AIBU to hate being called spoilt?

[Magiconthemike]

Disclaimer: I’m aware this post is going to be laden with irony.

So, first up, I’m an only child. Obviously when getting to know new people, the topic of siblings come up. Without fail, whenever people hear I’m an only child they say “so you’re spoilt?” Is it just me that thinks that’s kind of rude to assume that about someone you’ve just met? I don’t meet eldest children and say “so you’re domineering?”

I’m happy to go along with the joke for a bit but people really go on about it at times, to the point where I feel really awkward and put on the spot.

I’m also not your typical definition of spoilt - I hardly know my father as he was never particularly interested in me and when he was interested in me, it was usually to verbally abuse me. But I’m not exactly going to explain that to a stranger while they’re calling me Verucca Salt.

So I guess I have 2 questions:

1. Do other only children get this and find it irritating?

And 2. Do people with siblings find people/virtual strangers make assumptions about them based on their birth order?

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I'd go straight back with "So which stereotype are you then? Bossy eldest child, invisible middle child or babied youngest child?" They will most likely come back with "I'm not a stereotype" and you can say "But you assume that I am?".

This

It’s not just you. I’m an only child and other mum’s would make comments to her that I must be spoilt. I was very shy and quiet as a child, I readily shared with other kids, only ever had one birthday party as I hated being the centre of attention.

In work my colleagues had a discussion about spoilt only children in front of me. I laughed and joked that I must be doing it all wrong!

I got my first job without prompting when I was 15. Had a mortgage at 18 and worked all through uni part time. Then supported DH through uni while he worked part time once I got my degree.

I’m really close with my parents and they support me emotionally, show they’re proud of me and if that's ‘spoiling’ a child, I’ll be doing that with DS (who is an only and a PFB- the horror!). Now my parents are older, I’d like to think that I spoil them as much as they spoilt me.

People make judgements about us but some are still socially acceptable to repeat out loud rather than keeping to themselves. It’s such an odd thing to say to someone.

So without fail every single person you meet says that to you...seems legit!

Yes I used to get this when I was younger - along with "you mustn't be very good at sharing" and "you must be used to getting what you want"

As I've got older, it tends not to come up much - and isn't really something I voluntarily raise, but happy to discuss if someone bothered to ask.

I rarely have conversations with people who ask about siblings/non siblings.

I guess when the conversation is so involved siblings come up they are nearly friends so I would be able to make a joke of it and leave it there. Can't imagine why people would carry on like this and they would not be friendship material to me

I am an only child and have experienced the same as you OP, but I have to say not so much in recent years. People can be dicks, can't they?

What @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll said, pretty much. It's sort of verbal leakage, the equivalent of phatic utterances (purposeless small talk) in conversation. Doesn't make it any less irritating, though, but I suppose it's useful as a filter for removing idiots from your daily life.

I do think men say it a lot more than women. And they push the point more, too.

"So you're spoilt, then?"
"Well, consider I'm on a date with YOU right now, it would appear very much to the contrary!"

"It's awful about Afghanistan, isn't it?"
"Oh yeah, terrible."
"So sad."
"Ooh they do oat milk here...have you ever had it?"
etc.

"Did you see that ludicrous display last night?"
"Yeah, Arsenal should just have walked it in!"

Oh, yes, the people who feel the pressing urge to inform a tall person that they're tall or a short person that they're short or whatever, because how else would they ever know if YOU don't tell them? The worst thing is that they never have the good grace to look deeply embarrassed when they ask "What's the weather like up there?" or call somebody 'half-pint' - they actually believe that it's top intellectual humour and that they are the very first person to ever think of saying it.

How old are you OP? I used to get this when I was younger, but thinking about it, it's many many years since I've heard it. Tbh, you get to a stage in life when people are more likely to feel sympathy for your being an only child as it means all the responsibility for elderly parents falls on you.

Intrusive personal questions based on lazy stereotypes are ideal opportunities to practise the:

"That's interesting: why would you ask that?" response.

Send the ball back over the net for the server to deal with. They either have to explain the stereotype while you look on in mild surprise having "never heard that before..." or follow up with even more personal, intrusive inquiries, which can be dealt with by another "Why would you ask that (of a colleague/stranger/new acquaintance)?"

You are courteously preserving your privacy while leaving the nosy line of questioning dribbling into the sand where it belongs.

Remember, none of us is under any obligation to conform to questionable stereotypes, nor to unpack our psyche or family history for others to pick over. Answering a question with a question is always a powerful move!

Extraordinarily weird thing to say to an adult...

Seriously irritating. DS and I had this last week. Context = chip shop, chatting to older woman. Her: "Is he your only child?" Me: "Yes". Her: (turns to DS) "So you must be spoilt, then."

Just so odd. What a weird thing to say to a child.

I'm an only child and no one's ever said this to me, but I'd find it incredibly rude if they did!

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar brilliant, I aim to remember that.

Yes I think it happens but was worse a cpl of generations ago. I'm 60. Interesting that pre early 60s there were fewer choices re the sizes of families than now but more stigma attached then to onlies .

Am also the only child of two only children. Do I like my own way - absolutely. Do I show off if I don't get it. No. Am I more flexible and compromising than my two SILs - absolutely. However, MIL, a former teaching is absolutely scathing about only children.

Being and only with no aunts, uncles or cousins was a huge driver for me in regard to having more than one child. DH is one of 3 - regrettably his sisters care little about anyone but themselves.

Confusing isn't it.

my mother was spoilt - but she was wanted and GPS couldn't have more.

My mum gets this and she was the opposite of spoilt. Alcoholic father and neglected by her mother. Homeless several times.
She tends to do a little laugh and say 'hardly!'

@WheelieBinPrincess

I have literally never thought this or said it to anyone who told me they were an only child.

Same. My partner is an only child. It's only on mumsnet I've come across negative attitudes to only children. He's the most well adjusted person I know! I've never hear of anyone say this to him, he'd tell me.

I can only assume you come across rude thick people op. Sorry.

I've never had any questions about being spoiled. The only time I've really seen those views en masse is the recent Mumsnet thread about only children.

My best friend is an only and yes she gets it and I have witnessed it myself. I remember standing next to her at a cocktail party and it came up and the man speaking with her just sort of snorted and said 'You have just told me everything I need to know about your personaility'. I was utterly shocked. She was pissed off but said to me that it happens really often.

never mind her mother was an abusive alcoholic and her father pissed off when she was 5, apparently the only thing of note about her was she was an only child.

I think what a pp above said about people forming words without them ever troubling their brains is right. That's a kind version anyway.

I think there is a connection with material things. I had everything as a child - except love - but people don't see the lack of love.

I think you are being far too emotional about it all, everyone knows what is meant by a spoiled/spoilt child and I doubt many people would find it "hurtful". Yes it is a lazy comment by someone who is not good at small talk, no it is not a slight on someone's entire existence.

But words matter. We know they probably aren't suggesting that you're 'damaged beyond repair', but that IS what the word means - we're just relying on common social ambiguity to assume that 'they don't really mean that'. Why even make a pointless comment like that at all?

If you really must, you could generally ask if they would have liked to have siblings or was it nice not having to fight for their parent's attention as a child; but again, they're just irrelevant questions.

It's a bit like when (possibly well-intentioned) people ask a black person "When I'm mentioning you to others, should I refer to you as black, BAME, African-Caribbean, of colour, from an ethnic minority - or would you prefer another term?" when the (should be) obvious answer is "Erm, refer to me as Jill.... because.... THAT.... is my name"

People make assumptions about my dd as she is an only and I hate it. It couldn't be further from the truth

*was it nice not having to fight for their parent's attention as a child

That came out badly - I should have written 'was it nice not having to SHARE your parents' attention'

Yes, I agree with some of the responses. It is not really a question that merits an answer. Either answer with a question, such as, "don't you think that's a bit of an old fashioned stereotype?", or "why do you think that?", or just smile sweetly and say, "well, I didn't go short" or something to that effect. Some people are just bad at conversation.

In the example I gave, I left it to DS

Yes people do it a lot (more to children than adults) and yes it's annoying.

I've also heard 'only children are all selfish' or 'he's selfish because he's an only child' a lot, among adults. Yet the most selfish adults I know were not only children.

I think people do it to youngest children in families of 3+ too. Not so much eldest and middle ones.

I think it's more than annoying, it's crashingly insensitive. It demonstrates a basic lack of social awareness, so you do have to be aware that many people who make these sort of comments are vulnerable or poorly socialised themselves. Though some are just goady twats.

IME few people aspire to have only one child (some yes), so most parents of only children have experienced some sadness or misfortune; most likely fertility issues or a relationship break-up. In the latter case this will have affected the child too.

So 'are you spoilt?' 'Um, because my dad left / mum died / I'm being brought up by a single parent who has to work all hours to keep a roof over our heads? Not really'.

I'm an only, I've always just shrugged it off. It's nothing compared to the criticism you get if you have an only (that's me too), that can be off the scale rude.