turning wifi off at 10pm

[internetwarrior]

We have a near 18yr old ds and 15yr old ds. Over the past 6mths (well since I have been checking ) have been up at all hours of the night on phones, tablets. The 15yr old is then so tired the next day . I know teenagers like to sleep in during the day but now we are back at school and yr10 this is not good at all.
The 18yr old is also in A level year so needs time away from screens.

we have put the router off from 10pm until 7. As you can imagine both are unbelievably angry and has caused huge upset. We are being told it is completely unreasonable at that time and that their friends feel sorry for them having us as parents. 18yr old using A levels as reason saying there will be nights he will need to work. But I think he needs some down time before sleep otherwise the next day he won't be able to focus in such an important year.

AIBU? We are all doing it, including myself and dh. I really think it would be good. But wonder how long this atmosphere will go on for.
Are we being terrible parents?
I am desperate for some harmony to return to this home.

@Heliachi

I think it's brilliant, OP. They'll get used to it.

No child needs screens at night. I'd shut it at 8pm frankly.

Haven't you heard of homework?

Forbidding an 18 year old from having internet access or 'screen time' at 8pm is batshit.

We did this but turning the Wifi off all the time seemed to mess up its optimum speed and it would take hours each day to get back up to speed again. Which with us both wfh became an issue. We had to turn it back on again and just remove devices from bedrooms at night.

@Tinpotspectator

Do it. They aren't doing it so what else are you expected to do? If they were in boarding school this would be standard. Ive had kids long enough to know they'll blame you in future years if you DONT do it. Also, make it a case of 'we all don't use WiFi in this house after 10'.

flip me you sound lovely and cheerful to be around!! Boarding school ??? What has that got to do with anything??

Anyway OP I understand where you coming from completely but I have to say I think its an extreme action to take. Your sons need to live in a world where you don't control everything and they learn how to manage their own time and study. You can be there to encourage, support and offer guidance but you shouldn't force things. Your son has a very valid point about studying late at night, its very common.

A way forward at this point maybe to sit down with them and tell them your concerns and the reasons why you turned the wifi off. And then together with them agree to turn it back on and not control it, and ask them to take on board your concerns etc etc

You don't exactly need to turn off the internet per se, anyway. You just need BT WiFi with the "My BT" app, so you can add each device by name eg John's PlayStation, John's phone, and adjust access times by day of week and person.

Lots of people expect to be treated like adults without actually behaving like adults. A kids lying in bed in the day and not managing their life becomes a habit, and you can bet that habit will cost you plenty over time. Not to mention the hassle of getting them up.

Other people aren't parenting your sons, you are. And what is fair on you matters too.

I think you are right OP _ slack parenting to let a 15 yr old stay up all night - phones are addictive!

I find it so ludicrous this idea of 'learning to self regulate' - I am an adult and am addicted to my phone and often stay up later or wake in the night to use it - I hate myself but can't stop. They are children - they need our help to learn how to function without it.

I agree the 18 yr old could have more freedom than the 15yr old.

@itsgrand You don't know what you're talking about. And if it was that easy, the OP would have done it. Don't patronise her.

Yanbu , you pay the bills so you decide what goes 🤷‍♀️ if the 18 year old doesn't like it , he can move out , get a job and pay his own WiFi.

[quote Tinpotspectator]@itsgrand You don't know what you're talking about. And if it was that easy, the OP would have done it. Don't patronise her.
[/quote]
I don't know what I'm talking about? Please clarify.

Having parented 3 teenagers and having professionally worked with teenagers for 20 plus years I actually DO know what I am talking about. I am absolutely not patronising her. You perhaps, but definitely not her.
Thank you.

I think it’s fine. The fifteen year old shouldn’t be online so late and the eighteen year old can get a phone contract with data if they are that bothered!

@MattHancocksSexTape

As per above - get a router or hub that allows you to control access on a device by device basis. You can then allow longer on weekends/school holidays. (And can control remotely if you so desire!)

You don't need a special router for this. Any router can whitelist or blacklist by MAC-address.

However, I personally don't think it's a bad idea to turn it off after 10 pm and so limit your own screen time as well. Use of screens before bed makes for poor quality sleep.

I agree with you OP. It's probably much healthier for all of you. Your 18 year-old just needs to make sure the homework is done before 10 and otherwise work in a communal area of it requires the use of his laptop so you can keep an eye on him.

I made mine leave their gadgets downstairs until the end of year 11. It was difficult and caused a lot of aggro some nights but I believe that one of them, at least, wouldn't have got many GCSEs if she'd had her phone all night.

I relaxed it for 6th form and wished I hadn't as one did very little work and basically wasted 2 years. Very difficult to control things at that age though.

I think you’re being too harsh. Most of their socialising will be at night time. You’re just making them left out. By now they should be able to manage their own time and learn the consequences. If their grades drop then they aren’t that bothered and they certainly won’t be able to manage at university. It’s a life lesson to learn.

As a teacher I'd argue that parents do need to regulate this stuff. WiFi off and phones downstairs. Buy them a cheap alarm clock. It doesn't have to be confrontational; it could just be a family decision.

I don't think it's an easy option to leave them to it, personally I think it's an easier option to turn it off. An 18 yo has to learn to manage and regulate their time. You controlling this aspect isn't helpful.

I would do it for a 15 yo if absolutely desperate but again I would expect a level of self regulation at that age.

My 15 yo most definitely doesn't stay up all night either. If he stays up a bit late he'll get an earlier night the following night. It's not a free for all, obviously we provide guidance when needed. He does all homework without asking, doing well at school, does many activities after school as well as music. He has always been a bit of a night owl, when he was young we worried but it has never affected him. All kids are different, at the end of the day you know what they are capable of.

I don't think they would hate you but as an adult living at home I suspect the 18 yo will be very resentful of you.

i think a curfew is fine. I'm in my forties and struggle to self-regulate. so much of the internet is deliberately addictive. to comprise maybe change it to 11.30pm with the idea that everyone's encouraged (but not compelled) to be tucked up device-free by midnight?

We have always spent a month in the summer without Wifi, in a cottage in the wilderness. Our kids are now 25, 23, and 20. All 3 of them would say that having that detox as they were growing up helped to remind them of how to have a healthy balance. My husband and I agree for our own usage.

Internet is addictive and it helps to go cold turkey sometimes. Maybe having the Wifi off at nighttime is a good way to do that for your family.

Good for you. Can you give them an incentive to extend it say to 11pm? Eg "if you up your grades by xxx then we can discuss extending it"?

Was there any discussion of your concerns about them not getting enough sleep due to screen time before you turned off the wifi. Could you give them a chance to behave as adults and self regulate?

I think 11pm to 7am would be better. People need to sleep, fencing off 8 hours shouldn't be costing them any hours of internet usage, overall. If they stayed on-line after 11, they'd not be properly awake when they need to be.

@CrasterKipper

Don't they have 4g? And a mobile hotspot? I'm always seeing WiFi being turned off discussed on MN but it wouldn't make any difference in this house in terms of general access to surfing the net etc.

Most plans have a large amount of 4G data available. It wouldn't make any difference in this house if wifi turned off either.

I'd say 18yr old should be allowed to regulate themselves. My 14yr old has to leave his gadgets downstairs (charging) on school nights.

I did exactly this with my two dds. Wifi off at 10pm and all phones kept in the kitchen overnight. But then none of us have ever had TVs in bedrooms either, so why would I have encouraged phones in bedrooms. Of course as soon as they went to Uni, they could do what they liked with their phones and wifi was not switched off, Dds are in their late twenties now, neither of them are glued to their phones like many other people I know.

Wow never imagined so many responses.

1. Yes they do have 4g but 10gb so runs out even before this.
2. I liked whoever thought of an extension linked to grades.
3. Yes we may rethink the 18yr a bit but he definitely needs some boundaries even if he is an adult.
4. We are all doing this as I think it is healthier for us all not just our children.

Really unreasonable and controlling. The kind of thing my mum would do and we have a horrible relationship now because of it.