, DC goes to nursery.

I’m like a headless chicken…

I do nursery drop off DH does pick up.

DH leaves earlier than me to get to work so he isn’t part of our morning routine.
I leave the house most days a sweaty, stressed mess.

I just cannot find a balance of being able to have a coffee, get myself showered, get DC ready and actually leave the house on time.

I don’t seem to have the time to keep on top of general house work.

I get two days off during the week and they’re
spent at toddler classes with DC or we make plans with our mum/baby friends.

On the days I do stay in I do things with DC and during nap time I just feel too knackered to clean, so I spend the hour (sometimes two) drinking tea and on my phone (or I often read)

When it comes to the weekend I hate staying in,
so I’m always keen to get us all out of the house which again means there’s no time for housework.

Come Sunday night there’s 3/4 loads of washing to be done!
Obviously DC’s is prioritised so mine is usually drying on a Monday morning and I put my clothes on seconds before leaving the house for work.

My car is staring to become a mess, and i can’t actually remember the last time my clothes were in the drawers / wardrobe.

I’ve started to live on takeaways (DC eats a meal at nursery 3 nights) and we have never fed DC takeaway even when we eat them.

I don’t get home from work until 6pm, I get an hour with DC before the bedtime routine starts and then I just don’t feel like cooking.

I have my shopping delivered twice a week and most of the time I end up cancelling the delivery because I haven’t been able to sit and plan my meals so don’t know what to order.

I end up calling to the supermarket each day instead.

I have no clue how other people adult or be a parent and make it look so bloody easy.

I’m proper failing… 😩

If I went to bed at 12pm I wouldn't be getting up at 5.45am like I do.. I'm lights out by 10.30am latest.
Do you really need freshly washed hair every day for work?
Your capacity to actually be an adult is blighted by a lot of excuses, single parents manage it, people with 5 or 6 kids manage it, you need to start changing your mind set. I get that it's hard, I really do.. The last thing I want to do after work is cook and clean, but I have to.. If you don't mind me saying, your mindset is very much the bare minimum/a bit lazy. It's not going to change unless you change your thinking.

If you can afford it would you consider a cleaner? This would free up time. Outsource or delegate any other jobs.

I think you need to designate at least one full day this weekend to getting things in order otherwise you’ll be forever chasing your tail. Get all the washing done and into the cupboards, plan your (simple!) meals and order groceries and including agreeing a take away night, full tidy up of the house, clean the bathrooms and floors, and change and wash bed sheets.

Then get to bed 30 mins earlier every night this week - 11pm latest. Then 15 mins earlier every week. To keep functioning you should be in bed asleep by 10 so work towards that and you will feel so great for it. You are doing so much and you deserve to be rested.

Every morning put washing on and hang out - 5-7 mins total. Husband can bring it in when he gets home. Both of you fold and put away after baby is in bed but before you go to bed - which will take 5 minutes max.

Every morning empty the dishwasher - 5 mins. Every night turn it on, empty bins, wipe counters and dining table - 15 mins.

And, most importantly, set aside 15 mins every night to find clothes for you and baby for the next day, pack your bags, find car keys and glasses etc and have it set out.

Altogether you need to spend 15 mins in the morning, 30 mins at night, and three hours on the weekend for a full tidy and clean to keep things on track. Once every few months give yourself/DH a full day to clean fully and organise and re-set everything.

You can do this!

You could actually be me with the description. Can you throw money at the problem ie get a cleaner?
We are really careful about not having too many items to avoid mess but also so everything has its place. I’m kind to my future self a lot ie pack nursery bags the day before.
Could you bath or shower at night instead of in the morning?

You're not sleeping anything like enough! That makes everything so much harder.

And if you don't have time to watch TV, so what? It'll still be there at the weekend.

I actually prefer to do laundry in one fell swoop at the weekend but I wouldn't expect to be able to do that and go out both days.

Having a cleaner come is good discipline as then you can put clothes away and clear surfaces before they come.

Avoid morning stress by doing as much as possible the night before - pack work bag, nursery bag, pick out clothes to wear, etc.

If I'm too busy to cook I live on salad/deli stuff, eggs or beans on toast and those Itsu gyoza from the freezer aisle. All healthy ish and ready in 3 or 4 minutes.

In all fairness I've not even used a hairdryer since my second was born. It air dries by the time I pull up at work and I tie it back. I also put make up on during the traffic lights on the way to work 🙈

I've always had the kids in the bathroom when I shower, from a bouncer to just hanging out when a bit older.

I have two dc aged 1 and 3 and here's what works for me. On my days at home with them, do housework while they are awake, get them to "help" or play nearby. Like you I prefer to relax and read during their nap.

On work days no one is at home to mess up the house so not much housework is needed.

I put them to bed at 7.30, my time to relax and watch TV is 7.30-9.30, then I go up to bed to be asleep by 10.30.

Put washing on at night (ideally use the delay timer if your machine has one) to be hung out in the morning.

I remember the mental days of 2 very small kids, work and house. I only got by with military planning like PP have said: clothes/ bags/ lunches ready the night before; washing timed to come on and be finished by 630 so hung out in morning/ into tumble; dishwasher on every night and emptied in morning; breakfasts laid out/ in fridge; meal planner every week with food in fridge for later/ bulk cooked on a Sunday.

I have 2 teens and a 9 yo now and although less strict I still do lots of it, esp big shop early Sunday morning and meal plan (have blackboard in kitchen with days and meals written so everyone knows and can get things started if they're in first), still have everything ready night before (esp kit DC need).

I must admit I'm as guilty as you for a late bed time- I'm a natural night owl,but I'm asleep for 12 and not up until 7. I can get showered, dressed and out by 8am to drop youngest at breakfast club.

Housework needs to be done as you go: little and often. Less clutter= less to tidy and keep clean. Your weekends will need to change. Sometimes you need to stay home and tackle stuff as you suddenly have 5 washings because you've stripped all the beds. Such is life. Mine are a combination of endless rugby training/ matches, collecting kids here and there and flying off to meet my girlfriends/ sisters for lunch/ shopping. We tag team as getting put together is a rare treat.

If you're doing bedtime, can't your DH cook the tea/stick some washing on?

If you have the cash get a cleaner and someone who will sort out the washing. It'll free up some time for you. You're not doing anything wrong. It's hard working with a little one x

I have been SAHMing up to now and just started work (freelance, from home) again so am in a different situation to you. But I have a Velcro baby who will only nap on me, if at all, and refuses to be left and always has, and I am similar in that I’m not the best at being organised and also like to be out and about at groups etc as much as possible because dd is just so much easier to manage that way!

These things might only work for your days off/ weekends as I haven’t had to organise around nursery etc yet, though that is coming soon -

• I do things like put a wash on/ unload dishwasher etc whilst dd is in the high chair having breakfast. I can see her and am still in the room keeping an eye on her but I can potter and get stuff done. Unload/ hang out next time she’s in chair or just let her ‘help’ and accept it’s going to be a bit chaotic.
• If she’s in an amenable mood I might drag the highchair over to the counter and make a start on prepping dinner or doing some really easy batch cooking, handing her safe stuff to ‘help’ with/ chew/ bang about. I do mean really easy/ quick stuff though!
• I either shower at night once she’s asleep (I know I’ll probably be called ‘grim’ by some but assure you I smell just fine) or if I need to I make sure everywhere is safe upstairs, chuck a few toys oh the bathroom floor and just have a shower whilst watching playing peekaboo round the curtain with dd. Admittedly this morning she went and emptied my knicker drawer whilst this was going on but no real harm done. Obviously that one can only be done on a day you’re at home anyway as everything takes twice as long.
• DD will sometimes car nap (SOMETIMES) - if I feel it’s likely I’ll head wherever we are going a bit early and usually buy myself 10 minutes in the car park before she wakes up. Time to do your online shop or make a quick list or meal plan.
• Keep the meal plans simple and repetitive if need be. Or look into one of the recipe boxes.
• When you do cook make extra and freeze. If you’re chopping veg chop enough for two or three meals and keep it in the fridge, then you don’t have to bother next time. Have some really quick and easy meals in your rotation for work days - as an aside the what mummy makes books are quite good for ideas and all suitable for your DS too
• Weekends - one of us cleans the kitchen whilst the other entertains dd, then we swap and the other does the bathroom. Doesn’t take long and we still manage to go out usually. If we just have quick plans like the park or something we will do that and then food shop together, but often DH goes out later one evening to do it instead.
• We tend to eat dinner together then one of us takes dd off for a bath and the other one gives the kitchen a quick tidy, loads dishwasher, unloads any washing if it’s still in the machine or folds it if it has been drying. Then one does bedtime whilst the other does a quick sweep of the living room - not that it lasts but it is nice to get all of one hour together in a relatively tidy and toy-free space!
• Honestly if you want to use nap times to scroll or read then go for it. I’ve decided not to feel guilty about shit like that. But if you know your DD is going to reliably sleep for an hour you could also split it sometimes and spend a little of that time making a shopping list or pairing socks or whatever then have a coffee and half hour reading - it’s just about whether you value that more? Honestly I don’t give that much of a stuff about much housework so if dd ever does sleep somewhere that’s not on me for longer than 20 seconds I’m not going to spend it hoovering or ironing or whatever BUT I’d really struggle without a nice meal to look forward to so I wouldn’t mind spending that time doing an online shop or bunging some ingredients in the slow cooker for example.

Something that helped me change my mindset towards housework, is changing “I have to…” to “I get to…”.
Sounds silly perhaps, but it works for me.
Don’t get me wrong though, I’m still struggling to fit it all in…

Not sure if this has already been suggested...
When my dc were little I had a good friend and one week we would go to her house, the next week she and her dc came to mine. We would talk and drink tea/coffee/wine but get on with washing , tidying, batch cooking at the same time with the other helping watch kids.
socialising and getting on with mundane tasks together.

You sound like me. I'm 36 as well. My dc are 13 and 10, and I still don't have a clue

To me, adulting involves realising you can't be on top of everything.
Choose what is most important to you and make time for that.
This list can change over time.
Then accept that there are other things which will never be perfect. They get done whenever they get done.

It sounds like right now playing with your kid and having time with your husband is more important to you and honestly that's fine. Your child will be 5 and in reception soon enough and the cuddles in the morning might stop then and then you will have time to raise something else to higher priority in your life.

Nobody wants to do housework at the weekend or hang washing up every day before work but it's got to be done or everything just becomes much more difficult.

Earlier to bed
Wash hair the night before, dry shampoo, silk head wrap or silk pillowcase. It makes a big difference.
Yes to ‘the organised mum method’ mentioned above. Don’t be intimidated by the full schedule but get used to the idea of doing a little bit every day.
Recipe box subscription like Gousto or Hello Fresh.
Take vitamin D, B vitamins complex, and a gentle iron like Floradix or Spatone for energy.

I'm terrible for putting things off, the only way I do them is make them as easy as possible for myself.

So in your case, it's definitely getting to bed earlier unfortunately, I think. I can't focus on anything if I don't get 7:30 sleep. And lots of people I know think they're alright on less but then when they get more comment how well they feel.

What's your timetable like for the day? Awake at 6, up at 6:30. What time do you leave for nursery? Start work, finish? Then we can help you plan when you'll fit things into your day.

Could you split tasks like the washing: agree with your partner that you'll get it on in the morning, and then he'll hang it up when he gets home? If you can manage that even two days a week it will have the job for the weekend.

I'm doing a hello fresh trial at the moment - it's not cheap but it's better for you and cheaper than takeaway. They do a referral scheme so PM me if that would be useful. For me, it's mainly a method of getting back into the swing of things. Some supermarket websites let you have shopping lists so you could have a rotatable set of meals to add at the touch of a button once you're back in the swing of cooking - if that would help?

Shower in the evenings rather than mornings. If your hair gets frizzy overnight, wear it in a pineapple or invest in a silk pillowcase.

Before you go out of a morning, put a load of washing in but on delayed start so it's not sitting wet for too long. It then takes all of 5 mins tops to hang it up. Do a load every other day minimum.

Meal prep and have a rough rotation of regular weekday meals so your online shopping will be easier as it'll basically start adding the same stuff all the time. Weekends is my time to cook properly and go adventurous,mid week is a blur. I try and do dinners that'll do over 2 nights i.e. Sunday night chilli with rice, Monday night jacket spud with chilli and cheese. Also invest in things like an air fryer and slow cooker so you can either do frozen stuff on the quick or prep stuff in the morning and leave it be. All eat the same meal at the same time.

When one is doing night time routine,the other is doing dishes/hanging a washing/quick clean of bathroom or kitchen or whatever.

Don't bother ironing clothes or straightening hair. Do your make-up in work/at traffic lights or whatever.

Every now and again take a day off while DC is in nursery to catch up on everything you are behind on.

Get up 30 mins earlier so you're sorted and dressed before the DC wakes up.

Get a coffee machine with a timer.

Have everything you need for the morning prepared the night before so you don't have to think about it.

Deal with DC, out and done.

When you come back, stick a washload on/load the dishwasher before you sit down.

Food can be variations upon the theme of quick cook meat/fish and veg plus a carb (they don't take long to cook). There's a lot to be said for meals that require opening a packet and putting the protein in a pan for 7 minutes, opening a bag of leaves or sticking some frozen veg in the microwave, then tipping both onto a plate with some rice or potatoes and adding a salad dressing/lemon and oil/soy sauce, because you could be sitting down and eating within ten minutes, especially if you clean up as you go so there are just plates and cutlery when you've finished eating.

One of you deals with the plates/cutlery, the other takes the washload out and hangs it up to dry (or get a tumble dryer), do the bedtime routine, come back downstairs in your pyjamas and then you've got some downtime before going to bed.

Over the course of the week, stick a washload on before you leave for toddler groups, unload when you're back, shove the vacuum cleaner around. Use naptime to plan the next few days' meals and order.

At the weekend, quick blast around the house before going out, quick bit of sorting when you get back.

@cormorantes

Not sure if this has already been suggested... When my dc were little I had a good friend and one week we would go to her house, the next week she and her dc came to mine. We would talk and drink tea/coffee/wine but get on with washing , tidying, batch cooking at the same time with the other helping watch kids. socialising and getting on with mundane tasks together.

This sounds lovely!

Yeah, to be perfectly honest OP you need to pull yourself together. You have one child, work part time and a partner who does his share.

Get a cleaner for 2 hours a week. They won't fix everything but at least the kitchen floor and toilet will be clean.

Oh and a heated airer (Lakeland are good) so your washing willl dry in a few hours overnight.

Yes to the coffee machine with a timer. We have a Cusinart ‘grind and brew’ machine which makes excellent filter coffee from beans. Set it up the night before and set the timer.