To ask you to teach me how to be a responsible adult / parent

[Secretagent0077]

Name change for this…

Not sure where to start here….

I’m 36 years old and have come to the realisation that I have no fecking clue how to actually be an adult…..

DH & I have been together for 10 years, have always lived a pretty “relaxed” lifestyle.

We have no debts, both have good jobs.
We pay all of our bills but that’s about as far as our financial responsibilities stretch.

After bills are paid, we have always been big spenders.

We had our first DC 19 months ago.

I went back to work part time, DC goes to nursery.

I’m like a headless chicken…

I do nursery drop off DH does pick up.

DH leaves earlier than me to get to work so he isn’t part of our morning routine.
I leave the house most days a sweaty, stressed mess.

I just cannot find a balance of being able to have a coffee, get myself showered, get DC ready and actually leave the house on time.

I don’t seem to have the time to keep on top of general house work.

I get two days off during the week and they’re
spent at toddler classes with DC or we make plans with our mum/baby friends.

On the days I do stay in I do things with DC and during nap time I just feel too knackered to clean, so I spend the hour (sometimes two) drinking tea and on my phone (or I often read)

When it comes to the weekend I hate staying in,
so I’m always keen to get us all out of the house which again means there’s no time for housework.

Come Sunday night there’s 3/4 loads of washing to be done!
Obviously DC’s is prioritised so mine is usually drying on a Monday morning and I put my clothes on seconds before leaving the house for work.

My car is staring to become a mess, and i can’t actually remember the last time my clothes were in the drawers / wardrobe.

I’ve started to live on takeaways (DC eats a meal at nursery 3 nights) and we have never fed DC takeaway even when we eat them.

I don’t get home from work until 6pm, I get an hour with DC before the bedtime routine starts and then I just don’t feel like cooking.

I have my shopping delivered twice a week and most of the time I end up cancelling the delivery because I haven’t been able to sit and plan my meals so don’t know what to order.

I end up calling to the supermarket each day instead.

I have no clue how other people adult or be a parent and make it look so bloody easy.

I’m proper failing… 😩

You are trying to do too much on your days off outside the home.

Either go out morning or afternoon but not both.

If you really can't cope with this stuff can you afford to throw money at it? Pay for a cleaner, maybe a more expensive one who might come twice a week and run a load of laundry, buy a robot hoover, get a decent quality meal type service/have a couple of cook meals or similar a week to reduce meal planning/cooking time etc

OP I have a similar week in that I have four free days clear and like to do as much as possible outside the house. But I have one single day every single week where we stay home all day: I set DD up with TV, plonk her on an enormous blanket in the middle of the living room on which I put a variety of toys/arts stuff for her to play with, and then I race around doing all the washing/stripping bedding/some batch cooking/etc.

Also, I am always in bed by 10pm. I lie in bed and go through emails/texts until 11pm, then it's lights out.

Ironically, DD calls it "Lazy Day" because we stay at home.

@Hercisback

Why do you shower twice per day too?

I have always done this. For as long as I can remember.

@slightlyworriedthissunday

Out of interest do you have ADHD?

Not that I’m aware of. Is there a reason why you ask?

You need to go to bed earlier, when children get up early.

So asleep by 10. 7 hours sleep. Get up at 5

You simply need to prioritise doing jobs. Eg put laundry on before toddler class. Hang it out when you get back. If child sleeps for an hour spend half an hour cleaning the bathroom etc and half resting

You say during his nap you put a wash load on or clean the kitchen... why not put the wash load on AND THEN clean the kitchen? Like things can be done while the clothes wash...

Let him help you sort the washing. My ds1 loved it, ds2 is still a tiny baby but bouncer / playmat and he can watch me while I clean and talk / sing to him. If he doesn't want to help with the washing make sure there's some toys in the room to keep him occupied, it take 2 minutes to sort washing into piles and then put into the machine. You don't need to do them all in one day.

Put clothes away with DS in the room with you. Putting clothes away always seems overwhelming but it really shouldn't be once you realise it only takes a few minutes. He can watch TV/ ipad / play with toys / sing songs / hide and seek while you do it

And you have three hours a night of doing nothing. Just go to bed.

@Hercisback

Hadn't spotted you both do bath/bed.... Why?

Have you always had time management/organisation problems? Or just now baby is here?

Not being rude but most people working 3 days and with a supportive DH don't live like this.

@Hercisback

I think I must’ve always had problems with time management. I’ve just never really noticed before…. 🤷🏻‍♀️

For meals just make a 3 week rotating meal plan. It doesn't need to be anything complicated, stick to things you can cook in under 30 minutes, then one of you cook while the other does your dc bedtime.

I wouldn't have time to wash dry and straighten hair every morning, so it gets wash every third evening, find styles that don't need straightening every day.

Make time to put a wash on every other day, you can fold it while you watch tv on the evening.

Take one morning/afternoon per week to do a basic clean. Or do 15 minutes bursts of cleaning, or dedicate 30 minutes per day.

Go to bed earlier you're probably knackered.

@Skyla2005

There's no reason why you can't shower in the morning with your toddler playing nearby. They don't have to have constant supervision as long you have toddler proofed your home ! (Obvious danger out of the way and stair gate on). They amuse themselves while you get ready. People do this more than one child ! Do a load of washing every morning before work. It keeps on top of it and saves too much at the weekend

@Skyla2005

What do you mean by “playing near by”?

I always put DC in the cot when I get a shower and stick the baby monitor on.

I couldn’t image in being in the shower and him wandering around 😬

Drop the twice a day showers, for environmental reasons if nothing else!

Read up on time management and organisational strategies for people with ADHD. You may not have it but some of the strategies may be useful.

Is your toddler NT?

If so, they should be fine in the bathroom while you shower.

Youll not be able to continue putting him in his cot at 2, 3 and 4yo.

@Hercisback

Is your toddler NT?

If so, they should be fine in the bathroom while you shower.

@Hercisback

I’m not sure what NT means?

@Boatonthehorizon

Youll not be able to continue putting him in his cot at 2, 3 and 4yo.

@Boatonthehorizon

Why….?

He enjoys having a cuddle. He’s still breastfeeding. He feeds to sleep on me and then I put him down.

[quote Secretagent0077]@Gladioli23

What's your timetable like for the day? Awake at 6, up at 6:30. What time do you leave for nursery? Start work, finish? Then we can help you plan when you'll fit things into your day.

Something like this-

6am - DS wakes. He asks for milk so he will come into my bed. He will feed and snooze again until around 6.30 / 6.45am

We get out of bed, I make DS breakfast.
Whilst he is eating I will make my lunch for the day.
Once he’s eaten, I then get him dressed.

Once he’s dressed he will sit in his cot whilst I get myself showered and ready.

We need to leave the house at 7.40am

I drop him at nursery at 8am. There’s usually a queue at nursery so it around 8.15 when I get away. I get to work for 8.45am.

I start work at 9am and I finish at 5pm.

I get home for 5.45pm.

We bath DS at 6.45pm. Brush teeth, story and then milk by 7.30pm.

He falls asleep on me and I put him into his cot by 8pm (sometimes later depending on how long it takes him to fall asleep)

I then go and make myself some tea (or order a takeaway )
Wash the pots from breakfast.
I will get myself a quick shower and into my pjs and by this time it’s normally 9/9.30pm.

I spend the rest of the night sat down watching tv or reading or catching up on messages.[/quote]
Morning - your DH could bring you a coffee when he's having one and you can drink it while your DS snoozes.
He could turn on the machine that's been loaded the night before and empty the dishwasher while he's making his breakfast.

Make your lunch the night before. If you are going to make it daily that should be the point you put the slow cooker on (though batch cooking and heating later will be more time efficient).

Between 5.45pm and 6.45pm one of you can feed DS (give him what you had the night before - rather than cooking all the time). The other can be sorting washing and tidying.

Same with bed and bath - doesn't need both of you. Take turns. One does that and the other tidies away and sorts dinner.

Batch cook on a weekend or one of your days off - give your DS a selection of toys (or bowls and spoons) and spend an hour or two making your meals for the week in the oven or slow cooker. That way all that has to be done on the day is some fresh bits and heating.

PFB

2, 3 and 4yos climb out of cots for a start, and dont tend to BF.

I was just saying your methods are unsustainable but the more experienced advice youre getting is not unsustainable.

NT = ‘neurotypical’, MN shorthand for ‘having no special needs requiring additional care’.

I think squeezing more things in around little bits of time is key: e.g. if you can make time to put a wash in before works each day then you won't have to do it on your days off: sometimes I time things - hanging out the washing takes me 8 minutes, but putting it in only takes 3. I can unload the dishwasher in the time it takes for the kettle to boil and the tea to brew. If I find it I find it harder to make excuses.

Then I think you probably need to cut down on time when you double up - so taking it in turns to do bath and bed.

If you've got two days off a week, could you cook dinner (for 4) on each of those two days, and your partner on a weekend day - then you can have leftovers on each of the three days you work?

I think as well, it's probably getting out of the mindset that e.g. a baby class takes a whole morning. Your day starts at 6. The morning ends at 12. Even if the baby class is 1.5 hours, and it takes you an hour to get there and back and half an hour to get you and baby ready to leave the house, that's still only 3 hours - there are another 3 hours of morning available to use. Even if you only did 2 15 minutes bursts before and after you got back, it would still fit more in.

When he’s awake I can’t clean. Unless I ignore him and shove him in his cot, which isn’t fair.

Of course you can clean when he’s awake. It’s not a case of shoving him in his cot either. You can involve him in some parts, I have a 4 year old and a 17 month old. Both ‘help’ me with the washing. So with the 17 month old she will come upstairs and get the washing with me, I take it down, she helps me load the washing machine, which she loves to do. Then when I need to hang it out I pop her in her highchair with a snack. Putting washing away I do with her in her room (toddler proofed and stair gate on the door). Washing up/cleaning kitchen/hoovering I do when she is in her highchair eating lunch.

If there’s something I need to do e.g clean bathroom, they go into their room and okay whilst I do that.

Quick tidy when she naps. Then one parent does bath and bed, the other does a quick tidy and Hoover downstairs and start on dinner.

You can’t entertain them 24/7, they need to learn to entertain themselves. And I did the exact same when I had just DD1, it’s not like you’re neglecting them. Make sure his room is toddler proofed and has toys in it and get him used to occupying himself in there for short bursts of time (15/20 mins) so you can get jobs done.

You sound like me and I've got ADD

Oh my god you are me! You have just described my life. From the need to be out all weekend, to the late nights, lack of structure, lack of motivation for chores.
Do you know what's missing? Self discipline. We both need some. Watching with interest.

Agree about realising that you have many more hours in the day .

Eg on a baby class day say it starts at ten and is half an hour away. That gives you three hours between getting up and leaving to do things.

And on evenings you are both home take it turns doing bed/bath and cooking dinner. That way the person doing bed comes down to a cooked meal.

If you are really bad at menu planning then get your partner to do food planning and ordering and then split the cooking

Fundamental being a grown up is realising that most of time has to spent doing stuff which perhaps you'd rather not do.

It's like most jobs. They are filled with stuff which might be OK but lots that are rubbish and don't want to do.

No one wants to clean the toilet or fold laundry. It just has to be done. Then when it's done sit down with a cup of tea and your phone. But do the jobs first