turning wifi off at 10pm

[internetwarrior]

We have a near 18yr old ds and 15yr old ds. Over the past 6mths (well since I have been checking ) have been up at all hours of the night on phones, tablets. The 15yr old is then so tired the next day . I know teenagers like to sleep in during the day but now we are back at school and yr10 this is not good at all.
The 18yr old is also in A level year so needs time away from screens.

we have put the router off from 10pm until 7. As you can imagine both are unbelievably angry and has caused huge upset. We are being told it is completely unreasonable at that time and that their friends feel sorry for them having us as parents. 18yr old using A levels as reason saying there will be nights he will need to work. But I think he needs some down time before sleep otherwise the next day he won't be able to focus in such an important year.

AIBU? We are all doing it, including myself and dh. I really think it would be good. But wonder how long this atmosphere will go on for.
Are we being terrible parents?
I am desperate for some harmony to return to this home.

YANBU. Your house, your rules. If you're paying for wifi, you can decide who can use it. You are the parent. Don't feel bad for parenting your children!

I really like this idea (for me tbh). If they are unable to self regulate screen time (which is addictive and most adults have difficulties with) then you are actually teaching them how to regulate themselves. No WiFi- no temptation. I do think the 18yr old maybe a bit later. But effectively you are giving them a bedtime routine which is helpful throughout adulthood.

@bakingdemon

Good for you. Can you give them an incentive to extend it say to 11pm? Eg "if you up your grades by xxx then we can discuss extending it"?

I would be wary of this. What if they are working hard and not improving grade as they aren’t as academic/not their particular interest. Can you link to hours spent in public area in the house studying or effort.

My 18 year olds all needed to do alevel work past midnight on occasion…on that basis alone I think you are misguided.

YABU - you have your kids one year of "free reign" during a pandemic when everything went to shit and then because their grades suffered have gone back to strict rules that don't allow them to self regulate. You need to give them some structure but allow them flexibility within that - so homework has to be done before bed, they should be aiming for 8hrs sleep and 2hrs of "non school work screen time" maximum per evening.

I am naturally a night owl, as a teenager doing my GCSEs/A Levels I was the most productive between 21:00 and 00:00, I could concentrate better, was more motivated and had much better energy to work - if my parents turned off the Internet and told me I had to get my work done earlier in the evening then I 100% know that my grades would have suffered as a result. The same happened at Uni - I could sit down at my desk at 9am to write a 3000 word essay and by 6pm I'd have written maybe 200 words ... fast forward to midnight and between then and 3am would do 4,500 words and then spend the next hour or so editing it down. I never got less than 80% for those essays.

I think you are controlling, and very unreasonable. I

@araiwa

I presume you want your children to hate you?

If my children were that facile & shallow I honestly don't think I'd give a shit & would relish the day they flew the nest!!

I think you're being a good parent.

I think you're being a good parent.

This 100%.

If they dislike it so much they can be a bit tech savvy and pay for more 4G for themselves. Which is what will happen BTW

Get a mesh system and turn off individual IP addresses at set times. This gives you control without penalising those who need it.
We turn the PS5 off and tablets and certain phones. This doesn't then affect the young adults in the family.

But surely it is our job as parents to make sure they are ready and alert enough to learn at school.
Its our job asparents to prepare them for adult life. They wont learn self control if you always do it for them. I have 4 kids 15 + and they all learnwd self control re devices at night because tbey didn't want to be knackered tbe next day (they have to be up early for tbe school bus) and wanted to do well at school

Sorry pressed post too soon.
It sounds like part if a wider problem of immaturity or lack of ambition?

Not something we’ve ever done with our older children, who are all Degree, Masters educated and wouldn’t do it to youngest at 16 year old. Lower than expected grades last year will have been caused by many more things than their internet usage after 10 pm. I would blame the lack of in-school teaching and difficulty adjusting to working alone at home more. Are you also planning on monitoring their tv watching, gaming and making sure all electronics are also off after 10 pm? Way too strict in my opinion.

Yes they do have 4g but 10gb so runs out even before this.

Off-topic but how on earth are they using 10gb a month (?) when you have WiFi? Do they go out and watch YouTube videos for hours?

Op you need to communicate with the children at that age not just make blanket rules. Q8 year old may in your view need boundaries but they will also need support and an sensation of being heard.

So instead of blanket 10 it's off. Speak with them get their view their solutions and then hold them to their solutions. They make have some good ideas

Ps I say this as a mother of 4 age 17 to 23 so I'm very aware of your ages we have never cut off the Internet

It’s nearly ten years ago now but I did this. Never had a games console either.

The sky didn’t fall in, we get on as adults and they’ve probably forgotten I ever did.

DS1 in particular had no regulation, he would stay up half the night. Part my reason is it was a small flat and we couldn’t cope with the sleep habits!

I would of course compromise and make reasonable exceptions, eg an essay that was nearly done, a birthday, special event or most requests made reasonably. The 18 yr old may be a legal adult, but I always defined ‘adult’ as able to provide it yourself. When for example DS got Netflix and more data on his phone through a contract when he got a part time job that was his business. The router at some point was left alone when we all reset, I can’t remember when.

It’s really ok to parent as you see fit, as long as it’s done with love and care driving it. They’ll live.

Don’t they just switch to 4G when you switch the router off?

it’s really ok to parent as you see fit, as long as it’s done with love and care driving it. They’ll live.
I disagree. OverControlling adult children like this is not okay