AIBU to hate being called spoilt?

[Magiconthemike]

Disclaimer: I’m aware this post is going to be laden with irony.

So, first up, I’m an only child. Obviously when getting to know new people, the topic of siblings come up. Without fail, whenever people hear I’m an only child they say “so you’re spoilt?” Is it just me that thinks that’s kind of rude to assume that about someone you’ve just met? I don’t meet eldest children and say “so you’re domineering?”

I’m happy to go along with the joke for a bit but people really go on about it at times, to the point where I feel really awkward and put on the spot.

I’m also not your typical definition of spoilt - I hardly know my father as he was never particularly interested in me and when he was interested in me, it was usually to verbally abuse me. But I’m not exactly going to explain that to a stranger while they’re calling me Verucca Salt.

So I guess I have 2 questions:

1. Do other only children get this and find it irritating?

And 2. Do people with siblings find people/virtual strangers make assumptions about them based on their birth order?

YANBU - it is offensive and hurtful. Stupid stereotypes about only children are sadly still prevalent, including on MN.

I’m an only child and I hear it too. It also translates into other similar things, such as people commenting my parents are more involved in my life/ with my kids because I don’t have siblings and they have no other children or grandchildren to split time/ attention etc with.

I would say though from some experience of dating apps that a lot of men would try and find some put down to boost their own self worth. In my experience (only my experience!) a lot of men hated that I was confident, had a good job, was reasonably ok to look at etc. Felt threatened by a lot of it (big personalities were a big threat to a lot of the men I certainly met online!). So they would often jump on what they could find to try and bring me down a peg or two in their eyes.

@lottiegarbanzo - I agree. There is often a reason why the child is an only, other than choice. It does not take a huge amount of theory of mind to realise this, and many of the reasons are sad and/or emotive: - infertility, disability, traumatic birth, illness, relationship breakdown, loss of pregnancy/baby/child, lack of funds etc. All pretty big things that you wouldn't necessarily want to discuss.

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes - In my experience a lot of adult 'only children' are like you describe - confident, well rounded adults, who do not behave in an entitled or spoilt way, or no more so than the rest of us.

Only child here and yes people have said it. They also said it so much to my parents that they went out of their way to do the opposite.

I know what you mean, Magiconthemike, I had people tell me I was 'spoiled'. Nothing could have been further from the truth. It got to me when my mother told me I was spoilt and had had a 'charmed life'.

My mum was the youngest of ten children, by five years! As the baby of the family she was definitely spoil;. not financially because there wasn't a lot of money but being allowed to rule the roost, never contradicted, that sort of thing. She was indulged in adult life too, nearly always got her own way, never had to apologise or explain and would throw tantrums.

My son is an only child and I don't think he has ever had that accusation levelled at him. I will ask him later. His circumstances have never been much different to his friends, many of whom have a sibling.

Plenty of 'two & three children families' are spoiled, I've seen that. It doesn't have to be an 'only'.

Nobody should make generalisations.

I would guess that it's men assuming that you going to be high maintenance.

Brush it off. When people have said this to me, I just laugh and say no not yet but I certainly will be once my parents aren’t around and I have the full inheritance to myself.

[quote Magiconthemike]@MargaretThursday I guess I bring it up sometimes but not like “what’s your birth order in the family?” More like “oh, so you have a sister. Do you have any other siblings?” I bring it up to make conversation along with other questions like “whereabouts are you from?”

I’m on dating apps so I probably have more of these conversations than most.

I don’t have these conversations all the time but, when I do have them, I feel like people often come back with the spoilt thing.

I will say, I do have what many would call a “big personality”, however, I come from an extended family of big personalities and so that’s not an only child thing, it’s just the way we are.[/quote]
If you're hearing this on dating apps, it's probably negging.

I think that some people do love living through stereotypes and allocating simplified personalities to other people, rather than bothering to get to know them.

They are definitely a type worth avoiding IME.

Yes it's a lazy cliche. I grew up in a council house that was close to a wealthy area where I went to school, my mum got all my clothes out of the catalogue, my Dad was hardly ever around and most of the time he spent all our household money on drink.
My Mum used to get upset at only child comments because she never wanted me to be an only child she just didn't want to make another baby with my Dad. The spoilt only child comments from my pony owning, tennis & piano lesson, foreign holiday going school mates was a very small part of the massive class chip I now like to carry on my shoulder.

Aren’t we all ‘spoilt’ compared to the majority of people in v low income countries? I mean I presume we all have ready access to clean water

This shows to me the ridiculous ness of the phrase

TBH when I hear only child, I don't think spoilt. I do however thinkwhat it would have been like to not have siblings. Would it have been lonely? Sorry if that's worse.

I had it a few times in my teens and 20s, always from older women trying to put me in my place. Never quite had the balls to say "oh, weren't quite what your parents wanted so they tried again?" to them. It's not happened for years.

Anyway what are you actually supposed to say? "Yes, I had a lot of opportunities I would otherwise have missed out on so I'm very grateful for that"? "Well of course I like getting my own way - do you not?" It's such a ridiculous comment to make to someone.

You may have not been spoilt but maybe work on your sensitivity! 🤣

It is one of those cliche, making conversation, thoughtless things people just come out with in small talk without thinking - only children are spoilt, youngest sibling never grows up, oldest was the guinea pig, middle are ignored.

You just reply "I wish" and move on.

I am a middle child (of 5) and have had the middle child type comments, I just reply "yes it was hard" and pretend sad/sob, then laugh and move on. Don't overthink these things.

That’s probably the best way to deal Blanketpolicy

I'm a youngest child who gets "baby of the family" shit from my siblings all the time.

Conveniently forgetting all the support I give them (my aunt, eldest of six, is horrified at their attitude!), plus the fact that as a sensible youngster I nonetheless had to put up with the draconian rules put in place to manage my hooligan older siblings.

@WorraLiberty

I'm the youngest of 5 and even now at 52 years old, when people find out, they'll say something along the lines of "Ahh so you're the spoilt baby of the family?"

It just makes me smile and nod really, even though we were all far from spoilt.

People just tend to trot out Clichés when making conversation.

I get that too. Youngest of six with an eleven year gap between me and the next one up.

My parents described their parenting strategy as 'benign neglect' which has affected us all in different ways, but none of us were spoiled.

And also even the people in this scenario who maybe were a bit indulged by older siblings probably had to balance that with things like, for example, one of my elder brothers being very cross that I'd dyed my hair as I was too young. I was 19 and at university.

@EmbarrassingMama

I'm an only child, as is DH.

No one has ever, ever said that to either of us.

I suspect your experience is more common EmbarrassingMama.

I’m an only child and have never been asked that…. I know some people think it though of only children in general.

I think that it is often a stock comment about only children, it may have elements of truth. I am an only, do not think I was spoilt really. However what I do recognise is that I am an only not through my dm choice, that was her difficult fertility journey and perhaps she sees me as precious because of her painful time trying to conceive. This element of the story is often forgotten by those who make negative comments.

I get asked if I'm spoilt too. I'm not an only, I have four siblings all older brothers. I think it's just a stock cliché people go for.

Like others I wonder if this is gendered. I asked only child DH and he looked confused and said of course no one had ever said that to him. The stereotype that only children are spoilt definitely extends to boys as well as girls, but perhaps not to adult men.

I do think that birth order has an impact on people, one way or another. I would only ever discuss that impact on people I had got to know really, really well.

@SpamThief

I get asked if I'm spoilt too. I'm not an only, I have four siblings all older brothers. I think it's just a stock cliché people go for.

Me too! As if being the lone female equates to being treated as a princess. I just give a hollow laugh.

@MargaretThursday thanks for reminding me a a much loved childhood book, I’m off to look it up, I’m vaguely remembering a plucky orphan and a barge?? 😊